Local

Local

Overambitious Man Wants To Get 2 Things Done Today

AKRON, OH—Saying the expectations he had set for himself were completely unrealistic, friends of local man James Chao expressed skepticism…

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Local

Regretful Conservative Wakes Up To Find He Drunkenly Got Nazi Tattoo Removed

COEUR D’ALENE, ID—Wincing from a pounding headache and hazy memories of debauchery, regretful conservative Nate Hanlon reportedly woke up Wednesday morning to find that he…
Local

Mysterious Gerbil Watches From Edge Of Yard As Family Hamster Laid To Rest
Obituaries

Nicholas Geary

Nicholas Geary, 52, died peacefully Monday. Quite peacefully, in fact— almost indifferently, as though he couldn’t care less.
Local

Soybean Wishes It Could Just Be A Soybean And Have That Be Enough

CARMI, IL—Expressing anxiety over the immense pressure it faced to become various food products, a local legume confided to reporters Tuesday that it wished it…
Local

Man Finally Good Enough At New Hobby To Understand How Bad He Is At It

ST. LOUIS—Voicing frustration as he discussed his lack of even the most rudimentary skills, local man Henry Right told reporters Monday that he had finally…
Local

Uber Driver Casually Mentions This His First Time Driving

Local

Tips For Getting Better Haircuts

Getting a haircut you truly love can be a challenge. The Onion shares tips for getting better haircuts. Be as specific as possible when describing…
Local

Man Torn Over Which Shirt Worthy Of Wooden Hanger

THOMASVILLE, GA—Paralyzed by the weight of the choice before him, local man Sam Corrigan reportedly spent several agonizing minutes Monday deciding which of his shirts…
Obituaries

Zoe Peters

Zoe Peters died at 76 from a heart attack, assuming the medical examiner accepts her husband’s bribe.
Local

Casket Still Has Stock Corpse In It

ATHENS, GA—Noting that the dead body was “far more handsome” than her deceased brother, local woman Danielle Lundy confirmed the casket she purchased this week…
Local

Increased Work Commitments Causing Man To Neglect Alcohol

WATERBURY, CT—Admitting his career had come between him and what mattered most, local man Andrew Tesser confirmed Thursday that mounting work obligations had caused him…
Weddings

Teresa Willis and Brendan Cooks

Nuptials were held at the same convenience store where the bride first threatened to put a bullet in the groom’s skull if he didn’t empty…

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