My sweet, darling friend,

you might remember The Friend Within, from this post:

And now, here it is,

The Friend Within, featured in the 8th tool from the toolkit I was telling you about in this post! ❤️❤️❤️

Please share if you think this might be helpful for someone you love!! ❤️❤️❤️

Share

My dear friend, this is the toolkit I was telling you about in this post.

Here’s the 7th tool.

And a very cute one! 🥰

PS. You can read the whole story about my beloved little Robin here.

PS2. Since my Robin passed away, I have been fostering many many kittens with the wonderful people at Annex Cat Rescue. It feels really nice! Maybe you might like to foster as well?

Please share this post if you think might help someone you know! ❤️

Share

Here’s the 6th tool.

Please share if you think this might be helpful for someone you love!! ❤️❤️❤️

Share

Please share if this might be helpful for someone you love!! ❤️❤️❤️

Share

My dear friend, this is the toolkit I was telling you about in this post.

Here’s the 5th tool.

And a VERY IMPORTANT ONE!

Please share if you think this might be helpful for someone you love!! ❤️❤️❤️

Share

Here’s the fourth tool!

Share

Please share if you think this might be helpful for someone you love!! ❤️❤️❤️

My dear friend, this is the third dispatch of the toolkit I was telling you about in this post.

Here’s the third tool!

Please share if you think this might be helpful for someone you love!! ❤️❤️❤️

Share

My dear friend, this is the toolkit I was telling you about in this post about depression.

Here’s the second tool I promised you ❤️

Share

Please share if you think this might be helpful for someone you love!! ❤️❤️❤️

With lots of love,

Ani ❤️

Here’s the first tool!

Share

My dear sweet friend,

This post is a bit depressing. Yes, but it’s also very very very important.

You see.

The reason why it’s so important, is because heck, depression happens to a lot of us, but we don’t really send postcards to each other when we find ourselves in that part of the inner world. Do we?

And you know what I’ve found?

That one of the hallmarks of a full-blown bout of depression is that you believe NO ONE HAS EVER FELT AS TERRIBLE as you’re feeling at that moment. You feel completely alone in the experience. But that feeling of isolation is simply not true.

That’s why, I really really want to share my experience.

What you’re about to read, are little accounts of two different times I got feeling really terribly lonesome and depressed, and I somehow managed to write about it.

OK. Here we go.

(Trigger warning. My dear friend. I talk about very very bad depression on this post, so if you’re a bit sensitive to this kind of thing, maybe you should skip it and wait until I write a happier post!)

DEPRESSION #1

This first journal entry was from a handful of years ago. It’s from when I was still incredibly unhappily married.

It’s funny because when you’re single and you see people being married, you think they might be all jolly and blissful and fulfilled. Simply because they’re married.

But the loneliness I felt in my married life was like my heart had been taken out and replaced by a dark, heavy boulder of pain and loneliness and isolation. My existence felt so overwhelming and oppressive that I don’t imagine it could be understood by someone who hasn’t had such an experience!

Something really ugly and painful had happened around Christmas time, and I found myself feeling wounded, trapped and carrying extra levels of despair.

Christmas time is usually the hardest for me here in Canada, because I get to see all the happy families gathering and laughing and hugging and celebrating each other and life and love. And that Christmas I was sunken in a hole of hurt and anguish. This, on top of being away from MY ACTUAL FAMILY in Mexico, whom I love and miss so much.

So, while enduring my misery through the holidays, I got all depressed and wrote about it in my journal.

The title of this entry is:

“A COUPLE DAYS AGO, I WAS DEPRESSED.

Things I notice when I’m depressed”.

A COUPLE DAYS AGO, I WAS DEPRESSED.

Things I notice when I’m depressed.

• I don’t believe when people tell me they love me.

  (“If they only knew me a little better” I say”)

• If their love has the chance to reach me, I actually feel guilty! Like I don’t deserve it, and that they would be better off without me.

• I become incredibly obsessed with worries. Just thinking about them.

• I become numb and don’t even feel scared of danger (which for me is rare).

• I begin to welcome the thought of dying. I begin wishing for it.

• Lots of my thoughts are about death. About dying.

• I’m extremely tired.

• I sleep a lot.

• I let other people take control of my life.

• I feel very fragile and weak.

• I feel incredibly ugly.

• Nothing makes me happy. Nothing brings me joy.

• Every news are bad news. No matter how good it is. I immediately turn it into a negative.

• My eyes are heavy and I sleep a lot. I don’t want to wake up.

• My depression tells me that everything is hopeless. There is no future, and if there is future, the future is bleak. I feel like a terrible person. Like I do not deserve to be here.

• My body feels like a source of heaviness and frustration. It feels heavy and alien.

• I have a bit of trouble breathing. My throat feels tight.

• I just want to be alone and wallow in my sadness.

• When I go out and see people. I feel better. They distract me for a bit and I’m a good listener, since I don’t have the energy to talk. Although sometimes I get lost in the familiar, repetitive darkness of my thoughts.

• The world feels incredibly small and oppressive.

• I isolate myself (which makes me more depressed).

• My posture gets really bad.

• I eat junk food.

• I waste time watching shows or surfing the web.

• I cry a lot for any reason.

• I get dressed with whatever covers my body.

• I wish I was anyone but me.

• I feel bad for people who have me as a daughter, as a wife or as a mom.

• I don’t laugh. My face feels heavy and stuck.

This makes me so sad to read. To know that these thoughts were actually passing through my brain and that I felt so fragile.

Although, I must say that I find it endearing to imagine my younger self, barely making it out of bed. Making food for my kids. Washing clothes. Working. Cooking. Cleaning the bathroom. Opening Christmas presents. Throwing the recycling out, with all the colourful wrapping paper in it. Putting my kids to bed. All while carrying such a heavy burden of depression with me.

And then, afterwards, when I felt a little bit better, sat under a desk lamp and wrote about the huge attack of darkness I had just survived.

I just love humans. We are such fighters, and we’re always try to make sense of everything ❤️

But I must say that, what I found INCREDIBLY HELPFUL from writing this journal entry is that I realized some VERY important facts.

And those facts are:

DEPRESSION IS NOT ME.

DEPRESSION IS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS TO ME.

DEPRESSION IS ITS OWN ENTITY, AND HAS ITS OWN VOICE.

Those horrible things that depression tells me, those hateful and hopeless words, they are not coming from my inner wisdom or my deep inner self.

I realized that when I’m hearing these dark thoughts, it’s actually:

DEPRESSION —- SPEAKING ——- TO ————→ ME!

This, my friend, might sound awfully simple to you.

But for me, it was a tremendously important fact to understand.

Because it was then, that I was able to separate myself from depression.

I started seeing it like its own dark cloud of gloominess and hopelessness.

This realization seriously liberated me. Because then, I was able to say, NO to it.

I was able to “hear” the words, but knowing very well that I wasn’t saying them, nor did I have to believe them.

That was the first little step towards escaping that bout of depression and the ones I’ve had afterwards.

The reason why I feel the urge to share this, very very sad journal entry, is because I feel like there might be someone in the world who might be hearing these thoughts at this very moment. Isn’t it just heartbreaking?

I want to tell that Fellow Human:

YOU’RE NOT ALONE.

DEPRESSION IS NOT YOU.

DEPRESSION IS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS TO YOU.

DEPRESSION IS ITS OWN ENTITY, AND HAS ITS OWN VOICE.

DEPRESSION —- SPEAKING ——- TO ————→ YOU!

YOU NEED TO RECOGNIZE THE DARK VOICE WHEN IT’S SPEAKING TO YOU.

AND YOU DO NOT NEED TO BELIEVE WHAT IT SAYS. BECAUSE IT’S NOT TRUE!!

I want every human on earth who is having these thoughts to know that, these thoughts are not a sign to believe them, or to give up.

But a sign to change some things in our lives, to get close to people we love. To get out in the fresh air. To shake things up. To get some help.

Seriously, my dear, darling friend. If you’re hearing these messages, it’s not you.

You’re lovable and valuable and irreplaceable.

There’s hope.

I’m begging you to seek some help ❤️

DEPRESSION #2

I wrote about this second bout of depression in my Instagram, as it was happening.

I happened about 3 years ago and I illustrated it in these slides:

By the time this depression came, I was already divorced, I was in therapy and actually don’t remember exactly why I was feeling so terribly lousy. But it was December as well, so that might have had something to do with it.

At the same time, sometimes a bout of depression just jumps on you out of nowhere! Like a huge, evil dog.

In the following days, I’m going to share with you the tools I talked about in these slides.

The Getting Undepressed Toolkit™, which is basically a collection of the strategies I’ve used time and time again in order to regain my inner balance when the huge, evil dog jumps on me.

I thought I’d share these things with you right now because the holidays can be such a hard time for so many of us. And, if this is you, I don’t want you to feel alone.

I hope this can be of support to someone who needs it.

If you think of a person for whom this might be helpful, or if you recognize these signs in someone close to you, please know that they’re possibly in pain and distress.

And they might need your love, and they might need some mental health support. Please give them some love and share this post with them, wontcha?

Share

Big big hugs my dear friend,

and lots of love,

Ani ❤️

My dear friend,

these little cartoons are part of a chapter in my book that talks about a relationship I had that felt so pure and so strong that was mind boggling.

It was one of those moments that, when you meet the person, it feels like the world stops and it shimmers.

And when you hug the person, it feels like a volcano erupted, an pegasus peed stardust on you, and you just arrived to a heavenly home.

- A CONNECTION -

What does this concept describes, really?

I feel like we walk on the surface of the earth and we’re just wandering and meeting people here and there and it’s quite pleasant and delicious just to be alive, smelling flowers and petting cats and chatting away and eating mangoes with their juices running down our chins.

BUT,

One day, a person shows up and it feels like there’s an earthquake shaking our concept of reality, doesn’t it?

It feels like stumbling upon an old friend we’ve known for several lives! It feels invigorating, inspiring, EXHILARATING.

AND, at the same time, it feels so relaxing, natural and peaceful like hanging out with a beloved and cuddly pet. Their presence is a soothing balm to all previous lonelinesses.

We feel understood, like never before.

THAT, I think, is finding a good connection with another Fellow Human ❤️

And yet.

And yet,

A beautiful connection must be RECOGNIZED, APPRECIATED and CHERISHED by both people in it, in order to take us in any kind of joyful direction.

It can be honestly goodness, that the hairy hand of God himself drew a straight line to walk two people into one another, with the purpose of writing an extraordinary love story together.

But, if only one person sees the preciousness in this miracle, guys, I’m sorry to tell you, but this connection is truly not worth very much.

I know it is sad news, but in a way, it’s always good to know that a miracle happened.

Even for a little bit. We got to experience one of those, because they don’t happen all the time.

I’ve experience this disheartening phenomena in several occasions.

It’s very sad when it happens. But little by little I’m starting to understand it. You know?

See.

• Sometimes, for a person, a strong connection is actually terrifying! So they run away.

Can you imagine?!

It’s weird.

These people WANT to feel love. But when they face the real, true possibility to have it… then, the possibility to lose it, or to lose themselves in it, becomes tangible. So they freak out and scram, yelling to the heavens: HELL TO THE NO!!!!!!!!!!

• For some people, they feel more comfortable being in superficial relationships, where there is no risk of being truly seen, or of being vulnerable and deeply intimate with another person.

• Some need to date someone who reminds them of their parent. Especially a crappy one. Someone who might be slightly cruel, rejectful and unavailable. Even a little bit narcissistic, if possible, just to keep things interesting!

• Sometimes there are wounds that must be healed in order for them to even recognize the shining treasure standing up in front of them.

• Other times, there are latent connections that are still throbbing and aching in some dark spaces of their hearts. So their eyes are half closed, so to speak, in their ability to see our light.

• There is also the possibility that, no matter how beautiful the connection, a person does not have the wish or ability to do the labor of building and sustaining a relationship.

And so… sooner or later, the connection withers and becomes a source of pain.

Because only one person cannot sustain it. And we’re not supposed to.

Because, aren’t there WAY more important things to do with our precious energy, with our life and our love, than trying to convince another human that THE CONNECTION WE HAVE is worth fighting for?

Seriously, we have bigger fish to fry.

It might feel like a waste.

Almost like the universe has put a delicate, wish-fulfilling, magical dove in someone’s hands, and the person’s response is to light it on fire.

It hurts.

But all I can tell you, is that,

IT HAPPENS.

And, even when we feel a heart blazing, unbelievable connection with someone, we CANNOT force them to see its worth.

It’s painful to let go.

But it’s more painful to cling, tooth and nails, to someone who sees a precious connection as disposable.

I’m telling you.

It’s better to let go.

When you’re not clinging to anything, your hands might be empty for a while.

But they will remain YOURS. They will remain peaceful. And joyful. And hopeful.

Hopeful that they’ll be full of art and cats and flowers and mangoes and other people.

But also hopeful about the possibility that someone special will find them.

Someone who will see the connection with you as the biggest gift they’ve ever received from the universe.

They won’t believe their luck for the simple fact that someone like you actually exists!

And you won’t have to cling, because the holding strong will happen both ways.

THAT is the only connection worth fighting for, my dear friend.

That is the only connection worth fighting for.

Lots of love,

Ani ❤️

My sweet friend,

I hope you’re happy and enjoying summer!

My version of enjoying the summer has been to work a lot on my book and trying to escape my children (who are in the apartment the whole time!), so I can keep working on my book.

Last summer we had lots of epic adventures and this summer we’re having a coupla of them as well. Just not as epic as last year’s. Something is pushing me to REALLY DIG IN and focus on the writing on my book.

And I like to listen to what my instincts are telling me to do!

Because of this, I haven’t really been keeping up with social media AT ALL.

Which feels terribly irresponsible for the modern artist!!

Still, since I spend so many hours of my days working, and still I feel like there’s so much I would like to share that doesn’t fit into the book, I thought I might share a bit of it here, along with my progress and my process.

Whatcha think about that? 😀

Now, for the little frame at the top of this post,

in this part of the book, I was talking to my beloved friend and mentor, Jason Logan, and I was telling him about this guy I was dating who got in touch with me pretty intermittently.

I would send him an email and he would take a whole week to respond!

He would write humongous, flowery, flattering and lovely emails. But there was such a gap in communication, nevertheless. And he never wanted to have any dates after our first one!

So, Jason was pretty much, in a very gentle way, letting me know me that this would not be happening if the guy was truly interested on getting to know me. And I agree with him!

Still, I keep meeting different people every day who have such different needs for communication.

My friend (who doesn’t like to text very much) was asking me the other day if he should message his lady friend in between dates.

I told him I like it best when guys continue speaking to me in between dates. It keeps the good ol’ connection goin’!

In fact I seriously dislike when guys go on dates with me and then don’t talk to me at all in between. It’s too much of a switch! From existent to non-existent. From appearing to disappearing.

Is it weird that I find that unnatural?

Once a fellow human has shown up in my consciousness, if I really like them, I keep them there!

And I like to behave as if I’m glad that they exist. So I find it hard to understand when other people prefer to act as if I’m not part of their world and psyche at all, after we’ve connected.

But when my friend started texting his lady friend in between dates, he found out that she didn’t like to text very much either, since she was very unresponsive.

So, I told him, “You know what, Pepe?” (let’s call him Pepe), “We all have different needs for connection and communication. So, what works for me, might not work for other people”.

That’s why, when I think about having a “dating advice column”, I feel like the best I could offer is a “dating support column”. Because I’m learning as I go!

But still, I can tell you some universal truths:

• If someone wants to get to know you, they’ll keep showing up in your world! Over and over. Because when a deep connection happens, even if it’s for a little bit, a fellow human can bury like tick under our skin, and the world feels richer and more exciting because they are in it. So it’s natural that they would love to rejoice in your existence and your presence once more.

• No. Not everyone has the same communication needs. This needs to be taken into consideration when it comes to compatibility.

• No. Not everyone has the same closeness needs. This needs to be taken into consideration when it comes to compatibility.

• Of course, everyone has different paces when it comes to building connection! Some people want to build slowly, and have quiet times and spaces to chew on the experience of having been with another human for a little bit. While other people prefer to stay tight and close to each other from day one.

• Still, if someone is REALLY interested in you, and you tell them - “Hey buddy, I really enjoy your existence, and it would be so wonderful to be in touch a bit more often”, they will try to meet your need. And in the end, it will somehow please them, because it pleases you! Even if it’s a learning curve for them.

• And MOST CERTAINLY there are people who have avoidant attachment style. So they’re basically human boomerangs. They get super close, they freak out by their feelings and then they need to go away ridiculously far away, just to feel normal again. I don’t date those anymore, but they’re not bad people. They just need a lot of extra patience (and perhaps, therapy!).

• And I can tell you in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS, that a lot of people won’t be interested in you. So, they might stay away because they want to be away. It’s a painful truth, but really, all that means is that their eyes can’t see your light. You need to hang out with eyes that can see your light. So, these ones must immediately be eliminated from the competition to become the love of your life. They’re GONERS!

There’s also a bunch of people who will have a very similar communication style than us! So, those ones are easy peasy to communicate with. That’s not, on its own, enough to create a relationship, but it feels good to encounter humans who seem to have the same needs.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed dispatch #1 of the making of Dating As A Fellow Human.

If you have any comments or questions or anything, please let me know. It’s been a li’l bit lonely writing so much on my own. It would be so nice to connect with my dear readers once again.

Big hugs, and lots of love!

Ani ❤️

My dear friend,

I found this little note in an old and battered notebook I used for my to-do lists. It doesn’t have a date or anything! So I don’t know where it came from or for what purpose did I write it. But it made me smile!

So, I just took it as a gift from Ani of the past… And I wondered if it might make you feel good too! So I’m sharing it here with you ❤️

(Transcription below)

Do you ever worry

Are you beautiful enough to be loved?

Well, look around you.

I invite you to do this exercise:

GET OUT OF YOUR PHONE.

Go for a walk,

preferably where there are lots and lots of people.

The park - The mall - A ferry - The bus.

Look at the couples.

Are they ALL super insanely hot?

No, they aren’t. Seriously. Take a good look.

Couples come in ALL KINDS of shapes and mixes. Think about it.

He loves her. Love handles, wrinkles, white hair and all!

She loves him. No hair, big belly, warts and all!

LOOK CLOSELY.

Look so very close that you ACTUALLY stop seeing the person in front of you, the fellow human, the comrade in this journey of living on the surface of the earth, and ask yourself:

DOES THIS PERSON DESERVE LOVE?

Do they deserve to be loved?

Now, go back to your home.

To your school. To your bathroom. To your car.

Look at the mirror and stare at the magnificent beauty hiding inside your eyes. That deep pool of mystery and magic.

Ask yourself -

Does this human deserve love?

And from there, you can just go ahead and answer:

YES I DO.

I DESERVE LOVE.

You deserve love, my darling friend!!

And I’m sending you lots of it ❤️❤️❤️🥰

Big big hugs!

- Ani

for the last handful of months, I’ve been working pretty hard on a new project.

My publisher is still keeping things a little bit top secret, so I can’t tell you too too much about it!

But in this video, I’m showing you a tiny little bit of the process that goes into creating a graphic book. I also tell you about the story behind it!

Here it is:

I’m sending you lots of love!!

Ani

My sweet friend,

I hope the beginning of fall is finding you happy and healthy and well fed and well loved ❤️

I wanted to show you a bit of an obsession I’ve been having lately.

You know what it is??

Ok, I’ll tell you,

it’s this:

MY INNER VOICE!!!!!!!!

YEAH, MAN!!

Have you ever noticed yours?

You see. Something that happens to me, is that I can be REALLY harsh and cruel towards myself.

When?

• Well, maybe when I make a mistake (and I shame myself for it).

• When try to dare to do something I REALLY want to do but that scares me (and I tell myself it might not work out. And that I shouldn’t even try it!).

• When I get rejected by someone (and I tell myself nobody likes me).

(ETC)

Can you believe that?

The weird thing is that, I would NEVER talk to any of my loved ones that way. NEVER EVER IN A GAZILLION YEARS!!!

• If they make a mistake, I would tell them “My cutie patootie, we all make mistakes! You’re still a loveable person!”

• If they were trying to dare to do something that scared them, I would tell them “You can do it, my love! Try it! You will soar!!!”

• If they got rejected by someone, I would tell them “They just can’t see how beautiful you are, my sweet little dumpling! You’re a beautiful gift in anyone’s life”

Anyways,

you get the idea.

My question is this:

Why is it that I can be a better friend to other people than to myself?

…

A handful of months ago, I started drawing this little character.

I started finding it everywhere! I know I really love a character when I start finding doodles of them in every notebook I own. This one kept appearing on my pages over and over and over.

One day it even started to talk!

- “Are you being nice to yourself?”

And I knew it was talking about precisely that sneaky little subject of the inner voice.

My little character was asking questions about kindness towards myself .

- “Is this the way you would speak to a friend?”

- “TADAAAAAA ❤️”

(Very eloquent, I know!)

Anyways,

It’s faint little voice has been becoming louder and louder AND LOUDER

AND LOUDER!!!!!!!!!!

inside of my head for months and months,

and it’s been VERY HELPFUL ❤️

I’m starting to become more aware of the moments in which my inner voice becomes an inner bully, and then, I SWITCH.

I try to see myself like the sweet little vulnerable organism that was born into this earth, knowing NOTHING. Like the scared, fallible creature, deserving of warmth and love and safety and compassion.

And I talk to myself with as much kindness as I can muster.

And then I feel STRONGER.

Because, you know what?

I’ve decided I don’t want to have a self-bully inside of myself. I simply don’t want to!

If I have to live with myself, with my inner voice FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE ON THIS EARTH, I want that voice to be My Friend.

So, one day, my little character got a name!:

THE FRIEND WITHIN

Another day, after some experimentation, it got a colour:

I liked purple the very best!!!

So, The Friend Within was born in all its self-compassionate glory!!!

These days, every time I catch myself saying things like “I’m so stupid!”, “I can’t do this!”, “This won’t work out!”, “I’m unlovable!”

(or any of the gems my inner bully likes to throw at me)

I tell myself this:

IT’S TIME TO CALL THE FRIEND WITHIN!!!!

And, my sweet friends,

I’m so happy to report that, after using this little thought for some months, IT IS WORKING.

I won’t go into too many details, but, I’ve been under AN INSANE amount of stress.

To the point that I’ve been getting insomnia and other symptoms coming from it.

The other day, I was in New York, ready for a VERY important appointment about my upcoming book.

(Can you imagine?? An important appointment + With a very awesome human + IN NEW YORK!!!!!!)

But, I was getting sandblasted with a lot of stressful phone calls from back home. I had been so incredibly stressed out, and probably slept a total of 3 hours that night. My head was in such distress that: I MESSED UP THE TIME OF THE APPOINTMENT.

(Yes!!!! The VERY important appointment!! + With the very awesome human!!! + IN NEW YORK!!!!!! THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS!!! Can you imagine????? AAAAAH!!!!!!!!! SO MORTIFYING!!!!!)

My inner bully would have said something like this:

“Ani!! You’re so stupid!!! What’s wrong with you!!!??? You wanna ruin your life??!! Can’t you behave like an adult??! LOSER!!!!”

(or even worse obscenities I won’t repeat here)

But instead, I said my inner mantra, IT’S TIME TO CALL THE FRIEND WITHIN.

My inner voice was put to a real test!

The Friend Within asks this question:

What would you say to a Friend?

Seriously! What would I say?

What I would say is this:

“Dear Ani, you’ve been under A TON of stress. You haven’t slept in WEEKS and that affected your thinking process today. All humans make mistakes. You are very hard working. Anyone who has worked with you knows that. You can take accountability of your mistake, try to fix the problem and then move on. You’re an animal, my little darling! An animal with clothes. And animals are imperfect. You deserve love and warmth and safety. YOU ARE GOOD. Even when you make mistakes”.

So, I hailed a cab in the middle of the streets of New York, flailing my arms and screaming “TAXI!!!” like in the movies (the taxi was moving too slow, so I had to pay, and run the rest of the way!) I did make it to the second part of the meeting, and it was a wonderful one!!!

Later that day, I was drinking some juice with a friend, telling him the story of my day, and I thought to myself… gosh…. this is totally new.

This has never happened.

I have NEVER had a day where I royally screwed up and was able to still have a happy day. To still see myself like a good person deserving of love.

Isn’t that weird?

To have always been convinced that, if I screw up, I have to shame and abuse myself. To beat myself up to a pulp, in order to feel like a “responsible person”.

I find that so sad!

And I think The Friend Within has real power!!!!

Since it has been helping me so so much, I knew that day that NEEDED to share it with my Fellow Humans.

(To be honest, I’m so obsessed that I’ve been writing a book about it. But a book takes YEARS AND YEARS to come into existence. And I believe The Friend Within is needed NOW by so many people who live tortured by their inner bullies, just like me. I wanted this message to get into the world as soon as possible!)

So, I went to my apartment and created this poster:

I printed it in Brooklyn:

I woke up at 5am the day I was about to fly home, invited a most excellent friend to come with me,

and I set on an adventure to wheat paste it around New York!

I would really love it if I could tell my Fellow Humans about this discovery,

about The Friend Within.

I want to tell everyone about the inner voice and how it can be a bully or an ally.

I would love to ask everyone, do we really NEED to bully ourselves into being lovable or acceptable versions of ourselves????

Or do we need to question a world that asks us to act and speak against ourselves, in order to conform to an idea of what an “ideal” person should be???

I hope that The Friend Within can be a reminder that LOVE

REAL LOVE

starts from accepting and loving our beautiful and flawed selves.

From treating ourselves with compassion and with kindness.

To know, deep in our blood and our bones that, despite our flaws, we are

INHERENTLY GOOD.

This might sound selfish, or self-serving.

But it isn’t.

A human who is full of shame and fear will inflict more pain onto others than a human who is at peace with themselves.

Someone who is full of love will be able to spread more love!!!

Imagine a world like that?

So,

today,

I ask you,

my beautiful friend:

Are you speaking to yourself like you would to a friend?

I hope you are!

Because you deserve it ❤️

I’m sending you lots of lots of love,

- Ani

My dear friend,

Today’s newsletter is a li’l shortie one!

One of the things I’ve realized about myself in the last couple of years, is that I say “It’s OK” or “I’m OK” quite a bit, even when things are NOT ok, or when I am NOT OK in the slightest.

Why is that, I wonder?

My theory is that I’m used to trying to make people comfortable with the things I say.

And telling people you’re not OK, well, it’s like throwing a wet blanket on an otherwise jolly situation!

THEN you become the party pooper.

And nobody wants to be the party pooper!

The honest truth is that I’m pretty OK most of the time! So, most of the time it’s not necessary to overthink about it.

But what about the times when saying “It’s OK” or “I’m OK” is nothing but a wall built in between two people and their truths?

Nothing but a veil.

A mix between performance, pretence and people-pleasing?

Wouldn’t it be more helpful to say the truth?

Not only to other people,

but to our darling selves??

Anyways,

Yesterday I was writing this little note in my journal:

“Things to say instead of ‘I’m OK’, when you really are not:

“I’m hurting but the the hurt will pass. This is painful and all humans have painful moments. What do I need to feel cared for?”

Then, I opened a journal from 2021, in the middle of the dark era of lockdown and heartbreak, and I found this little note, which related to it oh so perfectly:

I’m not ok.

And I will heal.

This feels much better than what I’ve been saying my whole life:

It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s ok.

It’s not OK!

I’m not OK.

But I will be, eventually.

And then, I won’t be OK once again.

And then my wave, my rise and fall of okayness will continue and grow and rise and fall and this is life, isn’t it?

It’s not a constant state of okayness but just a lesson on how to surf the dips of on okayness better and better.

And to help these lower than us in the okayness scale when we’re feeling a bit okayer than them.

Are we ok?

Well, a lot of the time we are not.

We are in transition.

From one side of the spectrum of okayness towards the other.

And it’s OK. It’s OK, merely because it has to be.

Because there’s no other way.

Better to be OK with it.

I hope today you’re better than OK, my dearest friend.

I hope you’re feeling happy inside ✨

And I’m sending you lots of love ❤️

Your friend,

- Ani

My dear friend,

I found this little poem in one of my journals from when I was just starting to date, about one year after my divorce.

I was supposed to go on a date THAT NIGHT with some hottie doctor who contaced me online. And I was so terribly nervous!

Dating after a super long marriage and difficult divorce is hard for a lot of reasons.

But one of them is the fact that you know you can:

A) Meet someone.

B) Fall in Love.

C) Commit your whole existence to them.

D) Realize that you’ve made a bit of a miscalculation!

G) Going through the agonizingly gruelling ordeal of having to get out of this agreement, and resuscitate what’s left of your life from a pile of scorching ashes!!!

So, imagining yourself going through those steps AGAIN is beyond terrifying!!

In order to deal with the terror, I was writing this in my journal, to try to cheer myself up.

How was I cheering myself up?

By saying basically, “don’t worry Ani. If things don’t go well. You can just LEAVE HIM!”

Oh yeah.

It might sound cold.

But when I look back at Ani of the past with compassion, I realize that having made a commitment as huge as a marriage, and finding out after many many years that I didn’t make that decision as judiciously as I should, AND being conscious of the insanely high price I had to pay, had given me a bit of commitment phobia!

The funny thing is that my commitment phobia started at such an early stage as a FIRST DATE.

But again, I think, due to my past, it’s understandable.

And to be extremely honest, I suppose that, Yes!

I had learned that if a relationship is poopy, you can try to fix it with your love. But it’s very important to be aware that if things don’t get better, you can always leave it.

I suppose that’s one of those Self-Love lessons I’ve been learning!

Now. I say Men Are like Cities, because I partner with Men. But you could say that Women are like cities. Or that Non Binary Fellow Humans are like cities. Etc.

But something I want to make abundantly clear, is that I LOVE MEN ❤️

Seriously.

For some weird reason, I just do. Ever since I was little.

I have brothers whom I adore. My Dad is pretty awesome.

Throughout my life, I’ve encountered some kind and beautiful and encouraging and protective and inspiring men who have helped me enormously to become more and more of myself. By waking up parts of myself that I didn’t even know were there!

Anyways,

I’m not blind to the difficult things between men and women that have been coming to light in the last decade.

But I just really wanted to make that disclaimer!

And I wanted to tell you about what was going through my head at the time I wrote this…

MEN ARE LIKE CITIES

Men are kind of like cities,

they become darlings,

they get under your skin.

You get to feel like you belong to them,

they are part of the structure

That sustains you.

That supports you.

That contains you.

But at the same time

my spirit

does not want

to be contained.

It wants to be free.

Maybe if a city

makes me feel excited

keeps me engaged

makes me

utterly comfortable

gives me warmth

and safety and strength.

Maybe then,

I can stay.

But if it doesn’t.

If its streets

are dark

and damp

and stinky.

If the rent takes so much

out of me

that I don’t have

any leftover money

for anything else.

If I look up

and all the windows are cracked,

the trees decapitated

into dead stumps.

If the pollution.

The grit.

The isolation.

The despair.

Become so tremendously unbearable

that no matter

how many flowers

I paint on the alleyways,

the deadly anguish

engulfs me.

Or even if I

have just grown out of it.

Even then,

I reserve the right

to pack up my bags

and leave

at any moment.

No Man

No City

Has ownership

of ME.

My dear friend,

for a long time I’ve been meaning to tell you how I wrote my book PING.

I feel a bit daunted by how humongous of that newsletter that could be!

BUT, I thought I could start by tell you what PING was GOING to be, before it found its actual voice and heart.

As of today, the tiny little book I wrote in my bedroom has visited way more countries than I have. Which makes me feel super grateful and kind of incredulous, to be honest!

I will tell you about how I wrote it, illustrated it and published PING some other day,

but today I want to show you something I find really funny and kind of endearing when I think about the level of expertise I had when writing my first book (which was about zero!)

Not to mention, I was still feeling super duper shy about my English as a second language, so, all my notes were kept super secret.

For my eyes only!

This is my book, as it got published in North America:

BUT before all of this happened,

PING used to look totally different, and it used to have a completely different name.

Before I had settled on the name,

PING was called:

**** drumroll please ****

SQUAREFACE HATES PARTIES!

The idea behind this book, is that there was a little character who had a square face and who hated parties.

This was inspired, undoubtedly by the terrible terrible social anxiety I used to suffer!

But by the time I was writing this, I had been going to therapy for social anxiety for some years.

I had gone from someone who was terrified of parties and hated them with all her heart, to someone who actually LOVED parties with a passion!!!

This took years and years to accomplish. And it also took a lot of mental gymnastics.

I had amassed an arsenal of tools about how I learned how to love parties.

And how I learned to hang out with people, in general (when hanging out with people used to be basically a phobia of mine! Can you believe it???!!)

This book was meant to be a toolkit on how to enjoy parties, taught by a real party animal, named Sarubobo.

While I was rummaging around my old files, I found this little text note!

This is actually the first “draft” of Squareface Hates Parties (The text is super little. But I’m going to copy it and paste it below, so you can read it).

It’s not super refined or anything.

Basically I was just writing down some of the tricks I do myself so I can ignore my usual inner chatter and anxieties when I’m around other humans.

It’s almost as if Squareface is Ani Before Therapy For Social Anxiety.

And Sarubobo is Ani After Social Anxiety, trying to help her out.

Aw 🥲

Ok, here we go:

SQUAREFACE HATES PARTIES

By Ani Castillo

Squareface hates parties

Althought, he wonders

Why that might be?

Being that

He LOVES people

He truly enjoys One-On-Ones.

And he even has a best friend.

Her name is Sarubobo.

Sarubobo ADORES parties.

She’s the heart of them all.

“No worries, she says, just stay home and read a book. You like that!”

“But Sarubobo”, Squareface says, “I really feel like having an adventure”.

“No worries Squareface, if that’s what you truly want, I will help you love parties much better”.

Squareface, do you ever feel like you’re better than other people?

Only slightly. I’m very smart and a deep thinker.

Well, that won’t help. You gotta tell your heart one thing: all people’s feelings, ideas and experiences are precious. Even if they’re completely different from yours.

See that man over there?

Yes.

Look for something you like in him.

I like his golden rimmed buttons. And that he says please and thank you.

That’s a great job! Don’t you suddenly feel closer to the guy?

Sometimes I even imagine people having some big huge wings. Or a halo on top of their head. Kind of like an angel.

Who knows where the heck we came from? Why not imagine that we’re all these bunch of magical creatures hanging out on this planet.

By focusing on the other person, the pressure to “perform” is suddenly lifted.

Small talk is still talk.

Some people don’t like it because it is superficial, but it totally serves some kind of purpose within humanity. I bet even cavemen had some sort of small talk. (good morning! did you see that mammoth over there, it was big! yeah it was big!)

From small talk, you can extract much more interesting information and then comes the next point:

ASK QUESTIONS:

People enjoy questions.

FIND SOMETHING YOU CAN ADMIRE:

Even the most boring of people have something that they’re doing great at. And you know how many people have probably told them about it? About zero.

EXAMPLE

Hi! (small talk)

How Are you? (small talk)

Good thank you. (small talk)

Good weather we’re having eh? (small talk)

Yeah, it’s sunny. The plants like it. (small talk, you’ve struck some gold)

Oh you like plants? (question)

Yes, I garden sometimes. (Find something you can admire! Gardeners are awesome!! Gold!)

Oh, I love it when people go in their gardens. They make the world so pretty.

Well, you see... my dad used to garden and...

LISTEN

Use your imagination while listening to someone. Imagine what they’re saying. It’s so easy to get inside the story that way. And it’s so much fun!

Sometimes, if you get nervous while talking with someone, study her face. Look at the colours, at the movements, at the creases, at the hairs. Imagine that you’re painting them. Describe what you see to yourself (‘blue eyes’ ‘purple eyes’, shiny lips, square teeth, freckle one, freckle two)

MOST PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY SHY

In this world we’re expected to be this or that. And to look more like that person and have what the other person have. They will enjoy your conversation as long as you help them be more themselves.

STAY IN THIS MOMENT IN TIME

Words are like baby carrots with hummus. say them, taste them, and just like you’d swallow a piece of baby carrot with hummus, let it go to your belly and forget about it. Don’t keep chewing on the darn thing, don’t regurgitate it.

If you catch yourself going back to what you just said and feeling terrible and regretful about it, bring yourself back to the present. If you find yourself going into the future and thinking about what you’re gonna say, you, my friend, are time traveling.

Fight with yourself to bring your head back to the present, observe, listen, taste, breathe, smell, smack yourself , whatever is necessary but come back to where you are.

PRETEND THAT PEOPLE WANT TO BE YOUR FRIENDS

HECK

PRETEND THAT THEY’RE YOUR GOOD FRIENDS ALREADY

While I was sketching around some more ideas and tools for the book in my sketching pad, one day I wrote this little sentence:

Then I thought…

YES!!!!!

The Pong Belongs To The Other.

….

THE PONG BELONGS TO THE OTHER!!!!

Which must mean that:

WE CAN ONLY PING!!!!!

I got so incredibly excited about this idea.

It felt SO LIBERATING to realize that all I can do in any given interaction is to take care of MY part of the it.

So I felt such a pull to continue focusing and developing that idea only.

I decided, THIS IS MY BOOK!!

So I started sketching what would become my actual book, PING ❤️

I started sketching and writing everything I could think about Pinging and Ponging.

And about loving and living. And daring and creating. And being brave. And recognizing our good intentions.

And slowly but surely, the whole book started emerging from all those notes and sketches.

This whole idea of Pinging made me feel so much freer to just do whatever my heart told me to do. With all my love and with my best intentions.

And to let go of what happened after that.

I felt so liberated and I got OBSESSED about getting this book published. In case it could liberate others, like it did with me.

I leave you with the first pages of PING:

And yes,

my dear friend,

we can only Ping,

even if, just like Squareface,

as of today,

we happen to hate parties.

But who knows what will happen

If we just Ping with all our hearts

and let the Pong belong to the other?

❤️❤️❤️

With lots of love,

Ani

My dear friend, every year I set myself one lofty goal or another. This year, my goal is to learn how the hell to love myself once and for all.

The interesting thing is that, I’m pretty good at loving people (or those are the reviews I’ve received, anyways!).

But when it comes to myself, I’ve always had a bit of a hard time.

I tend to be harsh and impatient with myself a lot of the time. I don’t forgive myself very easily for my mistakes. I criticize and scold myself quite a bit. I compare myself to others quite unfavourably and then get all sad about it. I overlook the good things I do and fixate on the things I don’t do.

Anyways! Enough about that!

This whole entire year I’ve been working at this thing quite relentlessly.

I was looking at my journal, and, at the beginning of this month, I wrote this poem.

(I photographed the pages, but I transcribed it below)

I really wanted to share it with you ❤️

February

Month of LOVE

Because I want to learn

I want to get better

at loving ME.

What?

Does it sound weird?

Does it sound futile?

As an exercise?

I suppose it does.

I suppose it doesn’t count

when someone isn’t there

To support me.

To love me.

To be tender

towards me.

And because

I’ve chosen

paths of love

which have brought me

self-destruction

self-abandonment

self-delusion

self-inflicted agony and despair.

WHY?

Well, when I blink

for a second

to think about it

it is simply because

I never took the time

to realize that

I AM A GOOD THING.

I might make mistakes

Heaps and heaps of those.

I might not be

what the world tells me

is acceptable to be.

I might not be

What I always believed

to be “normal” or “lovable”.

But despite all of those

trains of thought

created by some

silly, old, rotten voice

of my past

or voice of my fears

I recognize now

that my real voice,

my actual truth,

my actual ME,

comes and goes

way deeper than that.

The real ME

is connected to the universe.

Is overflowing with love.

With beautiful dreams

with pure, innocent,

wonderful intentions.

How could I not love this?

How could I not love ME?

When I realize

that I was thrown

onto this planet

without a map

without instructions

full of confusion

full of flaws

but completely

bursting with love

and with magic?

I forgive myself

for being made

the way I am

since I didn’t make me.

I accept myself

I embrace myself,

in the same way

I accept the sunshine and the moon.

In the same way

I embrace

The summer and the winter.

We came from the same place,

didn’t we?

We were cut

from the same

universal fibres.

Now I tend to me,

to my garden

with the care and the love

I could give

to a bouquet of flowers

that was given to me

by the very hand

of whomever created EVERYTHING.

Because,

that is precisely,

what I

happen

to be.

With lots of love (and the tender beginnings of self-love),

your friend,

Ani.

Subscribe now

My dear friend,

I was looking through my journals a couple days ago, and I found these pages. And I HAD TO SHARE THEM WITH YOU.

The incredible thing about journals, is that they trap the writer in time. It’s kind of like a window of who I used to be a couple of years ago. And, holy moly. Was I ever a bit of a character back in the day.

This entry in particular is from a VERY INTENSE period of my life. I had recently gotten separated from my ex-husband after 12 years of being together.

I call this stage “The Walking Wound Stage”. Because, as I used to tell my friends: “I don’t have a wound. I AM A WOUND!”. I felt such anguish, confusion, terror, loneliness, guilt and overall inner distress that I was pretty unreasonable in those early days.

I had firmly decided not to date anyone for a long time, just to get me, and my girls back on our feet!

But in a twist of fate, after a hot yoga class, I met a guy with whom I started a super emotionally charged emotional affair. Let’s call him Goldy.

Should I mention, though, that this torrid affair was conducted mainly by email? In fact, I trace back on when I developed a true discipline of writing for at least one hour every day, and it all started because we used to write insanely romantic, mile-long emails to each other every-single-day! And this went on for months!!

After a while, I decided to stop writing him emails because I realized he was emotionally unavailable (a form of man of which I seem to be a frequent customer).

So, in order to stop this unhealthy relationship, and to continue my budding good writing habits, I started writing him letters in my journal. And never sending them to him!

This is just one of them:

“Hey Goldy!

Did I ever tell you, which one was the moment I realized I was in love with you? Did I tell you?

If I didn’t, well, please allow me to tell you the story…

At the time, I had only seen you that one time, in the forest on top of the hill, where there was a bench perfectly suited to hold our kindred butts, one of the only times we spent together.

At the same time, you had been writing a lot, and I had been writing to you as well, so, the process of my heart cracking open like a dam, letting its waters spill the entirety of their weight, of their violence, had already started.

I was one day, swimming at the YMCA and teaching my little Elodie how to swim (of which I’m really proud!)

At some point, I noticed a guy, a man, who was taking a break at the edge of the pool. He was just relaxing there.

I was just floating around in the deep end of the pool with the water up to my lips, looking at this man with the curiosity of a foreigner trying to figure out a new language.

The same water that was licking my lips, that chlorinated and smooth water, was also gently slapping this man’s nipples.

This image made me think of you so hard that I just wanted to weep!

When we sat at the bench, I could see your tiny, hardened nipples, stiffing up like little M&M’s against your distressed, thin t-shirt.

The nipples.

YOUR nipples.

Nipples I’m fond of.

And then, you had described the place you have in the country where you get to see the lake rippling and dancing and spanking the curves of the shore. How delicious. How fucking delicious it would be to be at a lake, at any lake, with you.

With your darling nipples.

How happy that would have made me.

All of this in an instant.

I entered that pool feeling smart and free. Happy to have a cool and sweet pen pal like you. Happy to know you.

But when I left that pool., I had to admit to myself that my smarts, all my smarts that have been trying to keep me away from you, had all but abandoned me.

I morphed into a deer at the YMCA’s communal waters.

Like a baptism.

Of acceptance.

I surrendered to the feeling.

And a brand new stage had begun for me”.

After a while of this insane practice of writing imaginary love letters, I wrote this:

“I am starting to wonder if this writing letters to you is a good idea. Ain’t I wasting my time and energy again?

Imaginary letters to imaginary Goldy.

I find them to be a nice and productive writing exercise!

But, don’t these letters prevent me from distancing myself from you?

Do these letters help me heal? Or are they keeping me attached to you? Painfully so?

Should I stop?

But I enjoy them so much!

I enjoy so much being in love with you.

Even if you don’t even really exist. Even though the image I have of you comes mostly from my imagination”.

You can tell, however obsessive and out of reality I sounded… that there was a piece of me that was actually pretty aware of what was actually going on.

It makes me feel a bit sad, because,

I guess after many years in a lonely marriage, I was just starving for love!!

And I thought I had found some. And I was trying to cling to it.

After another little while of writing letters, I wrote this little note:

“Dear Goldy.

All this writing.

I thought it would make YOU more real.

But in turn,

I think, it’s making ME

More real.

At least to my own eyes”.

A couple pages after that,

I wrote this:

And after that page, I never wrote letters for Goldy ever again.

Which was very healthy, I think!

YET, I continued writing.

Which is even healthier!

THAT was actually, when I took a very serious discipline of writing every day.

Now, writing has helped me and accompanied me through so many up and downs. Including a very lonely global pandemic as an immigrant single mom.

Writing has been nurturing and healing. A way to connect to myself and to the universe, and simply, a way to survive!

And it all started,

With a failed email romance

And a nice man

With some remarkably noticeable nipples.

And for all that,

I’m grateful.