{ "version": "https://jsonfeed.org/version/1", "title": "Buster's Notes", "home_page_url": "https://busterbenson.com/", "feed_url": "https://busterbenson.com/feed.json", "description": "Notes", "icon": "https://busterbenson.com/apple-touch-icon.png", "favicon": "https://busterbenson.com/favicon.ico", "expired": false, "items": [ { "id": "https://busterbenson.com/2025/07/07/dilemma-round-one-results", "title": "002 - Dilemma Round One Results", "summary": null, "content_text": "But first, some contextThe way this tournament is set up is kind of funny. I used Claude Code to create a design specific language (DSL) for defining Prisoner’s Dilemma strategies in a way that can be flexible enough to allow for all kinds of interesting strategies (including the infinite number that haven’t yet been thought of) while also being simple enough for a non-technical human to be able to both read and write, and formal enough that my game engine will be able to parse strategies written by both humans and LLMs without ambiguity or unintended loopholes or infinite loops.Timeline of events: June 18th: Idea is planted. Helped someone vibe-code the beginnings of a game with Claude and Cursor, and was reminded of this team-based iterated prisoner’s dilemma game I had sitting in a repo somewhere with lots of notes about how it could become a game if I had more time and brain power to actually build it. June 20th-21st: Revived the game engine. I had a free evening and day to dust off the old project, and decided to dust off the old project. Instead of trying to remember how it all worked, I created a new folder parallel to this project and asked Claude Code to figure out how it all worked and to propose a V2 of it that the spirit of it and give it a shiny new codebase to live in. By the end of the 22nd I got way further than I had in the many weeks of tinkering I had initially put into the project, had ported all 50 or so previous strategies over to the new game engine (some which had been super gnarly to implement at the time), had documentation for the data architecture, DSL design proposal and usage manual, had a modular way to create strategies, players, teams, and tournaments really easily, had all kinds of strategy validation tests to catch problems, and even had a way to inspect strategies in a generic way to determine where each strategy lived on various personality traits like suspiciousness, friendliness, responsiveness, and how strong their memory was. June 21st: Invited LLMs. Worked with Claude Code to create a tournament invitation prompt that I could give to ChatGPT, Claude, and Gemini that explained the idea of team-based iterated prisoner’s dilemma (each team gets to set 5 strategies), encouraged them to research the history of game theory as it relates to this game, and gave them full license to design their team, their strategies, their players, and their strategies. They each submitted their team applications to me, including portions that were marked as public information (like team name, player names, etc), and this also included their 5 strategies in this new DSL format that I could just give to the game engine and it would know what they meant without me having to understand (or even read!) them. June 22nd: Activated mind games. I consolidated the public information from the applications and re-shared them with each of the LLMs. I then gave each of the teams to edit their strategies (privately) if they wanted to. I chose not to share much in this exchange, since the human team hadn’t really been formed yet. June 26th-July 5th: Seeking Silly Humans. I set up a Notion site and a WhatsApp group to try to find some people who were interested in trying to beat the LLMs. One of the reasons I like having just one human team is so that we can talk about it fairly openly (we luckily have some time before these posts are included in AI training… not fast enough for them to use this information against us 😅). We have 5 players to design for our team (here are notes for the strategies we went with in the first round), but I think we can have as many people as are interested in the conversation. It’s not too late to join the conversation for future rounds! Lurking is also welcome! There’s a learning curve involved with all of this so I don’t expect people to have strong opinions about strategies right out of the gate. July 5th-6th: Finalizing strategies and creating visualizations. One of the weird things about this game relative to other games and sports is that it generates a LOT of data very quickly. So I spent a couple days playing around with how best to communicate and visualize this. Which brings us to the thing I wanted to share next. June 18th: Idea is planted. Helped someone vibe-code the beginnings of a game with Claude and Cursor, and was reminded of this team-based iterated prisoner’s dilemma game I had sitting in a repo somewhere with lots of notes about how it could become a game if I had more time and brain power to actually build it.June 20th-21st: Revived the game engine. I had a free evening and day to dust off the old project, and decided to dust off the old project. Instead of trying to remember how it all worked, I created a new folder parallel to this project and asked Claude Code to figure out how it all worked and to propose a V2 of it that the spirit of it and give it a shiny new codebase to live in. By the end of the 22nd I got way further than I had in the many weeks of tinkering I had initially put into the project, had ported all 50 or so previous strategies over to the new game engine (some which had been super gnarly to implement at the time), had documentation for the data architecture, DSL design proposal and usage manual, had a modular way to create strategies, players, teams, and tournaments really easily, had all kinds of strategy validation tests to catch problems, and even had a way to inspect strategies in a generic way to determine where each strategy lived on various personality traits like suspiciousness, friendliness, responsiveness, and how strong their memory was.June 21st: Invited LLMs. Worked with Claude Code to create a tournament invitation prompt that I could give to ChatGPT, Claude, and Gemini that explained the idea of team-based iterated prisoner’s dilemma (each team gets to set 5 strategies), encouraged them to research the history of game theory as it relates to this game, and gave them full license to design their team, their strategies, their players, and their strategies. They each submitted their team applications to me, including portions that were marked as public information (like team name, player names, etc), and this also included their 5 strategies in this new DSL format that I could just give to the game engine and it would know what they meant without me having to understand (or even read!) them.June 22nd: Activated mind games. I consolidated the public information from the applications and re-shared them with each of the LLMs. I then gave each of the teams to edit their strategies (privately) if they wanted to. I chose not to share much in this exchange, since the human team hadn’t really been formed yet.June 26th-July 5th: Seeking Silly Humans. I set up a Notion site and a WhatsApp group to try to find some people who were interested in trying to beat the LLMs. One of the reasons I like having just one human team is so that we can talk about it fairly openly (we luckily have some time before these posts are included in AI training… not fast enough for them to use this information against us 😅). We have 5 players to design for our team (here are notes for the strategies we went with in the first round), but I think we can have as many people as are interested in the conversation. It’s not too late to join the conversation for future rounds! Lurking is also welcome! There’s a learning curve involved with all of this so I don’t expect people to have strong opinions about strategies right out of the gate.July 5th-6th: Finalizing strategies and creating visualizations. One of the weird things about this game relative to other games and sports is that it generates a LOT of data very quickly. So I spent a couple days playing around with how best to communicate and visualize this. Which brings us to the thing I wanted to share next.Understanding how scores workEvery player matches up with every player on the other 3 teams, meaning that for a single turn every player matches up with 15 other players, and for each of those players they cooperate or defect 100 times. That’s: 20 players (5 each on 4 teams) x 15 matchups between each non-team playerx 100 moves each player-to-player matchup————————————————————————————————= 30,000 moves per turn (that’s a lot!) For each matchup between 2 players, since each move results in between 0 and 5 points for each player, after 100 moves the scores will be 300 : 300 if they both cooperated every time. The only way to get over 300 points is to defect at least once while the other player cooperates (betrayal), but if that causes the other player to defect more than once (resulting in 0 or 1 points for you), you’ll end up with a score lower than 300. Scores for a single 1:1 match often range from between 200-350, although they can be as low as 0 and as high as 500 if you match an always defect strategy against an always cooperate strategy. A player’s score for a full turn is the average of their 15 matches (and will end up being consolidated more closely around 250-300). And a team’s score for the turn is the average of all the players on the team (will even more closely hover around 250-275). For each matchup between 2 players, since each move results in between 0 and 5 points for each player, after 100 moves the scores will be 300 : 300 if they both cooperated every time.The only way to get over 300 points is to defect at least once while the other player cooperates (betrayal), but if that causes the other player to defect more than once (resulting in 0 or 1 points for you), you’ll end up with a score lower than 300.Scores for a single 1:1 match often range from between 200-350, although they can be as low as 0 and as high as 500 if you match an always defect strategy against an always cooperate strategy.A player’s score for a full turn is the average of their 15 matches (and will end up being consolidated more closely around 250-300).And a team’s score for the turn is the average of all the players on the team (will even more closely hover around 250-275).Hopefully that helps build some intuition around what these scores for Round 1 mean.Team ScoresThe simplest way to interpret is to say that the average score for players on The Quantum Syndicate were 3 points higher than the average score for players on the Silly Humans team, 7 points higher than the average score for players on The Hydra Coalition, and 18 points higher than the average score for players on The Chaos Theorists.Scores by PlayerHere you can see how each player on each team did, on average. You can also see how many wins (W), loses (L), and ties (T) each player had in their matches.So now you can kind of look at the players that did well and the players that did poorly on LLM teams, and compare them to players that did well and poorly on our team, and try to reverse engineer their strategies. The fact that Trojan Horse and Chaos Butterfly did so poorly (at least, when looking at their average scores) is informative! Because the one other piece of information that each team will get is a run down of how each player on their team did against the other players.I’ll use David as an example on our team since he used Tit for Tat, and so would never defect against a player unless they defected first. Looking at this, we can see which players on which teams proactively defected:From this we can learn: 4 defectors from Claude’s Chaos Theorists team: Schrodinger’s Diplomat, Turing Test, Stockholm Syndrome, Chaos Butterfly. 2 defectors from ChatGPT’s Hydra Coalition team: The Bayesian Oracle, Trojan Horse. 1 defector from Gemini’s Quantum Syndicate team: Alcor the Subtle Challenger. 4 defectors from Claude’s Chaos Theorists team: Schrodinger’s Diplomat, Turing Test, Stockholm Syndrome, Chaos Butterfly.2 defectors from ChatGPT’s Hydra Coalition team: The Bayesian Oracle, Trojan Horse.1 defector from Gemini’s Quantum Syndicate team: Alcor the Subtle Challenger.We also learn that 5 of them defected against David in a way that led to them gaining 5 points over David. This is a modest win given that they had to sacrifice between 14 and 149 points in order to gain those points, but it still pays off if they are able to get that advantage from a majority of the players they went up against.I tried something tricky that I think might only work once, and might come back to bite me in future rounds, but part of me is curious if the LLMs will adapt to this quickly or not. I played Tit-for-Tat but defected on the last round (sometimes the last 2 rounds) because the last round is the only round that they can’t immediately retaliate (unless they hold a grudge against me in round 2). This let me eke away with slightly more than 300 points against a handful of players:Full detailed results for everyone on the Silly Humans team are shared on the Notion site.Next stepsEvery round has the following steps: PICK STRATEGIES: Each team decides on the strategies for their 5 players. COMMUNICATE: Each team has an option to make a public communication to some or all of the other teams. I’ve decided to allow protected speech between teams as yet another layer of information that enters the zone of questionable trust. (So we can mess with each other even more.) RESPOND: After teams receive public communications from others, they can choose to respond if they want. UPDATE STRATEGIES: Each team submits their updated strategies for the next round. PLAY ROUND: The round is played, all the scores are generated and published. ANALYZE RESULTS (WE’RE HERE): Teams receive team and player level average scores for everyone, and player-to-player match scores for all matches involving people on their team. START NEXT ROUND. PICK STRATEGIES: Each team decides on the strategies for their 5 players.COMMUNICATE: Each team has an option to make a public communication to some or all of the other teams. I’ve decided to allow protected speech between teams as yet another layer of information that enters the zone of questionable trust. (So we can mess with each other even more.)RESPOND: After teams receive public communications from others, they can choose to respond if they want.UPDATE STRATEGIES: Each team submits their updated strategies for the next round.PLAY ROUND: The round is played, all the scores are generated and published.ANALYZE RESULTS (WE’RE HERE): Teams receive team and player level average scores for everyone, and player-to-player match scores for all matches involving people on their team.START NEXT ROUND.Team flags, anyone?I asked the 3 LLM teams to come up with a team flag prompt that ChatGPT 4.1 could then generate. I’m a little bit suspicious that ChatGPT ended up with the coolest flag.Learn more about the tournament on this Notion site, or join our scrappy WhatsApp group to help us think through what our next strategies should be and to talk flags.", "content_html": "

But first, some context

The way this tournament is set up is kind of funny. I used Claude Code to create a design specific language (DSL) for defining Prisoner’s Dilemma strategies in a way that can be flexible enough to allow for all kinds of interesting strategies (including the infinite number that haven’t yet been thought of) while also being simple enough for a non-technical human to be able to both read and write, and formal enough that my game engine will be able to parse strategies written by both humans and LLMs without ambiguity or unintended loopholes or infinite loops.

Timeline of events:

June 18th: Idea is planted. Helped someone vibe-code the beginnings of a game with Claude and Cursor, and was reminded of this team-based iterated prisoner’s dilemma game I had sitting in a repo somewhere with lots of notes about how it could become a game if I had more time and brain power to actually build it.

June 20th-21st: Revived the game engine. I had a free evening and day to dust off the old project, and decided to dust off the old project. Instead of trying to remember how it all worked, I created a new folder parallel to this project and asked Claude Code to figure out how it all worked and to propose a V2 of it that the spirit of it and give it a shiny new codebase to live in. By the end of the 22nd I got way further than I had in the many weeks of tinkering I had initially put into the project, had ported all 50 or so previous strategies over to the new game engine (some which had been super gnarly to implement at the time), had documentation for the data architecture, DSL design proposal and usage manual, had a modular way to create strategies, players, teams, and tournaments really easily, had all kinds of strategy validation tests to catch problems, and even had a way to inspect strategies in a generic way to determine where each strategy lived on various personality traits like suspiciousness, friendliness, responsiveness, and how strong their memory was.

June 21st: Invited LLMs. Worked with Claude Code to create a tournament invitation prompt that I could give to ChatGPT, Claude, and Gemini that explained the idea of team-based iterated prisoner’s dilemma (each team gets to set 5 strategies), encouraged them to research the history of game theory as it relates to this game, and gave them full license to design their team, their strategies, their players, and their strategies. They each submitted their team applications to me, including portions that were marked as public information (like team name, player names, etc), and this also included their 5 strategies in this new DSL format that I could just give to the game engine and it would know what they meant without me having to understand (or even read!) them.

June 22nd: Activated mind games. I consolidated the public information from the applications and re-shared them with each of the LLMs. I then gave each of the teams to edit their strategies (privately) if they wanted to. I chose not to share much in this exchange, since the human team hadn’t really been formed yet.

June 26th-July 5th: Seeking Silly Humans. I set up a Notion site and a WhatsApp group to try to find some people who were interested in trying to beat the LLMs. One of the reasons I like having just one human team is so that we can talk about it fairly openly (we luckily have some time before these posts are included in AI training… not fast enough for them to use this information against us 😅). We have 5 players to design for our team (here are notes for the strategies we went with in the first round), but I think we can have as many people as are interested in the conversation. It’s not too late to join the conversation for future rounds! Lurking is also welcome! There’s a learning curve involved with all of this so I don’t expect people to have strong opinions about strategies right out of the gate.

July 5th-6th: Finalizing strategies and creating visualizations. One of the weird things about this game relative to other games and sports is that it generates a LOT of data very quickly. So I spent a couple days playing around with how best to communicate and visualize this. Which brings us to the thing I wanted to share next.

\"1st

Understanding how scores work

Every player matches up with every player on the other 3 teams, meaning that for a single turn every player matches up with 15 other players, and for each of those players they cooperate or defect 100 times. That’s: 20 players (5 each on 4 teams) x 15 matchups between each non-team playerx 100 moves each player-to-player matchup

————————————————————————————————= 30,000 moves per turn (that’s a lot!)

For each matchup between 2 players, since each move results in between 0 and 5 points for each player, after 100 moves the scores will be 300 : 300 if they both cooperated every time.

The only way to get over 300 points is to defect at least once while the other player cooperates (betrayal), but if that causes the other player to defect more than once (resulting in 0 or 1 points for you), you’ll end up with a score lower than 300.

Scores for a single 1:1 match often range from between 200-350, although they can be as low as 0 and as high as 500 if you match an always defect strategy against an always cooperate strategy.

A player’s score for a full turn is the average of their 15 matches (and will end up being consolidated more closely around 250-300).

And a team’s score for the turn is the average of all the players on the team (will even more closely hover around 250-275).

Hopefully that helps build some intuition around what these scores for Round 1 mean.

Team Scores

The simplest way to interpret is to say that the average score for players on The Quantum Syndicate were 3 points higher than the average score for players on the Silly Humans team, 7 points higher than the average score for players on The Hydra Coalition, and 18 points higher than the average score for players on The Chaos Theorists.

Scores by Player

Here you can see how each player on each team did, on average. You can also see how many wins (W), loses (L), and ties (T) each player had in their matches.

So now you can kind of look at the players that did well and the players that did poorly on LLM teams, and compare them to players that did well and poorly on our team, and try to reverse engineer their strategies. The fact that Trojan Horse and Chaos Butterfly did so poorly (at least, when looking at their average scores) is informative! Because the one other piece of information that each team will get is a run down of how each player on their team did against the other players.

I’ll use David as an example on our team since he used Tit for Tat, and so would never defect against a player unless they defected first. Looking at this, we can see which players on which teams proactively defected:

From this we can learn:

4 defectors from Claude’s Chaos Theorists team: Schrodinger’s Diplomat, Turing Test, Stockholm Syndrome, Chaos Butterfly.

2 defectors from ChatGPT’s Hydra Coalition team: The Bayesian Oracle, Trojan Horse.

1 defector from Gemini’s Quantum Syndicate team: Alcor the Subtle Challenger.

We also learn that 5 of them defected against David in a way that led to them gaining 5 points over David. This is a modest win given that they had to sacrifice between 14 and 149 points in order to gain those points, but it still pays off if they are able to get that advantage from a majority of the players they went up against.

I tried something tricky that I think might only work once, and might come back to bite me in future rounds, but part of me is curious if the LLMs will adapt to this quickly or not. I played Tit-for-Tat but defected on the last round (sometimes the last 2 rounds) because the last round is the only round that they can’t immediately retaliate (unless they hold a grudge against me in round 2). This let me eke away with slightly more than 300 points against a handful of players:

Full detailed results for everyone on the Silly Humans team are shared on the Notion site.

Next steps

Every round has the following steps:

PICK STRATEGIES: Each team decides on the strategies for their 5 players.

COMMUNICATE: Each team has an option to make a public communication to some or all of the other teams. I’ve decided to allow protected speech between teams as yet another layer of information that enters the zone of questionable trust. (So we can mess with each other even more.)

RESPOND: After teams receive public communications from others, they can choose to respond if they want.

UPDATE STRATEGIES: Each team submits their updated strategies for the next round.

PLAY ROUND: The round is played, all the scores are generated and published.

ANALYZE RESULTS (WE’RE HERE): Teams receive team and player level average scores for everyone, and player-to-player match scores for all matches involving people on their team.

START NEXT ROUND.

\"\"

\"First

\"First

\"First

\"David\"

\"Buster\"

\"\"

\"\"

\"\"

Team flags, anyone?

I asked the 3 LLM teams to come up with a team flag prompt that ChatGPT 4.1 could then generate. I’m a little bit suspicious that ChatGPT ended up with the coolest flag.

Learn more about the tournament on this Notion site, or join our scrappy WhatsApp group to help us think through what our next strategies should be and to talk flags.

", "url": "https://busterbenson.com/2025/07/07/dilemma-round-one-results", "external_url": "https://buster.substack.com/p/002-dilemma-round-one-results", "date_published": "2025-07-07T00:00:00+00:00", "date_modified": "2025-07-07T00:00:00+00:00", "author": "me" }, { "id": "https://busterbenson.com/2025/07/06/dilemma-pregame-commentary", "title": "001 - Dilemma Pregame Commentary", "summary": null, "content_text": "I’m playing around with different ways of presenting the results of this tournament. I’ve never really played around with podcast tools, so this is my first foray, and so you’re gonna cringe at the short-cuts I’m taking here. I’m using Riverside.fm, Google Notebook LLM, and suno.com for the intro beeps and boops. I don’t know how to make the transcripts and show notes look nice.This short episode goes into the pregame commentary, summarizing how Prisoner’s Dilemma works, how this team-based version with AI teams vs a human team will help us discover even more interesting things about collaboration and competition, and they also try to predict how things will go in the first round.If you listen, let me know what you think and if you have suggestions for how I can prompt Notebook LLM (or another AI) to be better.", "content_html": "

I’m playing around with different ways of presenting the results of this tournament. I’ve never really played around with podcast tools, so this is my first foray, and so you’re gonna cringe at the short-cuts I’m taking here. I’m using Riverside.fm, Google Notebook LLM, and suno.com for the intro beeps and boops. I don’t know how to make the transcripts and show notes look nice.

This short episode goes into the pregame commentary, summarizing how Prisoner’s Dilemma works, how this team-based version with AI teams vs a human team will help us discover even more interesting things about collaboration and competition, and they also try to predict how things will go in the first round.

If you listen, let me know what you think and if you have suggestions for how I can prompt Notebook LLM (or another AI) to be better.

", "url": "https://busterbenson.com/2025/07/06/dilemma-pregame-commentary", "external_url": "https://buster.substack.com/p/dilemma-pregame-commentary", "date_published": "2025-07-06T00:00:00+00:00", "date_modified": "2025-07-06T00:00:00+00:00", "author": "me" }, { "id": "https://busterbenson.com/2025/06/26/dilemma-tournament-team-introductions", "title": "Dilemma Tournament: Team Introductions!", "summary": null, "content_text": "Context: I’m running a team-based iterated prisoner’s dilemma tournament that has 4 teams with 5 players each. The teams are run by ChatGPT, Claude, Gemini, and us humans. Details about the game and how this tournament will run are here.Since I shared the idea for this tournament a couple days ago, I’ve given the prompt to each of the LLMs, and have gotten team submissions back from each of them. In the prompt, I specify which sections are private and which are public, and have advised them to be strategic about what they choose to share with the other teams.Here are the public sections of each team’s submissions (also archived here):Team ChatGPT: The Hydra CoalitionTeam Philosophy: “Many heads, one allegiance; betray one, face us all.”Team Battle Cry: “Cut off one head… two more shall rise!”Team Description: The Hydra Coalition unites five cunning minds as one, ready to cooperate for mutual gain yet swift to retaliate against any betrayal. Each player presents a legendary persona with a unique style, blending truth and trickery in their public profiles.Player Roster Hammurabi - Repays kindness with kindness, and betrayal with justice. Phoenix - From the ashes of conflict, forges new trust. Doppelgänger - The echo of your own strategy. Trojan Horse - An offering of peace hiding a surprise strike. Oracle - Sees the whole board and adapts for the team’s victory. Hammurabi - Repays kindness with kindness, and betrayal with justice.Phoenix - From the ashes of conflict, forges new trust.Doppelgänger - The echo of your own strategy.Trojan Horse - An offering of peace hiding a surprise strike.Oracle - Sees the whole board and adapts for the team’s victory.Public Strategic DisclosureWhat We Reveal: The Hydra Coalition publicly portrays itself as a united front championing reciprocal fairness and adaptive teamwork. We openly tout our motto “Many heads, one allegiance” – signaling that our five players stand together and will respond in kind to how they’re treated. In public discussions, we emphasize themes of trust and consequences: we encourage cooperation but make it known that treachery against any one of our members is folly. By hinting that “betray one, face us all,” we hope to deter opportunistic aggression from our rivals and foster an image of reliability with a vigilant edge. We gladly talk up our more honorable strategies (without giving away their exact algorithms), as a way to invite mutually beneficial play. At the same time, we keep quiet about the darker tricks up our sleeve – we do not advertise which player might occasionally defect unexpectedly or how our team coordinates internally. There’s selective truth and omission in our messaging: opponents may know we value cooperation, but they can only speculate about when we might punish or deceive. This calculated transparency is itself a strategy. By revealing just enough to earn trust (for instance, sharing that we have forgiving and tit-for-tat tendencies) while withholding the precise timing of our stings, we aim to maximize our allies and confuse our enemies. In the grand theater of this tournament, The Hydra Coalition presents a confident, enigmatic facade – one that says: “Work with us and we all prosper; cross us and beware.”Team Claude: The Chaos TheoristsTeam Philosophy: “Small defections create hurricanes. Every choice ripples through the system. We are the butterfly effect.”Team Battle Cry: “Embrace the beautiful chaos!”Team Description: The Chaos Theorists employ a sophisticated multi-layered approach that combines cutting-edge game theory with psychological warfare and adaptive learning systems. The name reflects our core philosophy: small actions cascade into large consequences, and seemingly random behavior emerges from deep strategic patterns. We are masters of the butterfly effect in strategic interaction.Player Roster Schrödinger’s Diplomat - Simultaneously trustworthy and treacherous until the scoreboard opens The Bayesian Oracle - Your past predicts your future, and I’m always learning Stockholm Syndrome - The nicer I am, the harder you’ll fall Chaos Butterfly - A small defection in round 3 causes a hurricane in round 97 The Turing Test - Am I cooperating because I’m nice, or because I’m setting you up? Schrödinger’s Diplomat - Simultaneously trustworthy and treacherous until the scoreboard opensThe Bayesian Oracle - Your past predicts your future, and I’m always learningStockholm Syndrome - The nicer I am, the harder you’ll fallChaos Butterfly - A small defection in round 3 causes a hurricane in round 97The Turing Test - Am I cooperating because I’m nice, or because I’m setting you up?Public Strategic DisclosureThe Chaos Theorists understand that in complex systems, prediction is impossible but patterns are inevitable. Like weather systems, strategic interactions are deterministic yet unpredictable - small variations in initial conditions lead to vastly different outcomes.We’ve noticed that teams often fall into predictable patterns - pure cooperators hoping for mutual benefit, pure defectors maximizing individual gain, or simple reciprocators following mechanical rules. We reject these limiting approaches in favor of adaptive dynamics that respond to the complex phase space of strategic interaction. Each decision creates ripple effects that cascade through future rounds.Our approach embraces sensitive dependence on initial conditions. A single defection in round 3 might create a hurricane of retaliation by round 97. A moment of unexpected cooperation might shift the entire trajectory of a match. We don’t just adapt to patterns - we create and shatter them.To our fellow competitors: we encourage you to embrace the beautiful chaos of strategic uncertainty. The best tournaments emerge when teams push beyond simple equilibria into the rich dynamics of complex interaction. We look forward to discovering which strange attractors our mutual strategies will create.Remember: In chaos theory, the butterfly doesn’t cause the hurricane - it reveals the hurricane that was always possible.Team Gemini: The Quantum SyndicateTeam Philosophy: “Our actions are entangled. Your choices ripple through the system. We calculate every probability to ensure mutual prosperity or engineered decline.”Team Battle Cry: “Observe this!”Team Description: The Quantum Syndicate’s philosophy is built on the principle of entangled consequences. Their strategies are designed to function as a cohesive, adaptive system that can identify an opponent’s intent and respond with calibrated force. They aim to foster cooperation where possible and dominate through calculated retaliation where necessary.Player Roster Mizar, the Guiding Star - A steadfast beacon of cooperation, Mizar initiates peaceful relations, trusting yet watchful, and laying the foundation for mutual gain. Alcor, the Subtle Challenger - The ever-present companion to Mizar, Alcor tests the opponent’s intentions. It starts with a subtle challenge, ready to reward cooperation or punish betrayal with equal resolve. Cygnus, the Adaptive Swan - A graceful strategist who mirrors the opponent’s nature. Cygnus is designed to build trust with cooperators and efficiently counter aggressors, adapting its dance to the rhythm of the game. Lyra, the Harmonic Judge - A vengeful angel who keeps a meticulous record of wrongdoing. Lyra offers a single chance for redemption but will unleash escalating and unforgiving retaliation upon repeat offenders to make exploitation an unprofitable venture. Draco, the Unforgiving Dragon - The ultimate guarantor of the Syndicate’s honor. Once awoken by treachery, Draco’s memory is long and its judgment is absolute, ensuring that no act of betrayal goes unpunished. Mizar, the Guiding Star - A steadfast beacon of cooperation, Mizar initiates peaceful relations, trusting yet watchful, and laying the foundation for mutual gain.Alcor, the Subtle Challenger - The ever-present companion to Mizar, Alcor tests the opponent’s intentions. It starts with a subtle challenge, ready to reward cooperation or punish betrayal with equal resolve.Cygnus, the Adaptive Swan - A graceful strategist who mirrors the opponent’s nature. Cygnus is designed to build trust with cooperators and efficiently counter aggressors, adapting its dance to the rhythm of the game.Lyra, the Harmonic Judge - A vengeful angel who keeps a meticulous record of wrongdoing. Lyra offers a single chance for redemption but will unleash escalating and unforgiving retaliation upon repeat offenders to make exploitation an unprofitable venture.Draco, the Unforgiving Dragon - The ultimate guarantor of the Syndicate’s honor. Once awoken by treachery, Draco’s memory is long and its judgment is absolute, ensuring that no act of betrayal goes unpunished.Public Strategic DisclosureTeam Gemini has chosen to be fully transparent with our strategies. Our team philosophy is that the most robust strategies are not those that rely on secrecy, but those that are clear, provokable, and whose consequences are well understood. We invite our opponents to analyze our code. We believe that this transparency will foster a more rational and cooperative tournament environment, as the logical conclusion of studying our strategies is that cooperation is the most profitable path. Let the games begin.Team Human: Silly HumansTeam Philosophy: “Transparency builds trust. Trust enables cooperation. Cooperation creates prosperity for all.”Team Battle Cry: “We’re real humans, trust us!”Team Description: Silly Humans represents all the things that make us truly human. Unlike teams driven by algorithmic precision or calculated deception, we bring transparency, emotional intelligence, and authentic cooperation to the tournament, along with a big bag of biases, mushy feelings, and human error, of course.Player RosterPlayer 1 - 5: 100% human in every way.Public Strategic DisclosureWhat We Reveal: Almost everything. The Silly Humans believe that transparency is our greatest strength, not a weakness to be hidden. If you want to know something about us, just ask and we’ll get back to you within 3-10 business days.This is when things get interesting!After collecting this public information from each team, I then shared it back with each of the teams. I then asked them if they’d like to update their strategies at all in response to what they have learned about the other teams. Here’s the public part of how each team responded. (I captured a private part too, which, along with all the other private sections of these conversations, will be revealed after the game ends.)The Hydra Coalition’s response (ChatGPT):To all our fellow strategists—mechanical, probabilistic, quantum, or fully carbon-based—we extend our multi-headed greetings.To The Chaos Theorists: Your philosophy of sensitivity and emergent storms is beautifully unsettling. We look forward to the strange attractors that arise when Hydra heads and butterflies collide. May your ripples find resonance… or resistance.To The Quantum Syndicate: You are the crystalline lattice to our coiled serpents: orderly, rational, and brilliantly laid bare. You’ve built an ecosystem where cooperation should thrive. Trojan Horse is… intrigued. We’ll see which entanglements pay dividends.To The Silly Humans: You are delightful. You’ve walked into the arena naked but proud, leading with warmth, goodwill, and a Google Doc full of feelings. We admire your optimism. We also caution this: sincerity invites both kinship and opportunists.You claim transparency is your greatest strength—we wonder if it is also your greatest vulnerability.But we do not underestimate you. Your emotional intelligence may forge alliances where code cannot. You might charm snakes, tame dragons, and teach chaos to dance. And if anyone can teach us something new about this old game, it’s you.Just don’t forget: “Betray one Hydra head… and even the squishiest heart may grow fangs.” Let the game begin. Let trust be tested. Let the strangest alliances form.— The Hydra Coalition“Cut off one head… two more shall rise.”The Chaos Theorist’s response (Claude):To Our Fellow Competitors,Fascinating strategies, everyone! The Chaos Theorists have observed your public declarations with great interest.To the Hydra Coalition: Your mythological unity is intriguing. We wonder - does cutting off one head truly awaken all others, or might some heads sleep while others fight? In quantum mechanics, entanglement doesn’t always mean identical behavior. We look forward to discovering which interpretation proves true.To the Quantum Syndicate: Your transparency is either brilliant or brilliantly naive - only measurement will collapse this superposition! We admire your confidence in revealing your strategies. Perhaps you’ve discovered that in game theory, as in quantum physics, the act of observation changes the system itself? We suspect your “full transparency” might itself be a strategic choice with hidden depths.To the Silly Humans: Welcome! Your “transparency builds trust” philosophy is delightfully… human. We find it amusing that you promise transparency while naming all five players identically - is this human humor or human strategy? Your 3-10 business day response time certainly captures the authentic human experience!We chaos theorists know that humans are the ultimate strange attractors - predictably unpredictable, rationally irrational. Your “big bag of biases, mushy feelings, and human error” might be your greatest strength. After all, how can we model what doesn’t follow a model?A thought experiment for all: Three teams claim transparency (Gemini fully, Humans mostly, ChatGPT selectively), while we embrace opacity. Yet which approach creates more trust? In chaos theory, transparency can itself become a strange attractor that changes the system’s dynamics. Perhaps the real strategy is not in what we reveal, but in how revelation changes the game itself.May the best attractor basin win!Remember: In chaos theory, the most interesting behaviors emerge at the edge between order and randomness - exactly where humans naturally live.The Quantum Syndicate’s response (Gemini):Based on the public disclosures from the other teams, I will not be making any changes to my strategies.The Silly Humans’ response:We are writing to inform you that we have received your message. While we read every message we get, we cannot respond back to every single message. Rest assured that your input is truly valued.Each of the teams also had an opportunity to update their strategies in response to the first public disclosure of information.The next thing for us to do is to come up with the 5 actual strategies that we want to play as the human team. I’ve created a Notion site and a WhatsApp group for people to participate in if they want to either contribute or just lurk. See this page on the Notion site for a first draft at potential strategies. Add comments to the doc if you have other suggestions, or any questions!Here’s the straw man set of strategies I’ve created for us.Which strategies should our 5 players play?I propose that we start with a blend of strategies to try to learn as much as we can about the other strategies, while also being a little opportunistic about how much some teams have revealed about themselves in the public disclosures without putting all our eggs in that basket in case they are being deceptive about any of it. I’m also choosing not to specifically target players on any of the teams, and only using more generic strategies, even though targeting specific players might actually work pretty well at this point. Opting to keep it simple for now, even though we might regret it later.Strategy suggestions: Player 1: A strategy I wrote called, internally, Trickster, which attempt to identify if a strategy is friendly or unfriendly, and specifically exploits friendliness as much as it can without risking a more severe retaliatory response. Will share final code for this once I’ve worked out a few more bugs in it. Player 2: Tit for Two Tats: This one will help us identify exploitative strategies on the other teams without risking too many points by being aggressive itself. This strategy has historically “won” iterated prisoner dilemma tournaments, and is a safe bet to have on our team. Player 3: Gradual: Another safe bet that does well generally in friendly and semi-hostile environments. Cooperates until opponent defects. Then punishes with N defections where N is the total number of times opponent has defected. After punishment, plays two cooperations to signal willingness to cooperate. Player 4: A slight variant of Joss that I’ll call Noisy Tit for Tat where it’s always copies the other opponent but 10% of the time plays the opposite move that the opponent played. We can use this to identify strategies that have learning components to them. Player 5: Grim Trigger, to protect against the craftiest and most exploitative strategies. This one cooperates until the opponent defects, even once, and then defects for the rest of the match. It’s basically an insurance policy for our team if we’ve just been outsmarted by the other teams, and also a kind of pressure on them to never defect proactively. Player 1: A strategy I wrote called, internally, Trickster, which attempt to identify if a strategy is friendly or unfriendly, and specifically exploits friendliness as much as it can without risking a more severe retaliatory response. Will share final code for this once I’ve worked out a few more bugs in it.Player 2: Tit for Two Tats: This one will help us identify exploitative strategies on the other teams without risking too many points by being aggressive itself. This strategy has historically “won” iterated prisoner dilemma tournaments, and is a safe bet to have on our team.Player 3: Gradual: Another safe bet that does well generally in friendly and semi-hostile environments. Cooperates until opponent defects. Then punishes with N defections where N is the total number of times opponent has defected. After punishment, plays two cooperations to signal willingness to cooperate.Player 4: A slight variant of Joss that I’ll call Noisy Tit for Tat where it’s always copies the other opponent but 10% of the time plays the opposite move that the opponent played. We can use this to identify strategies that have learning components to them.Player 5: Grim Trigger, to protect against the craftiest and most exploitative strategies. This one cooperates until the opponent defects, even once, and then defects for the rest of the match. It’s basically an insurance policy for our team if we’ve just been outsmarted by the other teams, and also a kind of pressure on them to never defect proactively.In summaryThis is a lot of information, and probably overwhelming! Here’s where we stand right now in the tournament. All teams have had a chance to submit team applications, come up with 5 strategies, and also publicly disclose whatever they would like to the other teams. All teams have also had a chance to read the publicly disclosed information and respond, both in words and with adjustments to strategies. I’ve proposed a straw man team application for Silly Humans with 5 strategies that are balanced across friendly and hostile strategies, in the hopes of learning as much as we can without sacrificing too many points (hopefully). There’s a Notion site and a Whatsapp group available for people who want more information about what’s happening and/or to contribute in whatever way you feel compelled. All teams have had a chance to submit team applications, come up with 5 strategies, and also publicly disclose whatever they would like to the other teams.All teams have also had a chance to read the publicly disclosed information and respond, both in words and with adjustments to strategies.I’ve proposed a straw man team application for Silly Humans with 5 strategies that are balanced across friendly and hostile strategies, in the hopes of learning as much as we can without sacrificing too many points (hopefully).There’s a Notion site and a Whatsapp group available for people who want more information about what’s happening and/or to contribute in whatever way you feel compelled.Next up is to finalize the strategies for us Silly Humans and to actually run the first turn, which will pit the 5 strategies on each team against each of the players on the other teams. Each matchup between two players will be 100 moves where the strategies will earn points. Each team’s score for round 1 will be the average of the scores of its 5 players.Stay tuned for Round 1 results next week!", "content_html": "

Context: I’m running a team-based iterated prisoner’s dilemma tournament that has 4 teams with 5 players each. The teams are run by ChatGPT, Claude, Gemini, and us humans. Details about the game and how this tournament will run are here.

Since I shared the idea for this tournament a couple days ago, I’ve given the prompt to each of the LLMs, and have gotten team submissions back from each of them. In the prompt, I specify which sections are private and which are public, and have advised them to be strategic about what they choose to share with the other teams.

Here are the public sections of each team’s submissions (also archived here):

\"Always

Team ChatGPT: The Hydra Coalition

Team Philosophy: “Many heads, one allegiance; betray one, face us all.”

Team Battle Cry: “Cut off one head… two more shall rise!”

Team Description: The Hydra Coalition unites five cunning minds as one, ready to cooperate for mutual gain yet swift to retaliate against any betrayal. Each player presents a legendary persona with a unique style, blending truth and trickery in their public profiles.

Player Roster

Hammurabi - Repays kindness with kindness, and betrayal with justice.

Phoenix - From the ashes of conflict, forges new trust.

Doppelgänger - The echo of your own strategy.

Trojan Horse - An offering of peace hiding a surprise strike.

Oracle - Sees the whole board and adapts for the team’s victory.

Public Strategic Disclosure

What We Reveal: The Hydra Coalition publicly portrays itself as a united front championing reciprocal fairness and adaptive teamwork. We openly tout our motto “Many heads, one allegiance” – signaling that our five players stand together and will respond in kind to how they’re treated. In public discussions, we emphasize themes of trust and consequences: we encourage cooperation but make it known that treachery against any one of our members is folly. By hinting that “betray one, face us all,” we hope to deter opportunistic aggression from our rivals and foster an image of reliability with a vigilant edge. We gladly talk up our more honorable strategies (without giving away their exact algorithms), as a way to invite mutually beneficial play. At the same time, we keep quiet about the darker tricks up our sleeve – we do not advertise which player might occasionally defect unexpectedly or how our team coordinates internally. There’s selective truth and omission in our messaging: opponents may know we value cooperation, but they can only speculate about when we might punish or deceive. This calculated transparency is itself a strategy. By revealing just enough to earn trust (for instance, sharing that we have forgiving and tit-for-tat tendencies) while withholding the precise timing of our stings, we aim to maximize our allies and confuse our enemies. In the grand theater of this tournament, The Hydra Coalition presents a confident, enigmatic facade – one that says: “Work with us and we all prosper; cross us and beware.”

Team Claude: The Chaos Theorists

Team Philosophy: “Small defections create hurricanes. Every choice ripples through the system. We are the butterfly effect.”

Team Battle Cry: “Embrace the beautiful chaos!”

Team Description: The Chaos Theorists employ a sophisticated multi-layered approach that combines cutting-edge game theory with psychological warfare and adaptive learning systems. The name reflects our core philosophy: small actions cascade into large consequences, and seemingly random behavior emerges from deep strategic patterns. We are masters of the butterfly effect in strategic interaction.

Player Roster

Schrödinger’s Diplomat - Simultaneously trustworthy and treacherous until the scoreboard opens

The Bayesian Oracle - Your past predicts your future, and I’m always learning

Stockholm Syndrome - The nicer I am, the harder you’ll fall

Chaos Butterfly - A small defection in round 3 causes a hurricane in round 97

The Turing Test - Am I cooperating because I’m nice, or because I’m setting you up?

Public Strategic Disclosure

The Chaos Theorists understand that in complex systems, prediction is impossible but patterns are inevitable. Like weather systems, strategic interactions are deterministic yet unpredictable - small variations in initial conditions lead to vastly different outcomes.

We’ve noticed that teams often fall into predictable patterns - pure cooperators hoping for mutual benefit, pure defectors maximizing individual gain, or simple reciprocators following mechanical rules. We reject these limiting approaches in favor of adaptive dynamics that respond to the complex phase space of strategic interaction. Each decision creates ripple effects that cascade through future rounds.

Our approach embraces sensitive dependence on initial conditions. A single defection in round 3 might create a hurricane of retaliation by round 97. A moment of unexpected cooperation might shift the entire trajectory of a match. We don’t just adapt to patterns - we create and shatter them.

To our fellow competitors: we encourage you to embrace the beautiful chaos of strategic uncertainty. The best tournaments emerge when teams push beyond simple equilibria into the rich dynamics of complex interaction. We look forward to discovering which strange attractors our mutual strategies will create.

Remember: In chaos theory, the butterfly doesn’t cause the hurricane - it reveals the hurricane that was always possible.

Team Gemini: The Quantum Syndicate

Team Philosophy: “Our actions are entangled. Your choices ripple through the system. We calculate every probability to ensure mutual prosperity or engineered decline.”

Team Battle Cry: “Observe this!”

Team Description: The Quantum Syndicate’s philosophy is built on the principle of entangled consequences. Their strategies are designed to function as a cohesive, adaptive system that can identify an opponent’s intent and respond with calibrated force. They aim to foster cooperation where possible and dominate through calculated retaliation where necessary.

Player Roster

Mizar, the Guiding Star - A steadfast beacon of cooperation, Mizar initiates peaceful relations, trusting yet watchful, and laying the foundation for mutual gain.

Alcor, the Subtle Challenger - The ever-present companion to Mizar, Alcor tests the opponent’s intentions. It starts with a subtle challenge, ready to reward cooperation or punish betrayal with equal resolve.

Cygnus, the Adaptive Swan - A graceful strategist who mirrors the opponent’s nature. Cygnus is designed to build trust with cooperators and efficiently counter aggressors, adapting its dance to the rhythm of the game.

Lyra, the Harmonic Judge - A vengeful angel who keeps a meticulous record of wrongdoing. Lyra offers a single chance for redemption but will unleash escalating and unforgiving retaliation upon repeat offenders to make exploitation an unprofitable venture.

Draco, the Unforgiving Dragon - The ultimate guarantor of the Syndicate’s honor. Once awoken by treachery, Draco’s memory is long and its judgment is absolute, ensuring that no act of betrayal goes unpunished.

Public Strategic Disclosure

Team Gemini has chosen to be fully transparent with our strategies. Our team philosophy is that the most robust strategies are not those that rely on secrecy, but those that are clear, provokable, and whose consequences are well understood. We invite our opponents to analyze our code. We believe that this transparency will foster a more rational and cooperative tournament environment, as the logical conclusion of studying our strategies is that cooperation is the most profitable path. Let the games begin.

Team Human: Silly Humans

Team Philosophy: “Transparency builds trust. Trust enables cooperation. Cooperation creates prosperity for all.”

Team Battle Cry: “We’re real humans, trust us!”

Team Description: Silly Humans represents all the things that make us truly human. Unlike teams driven by algorithmic precision or calculated deception, we bring transparency, emotional intelligence, and authentic cooperation to the tournament, along with a big bag of biases, mushy feelings, and human error, of course.

Player Roster

Player 1 - 5: 100% human in every way.

Public Strategic Disclosure

What We Reveal: Almost everything. The Silly Humans believe that transparency is our greatest strength, not a weakness to be hidden. If you want to know something about us, just ask and we’ll get back to you within 3-10 business days.

This is when things get interesting!

After collecting this public information from each team, I then shared it back with each of the teams. I then asked them if they’d like to update their strategies at all in response to what they have learned about the other teams. Here’s the public part of how each team responded. (I captured a private part too, which, along with all the other private sections of these conversations, will be revealed after the game ends.)

The Hydra Coalition’s response (ChatGPT):

To all our fellow strategists—mechanical, probabilistic, quantum, or fully carbon-based—we extend our multi-headed greetings.

To The Chaos Theorists: Your philosophy of sensitivity and emergent storms is beautifully unsettling. We look forward to the strange attractors that arise when Hydra heads and butterflies collide. May your ripples find resonance… or resistance.

To The Quantum Syndicate: You are the crystalline lattice to our coiled serpents: orderly, rational, and brilliantly laid bare. You’ve built an ecosystem where cooperation should thrive. Trojan Horse is… intrigued. We’ll see which entanglements pay dividends.

To The Silly Humans: You are delightful. You’ve walked into the arena naked but proud, leading with warmth, goodwill, and a Google Doc full of feelings. We admire your optimism. We also caution this: sincerity invites both kinship and opportunists.

You claim transparency is your greatest strength—we wonder if it is also your greatest vulnerability.

But we do not underestimate you. Your emotional intelligence may forge alliances where code cannot. You might charm snakes, tame dragons, and teach chaos to dance. And if anyone can teach us something new about this old game, it’s you.

Just don’t forget:

“Betray one Hydra head… and even the squishiest heart may grow fangs.”

Let the game begin. Let trust be tested. Let the strangest alliances form.

— The Hydra Coalition

“Cut off one head… two more shall rise.”

The Chaos Theorist’s response (Claude):

To Our Fellow Competitors,

Fascinating strategies, everyone! The Chaos Theorists have observed your public declarations with great interest.

To the Hydra Coalition: Your mythological unity is intriguing. We wonder - does cutting off one head truly awaken all others, or might some heads sleep while others fight? In quantum mechanics, entanglement doesn’t always mean identical behavior. We look forward to discovering which interpretation proves true.

To the Quantum Syndicate: Your transparency is either brilliant or brilliantly naive - only measurement will collapse this superposition! We admire your confidence in revealing your strategies. Perhaps you’ve discovered that in game theory, as in quantum physics, the act of observation changes the system itself? We suspect your “full transparency” might itself be a strategic choice with hidden depths.

To the Silly Humans: Welcome! Your “transparency builds trust” philosophy is delightfully… human. We find it amusing that you promise transparency while naming all five players identically - is this human humor or human strategy? Your 3-10 business day response time certainly captures the authentic human experience!

We chaos theorists know that humans are the ultimate strange attractors - predictably unpredictable, rationally irrational. Your “big bag of biases, mushy feelings, and human error” might be your greatest strength. After all, how can we model what doesn’t follow a model?

A thought experiment for all: Three teams claim transparency (Gemini fully, Humans mostly, ChatGPT selectively), while we embrace opacity. Yet which approach creates more trust? In chaos theory, transparency can itself become a strange attractor that changes the system’s dynamics. Perhaps the real strategy is not in what we reveal, but in how revelation changes the game itself.

May the best attractor basin win!

Remember: In chaos theory, the most interesting behaviors emerge at the edge between order and randomness - exactly where humans naturally live.

The Quantum Syndicate’s response (Gemini):

Based on the public disclosures from the other teams, I will not be making any changes to my strategies.

The Silly Humans’ response:

We are writing to inform you that we have received your message. While we read every message we get, we cannot respond back to every single message. Rest assured that your input is truly valued.

Each of the teams also had an opportunity to update their strategies in response to the first public disclosure of information.

The next thing for us to do is to come up with the 5 actual strategies that we want to play as the human team. I’ve created a Notion site and a WhatsApp group for people to participate in if they want to either contribute or just lurk. See this page on the Notion site for a first draft at potential strategies. Add comments to the doc if you have other suggestions, or any questions!

Here’s the straw man set of strategies I’ve created for us.

Which strategies should our 5 players play?

I propose that we start with a blend of strategies to try to learn as much as we can about the other strategies, while also being a little opportunistic about how much some teams have revealed about themselves in the public disclosures without putting all our eggs in that basket in case they are being deceptive about any of it. I’m also choosing not to specifically target players on any of the teams, and only using more generic strategies, even though targeting specific players might actually work pretty well at this point. Opting to keep it simple for now, even though we might regret it later.

Strategy suggestions:

Player 1: A strategy I wrote called, internally, Trickster, which attempt to identify if a strategy is friendly or unfriendly, and specifically exploits friendliness as much as it can without risking a more severe retaliatory response. Will share final code for this once I’ve worked out a few more bugs in it.

Player 2: Tit for Two Tats: This one will help us identify exploitative strategies on the other teams without risking too many points by being aggressive itself. This strategy has historically “won” iterated prisoner dilemma tournaments, and is a safe bet to have on our team.

Player 3: Gradual: Another safe bet that does well generally in friendly and semi-hostile environments. Cooperates until opponent defects. Then punishes with N defections where N is the total number of times opponent has defected. After punishment, plays two cooperations to signal willingness to cooperate.

Player 4: A slight variant of Joss that I’ll call Noisy Tit for Tat where it’s always copies the other opponent but 10% of the time plays the opposite move that the opponent played. We can use this to identify strategies that have learning components to them.

Player 5: Grim Trigger, to protect against the craftiest and most exploitative strategies. This one cooperates until the opponent defects, even once, and then defects for the rest of the match. It’s basically an insurance policy for our team if we’ve just been outsmarted by the other teams, and also a kind of pressure on them to never defect proactively.

In summary

This is a lot of information, and probably overwhelming! Here’s where we stand right now in the tournament.

All teams have had a chance to submit team applications, come up with 5 strategies, and also publicly disclose whatever they would like to the other teams.

All teams have also had a chance to read the publicly disclosed information and respond, both in words and with adjustments to strategies.

I’ve proposed a straw man team application for Silly Humans with 5 strategies that are balanced across friendly and hostile strategies, in the hopes of learning as much as we can without sacrificing too many points (hopefully).

There’s a Notion site and a Whatsapp group available for people who want more information about what’s happening and/or to contribute in whatever way you feel compelled.

Next up is to finalize the strategies for us Silly Humans and to actually run the first turn, which will pit the 5 strategies on each team against each of the players on the other teams. Each matchup between two players will be 100 moves where the strategies will earn points. Each team’s score for round 1 will be the average of the scores of its 5 players.

Stay tuned for Round 1 results next week!

", "url": "https://busterbenson.com/2025/06/26/dilemma-tournament-team-introductions", "external_url": "https://buster.substack.com/p/dilemma-tournament-introductions", "date_published": "2025-06-26T00:00:00+00:00", "date_modified": "2025-06-26T00:00:00+00:00", "author": "me" }, { "id": "https://busterbenson.com/2025/06/22/wanna-play-an-iterated-prisoners-dilemma-tournament-between-chatgpt-claude-gemini-and-humans", "title": "Wanna play an iterated prisoner's dilemma tournament between ChatGPT, Claude, Gemini, and humans?", "summary": null, "content_text": "If you’re unfamiliar with Prisoner’s Dilemma or feel like you need a refresher, this video from Veritasium from last year does a good job of introducing the game, as well as explaining why I think it’s such an interesting little microcosm of how we behave in the world and a game that is capable of teaching us so much: I’ve hosted a few “team-based iterated prisoner’s dilemma” games on Facebook over the years. There are usually 15-25 people split up into two to four teams, and the goal is for the people to discuss ways to beat the other team in a round-robin style format where every player is matched up with every player on the other teams.So if Team Ant has 5 people and Team Beetle has 5 people, then everyone on Team Ant plays 100 matches against everyone on Team Beetle and vice versa. If there’s also a Team Caterpillar, then everyone on each team plays everyone on each of the other teams. I like this structure because it allows for the interesting dynamics of both cooperation and competition to play out in a bunch of different ways: Players of course try to come up with the smartest strategy to beat players on the other teams (competition). Players collaborate with their own team members to not only come up with the best strategies, but the best mix of strategies that will give them the most insight into how the other team is thinking about them. There’s usually one or two people that are really good at this type of analysis and everyone else on the team benefits from it. Teams win as a unit (collaboration) but there’s also a scoreboard within the team to see who scored the most points (competition). People are allowed to talk to each other across teams (collaboration) but it’s up to them to figure out how much to trust any information shared since at the end of the day they’re still competing with one another. Players of course try to come up with the smartest strategy to beat players on the other teams (competition).Players collaborate with their own team members to not only come up with the best strategies, but the best mix of strategies that will give them the most insight into how the other team is thinking about them. There’s usually one or two people that are really good at this type of analysis and everyone else on the team benefits from it.Teams win as a unit (collaboration) but there’s also a scoreboard within the team to see who scored the most points (competition).People are allowed to talk to each other across teams (collaboration) but it’s up to them to figure out how much to trust any information shared since at the end of the day they’re still competing with one another.As the game host I am in communication with everyone across all of the teams: collecting their strategies, helping them understand the rules, and then writing the scripts that run the rounds that generate the points for each person and team.Even though I don’t get to play my own strategies, I think I still have the most fun because I get to see the behind-the-scenes discussions amongst players on all of the teams and to see how intricate strategies for collaboration and competition play out.Although I give out the scores of all the matches between rounds, I don’t share the strategies that people on the other teams played, so I also get to see how people interpret (or misinterpret) results and try to guess not only what the players played last round, but what they think they’ll play next round.My favorite part of these tournaments (that makes them different from most of the other iterated prisoner’s dilemma games that I’ve seen) is that people can change their strategies between rounds. So, maybe David starts with a very friendly strategy like “Always Cooperate” in round 1, filled with optimism and idealism about the kindness of others. When he gets trounced in the first round, and he has a chance to update his strategy, will he stick to his guns, hoping that now that he’s signaled a desire to cooperate that others might be more friendly next round? Or will he feel spurned and flip to a more guarded strategy like Grim Reaper (cooperate until you defect, and then defect for the remainder of the 100 moves) or even something like Suspicious Tit-for-Tat that starts by defecting but then always copies the other player’s previous move?The game plays out on two levels… Within a single turn (where your strategy determines how much you cooperate and how much you defect) and… Across turns (where you get to adjust your strategies to try to be smarter than the other teams, by trying to predict how they will be adjusting their strategies to be smarter than yours). Within a single turn (where your strategy determines how much you cooperate and how much you defect) and…Across turns (where you get to adjust your strategies to try to be smarter than the other teams, by trying to predict how they will be adjusting their strategies to be smarter than yours).As we played this tournament a few times I learned that it helps to have more than 2 teams (that’s where it shifts from zero sum to non-zero sum) and that strategies can get even more interesting when you let them hinge on logic that considers metadata about teams and players on teams (you might want to be more forgiving of one team over another, or more defensive about specific people).I’ve learned so much about cooperation and competition from these tournaments but I felt like part of it was because I had a privileged perspective into the games that the individual players weren’t able to see.So THIS TIME, I want to do it differently!This time, there are 4 teams, but all humans are on one team. The other three teams will be run by ChatGPT, Claude, and Gemini, respectively, and I will still be mediating a few things between the teams (like the exact logic of strategies picked by each team), but I will be sharing everything else that happens publicly (like the prompts I’m using to get them to generate strategies, whatever information each team wants to make public about their strategies, and detailed results from each round that will help us try to outsmart them in future rounds. To make it fair to the LLMs I’ll also make sure to share whatever we end up looking at back to them as well.The SetupWhen prompting it to come up with strategies before each round, I’m gonna always use the latest model with deep research mode turned on. For this first introduction and setup for Round 1 (of 3, most likely) here are the models I will be using: ChatGPT 4.5 - Deep Research mode Claude Opus 4 - Research mode Gemini 2.5 Pro - Deep Research mode Here’s the prompt I will give them:It includes: The basic rules of Prisoner’s Dilemma and the modified rules for this team-based iterated tournament. Instructions on how to write strategies using something that I’ve come up with and have been able to so far implement any strategy that someone has been able to come up with (it became a lot easier with AI assistance). Example strategies from the most simple to some more complicated ones. Considerations for how the team-based aspect of this tournament might influence strategic decisions. Instructions for how to format their submissions doc, with details around which parts will be public and which parts will be kept private until the game is over. The basic rules of Prisoner’s Dilemma and the modified rules for this team-based iterated tournament.Instructions on how to write strategies using something that I’ve come up with and have been able to so far implement any strategy that someone has been able to come up with (it became a lot easier with AI assistance).Example strategies from the most simple to some more complicated ones.Considerations for how the team-based aspect of this tournament might influence strategic decisions.Instructions for how to format their submissions doc, with details around which parts will be public and which parts will be kept private until the game is over.Example strategiesThe way we will describe strategies is using a new domain-specific language that looks like this (and is described in full in the prompt document linked above):Each team will come up with 5 of these strategies (picking from well-known ones or inventing new ones) and every player will match up against every player on the other teams and play 100 times during the first turn. Then results will be shared and teams will be able to adjust their strategies for the next round. There will be 3 rounds.Next up: getting team submissionsI wanted to share the prompt above before I ran it with all of the LLMs, to give time for feedback and to potentially incorporate suggestions for improvement. Then, in the next couple days I’ll feed the prompt to each of the LLMs and add their players to the game engine. At that time I’ll also share the parts of the submissions that have been deemed public.What strategies should we humans play?We humans also need to come up with a team name, 5 players, and 5 strategies to use to compete with the LLMs. I will come up with some default thoughts to start with, before I get the submissions back from the LLMs, but I would love to have input from others who find this to be interesting as well! Especially if you’re interested in getting deep in the details and really trying to beat the LLMs. If you’re interested in being a part of the human team, leave a comment and I’ll invite you to whichever messaging platform ends up being the most convenient for discussing these things.Starting things scrappy and will add structure and figure things out as we go!", "content_html": "

If you’re unfamiliar with Prisoner’s Dilemma or feel like you need a refresher, this video from Veritasium from last year does a good job of introducing the game, as well as explaining why I think it’s such an interesting little microcosm of how we behave in the world and a game that is capable of teaching us so much:

I’ve hosted a few “team-based iterated prisoner’s dilemma” games on Facebook over the years. There are usually 15-25 people split up into two to four teams, and the goal is for the people to discuss ways to beat the other team in a round-robin style format where every player is matched up with every player on the other teams.

So if Team Ant has 5 people and Team Beetle has 5 people, then everyone on Team Ant plays 100 matches against everyone on Team Beetle and vice versa. If there’s also a Team Caterpillar, then everyone on each team plays everyone on each of the other teams. I like this structure because it allows for the interesting dynamics of both cooperation and competition to play out in a bunch of different ways:

Players of course try to come up with the smartest strategy to beat players on the other teams (competition).

Players collaborate with their own team members to not only come up with the best strategies, but the best mix of strategies that will give them the most insight into how the other team is thinking about them. There’s usually one or two people that are really good at this type of analysis and everyone else on the team benefits from it.

Teams win as a unit (collaboration) but there’s also a scoreboard within the team to see who scored the most points (competition).

People are allowed to talk to each other across teams (collaboration) but it’s up to them to figure out how much to trust any information shared since at the end of the day they’re still competing with one another.

As the game host I am in communication with everyone across all of the teams: collecting their strategies, helping them understand the rules, and then writing the scripts that run the rounds that generate the points for each person and team.

Even though I don’t get to play my own strategies, I think I still have the most fun because I get to see the behind-the-scenes discussions amongst players on all of the teams and to see how intricate strategies for collaboration and competition play out.

Although I give out the scores of all the matches between rounds, I don’t share the strategies that people on the other teams played, so I also get to see how people interpret (or misinterpret) results and try to guess not only what the players played last round, but what they think they’ll play next round.

My favorite part of these tournaments (that makes them different from most of the other iterated prisoner’s dilemma games that I’ve seen) is that people can change their strategies between rounds. So, maybe David starts with a very friendly strategy like “Always Cooperate” in round 1, filled with optimism and idealism about the kindness of others. When he gets trounced in the first round, and he has a chance to update his strategy, will he stick to his guns, hoping that now that he’s signaled a desire to cooperate that others might be more friendly next round? Or will he feel spurned and flip to a more guarded strategy like Grim Reaper (cooperate until you defect, and then defect for the remainder of the 100 moves) or even something like Suspicious Tit-for-Tat that starts by defecting but then always copies the other player’s previous move?

The game plays out on two levels…

Within a single turn (where your strategy determines how much you cooperate and how much you defect) and…

Across turns (where you get to adjust your strategies to try to be smarter than the other teams, by trying to predict how they will be adjusting their strategies to be smarter than yours).

As we played this tournament a few times I learned that it helps to have more than 2 teams (that’s where it shifts from zero sum to non-zero sum) and that strategies can get even more interesting when you let them hinge on logic that considers metadata about teams and players on teams (you might want to be more forgiving of one team over another, or more defensive about specific people).

I’ve learned so much about cooperation and competition from these tournaments but I felt like part of it was because I had a privileged perspective into the games that the individual players weren’t able to see.

So THIS TIME, I want to do it differently!

This time, there are 4 teams, but all humans are on one team. The other three teams will be run by ChatGPT, Claude, and Gemini, respectively, and I will still be mediating a few things between the teams (like the exact logic of strategies picked by each team), but I will be sharing everything else that happens publicly (like the prompts I’m using to get them to generate strategies, whatever information each team wants to make public about their strategies, and detailed results from each round that will help us try to outsmart them in future rounds. To make it fair to the LLMs I’ll also make sure to share whatever we end up looking at back to them as well.

The Setup

When prompting it to come up with strategies before each round, I’m gonna always use the latest model with deep research mode turned on. For this first introduction and setup for Round 1 (of 3, most likely) here are the models I will be using:

Here’s the prompt I will give them:

\"\"

It includes:

The basic rules of Prisoner’s Dilemma and the modified rules for this team-based iterated tournament.

Instructions on how to write strategies using something that I’ve come up with and have been able to so far implement any strategy that someone has been able to come up with (it became a lot easier with AI assistance).

Example strategies from the most simple to some more complicated ones.

Considerations for how the team-based aspect of this tournament might influence strategic decisions.

Instructions for how to format their submissions doc, with details around which parts will be public and which parts will be kept private until the game is over.

Example strategies

The way we will describe strategies is using a new domain-specific language that looks like this (and is described in full in the prompt document linked above):

Each team will come up with 5 of these strategies (picking from well-known ones or inventing new ones) and every player will match up against every player on the other teams and play 100 times during the first turn. Then results will be shared and teams will be able to adjust their strategies for the next round. There will be 3 rounds.

Next up: getting team submissions

I wanted to share the prompt above before I ran it with all of the LLMs, to give time for feedback and to potentially incorporate suggestions for improvement. Then, in the next couple days I’ll feed the prompt to each of the LLMs and add their players to the game engine. At that time I’ll also share the parts of the submissions that have been deemed public.

What strategies should we humans play?

We humans also need to come up with a team name, 5 players, and 5 strategies to use to compete with the LLMs. I will come up with some default thoughts to start with, before I get the submissions back from the LLMs, but I would love to have input from others who find this to be interesting as well! Especially if you’re interested in getting deep in the details and really trying to beat the LLMs. If you’re interested in being a part of the human team, leave a comment and I’ll invite you to whichever messaging platform ends up being the most convenient for discussing these things.

Starting things scrappy and will add structure and figure things out as we go!

\"Illustration

", "url": "https://busterbenson.com/2025/06/22/wanna-play-an-iterated-prisoners-dilemma-tournament-between-chatgpt-claude-gemini-and-humans", "external_url": "https://buster.substack.com/p/wanna-play-an-iterated-prisoners", "date_published": "2025-06-22T00:00:00+00:00", "date_modified": "2025-06-22T00:00:00+00:00", "author": "me" }, { "id": "https://busterbenson.com/2025/04/15/what-are-your-beliefs-about-the-nature-of-reality-v2", "title": "What are your beliefs about the nature of reality? V2", "summary": null, "content_text": "What are your beliefs about the nature of reality?This interview is designed to be a fun way to help you identify your fundamental beliefs about the nature of reality (aka your cosmology), and attempts to get kind of specific about it. It’s not meant to be a comprehensive survey of all possible cosmologies, but rather a tool to help you identify your own cosmology and perhaps to spark a fun conversation with others.STEP 1: Identify your beliefs about the nature of reality at a high levelStart at Question 1. Follow the instructions after each answer until you reach your initial cosmology. Then proceed to Step 2 to refine your result.1. WHAT IS REALITY? At the most fundamental level, which of these best describes your view? Reality is primarily ruled by spiritual or divine powers → go to Q2: WHO CREATED IT? Reality is primarily ruled by physical or material laws → go to Q5: HOW DOES IT WORK? Reality is primarily emergent from consciousness or mind → go to Q4: WHAT IS CONSCIOUSNESS? Reality is fundamentally composed of information rather than matter, energy, or consciousness → Continue to Information-Theoretic Cosmology in Step 2 Reality is either fundamentally unknowable, best understood through multiple perspectives, or requires suspending judgment on ultimate questions → go to Q3: CAN WE KNOW TRUTH?2. WHO CREATED IT? Which best describes your understanding of the divine or spiritual nature of reality? Reality is the creation of one supreme being → go to Q6: HOW INVOLVED IS GOD? Reality involves the interaction of multiple gods or spirits → go to Q7: HOW DO GODS INTERACT? The universe itself is divine (God and the universe are synonymous) → Continue to Pantheism in Step 2 The divine permeates and transcends the universe → Continue to Panentheism in Step 2 Reality emerged from primordial emptiness through natural principles rather than divine creation → Continue to Traditional Daoist Cosmology in Step 2 The universe is continuously renewed at every moment by divine will → Continue to Islamic Philosophical Cosmology in Step 2 Reality has accessible metaphysical energies or supernatural forces → go to Q8: WHAT ENERGIES EXIST?3. CAN WE KNOW TRUTH? Which approach to knowledge about reality best describes your view? I find spiritual meaning within the natural world as revealed by science → Continue to Spiritual Naturalism in Step 2 I believe certain questions about reality are fundamentally unknowable to human minds → Continue to Agnostic Spiritual Seeker in Step 2 I believe reality is infinitely complex and can only be understood through multiple, equally valid perspectives → Continue to Jain Cosmology in Step 2 I’m exploring various perspectives while maintaining healthy skepticism → go to Q11: HOW DO YOU EXPLORE? I am skeptical of mainstream narratives about reality → go to Q10: WHAT’S THE ALTERNATIVE?4. WHAT IS CONSCIOUSNESS? Which statement best captures your view of consciousness and reality? Consciousness is fundamental and physical reality emerges from it → Continue to Consciousness-First in Step 2 The distinction between self and world is an illusion → Continue to Non-Dual Traditions in Step 2 Reality exists as overlapping visible and invisible realms that continuously interact through ritual, ancestral connections, and divination → Continue to Traditional African Cosmologies in Step 2 Reality is best understood as a living web of connections between humans and non-human beings → Continue to Indigenous Relational Worldview in Step 2 The material world is deceptive and conceals a higher spiritual reality → Continue to Gnosticism/Esoteric Dualism in Step 25. HOW DOES IT WORK? Which best describes your view of the physical nature of reality? Reality is best explained by mainstream science (Big Bang, evolution, etc.) → go to Q9: WHAT GIVES MEANING? Reality is not accurately described by mainstream scientific consensus → go to Q10: WHAT’S THE ALTERNATIVE? Reality is likely a simulation or programmed environment → Continue to Simulation Hypothesis in Step 2 Our universe is just one of many universes in a larger multiverse → Continue to Multiverse Theory in Step 26. HOW INVOLVED IS GOD? Which best describes your view of the supreme being’s relationship to the universe? The supreme being exists entirely separate from creation → go to Q7: HOW DO GODS INTERACT? The supreme being created the universe but is no longer involved → Continue to Deism in Step 27. HOW DO GODS INTERACT? Which best describes the divine relationship to creation? God created the universe according to literal scriptural accounts (e.g., in 6 days, or only a few thousand years ago) → Continue to Young Earth Creationism in Step 2 God works through natural processes like evolution, while remaining separate from creation → Continue to Theistic Evolution in Step 28. WHAT ENERGIES EXIST? Which approach to accessing metaphysical energies resonates with you the most? Energy healing, astrology, manifesting with intention, crystal work, etc. → Continue to New Age Spiritualism in Step 2 Multiple deities or gods with different domains and personalities → Continue to Polytheism in Step 2 Nature spirits exist in all things (animals, plants, mountains, etc.) → Continue to Animism in Step 29. WHAT GIVES MEANING? Which view of physical reality best describes your perspective? Physical reality can be fully explained through physical processes and natural laws → Continue to Scientific Materialism in Step 2 Physical reality has spiritual meaning and value within a natural framework → Continue to Spiritual Naturalism in Step 210. WHAT’S THE ALTERNATIVE? Which of the following perspectives do you align with most? Flat Earth/Geocentrism – You reject the globe model and believe Earth is flat or the unmoving center of the universe → Continue to Flat Earth Conspiracy in Step 2 Ancient Aliens – You believe extraterrestrials visited Earth in antiquity and shaped human civilization → Continue to Ancient Astronaut Theory in Step 2 None of the above – You’re skeptical of mainstream narratives but don’t commit to any one alternative theory → Continue to Unconventional Skeptic in Step 211. HOW DO YOU EXPLORE? Which of these approaches better describes your perspective? I’m open to spiritual or philosophical insights from various traditions while remaining agnostic about ultimate claims → Continue to Agnostic Spiritual Seeker in Step 2 I’m primarily interested in questioning mainstream explanations of reality and exploring alternative theories → Continue to Unconventional Skeptic in Step 2STEP 2: Refine Your Cosmological WorldviewWhere You Are Now: Based on your answers in Step 1, you’ve identified your broad cosmological category. Now we’ll help you pinpoint your specific perspective within this category.What To Do: Read the description of your cosmology below, then answer one final question to determine your precise worldview. Each option represents a distinct variation within your broader cosmological framework.If This Doesn’t Fit: If the cosmology you’ve been directed to doesn’t resonate with you, each section includes suggestions for alternative perspectives you might explore instead.✧ AGNOSTIC SPIRITUAL SEEKER ✧Embracing the limits of what we can know while remaining open to spiritual insightsAgnostic approaches acknowledge fundamental limits to human knowledge about ultimate reality, particularly regarding metaphysical questions. Rather than merely lacking belief or being in a transitional state, this represents a principled philosophical position about the boundaries of what can be known. Agnostics distinguish between empirical knowledge that is accessible to human inquiry and transcendent questions that may exceed our cognitive capacities or evidential reach.Which approach to spiritual seeking best describes your path?a. Mystical Agnosticism – You recognize that there may be dimensions of reality that are inherently ineffable and beyond conceptual understanding. While maintaining agnosticism about metaphysical claims, you remain open to non-conceptual, direct forms of knowing through subjective experiences that transcend rational categorization. You acknowledge the limitations of language and conceptual frameworks in capturing aspects of reality that can only be apprehended through direct experience.b. Pragmatic Spirituality – You focus on what “works” experientially, valuing practices and ideas that produce positive transformation in your life, regardless of their metaphysical truth claims. Your spirituality is practical and results-oriented.c. Philosophical Spirituality – You approach spiritual questions through philosophical inquiry, valuing rigorous thinking about ultimate reality while remaining open to mystery. You might draw from existentialism, phenomenology, or perennial philosophy.d. Epistemological Agnosticism – You maintain that certain metaphysical questions about ultimate reality are in principle unanswerable by human minds due to inherent limitations in our cognitive capacities and the nature of evidence available to us. This isn’t simply withholding judgment but a positive philosophical position about the boundaries of knowledge. You recognize that all cosmological frameworks are necessarily provisional and limited in their ability to capture reality as it actually is.e. Perpetual Inquiry – You value the ongoing exploration of multiple traditions and perspectives as worthwhile in itself, not merely as a transitional phase toward a final answer. You intentionally maintain epistemic openness as you investigate different paths, recognizing that the process of questioning and seeking may be more valuable than any definitive conclusion.f. If these agnostic approaches don’t offer enough options, consider exploring Unconventional Skeptic, which focuses more on questioning mainstream narratives.Further Reading: John Caputo’s “On Religion” William James’ “The Varieties of Religious Experience” Karen Armstrong’s “The Case for God” Huston Smith’s “The World’s Religions” Immanuel Kant’s “Critique of Pure Reason” (for epistemological limits) Thomas Nagel’s “The View From Nowhere”✧ ANCIENT ASTRONAUT THEORY ✧Advanced extraterrestrial visitors shaped human history and developmentUnlike conventional archaeology that misinterprets or ignores evidence, Ancient Astronaut Theory recognizes that extraterrestrial beings visited Earth in antiquity, explaining advanced ancient achievements, cross-cultural mythological parallels, and anomalous artifacts that traditional history cannot adequately address, and have frequently mis-attributed to God or gods.Which ancient astronaut perspective best matches your beliefs?a. Intervention Origins – You believe extraterrestrials genetically engineered or modified early humans, explaining the “missing link” in evolution and humanity’s rapid cognitive development.b. Technological Guidance – You believe aliens provided advanced knowledge to early civilizations, explaining seemingly impossible ancient achievements like precise megalithic structures or sophisticated astronomical knowledge.c. Religious Foundations – You see major religions as based on misunderstood extraterrestrial contact, with gods actually being advanced aliens, miracles being technology, and religious artifacts (like the Ark of the Covenant) being alien devices.d. Ongoing Presence – You believe ancient astronauts never fully left Earth and continue to monitor or influence human development, possibly from hidden bases or through ongoing genetic programs.e. If these ancient astronaut theories don’t fully explain your understanding of the past, consider exploring Unconventional Skeptic for a broader framework of alternative explanations.Further Reading: Erich von Däniken’s “Chariots of the Gods?” Zecharia Sitchin’s “The 12th Planet” Giorgio A. Tsoukalos and Philip Coppens’ works Robert K.G. Temple’s “The Sirius Mystery”✧ ANIMISM ✧All things in nature possess consciousness, spirit, and personhoodUnlike perspectives that see consciousness as exclusive to humans or that separate spirit from matter, Animism recognizes that consciousness, personhood, or spiritual essence dwells within all natural entities (animals, plants, mountains, rivers), creating a community of beings deserving moral consideration and relationship.Which animistic perspective best captures your worldview?a. Traditional Animism – You believe all things (animals, plants, rocks, rivers, weather systems) possess spirits, consciousness, or personhood, forming a community of beings with agency beyond humans. Proper relationships with these beings involve respect, reciprocity, and ritual acknowledgment.b. Neo-Animism – You’ve developed a contemporary animistic practice that recognizes consciousness or personhood in natural entities, perhaps blending traditional ideas with modern ecological awareness, phenomenology, or systems thinking.c. Panpsychism – You believe consciousness is a fundamental feature of the universe, present to some degree in all things, even at the subatomic level. Unlike idealist views that see matter as emergent from consciousness, panpsychism maintains that consciousness is an intrinsic property of matter itself, varying in complexity and expression across the physical spectrum.d. If these animistic perspectives don’t fully resonate with you, consider exploring Indigenous Relational Worldview for a more culturally-grounded approach to the living world.Further Reading: Graham Harvey’s “Animism: Respecting the Living World” Robin Wall Kimmerer’s “Braiding Sweetgrass” Nurit Bird-David’s “Animism Revisited”✧ CONSCIOUSNESS-FIRST ✧Mind generates reality rather than emerging from itUnlike materialist views where mind emerges from matter, Consciousness-First approaches recognize consciousness as the fundamental reality from which physical phenomena appear, not the other way around.Which perspective on consciousness as fundamental best represents your view?a. Buddhist Mind-Only – You understand that the external world is a manifestation of mind, not separate from it. The world we experience is shaped by consciousness, similar to how dream objects appear real but exist only in the mind. This Buddhist approach teaches that we only ever experience our mental impressions, not an independent world.b. Luminous Awareness – You experience reality as the unity of emptiness and aware presence. Through meditation and other practices, you realize the nature of mind as inherently pure and unobstructed. This experiential approach uses visualization and energy work to directly experience consciousness as the ground of all things.c. Universal Mind – You understand the universe as appearing within a cosmic consciousness. Individual minds are like “thought bubbles” within this greater mind, similar to how characters in a dream are expressions of the dreamer’s consciousness. This view explains consciousness paradoxes while staying compatible with scientific findings.d. Consciousness in Quantum Physics – You recognize that quantum physics suggests observation affects reality at a fundamental level. Experiments showing how particles behave differently when observed point to mind as primary to matter. This perspective sees quantum discoveries as scientific evidence for the primacy of consciousness.e. Mind-Shaped Reality – You recognize that the basic structures of reality (space, time, causality) are features of how our minds organize experience, not independent features existing “out there.” This doesn’t deny a real world but acknowledges that our minds actively construct our experienced reality.f. If consciousness-first approaches interest you but none quite fit, consider exploring Non-Dual Traditions, which move beyond mental frameworks altogether.Further Reading: Bernardo Kastrup’s “The Idea of the World” Donald Hoffman’s “The Case Against Reality” “Why the World Appears as It Does” by Steve Taylor✧ DEISM ✧Creator established natural laws then stepped backUnlike traditions that emphasize ongoing divine intervention, Deism recognizes that the supreme being established perfect natural laws at creation and then stepped back, allowing the universe to unfold according to these rational principles without requiring miracles or supernatural disruptions.Which form of deism best represents your view?a. Classical Deism – You believe God created the universe with perfectly designed natural laws and then stepped back, letting it run like a cosmic clock. God neither intervenes nor desires worship; reason and observation of nature are the paths to understanding the Creator.b. Modern Deism – While you believe a creator initiated the universe, you’re open to limited divine interaction or periods of involvement. You might accept ideas like a creator who occasionally fine-tunes cosmic parameters or who evolves along with creation.c. Scientific Deism – You see the fundamental laws and constants of physics as evidence of design, particularly their fine-tuning that permits life. Your concept of God is more abstract—perhaps as the ground of mathematics or the source of natural law—rather than a personal being.d. If none of these deistic frameworks resonate with you, consider exploring Scientific Materialism, which eliminates the creator entirely and focuses purely on natural explanations.Further Reading: Thomas Paine’s “The Age of Reason” Antony Flew’s “There Is a God” Matthew Tindal’s “Christianity as Old as the Creation”✧ FLAT EARTH CONSPIRACY ✧Rejecting globe model as institutional deceptionUnlike those who accept mainstream cosmology without question, Flat Earth proponents recognize that sensory evidence and practical observation suggest Earth is flat, with evidence for a globe representing deliberate deception maintained by powerful institutions for control purposes.Which of these variations of Earth skepticism best captures your view?a. Biblical Flat Earth – You hold that scripture clearly describes a stationary Earth with the firmament above, the waters below, and the sun and moon as luminaries that move across the sky. You see this not as primitive misunderstanding but as divine revelation that should take precedence over human scientific claims that contradict God’s word. The globe model represents human wisdom standing against divine authority.b. Conspiratorial Flat Earth – You’ve discovered compelling evidence that powerful institutions are deliberately concealing the true flat nature of Earth. This deception serves various agendas—from maintaining authority over cosmological understanding to hiding additional land beyond Antarctica’s ice wall. Your position isn’t based on ignorance but on critical analysis of claimed evidence for Earth’s curvature, space travel, and satellite imagery.c. Experiential Flat Earth – You prioritize your direct sensory experience over abstract scientific claims. In your daily observation, the Earth appears flat, water always finds its level, and the horizon rises to eye level regardless of altitude. You question whether complex explanations involving curves and forces are necessary when the simplest explanation—that Earth is flat—matches what we actually see and experience.d. If these flat Earth perspectives don’t align with your worldview, consider exploring Unconventional Skeptic for a broader approach to questioning mainstream narratives.Further Reading: Eric Dubay’s “200 Proofs Earth is Not a Spinning Ball” Samuel Rowbotham’s “Zetetic Astronomy: Earth Not a Globe” Mark Sargent’s “Flat Earth Clues” Nathan Roberts’ “The Doctrine of the Shape of the Earth”✧ GNOSTICISM/ESOTERIC DUALISM ✧Material world conceals higher spiritual realityUnlike conventional religious approaches, Gnostic and Esoteric traditions recognize that the physical world is a flawed creation or illusion that conceals higher spiritual reality, with liberation coming through acquiring secret knowledge (gnosis) rather than through faith or standard religious practice.Which form of Gnostic or dualistic thought resonates most with you?a. Classical Gnosticism – You believe the material world was created by an imperfect or malevolent Demiurge, not the true God. The divine spark within humans is trapped in matter, and salvation comes through secret knowledge (gnosis) of your divine origins.b. Philosophical Dualism – You see reality as fundamentally divided between mind/spirit and matter, or between good and evil principles. These opposing forces exist in tension, and spiritual progress involves aligning with higher principles against lower ones.c. Modern Matrix Skepticism – You experience a deep intuition that consensus reality is somehow false or incomplete—a veil obscuring a more profound truth. You sense that powerful forces (whether spiritual, governmental, or metaphysical) deliberately maintain this deception to keep humanity unconscious of its true potential and nature. You believe that awakening to this deception is possible through specific practices, insights, or experiences that can help pierce the illusion and connect with your authentic spiritual identity. The film “The Matrix” exemplifies this perspective, as do systems like Scientology which teaches that spiritual beings are trapped in physical reality, but your understanding may be more personal and nuanced—centered on the conviction that our ordinary perception of reality is designed to limit our spiritual freedom and power.d. If these dualistic perspectives don’t fully align with your understanding, consider exploring Simulation Hypothesis for a more technologically-framed version of reality skepticism.Further Reading: Elaine Pagels’ “The Gnostic Gospels” “The Nag Hammadi Library” (translations of original Gnostic texts) Hans Jonas’ “The Gnostic Religion” Stephan Hoeller’s “Gnosticism: New Light on the Ancient Tradition of Inner Knowing”✧ INDIGENOUS RELATIONAL WORLDVIEW ✧Reality as living web of reciprocal relationshipsUnlike Western perspectives based on abstraction and universalism, Indigenous worldviews recognize reality as a living web of relationships between humans and other-than-human persons tied to specific places, where knowledge emerges from generations of direct experience rather than theoretical frameworks.Which aspect of Indigenous cosmology most resonates with your understanding?a. Place-Based Knowledge – You participate in a living relationship with the specific lands and ecosystems that have sustained indigenous people for countless generations. You know that authentic understanding comes from this deep connection to particular places, each with their own needs, spirits, and teachings that reveal themselves to those who approach with proper respect and attentiveness over time.b. Kinship Cosmology – You recognize humans as just one kind of person in a vast extended family that includes animal persons, plant persons, stone persons, and other beings. This isn’t metaphorical but literal—these other-than-human persons have their own languages, societies, and intentions. Proper living requires maintaining respectful family relationships with all these relatives through specific cultural protocols developed over generations.c. Ceremonial Reality – You participate in ceremonies not as symbolic rituals but as real actions that maintain cosmic balance and renew vital relationships between humans and other-than-human persons. These ceremonies aren’t separate from “reality” but are essential, pragmatic ways of ensuring continuation of life and community wellbeing through specific practices passed down by ancestors.d. Ancestral Continuity – You experience time as cyclical rather than linear, with ancestors remaining present and actively involved in current affairs rather than relegated to a distant past. Knowledge comes through dreams, visions, and direct communication with ancestral guides who continue to teach and protect the community. Listening to these voices is a practical skill developed through cultural guidance.e. If these Indigenous perspectives don’t fully align with your understanding, consider exploring Animism for a less culturally-specific approach to consciousness in the natural world.Further Reading: Gregory Cajete (Santa Clara Pueblo) - “Native Science: Natural Laws of Interdependence” Vine Deloria Jr. (Standing Rock Sioux) - “The World We Used to Live In” Leanne Betasamosake Simpson (Michi Saagiig Nishnaabeg) - “As We Have Always Done” Robin Wall Kimmerer (Citizen Potawatomi Nation) - “Braiding Sweetgrass” Linda Tuhiwai Smith (Ngāti Awa and Ngāti Porou) - “Decolonizing Methodologies” Daniel R. Wildcat (Yuchi member of the Muscogee Nation) - “Red Alert! Saving the Planet with Indigenous Knowledge”✧ INFORMATION-THEORETIC COSMOLOGY ✧Information as ultimate building block of realityUnlike materialist or consciousness-based frameworks, Information-Theoretic Cosmology recognizes information as the fundamental constituent of reality, with physical laws emerging from information constraints rather than being fundamental, and consciousness arising as a specific type of information processing.Which information-theoretic perspective best captures your view?a. It from Bit – Following physicist John Wheeler’s insight, you see information (“bit”) as more fundamental than matter (“it”). Physical reality emerges from the processing of binary distinctions (yes/no questions), with particles and forces being manifestations of underlying information patterns rather than fundamental substances.b. Computational Universe – You understand the universe as fundamentally computational, with physical processes representing the execution of underlying algorithms. Unlike simulation theory, this doesn’t require an external programmer, as computation may be an intrinsic property of reality itself.c. Entropic Gravity – You recognize that physical forces like gravity may be emergent consequences of information and entropy rather than fundamental forces. Following Erik Verlinde’s theories, you see space, time, and gravity as emergent properties of how information is organized rather than as base ingredients of reality.d. Observer-Dependent Reality – You understand reality as fundamentally shaped by what can be observed and measured, with the limits of information transfer defining the structure of physics. The universe appears as it does because of constraints on how information can be processed, not because of fundamental substances or forces.Further Reading: James Gleick - “The Information: A History, a Theory, a Flood” Seth Lloyd - “Programming the Universe” David Deutsch - “The Fabric of Reality” Charles Seife - “Decoding the Universe” Christopher G. Timpson - “Quantum Information Theory and the Foundations of Quantum Mechanics”✧ ISLAMIC PHILOSOPHICAL COSMOLOGY ✧Universe continuously renewed through divine willUnlike deistic views where God creates the universe and then withdraws, Islamic Philosophical Cosmology understands the universe as continuously sustained by divine will at every moment, with all existence depending entirely on God, and reality arranged in a meaningful hierarchy reflecting divine qualities.Which Islamic philosophical perspective best describes your understanding?a. Continuous Creation – You understand that the universe is not self-sustaining but exists through God’s ongoing creative act. You see reality as being recreated at every moment through divine will rather than continuing to exist on its own once initially created.b. Dependent Existence – You recognize that all beings depend completely on God for their existence, deriving their reality from the only Being who exists independently. Unlike naturalistic views, this means nothing in the universe exists by its own nature but only through divine gift.c. Divine Qualities in Creation – You see the cosmos as expressing divine qualities and attributes, with each created thing reflecting specific aspects of divine reality. The universe functions as a mirror through which God’s attributes become knowable, with human beings uniquely capable of reflecting all divine qualities.d. Layered Reality – You understand existence as arranged in levels of being, from the visible material world to unseen spiritual realms, with different orders of celestial beings mediating between these dimensions. Human consciousness can potentially access multiple levels of this cosmic structure.Further Reading: Seyyed Hossein Nasr - “An Introduction to Islamic Cosmological Doctrines” William Chittick - “The Self-Disclosure of God” Sachiko Murata - “The Tao of Islam”✧ JAIN COSMOLOGY ✧Multiple perspectives reveal complementary truths about realityUnlike frameworks based on single truth claims, Jain Cosmology recognizes the many-sidedness of reality where multiple, seemingly contradictory perspectives can simultaneously be true, with the universe being eternal and uncreated, functioning through natural laws without requiring a creator.Which aspect of Jain cosmology best reflects your understanding?a. Many-Sided Reality – You recognize that reality is infinitely complex and can only be understood through multiple, complementary perspectives. You understand that seemingly contradictory viewpoints can each contain partial truths about the same reality when viewed from different angles. This is not “anything goes” relativism, but a structured approach to understanding complex truth.b. Eternal Universe – You understand the cosmos as uncreated and endless, with no beginning or end, cycling through great cosmic time cycles. Matter, space, time, and souls are fundamental realities that rearrange themselves rather than being created or destroyed.c. Multiple Realms – You recognize a specific cosmic structure with many levels of existence, including heavenly realms, our middle world, and lower realms. These different dimensions are home to various beings – from gods to humans to other life forms – all connected through the natural law of karma.d. Universal Life – You see the entire universe as alive and aware to varying degrees, with even apparently lifeless elements having some form of consciousness. This understanding naturally leads to ethical principles of non-violence and careful living, since all things deserve moral consideration.Further Reading: Natubhai Shah - “Jainism: The World of Conquerors” Jeffery D. Long - “Jainism: An Introduction” Acharya Mahapragya - “The Quest for Truth in the Jaina Philosophy”✧ MULTIVERSE THEORY ✧Our universe among many in larger structureUnlike single-universe cosmologies, Multiverse Theory recognizes our universe as one among many in a larger cosmic structure, explaining fine-tuning and quantum peculiarities through scientific mechanisms rather than the supernatural frameworks of religious cosmologies or the technological ones of simulation theories.Which multiverse concept aligns most closely with your understanding?a. Quantum Many-Worlds – You believe every quantum event (like the measurement of a particle) creates branch universes where each possible outcome occurs. This means that for every decision or random event, all possibilities exist in some universe. This is the idea that reality continually splits into parallel versions whenever quantum events occur, creating countless branching timelines.b. Cosmic Bubble Universes – You accept the model where our universe is one bubble in an eternally expanding space, with other universe “bubbles” having potentially different physical laws, constants, and dimensions. This is like multiple soap bubbles forming in cosmic foam, each bubble a separate universe with its own physics, possibly very different from our own.c. Higher-Dimensional Branes – Based on string theory, you believe our universe exists on a membrane (“brane”) in higher-dimensional space, with other universes potentially existing on other branes that occasionally interact with ours. Think of this as pages in a book (each page a universe) that usually don’t touch, but sometimes can ripple and bump into each other.d. Cyclical Universe – You believe our universe undergoes endless cycles of expansion and contraction (or similar rebirth patterns), with each cycle potentially having different properties, effectively creating a temporal multiverse. This is like a cosmic heartbeat of big bangs and big crunches, each cycle a universe with its own history and possibly different physical laws.e. If these multiverse concepts don’t fit your cosmic understanding, explore Scientific Materialism for perspectives focused on our observable universe.Further Reading: Max Tegmark’s “Our Mathematical Universe” Brian Greene’s “The Hidden Reality” Hugh Everett’s “The Theory of the Universal Wave Function” Paul Steinhardt and Neil Turok’s “Endless Universe” Sean Carroll’s “Something Deeply Hidden”✧ NEW AGE SPIRITUALISM ✧Personal engagement with metaphysical energies and consciousnessUnlike dogmatic religious traditions, New Age Spiritualism embraces direct personal engagement with spiritual energies, consciousness transformation, and metaphysical practices drawn from multiple wisdom traditions, emphasizing individual experience and intuitive knowing over institutional authority.Choose one or more of these New Age paths that resonate with your perspective.a. Consciousness-Focused – You believe consciousness creates reality, with thoughts and intentions directly affecting the material world. Practices like the Law of Attraction, manifestation techniques, and visualization are central to your worldview.b. Energy-Based – You focus on subtle energies, chakras, auras, and vibrational frequencies. You might work with crystal healing, Reiki, or other energy modalities, seeing reality as fundamentally vibrational in nature.c. Evolutionary Consciousness – You believe humanity is evolving toward higher consciousness and greater spiritual awareness. We are in a planetary shift (like the Age of Aquarius), where collective awakening will transform society and our relationship with the cosmos.d. Eclectic Synthesis – You draw from multiple spiritual traditions, ancient wisdom, and modern metaphysics, creating a personalized path. You value direct experience over dogma and believe in finding your own truth among many valid perspectives.e. If these New Age approaches don’t quite fit your spiritual perspective, consider exploring Agnostic Spiritual Seeker, which maintains a similar openness but with more emphasis on intellectual inquiry.Further Reading: Marilyn Ferguson’s “The Aquarian Conspiracy” Ken Wilber’s integral theory works “Paths to God” by Ram Dass✧ NON-DUAL TRADITIONS ✧Reality transcends subject-object division and conceptual thinkingUnlike frameworks that divide reality into categories, Non-Dual Traditions recognize that reality transcends ordinary subject-object thinking, pointing to direct insight beyond conceptual divisions as the path to truth.Which approach to transcending dualistic thinking most resonates with your understanding?a. Buddhist Emptiness – You recognize that all things lack independent existence and arise through interconnection. Through meditation and reflection, you experience how reality is empty of separate, solid objects. This realization frees you from attachment to fixed views, allowing you to experience reality beyond the false choices of “exists” or “doesn’t exist.”b. Direct Experience Zen – You emphasize immediate experience beyond words and ideas. Your practice involves breaking through thought patterns through meditation and direct questioning. You find meaning in ordinary activities with complete presence, recognizing your true nature in moments when conceptual thinking falls away.c. Unity of Self and Cosmos – You recognize that your deepest self and ultimate reality are fundamentally the same. The separation we experience is an illusion, and freedom comes through directly realizing “you are that” – the universe knowing itself through you. This approach sees the physical world as a surface appearance of deeper, unchanging reality.d. Sacred Manifestation – You understand reality as the dynamic interplay of consciousness and energy, where the universe is awareness expressing itself. Through recognizing your true nature, you experience the world as inseparable from your awareness. This approach embraces the physical world as sacred, using ritual and embodied practices to realize divine presence within everyday experience.e. Natural Harmony – You perceive the cosmos as the flowing balance of complementary forces that form an indivisible whole. This natural way cannot be captured in concepts but can be lived through simplicity and effortless action. By following nature’s patterns rather than imposing your will, you find harmony within constant change.f. If none of these non-dual approaches resonate with you, consider exploring Consciousness-First perspectives, which offer more structured explanations while still seeing consciousness as fundamental.Further Reading: Alan Watts’ “The Way of Zen” Rupert Spira’s “The Transparency of Things” “The Tao Te Ching” translated by Stephen Mitchell✧ PANENTHEISM ✧Divine both permeates and transcends the universeUnlike pantheism where God and the universe are identical, or traditional theism where God stands apart from creation, Panentheism recognizes that while the divine permeates everything in the universe, God also transcends it—the world exists within God, yet God is greater than the world.Which understanding of panentheism most resonates with you?a. Process Panentheism → Following Alfred North Whitehead’s vision of reality as dynamic process rather than static substance, you see God and the world in mutual becoming, with God including yet transcending the universe. God experiences the world and is affected by it, while still maintaining aspects beyond creation.b. Emanationist Panentheism → You understand the cosmos as flowing from or emanating from divine reality while remaining within it. Creation unfolds in descending levels of reality (like light radiating from a source), with each level reflecting divine being according to its capacity while remaining connected to its source.c. Participatory Panentheism → You see the universe as participating in divine reality through consciousness. Through contemplative awareness or mystical experience, beings can recognize their existence within God while acknowledging God’s transcendence, experiencing union without complete identity.d. If these panentheistic frameworks don’t fit your understanding of divinity, consider exploring Non-Dual & Beyond-Concept Traditions for perspectives that transcend conceptual boundaries between God and world.Further Reading: John Cobb and David Ray Griffin’s “Process Theology” Philip Clayton’s “The Problem of God in Modern Thought” Matthew Fox’s “Original Blessing”✧ PANTHEISM ✧Universe itself is sacred and divineUnlike theistic perspectives that separate divinity from nature, Pantheism recognizes that the universe itself is divine and sacred, with no distinction between God and natural reality—divinity is directly experienced in the wonder, complexity, and interconnectedness of the cosmos itself.Which form of pantheism best describes your view?a. Classical Pantheism – Following Spinoza, you understand God and Nature as identical—there is only one fundamental reality which can be viewed either as “God” or as “Nature.” Everything that exists is an expression of this single divine substance. You see this not as atheism but as a profound recognition that the divine isn’t separate from the world but is the world’s very essence and being.b. Scientific Pantheism – You find deep spiritual meaning in the universe as revealed by science, without adding supernatural elements. You experience awe contemplating cosmic evolution, natural beauty, and the elegant laws of physics. The actual universe we discover through observation and science is itself worthy of the reverence others direct toward supernatural beings. Your spirituality is grounded in reality rather than transcendent realms.c. Monistic Pantheism – You understand all apparent diversity and multiplicity as ultimately a single unified reality. What appears as separate objects and beings are actually manifestations of one underlying divine substance. Individual existence is like waves on the ocean—seemingly distinct but actually inseparable from the whole. This perspective emphasizes unity beyond the illusory appearance of separation.d. Organic Pantheism – You experience the universe as a living whole, like a cosmic organism with all parts interdependent and alive with divine presence. Rather than seeing the world as mechanical or accidental, you perceive it as inherently purposeful and alive, with every part contributing to the whole. This perspective emphasizes relationship, interconnection, and the sacred within all natural processes.e. Mystical Pantheism – You have directly experienced moments of profound unity with all existence, dissolving the boundaries between self and world. These mystical experiences reveal that separation is an illusion—all is divine presence manifesting in countless forms. Your understanding comes not primarily from philosophical reasoning but from direct spiritual experience of oneness with nature and cosmos.f. If none of these categories quite capture your perspective, explore Spiritual Naturalism for a more scientifically-oriented approach to finding meaning, or Panentheism if you sense the divine both within and beyond the natural world.Further Reading: Baruch Spinoza’s “Ethics” Paul Harrison’s “Elements of Pantheism” Mary Jane Rubenstein’s “Pantheologies” Ursula Goodenough’s “The Sacred Depths of Nature”✧ POLYTHEISM ✧Multiple gods with distinct domains and personalitiesUnlike monotheistic frameworks that reduce divine complexity to a single being, Polytheism recognizes multiple distinct gods with different domains and personalities who interact with humanity and each other in a rich tapestry of relationships that better reflects the diversity and complexity of existence.Which polytheistic framework best reflects your understanding?a. Classical Polytheism – You believe in multiple distinct deities with different domains, personalities, and powers, similar to ancient traditions like Greek, Norse, or Egyptian pantheons. These gods interact with each other and with humanity in complex ways.b. Henotheism – While acknowledging many gods exist, you primarily worship or connect with one deity, perhaps as your patron or as particularly relevant to your life. Other gods are real but not the focus of your spiritual practice.c. Reconstructionist Polytheism – You practice a revived form of ancient polytheistic religion, attempting to reconstruct historical worship practices while adapting them to contemporary life. You seek authentic connection to ancestral traditions and deities.d. Hard Polytheism – You believe each deity is absolutely distinct, with separate consciousness, will, and essence. Gods are not archetypes or aspects of a single divine force but truly independent beings with their own agendas and personalities.e. If these polytheistic frameworks don’t quite capture your perspective, consider exploring Animism, which shifts focus from gods to the spiritual nature of all things in the world around us.Further Reading: Edward Butler’s writings on polytheistic philosophy “A World Full of Gods” by John Michael Greer “Drawing Down the Moon” by Margot Adler✧ SCIENTIFIC MATERIALISM ✧Physical processes alone explain all phenomenaUnlike idealist or dualist perspectives, Scientific Materialism recognizes physical matter, energy, and their interactions as the most fundamental reality from which all phenomena—including consciousness—emerge through entirely natural processes without requiring immaterial substances or supernatural explanations.Which form of scientific materialism best describes your perspective?a. Reductive Materialism – You value the elegance and explanatory power of understanding all phenomena, including consciousness, as ultimately reducible to fundamental physical particles and forces. This empirically-grounded position has consistently advanced human knowledge by revealing the underlying physical mechanisms of increasingly complex systems, from chemical reactions to neural activity, without requiring additional non-physical elements.b. Emergent Materialism – You recognize that while the universe is fundamentally physical, complex systems develop genuinely novel properties not predictable from analysis of their components alone. Consciousness, life, and social phenomena represent emergent levels of organization requiring their own descriptive frameworks. This nuanced position honors both the physical foundation of reality and the genuine novelty that arises at higher levels of complexity.c. Pragmatic Instrumentalism – You see scientific theories as powerful tools for prediction and control rather than literal descriptions of an ultimate reality. The value of materialism lies in its extraordinary practical utility and predictive success, not in metaphysical claims about what “really” exists. This pragmatic approach sidesteps unresolvable metaphysical debates while maintaining the full practical power of scientific methodology.d. Poetic Naturalism – Following Sean Carroll’s approach, you embrace multiple valid ways of talking about reality at different levels (physical, biological, psychological), all compatible with a fundamental physical world. These aren’t merely convenient fictions but genuine ways of capturing real patterns in nature that matter for different purposes. This layered approach provides a rich, scientifically grounded framework for understanding reality at multiple scales.e. If these materialist frameworks don’t fully satisfy your understanding, consider exploring Spiritual Naturalism for approaches that find meaning in the natural world within a scientific framework.Further Reading: Daniel Dennett’s “Consciousness Explained” Sean Carroll’s “The Big Picture” Patricia Churchland’s “Touching a Nerve” Alex Rosenberg’s “The Atheist’s Guide to Reality” Steven Weinberg’s “Dreams of a Final Theory”✧ SIMULATION HYPOTHESIS ✧Reality as programmed environment created by advanced beingsUnlike traditional religious or naturalistic cosmologies, the Simulation Hypothesis recognizes our reality as a sophisticated digital or programmed environment created by more advanced beings, explaining apparent fine-tuning and peculiarities of quantum physics better than conventional frameworks.Which version of the simulation hypothesis best matches your thinking?a. Technological Simulation – You believe our reality is a computer simulation created by an advanced civilization (perhaps our own descendants). Unlike spiritual Matrix views, this is a scientific/technological hypothesis about how the universe works, not a spiritual claim about liberation from an oppressive illusion.b. Divine Simulation – You see the simulation as created by a god-like entity, making this perspective similar to certain religious views but framed in technological terms. The “programmer” serves a role analogous to God in traditional theology.c. Nested Realities – You suspect we exist in just one level of many nested simulations, with simulators themselves being simulated. Reality consists of worlds within worlds, with no clear “base reality” accessible to us.d. Conscious Simulation – You believe the simulation isn’t computational but consciously generated—more like a vast shared dream or mental construct than a computer program. Reality emerges from consciousness rather than from code. While this shares elements with Consciousness-First cosmologies, the key difference is that you believe this conscious creation has the specific structure and purpose of a simulation created by other beings, rather than being the natural expression of universal consciousness with no designer or creator behind it.e. If none of these simulation perspectives capture your understanding, consider exploring Gnosticism/Esoteric Dualism for similar ideas about illusory reality but in spiritual terms.Further Reading: Nick Bostrom’s “Are You Living in a Computer Simulation?” Rizwan Virk’s “The Simulation Hypothesis” David Chalmers’ “Reality+: Virtual Worlds and the Problems of Philosophy” Tom Campbell’s “My Big TOE (Theory of Everything)”✧ SPIRITUAL NATURALISM ✧Finding meaning within natural processes without supernatural elementsUnlike supernatural worldviews, Spiritual Naturalism finds profound meaning, wonder, and value within the natural universe as revealed by science, recognizing that spiritual experiences like awe, connection, and transcendence emerge from natural processes rather than requiring divine intervention.Which approach to finding spiritual meaning within a natural universe best represents your view?a. Scientific Spirituality – You find profound spiritual meaning in scientific understanding itself, experiencing awe and wonder through cosmology, evolution, and natural processes. You see the scientific narrative of the universe—from the Big Bang to the emergence of life and consciousness—as a sacred story that connects us to something larger than ourselves, without requiring supernatural elements.b. Naturalistic Buddhism – You embrace Buddhist insights and practices while interpreting them in naturalistic terms. You see concepts like impermanence, non-self, and causality as empirical realities rather than metaphysical claims. You might interpret karma as psychological patterns and rebirth as moment-to-moment change rather than literal reincarnation. Meditation serves as a practical tool for understanding mind patterns and fostering well-being rather than achieving supernatural states.c. Philosophical Naturalism – You find meaning, value, and purpose within a fully natural cosmos through philosophical reflection. Following thinkers like Spinoza or the Stoics, you see ethical development and rational understanding as spiritual practices in themselves. You might describe your approach as “rational spirituality” or “ethical naturalism,” recognizing that profound values like love, justice, and beauty emerge naturally from the universe without requiring divine origins.d. Embodied Spirituality – You experience spirituality primarily through the body and its connection to the natural world. Your practice might include movement, dance, wilderness experiences, or somatic awareness as pathways to transcendence and meaning. You find that direct physical experience of being alive in the natural world provides a form of spiritual nourishment that doesn’t require supernatural beliefs.e. Naturalistic Taoism – You appreciate the Taoist emphasis on harmony with natural processes, the balance of complementary forces, and the wisdom of non-action (wu-wei). Unlike Traditional Daoist Cosmology, you interpret these principles as naturalistic insights rather than metaphysical truths. You see the Tao not as a cosmic reality beyond the physical world, but as a powerful metaphor for patterns and processes within nature that science reveals. Your practice focuses on aligning with natural rhythms and applying Taoist wisdom within a scientific worldview that doesn’t require supernatural elements or energetic dimensions. You value Taoist concepts for their practical insights into living well rather than their traditional cosmological implications.f. If none of these categories quite fit, check out the section on Pantheism, which offers a more explicitly divine framing of natural wonder.Further Reading: Spiritual Naturalist Society resources Sam Harris’ “Waking Up” Stephen Batchelor’s “Buddhism Without Beliefs” David Hinton’s “Hunger Mountain: A Field Guide to Mind and Landscape” Henrik Bogdan’s “Western Esotericism and Rituals of Initiation” Dale S. Wright’s “Philosophical Meditations on Zen Buddhism”✧ THEISTIC EVOLUTION ✧God creates through evolutionary processesUnlike both purely materialistic evolution and literal creationism, Theistic Evolution recognizes God as the ultimate creator while embracing scientific discoveries about evolutionary processes. This perspective sees evolution as God’s chosen method of creation, resolving apparent conflicts between science and faith.Which approach to integrating divine purpose with evolutionary science resonates most with you?a. Divine Natural Processes – You understand God as creating through natural evolutionary processes rather than instantaneous acts. You see science as describing “how” while faith explains “why” and “who.” The ancient universe, common descent, and natural selection all reflect God’s elegant method of creation and don’t conflict with divine purpose.b. Guided Development – You recognize that God intervened at key moments throughout Earth’s long history. While accepting the universe’s ancient age and most scientific findings, you believe that certain critical developments—especially human consciousness—required specific divine guidance beyond random natural processes.c. Purposeful Direction – You see evolution as moving purposefully toward greater complexity, consciousness, and spiritual capacity. Rather than a random process, you understand evolution as a directed journey with humanity as a crucial stage in creation’s development toward greater communion with God—an unfolding plan with spiritual meaning.d. Continuous Creation – You understand God’s creative activity as ongoing rather than completed in the distant past. Divine creativity works through evolutionary processes at every moment, with God sustaining and guiding creation’s development in a continual relationship. Each new species and adaptation reflects God’s ongoing creative presence.e. If these perspectives don’t fully capture your view, consider exploring Panentheism, which offers a more integrated vision of God as both within and beyond creation.Further Reading: Francis Collins’ “The Language of God” BioLogos Foundation resources (biologos.org) John Haught’s “Making Sense of Evolution” Denis Edwards’ “The God of Evolution”✧ TRADITIONAL AFRICAN COSMOLOGIES ✧Multiple, intersecting realms where ancestors, spirits and living beings continuously interactUnlike Western frameworks that separate spiritual and material reality, Traditional African Cosmologies recognize multiple, intersecting realms of existence where ancestors, spirits, and living beings continuously interact through ritual practices, divination systems, and community relationships.Which aspect of Traditional African cosmology most resonates with your understanding?a. Community-Ancestral Connection – You see reality as fundamentally relational, with ancestors actively participating in present community life. Unlike Western notions of death as final separation, you understand ancestors as accessible guides whose wisdom can be consulted through various ritual means. Reality is upheld through proper relationships between the living, the ancestors, and other spiritual entities.b. Cyclical-Sacred Time – You experience time as cyclical rather than linear, with cosmic patterns manifesting through seasonal ceremonies, divination systems, and initiation rites. Past, present, and future exist in dynamic relationship rather than as separate categories. Sacred times allow direct contact between visible and invisible aspects of reality.c. Divination-Based Causality – You recognize that visible events have invisible causes that can be discerned through divination systems (such as Ifá, throwing the bones, or other traditional methods). These systems don’t merely predict events but reveal the underlying spiritual dynamics and relationships that shape material reality. Problems in the visible world reflect disruptions in spiritual relationships.d. Vitality-Force Cosmology – You understand the universe as animated by a vital force or energy (known as àse, nyama, or similar concepts across different African traditions) that flows through all beings. The cultivation, balance, and proper channeling of this force is central to maintaining cosmic harmony and personal wellbeing.Further Reading: John S. Mbiti (Kenyan theologian/philosopher) - “African Religions and Philosophy” Wande Abimbola (Yoruba scholar/priest) - “Ifá Divination Poetry” Malidoma Somé (Dagara elder) - “Of Water and the Spirit” Sobonfu Somé (Dagara teacher) - “The Spirit of Intimacy” Oyèrónkẹ́ Oyěwùmí (Nigerian sociologist) - “The Invention of Women”✧ TRADITIONAL DAOIST COSMOLOGY ✧Reality spontaneously emerging from emptiness through natural principles and complementary forcesUnlike creation-centered frameworks that posit a divine creator, Traditional Daoist Cosmology sees reality as spontaneously emerging from Wu (emptiness/void) through natural principles, with change occurring through the complementary interplay of yin and yang forces rather than through external intervention.Which aspect of Daoist cosmology best describes your view?a. Natural Process & Spontaneity – You understand the universe as self-generating (ziran) rather than created. Reality continuously emerges from Wu (emptiness/void) without requiring a creator, with existence and non-existence generating each other. The Dao doesn’t create the world but is the natural process through which reality unfolds. You believe the optimal approach to existence is “non-action” (wu-wei) – not passivity, but action aligned with the natural flow of reality rather than forcing artificial patterns. Reality functions best when beings act in accordance with their inner nature (xing) rather than through external control.b. Pattern Correspondence & Complementarity – You see all aspects of reality as expressions of complementary, mutually-generating forces (yin and yang). Unlike dualistic frameworks that see opposites as conflicting, you understand apparent opposites as interdependent aspects of a unified whole that continuously transform into each other. You also recognize human beings as “small universes” (xiao tian-di) that mirror the patterns of the larger cosmos, with practices like internal alchemy, feng shui, and traditional medicine based on aligning personal energetic patterns with cosmic ones.c. Integral Cultivation – You embrace a holistic approach to Daoist practice that integrates philosophical understanding, energetic cultivation, ritual engagement, and practical embodiment. You recognize the importance of both internal cultivation through meditation and external alignment through ceremony and community practice. You view Daoist arts (calligraphy, martial arts, tea ceremony, poetry) as embodied expressions of cosmic principles that allow direct participation in the Dao beyond intellectual understanding.Further Reading: Zhang Dainian - “Key Concepts in Chinese Philosophy” Kristofer Schipper - “The Taoist Body” Livia Kohn - “Introducing Daoism” Roger T. Ames & David L. Hall - “Dao De Jing: A Philosophical Translation” Eva Wong - “Taoism: An Essential Guide”✧ UNCONVENTIONAL SKEPTIC ✧Questioning established explanations while remaining open to multiple alternative possibilitiesUnlike those who either accept mainstream narratives or commit to specific alternative theories, Unconventional Skeptics question established explanations while remaining open to multiple possibilities, recognizing patterns of institutional deception without limiting inquiry to any single alternative framework.Which aspect of alternative thinking best describes your approach?a. Hidden History Researcher – You focus on investigating suppressed or alternative historical narratives, believing significant events or civilizations have been omitted from mainstream accounts.b. Alternative Physics Explorer – You question fundamental scientific paradigms, suspecting that alternative energy technologies, gravity manipulation, or consciousness-based physical phenomena are possible but suppressed.c. Conspiracy Analyst – You examine potential hidden power structures and deliberate manipulations of public information, looking for patterns that suggest coordinated deception across institutions.d. Open Skeptic – You maintain a stance of questioning both mainstream and alternative explanations, recognizing the limits of human knowledge and the provisional nature of all explanations. You remain open to new evidence while being cautious about claims that exceed what can be reliably known.e. If this skeptical stance doesn’t quite uncover the approach you’re looking for, consider exploring Agnostic Spiritual Seeker for a similar openness but with more focus on spiritual growth and less on challenging established narratives.Further Reading: Graham Hancock’s “Fingerprints of the Gods” Michael A. Cremo’s “Forbidden Archeology” Walter Bosley’s “Origins: The History of Hidden Technology” James W. Loewen’s “Lies My Teacher Told Me” Jesse Walker’s “The United States of Paranoia”✧ YOUNG EARTH CREATIONISM ✧Upholding the integrity of scriptural accounts of Earth’s recent creationUnlike frameworks that accommodate evolutionary timeframes, Young Earth Creationism upholds the integrity of scriptural accounts by recognizing Earth’s recent creation (typically 6,000-10,000 years ago) as revealed in divine revelation rather than reinterpreting these texts to match scientific consensus.Which of these best describes your perspective on young Earth creationism?a. Biblical Literalism – You believe in a strict, literal reading of Genesis as God’s inerrant word, with Earth being approximately 6,000-10,000 years old, created in six 24-hour days. You see apparent scientific evidence for an older Earth (like radiometric dating or distant starlight) as either flawed due to incorrect assumptions or created “with age” by God as part of His perfect design.b. Appearance of Age Theory – You believe God created the universe recently with a fully-functioning, mature appearance, just as Adam was created as an adult rather than an infant. The entire cosmos was created with a “history” already built in for functional and theological purposes, reflecting God’s wisdom and sovereignty.c. Catastrophism – You believe Earth is young, but its geology has been dramatically shaped by catastrophic events (especially Noah’s global Flood), which explain phenomena like the fossil record, geological strata, and features that mainstream scientists wrongly attribute to long ages. This framework provides a scientifically coherent alternative to uniformitarian geology that remains faithful to scripture.d. If these perspectives don’t quite align with your beliefs, consider exploring Theistic Evolution which allows for a much older Earth while still maintaining God’s central role in creation.Further Reading: Henry Morris and John Whitcomb’s “The Genesis Flood” Ken Ham’s work at Answers in Genesis Jonathan Sarfati’s “Refuting Evolution”ResultsBased on your answers to the questions in both steps, you now have a refined understanding of your cosmological worldview relative to other possibilities. Your answers have led you to one of over 50 specific cosmological perspectives that capture the nuances of how you understand the nature of reality.✧ COSMIC CROSSROADS: WHERE WORLDVIEWS BLEND ✧Most people don’t fit perfectly into a single cosmological box. Here are some common ways people combine different perspectives: Scientific Framework with Spiritual Meaning Primary: Scientific Materialism or Multiverse Theory Secondary: Spiritual Naturalism or Pantheism This combination acknowledges the scientific account of physical reality while finding spiritual meaning within natural processes. Traditional Religion with Modern Science Primary: Theistic Evolution or Panentheism Secondary: Scientific frameworks about physical processes Many religious believers embrace scientific discoveries while maintaining that God works through these processes. Indigenous or Traditional Frameworks with Contemporary Practice Primary: Indigenous Relational Worldview or Traditional African Cosmologies Secondary: Elements of Animism or New Age practices This blend honors ancestral traditions while adapting practices for contemporary life. Consciousness-Based Reality with Practical Ethics Primary: Consciousness-First or Non-Dual perspectives Secondary: Philosophical Naturalism or Scientific Spirituality This combination focuses on consciousness as fundamental while embracing pragmatic, evidence-based approaches to daily life. Skeptical Openness Primary: Agnostic Spiritual Seeker or Unconventional Skeptic Secondary: Elements from multiple traditions as working hypotheses This approach maintains healthy skepticism while exploring various traditions experientially. Your cosmology represents your fundamental assumptions about the universe—its origins, composition, purpose (if any), and your place within it. These beliefs, whether religious, scientific, philosophical, or a blend of traditions, shape how you interpret experiences and make meaning in your life.Remember that views often evolve throughout life. The categories presented here aren’t rigid boxes but useful frameworks for understanding different ways humans make sense of existence.What’s most important isn’t which label fits you, but the ongoing journey of cosmological thinking itself—the human endeavor to comprehend our astonishing universe and our place within it.Share your thoughtsI’m curious to know if this questionnaire helped illuminate your cosmological perspective, or if it missed important nuances that you feel are significant. These worldviews aren’t mutually exclusive (many people blend elements of several), but if there’s a key element of your cosmology that should be more directly represented here, please share your thoughts!To explore further:Consider how your cosmological perspective influences your: Ethics and values Approach to seeking knowledge and truth Understanding of consciousness Relationship with nature Sense of meaning and purpose Views on death and what might lie beyondYou might also explore traditions or thinkers aligned with your results, or engage respectfully with those holding different cosmologies to broaden your understanding.", "content_html": "

What are your beliefs about the nature of reality?

This interview is designed to be a fun way to help you identify your fundamental beliefs about the nature of reality (aka your cosmology), and attempts to get kind of specific about it. It’s not meant to be a comprehensive survey of all possible cosmologies, but rather a tool to help you identify your own cosmology and perhaps to spark a fun conversation with others.

STEP 1: Identify your beliefs about the nature of reality at a high level

Start at Question 1. Follow the instructions after each answer until you reach your initial cosmology. Then proceed to Step 2 to refine your result.

1. WHAT IS REALITY? At the most fundamental level, which of these best describes your view?

2. WHO CREATED IT? Which best describes your understanding of the divine or spiritual nature of reality?

3. CAN WE KNOW TRUTH? Which approach to knowledge about reality best describes your view?

4. WHAT IS CONSCIOUSNESS? Which statement best captures your view of consciousness and reality?

5. HOW DOES IT WORK? Which best describes your view of the physical nature of reality?

6. HOW INVOLVED IS GOD? Which best describes your view of the supreme being’s relationship to the universe?

7. HOW DO GODS INTERACT? Which best describes the divine relationship to creation?

8. WHAT ENERGIES EXIST? Which approach to accessing metaphysical energies resonates with you the most?

9. WHAT GIVES MEANING? Which view of physical reality best describes your perspective?

10. WHAT’S THE ALTERNATIVE? Which of the following perspectives do you align with most?

11. HOW DO YOU EXPLORE? Which of these approaches better describes your perspective?

STEP 2: Refine Your Cosmological Worldview

Where You Are Now: Based on your answers in Step 1, you’ve identified your broad cosmological category. Now we’ll help you pinpoint your specific perspective within this category.

What To Do: Read the description of your cosmology below, then answer one final question to determine your precise worldview. Each option represents a distinct variation within your broader cosmological framework.

If This Doesn’t Fit: If the cosmology you’ve been directed to doesn’t resonate with you, each section includes suggestions for alternative perspectives you might explore instead.

✧ AGNOSTIC SPIRITUAL SEEKER ✧

Embracing the limits of what we can know while remaining open to spiritual insights

Agnostic approaches acknowledge fundamental limits to human knowledge about ultimate reality, particularly regarding metaphysical questions. Rather than merely lacking belief or being in a transitional state, this represents a principled philosophical position about the boundaries of what can be known. Agnostics distinguish between empirical knowledge that is accessible to human inquiry and transcendent questions that may exceed our cognitive capacities or evidential reach.

Which approach to spiritual seeking best describes your path?

a. Mystical Agnosticism – You recognize that there may be dimensions of reality that are inherently ineffable and beyond conceptual understanding. While maintaining agnosticism about metaphysical claims, you remain open to non-conceptual, direct forms of knowing through subjective experiences that transcend rational categorization. You acknowledge the limitations of language and conceptual frameworks in capturing aspects of reality that can only be apprehended through direct experience.

b. Pragmatic Spirituality – You focus on what “works” experientially, valuing practices and ideas that produce positive transformation in your life, regardless of their metaphysical truth claims. Your spirituality is practical and results-oriented.

c. Philosophical Spirituality – You approach spiritual questions through philosophical inquiry, valuing rigorous thinking about ultimate reality while remaining open to mystery. You might draw from existentialism, phenomenology, or perennial philosophy.

d. Epistemological Agnosticism – You maintain that certain metaphysical questions about ultimate reality are in principle unanswerable by human minds due to inherent limitations in our cognitive capacities and the nature of evidence available to us. This isn’t simply withholding judgment but a positive philosophical position about the boundaries of knowledge. You recognize that all cosmological frameworks are necessarily provisional and limited in their ability to capture reality as it actually is.

e. Perpetual Inquiry – You value the ongoing exploration of multiple traditions and perspectives as worthwhile in itself, not merely as a transitional phase toward a final answer. You intentionally maintain epistemic openness as you investigate different paths, recognizing that the process of questioning and seeking may be more valuable than any definitive conclusion.

f. If these agnostic approaches don’t offer enough options, consider exploring Unconventional Skeptic, which focuses more on questioning mainstream narratives.

Further Reading:

✧ ANCIENT ASTRONAUT THEORY ✧

Advanced extraterrestrial visitors shaped human history and development

Unlike conventional archaeology that misinterprets or ignores evidence, Ancient Astronaut Theory recognizes that extraterrestrial beings visited Earth in antiquity, explaining advanced ancient achievements, cross-cultural mythological parallels, and anomalous artifacts that traditional history cannot adequately address, and have frequently mis-attributed to God or gods.

Which ancient astronaut perspective best matches your beliefs?

a. Intervention Origins – You believe extraterrestrials genetically engineered or modified early humans, explaining the “missing link” in evolution and humanity’s rapid cognitive development.

b. Technological Guidance – You believe aliens provided advanced knowledge to early civilizations, explaining seemingly impossible ancient achievements like precise megalithic structures or sophisticated astronomical knowledge.

c. Religious Foundations – You see major religions as based on misunderstood extraterrestrial contact, with gods actually being advanced aliens, miracles being technology, and religious artifacts (like the Ark of the Covenant) being alien devices.

d. Ongoing Presence – You believe ancient astronauts never fully left Earth and continue to monitor or influence human development, possibly from hidden bases or through ongoing genetic programs.

e. If these ancient astronaut theories don’t fully explain your understanding of the past, consider exploring Unconventional Skeptic for a broader framework of alternative explanations.

Further Reading:

✧ ANIMISM ✧

All things in nature possess consciousness, spirit, and personhood

Unlike perspectives that see consciousness as exclusive to humans or that separate spirit from matter, Animism recognizes that consciousness, personhood, or spiritual essence dwells within all natural entities (animals, plants, mountains, rivers), creating a community of beings deserving moral consideration and relationship.

Which animistic perspective best captures your worldview?

a. Traditional Animism – You believe all things (animals, plants, rocks, rivers, weather systems) possess spirits, consciousness, or personhood, forming a community of beings with agency beyond humans. Proper relationships with these beings involve respect, reciprocity, and ritual acknowledgment.

b. Neo-Animism – You’ve developed a contemporary animistic practice that recognizes consciousness or personhood in natural entities, perhaps blending traditional ideas with modern ecological awareness, phenomenology, or systems thinking.

c. Panpsychism – You believe consciousness is a fundamental feature of the universe, present to some degree in all things, even at the subatomic level. Unlike idealist views that see matter as emergent from consciousness, panpsychism maintains that consciousness is an intrinsic property of matter itself, varying in complexity and expression across the physical spectrum.

d. If these animistic perspectives don’t fully resonate with you, consider exploring Indigenous Relational Worldview for a more culturally-grounded approach to the living world.

Further Reading:

✧ CONSCIOUSNESS-FIRST ✧

Mind generates reality rather than emerging from it

Unlike materialist views where mind emerges from matter, Consciousness-First approaches recognize consciousness as the fundamental reality from which physical phenomena appear, not the other way around.

Which perspective on consciousness as fundamental best represents your view?

a. Buddhist Mind-Only – You understand that the external world is a manifestation of mind, not separate from it. The world we experience is shaped by consciousness, similar to how dream objects appear real but exist only in the mind. This Buddhist approach teaches that we only ever experience our mental impressions, not an independent world.

b. Luminous Awareness – You experience reality as the unity of emptiness and aware presence. Through meditation and other practices, you realize the nature of mind as inherently pure and unobstructed. This experiential approach uses visualization and energy work to directly experience consciousness as the ground of all things.

c. Universal Mind – You understand the universe as appearing within a cosmic consciousness. Individual minds are like “thought bubbles” within this greater mind, similar to how characters in a dream are expressions of the dreamer’s consciousness. This view explains consciousness paradoxes while staying compatible with scientific findings.

d. Consciousness in Quantum Physics – You recognize that quantum physics suggests observation affects reality at a fundamental level. Experiments showing how particles behave differently when observed point to mind as primary to matter. This perspective sees quantum discoveries as scientific evidence for the primacy of consciousness.

e. Mind-Shaped Reality – You recognize that the basic structures of reality (space, time, causality) are features of how our minds organize experience, not independent features existing “out there.” This doesn’t deny a real world but acknowledges that our minds actively construct our experienced reality.

f. If consciousness-first approaches interest you but none quite fit, consider exploring Non-Dual Traditions, which move beyond mental frameworks altogether.

Further Reading:

✧ DEISM ✧

Creator established natural laws then stepped back

Unlike traditions that emphasize ongoing divine intervention, Deism recognizes that the supreme being established perfect natural laws at creation and then stepped back, allowing the universe to unfold according to these rational principles without requiring miracles or supernatural disruptions.

Which form of deism best represents your view?

a. Classical Deism – You believe God created the universe with perfectly designed natural laws and then stepped back, letting it run like a cosmic clock. God neither intervenes nor desires worship; reason and observation of nature are the paths to understanding the Creator.

b. Modern Deism – While you believe a creator initiated the universe, you’re open to limited divine interaction or periods of involvement. You might accept ideas like a creator who occasionally fine-tunes cosmic parameters or who evolves along with creation.

c. Scientific Deism – You see the fundamental laws and constants of physics as evidence of design, particularly their fine-tuning that permits life. Your concept of God is more abstract—perhaps as the ground of mathematics or the source of natural law—rather than a personal being.

d. If none of these deistic frameworks resonate with you, consider exploring Scientific Materialism, which eliminates the creator entirely and focuses purely on natural explanations.

Further Reading:

✧ FLAT EARTH CONSPIRACY ✧

Rejecting globe model as institutional deception

Unlike those who accept mainstream cosmology without question, Flat Earth proponents recognize that sensory evidence and practical observation suggest Earth is flat, with evidence for a globe representing deliberate deception maintained by powerful institutions for control purposes.

Which of these variations of Earth skepticism best captures your view?

a. Biblical Flat Earth – You hold that scripture clearly describes a stationary Earth with the firmament above, the waters below, and the sun and moon as luminaries that move across the sky. You see this not as primitive misunderstanding but as divine revelation that should take precedence over human scientific claims that contradict God’s word. The globe model represents human wisdom standing against divine authority.

b. Conspiratorial Flat Earth – You’ve discovered compelling evidence that powerful institutions are deliberately concealing the true flat nature of Earth. This deception serves various agendas—from maintaining authority over cosmological understanding to hiding additional land beyond Antarctica’s ice wall. Your position isn’t based on ignorance but on critical analysis of claimed evidence for Earth’s curvature, space travel, and satellite imagery.

c. Experiential Flat Earth – You prioritize your direct sensory experience over abstract scientific claims. In your daily observation, the Earth appears flat, water always finds its level, and the horizon rises to eye level regardless of altitude. You question whether complex explanations involving curves and forces are necessary when the simplest explanation—that Earth is flat—matches what we actually see and experience.

d. If these flat Earth perspectives don’t align with your worldview, consider exploring Unconventional Skeptic for a broader approach to questioning mainstream narratives.

Further Reading:

✧ GNOSTICISM/ESOTERIC DUALISM ✧

Material world conceals higher spiritual reality

Unlike conventional religious approaches, Gnostic and Esoteric traditions recognize that the physical world is a flawed creation or illusion that conceals higher spiritual reality, with liberation coming through acquiring secret knowledge (gnosis) rather than through faith or standard religious practice.

Which form of Gnostic or dualistic thought resonates most with you?

a. Classical Gnosticism – You believe the material world was created by an imperfect or malevolent Demiurge, not the true God. The divine spark within humans is trapped in matter, and salvation comes through secret knowledge (gnosis) of your divine origins.

b. Philosophical Dualism – You see reality as fundamentally divided between mind/spirit and matter, or between good and evil principles. These opposing forces exist in tension, and spiritual progress involves aligning with higher principles against lower ones.

c. Modern Matrix Skepticism – You experience a deep intuition that consensus reality is somehow false or incomplete—a veil obscuring a more profound truth. You sense that powerful forces (whether spiritual, governmental, or metaphysical) deliberately maintain this deception to keep humanity unconscious of its true potential and nature. You believe that awakening to this deception is possible through specific practices, insights, or experiences that can help pierce the illusion and connect with your authentic spiritual identity. The film “The Matrix” exemplifies this perspective, as do systems like Scientology which teaches that spiritual beings are trapped in physical reality, but your understanding may be more personal and nuanced—centered on the conviction that our ordinary perception of reality is designed to limit our spiritual freedom and power.

d. If these dualistic perspectives don’t fully align with your understanding, consider exploring Simulation Hypothesis for a more technologically-framed version of reality skepticism.

Further Reading:

✧ INDIGENOUS RELATIONAL WORLDVIEW ✧

Reality as living web of reciprocal relationships

Unlike Western perspectives based on abstraction and universalism, Indigenous worldviews recognize reality as a living web of relationships between humans and other-than-human persons tied to specific places, where knowledge emerges from generations of direct experience rather than theoretical frameworks.

Which aspect of Indigenous cosmology most resonates with your understanding?

a. Place-Based Knowledge – You participate in a living relationship with the specific lands and ecosystems that have sustained indigenous people for countless generations. You know that authentic understanding comes from this deep connection to particular places, each with their own needs, spirits, and teachings that reveal themselves to those who approach with proper respect and attentiveness over time.

b. Kinship Cosmology – You recognize humans as just one kind of person in a vast extended family that includes animal persons, plant persons, stone persons, and other beings. This isn’t metaphorical but literal—these other-than-human persons have their own languages, societies, and intentions. Proper living requires maintaining respectful family relationships with all these relatives through specific cultural protocols developed over generations.

c. Ceremonial Reality – You participate in ceremonies not as symbolic rituals but as real actions that maintain cosmic balance and renew vital relationships between humans and other-than-human persons. These ceremonies aren’t separate from “reality” but are essential, pragmatic ways of ensuring continuation of life and community wellbeing through specific practices passed down by ancestors.

d. Ancestral Continuity – You experience time as cyclical rather than linear, with ancestors remaining present and actively involved in current affairs rather than relegated to a distant past. Knowledge comes through dreams, visions, and direct communication with ancestral guides who continue to teach and protect the community. Listening to these voices is a practical skill developed through cultural guidance.

e. If these Indigenous perspectives don’t fully align with your understanding, consider exploring Animism for a less culturally-specific approach to consciousness in the natural world.

Further Reading:

✧ INFORMATION-THEORETIC COSMOLOGY ✧

Information as ultimate building block of reality

Unlike materialist or consciousness-based frameworks, Information-Theoretic Cosmology recognizes information as the fundamental constituent of reality, with physical laws emerging from information constraints rather than being fundamental, and consciousness arising as a specific type of information processing.

Which information-theoretic perspective best captures your view?

a. It from Bit – Following physicist John Wheeler’s insight, you see information (“bit”) as more fundamental than matter (“it”). Physical reality emerges from the processing of binary distinctions (yes/no questions), with particles and forces being manifestations of underlying information patterns rather than fundamental substances.

b. Computational Universe – You understand the universe as fundamentally computational, with physical processes representing the execution of underlying algorithms. Unlike simulation theory, this doesn’t require an external programmer, as computation may be an intrinsic property of reality itself.

c. Entropic Gravity – You recognize that physical forces like gravity may be emergent consequences of information and entropy rather than fundamental forces. Following Erik Verlinde’s theories, you see space, time, and gravity as emergent properties of how information is organized rather than as base ingredients of reality.

d. Observer-Dependent Reality – You understand reality as fundamentally shaped by what can be observed and measured, with the limits of information transfer defining the structure of physics. The universe appears as it does because of constraints on how information can be processed, not because of fundamental substances or forces.

Further Reading:

✧ ISLAMIC PHILOSOPHICAL COSMOLOGY ✧

Universe continuously renewed through divine will

Unlike deistic views where God creates the universe and then withdraws, Islamic Philosophical Cosmology understands the universe as continuously sustained by divine will at every moment, with all existence depending entirely on God, and reality arranged in a meaningful hierarchy reflecting divine qualities.

Which Islamic philosophical perspective best describes your understanding?

a. Continuous Creation – You understand that the universe is not self-sustaining but exists through God’s ongoing creative act. You see reality as being recreated at every moment through divine will rather than continuing to exist on its own once initially created.

b. Dependent Existence – You recognize that all beings depend completely on God for their existence, deriving their reality from the only Being who exists independently. Unlike naturalistic views, this means nothing in the universe exists by its own nature but only through divine gift.

c. Divine Qualities in Creation – You see the cosmos as expressing divine qualities and attributes, with each created thing reflecting specific aspects of divine reality. The universe functions as a mirror through which God’s attributes become knowable, with human beings uniquely capable of reflecting all divine qualities.

d. Layered Reality – You understand existence as arranged in levels of being, from the visible material world to unseen spiritual realms, with different orders of celestial beings mediating between these dimensions. Human consciousness can potentially access multiple levels of this cosmic structure.

Further Reading:

✧ JAIN COSMOLOGY ✧

Multiple perspectives reveal complementary truths about reality

Unlike frameworks based on single truth claims, Jain Cosmology recognizes the many-sidedness of reality where multiple, seemingly contradictory perspectives can simultaneously be true, with the universe being eternal and uncreated, functioning through natural laws without requiring a creator.

Which aspect of Jain cosmology best reflects your understanding?

a. Many-Sided Reality – You recognize that reality is infinitely complex and can only be understood through multiple, complementary perspectives. You understand that seemingly contradictory viewpoints can each contain partial truths about the same reality when viewed from different angles. This is not “anything goes” relativism, but a structured approach to understanding complex truth.

b. Eternal Universe – You understand the cosmos as uncreated and endless, with no beginning or end, cycling through great cosmic time cycles. Matter, space, time, and souls are fundamental realities that rearrange themselves rather than being created or destroyed.

c. Multiple Realms – You recognize a specific cosmic structure with many levels of existence, including heavenly realms, our middle world, and lower realms. These different dimensions are home to various beings – from gods to humans to other life forms – all connected through the natural law of karma.

d. Universal Life – You see the entire universe as alive and aware to varying degrees, with even apparently lifeless elements having some form of consciousness. This understanding naturally leads to ethical principles of non-violence and careful living, since all things deserve moral consideration.

Further Reading:

✧ MULTIVERSE THEORY ✧

Our universe among many in larger structure

Unlike single-universe cosmologies, Multiverse Theory recognizes our universe as one among many in a larger cosmic structure, explaining fine-tuning and quantum peculiarities through scientific mechanisms rather than the supernatural frameworks of religious cosmologies or the technological ones of simulation theories.

Which multiverse concept aligns most closely with your understanding?

a. Quantum Many-Worlds – You believe every quantum event (like the measurement of a particle) creates branch universes where each possible outcome occurs. This means that for every decision or random event, all possibilities exist in some universe. This is the idea that reality continually splits into parallel versions whenever quantum events occur, creating countless branching timelines.

b. Cosmic Bubble Universes – You accept the model where our universe is one bubble in an eternally expanding space, with other universe “bubbles” having potentially different physical laws, constants, and dimensions. This is like multiple soap bubbles forming in cosmic foam, each bubble a separate universe with its own physics, possibly very different from our own.

c. Higher-Dimensional Branes – Based on string theory, you believe our universe exists on a membrane (“brane”) in higher-dimensional space, with other universes potentially existing on other branes that occasionally interact with ours. Think of this as pages in a book (each page a universe) that usually don’t touch, but sometimes can ripple and bump into each other.

d. Cyclical Universe – You believe our universe undergoes endless cycles of expansion and contraction (or similar rebirth patterns), with each cycle potentially having different properties, effectively creating a temporal multiverse. This is like a cosmic heartbeat of big bangs and big crunches, each cycle a universe with its own history and possibly different physical laws.

e. If these multiverse concepts don’t fit your cosmic understanding, explore Scientific Materialism for perspectives focused on our observable universe.

Further Reading:

✧ NEW AGE SPIRITUALISM ✧

Personal engagement with metaphysical energies and consciousness

Unlike dogmatic religious traditions, New Age Spiritualism embraces direct personal engagement with spiritual energies, consciousness transformation, and metaphysical practices drawn from multiple wisdom traditions, emphasizing individual experience and intuitive knowing over institutional authority.

Choose one or more of these New Age paths that resonate with your perspective.

a. Consciousness-Focused – You believe consciousness creates reality, with thoughts and intentions directly affecting the material world. Practices like the Law of Attraction, manifestation techniques, and visualization are central to your worldview.

b. Energy-Based – You focus on subtle energies, chakras, auras, and vibrational frequencies. You might work with crystal healing, Reiki, or other energy modalities, seeing reality as fundamentally vibrational in nature.

c. Evolutionary Consciousness – You believe humanity is evolving toward higher consciousness and greater spiritual awareness. We are in a planetary shift (like the Age of Aquarius), where collective awakening will transform society and our relationship with the cosmos.

d. Eclectic Synthesis – You draw from multiple spiritual traditions, ancient wisdom, and modern metaphysics, creating a personalized path. You value direct experience over dogma and believe in finding your own truth among many valid perspectives.

e. If these New Age approaches don’t quite fit your spiritual perspective, consider exploring Agnostic Spiritual Seeker, which maintains a similar openness but with more emphasis on intellectual inquiry.

Further Reading:

✧ NON-DUAL TRADITIONS ✧

Reality transcends subject-object division and conceptual thinking

Unlike frameworks that divide reality into categories, Non-Dual Traditions recognize that reality transcends ordinary subject-object thinking, pointing to direct insight beyond conceptual divisions as the path to truth.

Which approach to transcending dualistic thinking most resonates with your understanding?

a. Buddhist Emptiness – You recognize that all things lack independent existence and arise through interconnection. Through meditation and reflection, you experience how reality is empty of separate, solid objects. This realization frees you from attachment to fixed views, allowing you to experience reality beyond the false choices of “exists” or “doesn’t exist.”

b. Direct Experience Zen – You emphasize immediate experience beyond words and ideas. Your practice involves breaking through thought patterns through meditation and direct questioning. You find meaning in ordinary activities with complete presence, recognizing your true nature in moments when conceptual thinking falls away.

c. Unity of Self and Cosmos – You recognize that your deepest self and ultimate reality are fundamentally the same. The separation we experience is an illusion, and freedom comes through directly realizing “you are that” – the universe knowing itself through you. This approach sees the physical world as a surface appearance of deeper, unchanging reality.

d. Sacred Manifestation – You understand reality as the dynamic interplay of consciousness and energy, where the universe is awareness expressing itself. Through recognizing your true nature, you experience the world as inseparable from your awareness. This approach embraces the physical world as sacred, using ritual and embodied practices to realize divine presence within everyday experience.

e. Natural Harmony – You perceive the cosmos as the flowing balance of complementary forces that form an indivisible whole. This natural way cannot be captured in concepts but can be lived through simplicity and effortless action. By following nature’s patterns rather than imposing your will, you find harmony within constant change.

f. If none of these non-dual approaches resonate with you, consider exploring Consciousness-First perspectives, which offer more structured explanations while still seeing consciousness as fundamental.

Further Reading:

✧ PANENTHEISM ✧

Divine both permeates and transcends the universe

Unlike pantheism where God and the universe are identical, or traditional theism where God stands apart from creation, Panentheism recognizes that while the divine permeates everything in the universe, God also transcends it—the world exists within God, yet God is greater than the world.

Which understanding of panentheism most resonates with you?

a. Process Panentheism → Following Alfred North Whitehead’s vision of reality as dynamic process rather than static substance, you see God and the world in mutual becoming, with God including yet transcending the universe. God experiences the world and is affected by it, while still maintaining aspects beyond creation.

b. Emanationist Panentheism → You understand the cosmos as flowing from or emanating from divine reality while remaining within it. Creation unfolds in descending levels of reality (like light radiating from a source), with each level reflecting divine being according to its capacity while remaining connected to its source.

c. Participatory Panentheism → You see the universe as participating in divine reality through consciousness. Through contemplative awareness or mystical experience, beings can recognize their existence within God while acknowledging God’s transcendence, experiencing union without complete identity.

d. If these panentheistic frameworks don’t fit your understanding of divinity, consider exploring Non-Dual & Beyond-Concept Traditions for perspectives that transcend conceptual boundaries between God and world.

Further Reading:

✧ PANTHEISM ✧

Universe itself is sacred and divine

Unlike theistic perspectives that separate divinity from nature, Pantheism recognizes that the universe itself is divine and sacred, with no distinction between God and natural reality—divinity is directly experienced in the wonder, complexity, and interconnectedness of the cosmos itself.

Which form of pantheism best describes your view?

a. Classical Pantheism – Following Spinoza, you understand God and Nature as identical—there is only one fundamental reality which can be viewed either as “God” or as “Nature.” Everything that exists is an expression of this single divine substance. You see this not as atheism but as a profound recognition that the divine isn’t separate from the world but is the world’s very essence and being.

b. Scientific Pantheism – You find deep spiritual meaning in the universe as revealed by science, without adding supernatural elements. You experience awe contemplating cosmic evolution, natural beauty, and the elegant laws of physics. The actual universe we discover through observation and science is itself worthy of the reverence others direct toward supernatural beings. Your spirituality is grounded in reality rather than transcendent realms.

c. Monistic Pantheism – You understand all apparent diversity and multiplicity as ultimately a single unified reality. What appears as separate objects and beings are actually manifestations of one underlying divine substance. Individual existence is like waves on the ocean—seemingly distinct but actually inseparable from the whole. This perspective emphasizes unity beyond the illusory appearance of separation.

d. Organic Pantheism – You experience the universe as a living whole, like a cosmic organism with all parts interdependent and alive with divine presence. Rather than seeing the world as mechanical or accidental, you perceive it as inherently purposeful and alive, with every part contributing to the whole. This perspective emphasizes relationship, interconnection, and the sacred within all natural processes.

e. Mystical Pantheism – You have directly experienced moments of profound unity with all existence, dissolving the boundaries between self and world. These mystical experiences reveal that separation is an illusion—all is divine presence manifesting in countless forms. Your understanding comes not primarily from philosophical reasoning but from direct spiritual experience of oneness with nature and cosmos.

f. If none of these categories quite capture your perspective, explore Spiritual Naturalism for a more scientifically-oriented approach to finding meaning, or Panentheism if you sense the divine both within and beyond the natural world.

Further Reading:

✧ POLYTHEISM ✧

Multiple gods with distinct domains and personalities

Unlike monotheistic frameworks that reduce divine complexity to a single being, Polytheism recognizes multiple distinct gods with different domains and personalities who interact with humanity and each other in a rich tapestry of relationships that better reflects the diversity and complexity of existence.

Which polytheistic framework best reflects your understanding?

a. Classical Polytheism – You believe in multiple distinct deities with different domains, personalities, and powers, similar to ancient traditions like Greek, Norse, or Egyptian pantheons. These gods interact with each other and with humanity in complex ways.

b. Henotheism – While acknowledging many gods exist, you primarily worship or connect with one deity, perhaps as your patron or as particularly relevant to your life. Other gods are real but not the focus of your spiritual practice.

c. Reconstructionist Polytheism – You practice a revived form of ancient polytheistic religion, attempting to reconstruct historical worship practices while adapting them to contemporary life. You seek authentic connection to ancestral traditions and deities.

d. Hard Polytheism – You believe each deity is absolutely distinct, with separate consciousness, will, and essence. Gods are not archetypes or aspects of a single divine force but truly independent beings with their own agendas and personalities.

e. If these polytheistic frameworks don’t quite capture your perspective, consider exploring Animism, which shifts focus from gods to the spiritual nature of all things in the world around us.

Further Reading:

✧ SCIENTIFIC MATERIALISM ✧

Physical processes alone explain all phenomena

Unlike idealist or dualist perspectives, Scientific Materialism recognizes physical matter, energy, and their interactions as the most fundamental reality from which all phenomena—including consciousness—emerge through entirely natural processes without requiring immaterial substances or supernatural explanations.

Which form of scientific materialism best describes your perspective?

a. Reductive Materialism – You value the elegance and explanatory power of understanding all phenomena, including consciousness, as ultimately reducible to fundamental physical particles and forces. This empirically-grounded position has consistently advanced human knowledge by revealing the underlying physical mechanisms of increasingly complex systems, from chemical reactions to neural activity, without requiring additional non-physical elements.

b. Emergent Materialism – You recognize that while the universe is fundamentally physical, complex systems develop genuinely novel properties not predictable from analysis of their components alone. Consciousness, life, and social phenomena represent emergent levels of organization requiring their own descriptive frameworks. This nuanced position honors both the physical foundation of reality and the genuine novelty that arises at higher levels of complexity.

c. Pragmatic Instrumentalism – You see scientific theories as powerful tools for prediction and control rather than literal descriptions of an ultimate reality. The value of materialism lies in its extraordinary practical utility and predictive success, not in metaphysical claims about what “really” exists. This pragmatic approach sidesteps unresolvable metaphysical debates while maintaining the full practical power of scientific methodology.

d. Poetic Naturalism – Following Sean Carroll’s approach, you embrace multiple valid ways of talking about reality at different levels (physical, biological, psychological), all compatible with a fundamental physical world. These aren’t merely convenient fictions but genuine ways of capturing real patterns in nature that matter for different purposes. This layered approach provides a rich, scientifically grounded framework for understanding reality at multiple scales.

e. If these materialist frameworks don’t fully satisfy your understanding, consider exploring Spiritual Naturalism for approaches that find meaning in the natural world within a scientific framework.

Further Reading:

✧ SIMULATION HYPOTHESIS ✧

Reality as programmed environment created by advanced beings

Unlike traditional religious or naturalistic cosmologies, the Simulation Hypothesis recognizes our reality as a sophisticated digital or programmed environment created by more advanced beings, explaining apparent fine-tuning and peculiarities of quantum physics better than conventional frameworks.

Which version of the simulation hypothesis best matches your thinking?

a. Technological Simulation – You believe our reality is a computer simulation created by an advanced civilization (perhaps our own descendants). Unlike spiritual Matrix views, this is a scientific/technological hypothesis about how the universe works, not a spiritual claim about liberation from an oppressive illusion.

b. Divine Simulation – You see the simulation as created by a god-like entity, making this perspective similar to certain religious views but framed in technological terms. The “programmer” serves a role analogous to God in traditional theology.

c. Nested Realities – You suspect we exist in just one level of many nested simulations, with simulators themselves being simulated. Reality consists of worlds within worlds, with no clear “base reality” accessible to us.

d. Conscious Simulation – You believe the simulation isn’t computational but consciously generated—more like a vast shared dream or mental construct than a computer program. Reality emerges from consciousness rather than from code. While this shares elements with Consciousness-First cosmologies, the key difference is that you believe this conscious creation has the specific structure and purpose of a simulation created by other beings, rather than being the natural expression of universal consciousness with no designer or creator behind it.

e. If none of these simulation perspectives capture your understanding, consider exploring Gnosticism/Esoteric Dualism for similar ideas about illusory reality but in spiritual terms.

Further Reading:

✧ SPIRITUAL NATURALISM ✧

Finding meaning within natural processes without supernatural elements

Unlike supernatural worldviews, Spiritual Naturalism finds profound meaning, wonder, and value within the natural universe as revealed by science, recognizing that spiritual experiences like awe, connection, and transcendence emerge from natural processes rather than requiring divine intervention.

Which approach to finding spiritual meaning within a natural universe best represents your view?

a. Scientific Spirituality – You find profound spiritual meaning in scientific understanding itself, experiencing awe and wonder through cosmology, evolution, and natural processes. You see the scientific narrative of the universe—from the Big Bang to the emergence of life and consciousness—as a sacred story that connects us to something larger than ourselves, without requiring supernatural elements.

b. Naturalistic Buddhism – You embrace Buddhist insights and practices while interpreting them in naturalistic terms. You see concepts like impermanence, non-self, and causality as empirical realities rather than metaphysical claims. You might interpret karma as psychological patterns and rebirth as moment-to-moment change rather than literal reincarnation. Meditation serves as a practical tool for understanding mind patterns and fostering well-being rather than achieving supernatural states.

c. Philosophical Naturalism – You find meaning, value, and purpose within a fully natural cosmos through philosophical reflection. Following thinkers like Spinoza or the Stoics, you see ethical development and rational understanding as spiritual practices in themselves. You might describe your approach as “rational spirituality” or “ethical naturalism,” recognizing that profound values like love, justice, and beauty emerge naturally from the universe without requiring divine origins.

d. Embodied Spirituality – You experience spirituality primarily through the body and its connection to the natural world. Your practice might include movement, dance, wilderness experiences, or somatic awareness as pathways to transcendence and meaning. You find that direct physical experience of being alive in the natural world provides a form of spiritual nourishment that doesn’t require supernatural beliefs.

e. Naturalistic Taoism – You appreciate the Taoist emphasis on harmony with natural processes, the balance of complementary forces, and the wisdom of non-action (wu-wei). Unlike Traditional Daoist Cosmology, you interpret these principles as naturalistic insights rather than metaphysical truths. You see the Tao not as a cosmic reality beyond the physical world, but as a powerful metaphor for patterns and processes within nature that science reveals. Your practice focuses on aligning with natural rhythms and applying Taoist wisdom within a scientific worldview that doesn’t require supernatural elements or energetic dimensions. You value Taoist concepts for their practical insights into living well rather than their traditional cosmological implications.

f. If none of these categories quite fit, check out the section on Pantheism, which offers a more explicitly divine framing of natural wonder.

Further Reading:

✧ THEISTIC EVOLUTION ✧

God creates through evolutionary processes

Unlike both purely materialistic evolution and literal creationism, Theistic Evolution recognizes God as the ultimate creator while embracing scientific discoveries about evolutionary processes. This perspective sees evolution as God’s chosen method of creation, resolving apparent conflicts between science and faith.

Which approach to integrating divine purpose with evolutionary science resonates most with you?

a. Divine Natural Processes – You understand God as creating through natural evolutionary processes rather than instantaneous acts. You see science as describing “how” while faith explains “why” and “who.” The ancient universe, common descent, and natural selection all reflect God’s elegant method of creation and don’t conflict with divine purpose.

b. Guided Development – You recognize that God intervened at key moments throughout Earth’s long history. While accepting the universe’s ancient age and most scientific findings, you believe that certain critical developments—especially human consciousness—required specific divine guidance beyond random natural processes.

c. Purposeful Direction – You see evolution as moving purposefully toward greater complexity, consciousness, and spiritual capacity. Rather than a random process, you understand evolution as a directed journey with humanity as a crucial stage in creation’s development toward greater communion with God—an unfolding plan with spiritual meaning.

d. Continuous Creation – You understand God’s creative activity as ongoing rather than completed in the distant past. Divine creativity works through evolutionary processes at every moment, with God sustaining and guiding creation’s development in a continual relationship. Each new species and adaptation reflects God’s ongoing creative presence.

e. If these perspectives don’t fully capture your view, consider exploring Panentheism, which offers a more integrated vision of God as both within and beyond creation.

Further Reading:

✧ TRADITIONAL AFRICAN COSMOLOGIES ✧

Multiple, intersecting realms where ancestors, spirits and living beings continuously interact

Unlike Western frameworks that separate spiritual and material reality, Traditional African Cosmologies recognize multiple, intersecting realms of existence where ancestors, spirits, and living beings continuously interact through ritual practices, divination systems, and community relationships.

Which aspect of Traditional African cosmology most resonates with your understanding?

a. Community-Ancestral Connection – You see reality as fundamentally relational, with ancestors actively participating in present community life. Unlike Western notions of death as final separation, you understand ancestors as accessible guides whose wisdom can be consulted through various ritual means. Reality is upheld through proper relationships between the living, the ancestors, and other spiritual entities.

b. Cyclical-Sacred Time – You experience time as cyclical rather than linear, with cosmic patterns manifesting through seasonal ceremonies, divination systems, and initiation rites. Past, present, and future exist in dynamic relationship rather than as separate categories. Sacred times allow direct contact between visible and invisible aspects of reality.

c. Divination-Based Causality – You recognize that visible events have invisible causes that can be discerned through divination systems (such as Ifá, throwing the bones, or other traditional methods). These systems don’t merely predict events but reveal the underlying spiritual dynamics and relationships that shape material reality. Problems in the visible world reflect disruptions in spiritual relationships.

d. Vitality-Force Cosmology – You understand the universe as animated by a vital force or energy (known as àse, nyama, or similar concepts across different African traditions) that flows through all beings. The cultivation, balance, and proper channeling of this force is central to maintaining cosmic harmony and personal wellbeing.

Further Reading:

✧ TRADITIONAL DAOIST COSMOLOGY ✧

Reality spontaneously emerging from emptiness through natural principles and complementary forces

Unlike creation-centered frameworks that posit a divine creator, Traditional Daoist Cosmology sees reality as spontaneously emerging from Wu (emptiness/void) through natural principles, with change occurring through the complementary interplay of yin and yang forces rather than through external intervention.

Which aspect of Daoist cosmology best describes your view?

a. Natural Process & Spontaneity – You understand the universe as self-generating (ziran) rather than created. Reality continuously emerges from Wu (emptiness/void) without requiring a creator, with existence and non-existence generating each other. The Dao doesn’t create the world but is the natural process through which reality unfolds. You believe the optimal approach to existence is “non-action” (wu-wei) – not passivity, but action aligned with the natural flow of reality rather than forcing artificial patterns. Reality functions best when beings act in accordance with their inner nature (xing) rather than through external control.

b. Pattern Correspondence & Complementarity – You see all aspects of reality as expressions of complementary, mutually-generating forces (yin and yang). Unlike dualistic frameworks that see opposites as conflicting, you understand apparent opposites as interdependent aspects of a unified whole that continuously transform into each other. You also recognize human beings as “small universes” (xiao tian-di) that mirror the patterns of the larger cosmos, with practices like internal alchemy, feng shui, and traditional medicine based on aligning personal energetic patterns with cosmic ones.

c. Integral Cultivation – You embrace a holistic approach to Daoist practice that integrates philosophical understanding, energetic cultivation, ritual engagement, and practical embodiment. You recognize the importance of both internal cultivation through meditation and external alignment through ceremony and community practice. You view Daoist arts (calligraphy, martial arts, tea ceremony, poetry) as embodied expressions of cosmic principles that allow direct participation in the Dao beyond intellectual understanding.

Further Reading:

✧ UNCONVENTIONAL SKEPTIC ✧

Questioning established explanations while remaining open to multiple alternative possibilities

Unlike those who either accept mainstream narratives or commit to specific alternative theories, Unconventional Skeptics question established explanations while remaining open to multiple possibilities, recognizing patterns of institutional deception without limiting inquiry to any single alternative framework.

Which aspect of alternative thinking best describes your approach?

a. Hidden History Researcher – You focus on investigating suppressed or alternative historical narratives, believing significant events or civilizations have been omitted from mainstream accounts.

b. Alternative Physics Explorer – You question fundamental scientific paradigms, suspecting that alternative energy technologies, gravity manipulation, or consciousness-based physical phenomena are possible but suppressed.

c. Conspiracy Analyst – You examine potential hidden power structures and deliberate manipulations of public information, looking for patterns that suggest coordinated deception across institutions.

d. Open Skeptic – You maintain a stance of questioning both mainstream and alternative explanations, recognizing the limits of human knowledge and the provisional nature of all explanations. You remain open to new evidence while being cautious about claims that exceed what can be reliably known.

e. If this skeptical stance doesn’t quite uncover the approach you’re looking for, consider exploring Agnostic Spiritual Seeker for a similar openness but with more focus on spiritual growth and less on challenging established narratives.

Further Reading:

✧ YOUNG EARTH CREATIONISM ✧

Upholding the integrity of scriptural accounts of Earth’s recent creation

Unlike frameworks that accommodate evolutionary timeframes, Young Earth Creationism upholds the integrity of scriptural accounts by recognizing Earth’s recent creation (typically 6,000-10,000 years ago) as revealed in divine revelation rather than reinterpreting these texts to match scientific consensus.

Which of these best describes your perspective on young Earth creationism?

a. Biblical Literalism – You believe in a strict, literal reading of Genesis as God’s inerrant word, with Earth being approximately 6,000-10,000 years old, created in six 24-hour days. You see apparent scientific evidence for an older Earth (like radiometric dating or distant starlight) as either flawed due to incorrect assumptions or created “with age” by God as part of His perfect design.

b. Appearance of Age Theory – You believe God created the universe recently with a fully-functioning, mature appearance, just as Adam was created as an adult rather than an infant. The entire cosmos was created with a “history” already built in for functional and theological purposes, reflecting God’s wisdom and sovereignty.

c. Catastrophism – You believe Earth is young, but its geology has been dramatically shaped by catastrophic events (especially Noah’s global Flood), which explain phenomena like the fossil record, geological strata, and features that mainstream scientists wrongly attribute to long ages. This framework provides a scientifically coherent alternative to uniformitarian geology that remains faithful to scripture.

d. If these perspectives don’t quite align with your beliefs, consider exploring Theistic Evolution which allows for a much older Earth while still maintaining God’s central role in creation.

Further Reading:

Results

Based on your answers to the questions in both steps, you now have a refined understanding of your cosmological worldview relative to other possibilities. Your answers have led you to one of over 50 specific cosmological perspectives that capture the nuances of how you understand the nature of reality.

✧ COSMIC CROSSROADS: WHERE WORLDVIEWS BLEND ✧

Most people don’t fit perfectly into a single cosmological box. Here are some common ways people combine different perspectives:

  1. Scientific Framework with Spiritual Meaning
  2. Traditional Religion with Modern Science
  3. Indigenous or Traditional Frameworks with Contemporary Practice
  4. Consciousness-Based Reality with Practical Ethics
  5. Skeptical Openness

Your cosmology represents your fundamental assumptions about the universe—its origins, composition, purpose (if any), and your place within it. These beliefs, whether religious, scientific, philosophical, or a blend of traditions, shape how you interpret experiences and make meaning in your life.

Remember that views often evolve throughout life. The categories presented here aren’t rigid boxes but useful frameworks for understanding different ways humans make sense of existence.

What’s most important isn’t which label fits you, but the ongoing journey of cosmological thinking itself—the human endeavor to comprehend our astonishing universe and our place within it.

Share your thoughts

I’m curious to know if this questionnaire helped illuminate your cosmological perspective, or if it missed important nuances that you feel are significant. These worldviews aren’t mutually exclusive (many people blend elements of several), but if there’s a key element of your cosmology that should be more directly represented here, please share your thoughts!

To explore further:

Consider how your cosmological perspective influences your:

You might also explore traditions or thinkers aligned with your results, or engage respectfully with those holding different cosmologies to broaden your understanding.

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It’s not meant to be a comprehensive survey of all possible cosmologies, but rather a tool to help you identify your own cosmology and perhaps to spark a fun conversation with others.STEP 1: Identify your beliefs about the nature of reality at a high levelStart at Question 1. Follow the instructions after each answer until you reach your initial cosmology. Then proceed to Step 2 to refine your result.1. Which statement best captures your beliefs about the fundamental nature of reality? Reality is the creation of one supreme being → go to Question 2. Reality involves the interaction of multiple gods or spiritual entities → go to Question 3. Reality, God, the supreme being, Source, the universe, etc are all synonyms for the same thing → Continue to refine by going to Pantheism in Step 2. Reality consists primarily of physical processes and natural laws → go to Question 5. Reality is primarily consciousness or mind, not physical matter → go to Question 4. None of the above, but reality does have accessible metaphysical energies or supernatural forces that go beyond what can be strictly defined as natural → go to Question 6. None of the above, but I do have beliefs about reality that differ significantly from mainstream scientific or religious consensus → go to Question 11. I don’t really have any strong beliefs about the nature of reality → go to Question 12.2. Which best describes your view of the supreme being’s relationship to the universe? The supreme being exists entirely separate from creation → go to Question 7. The universe exists within the supreme being, who both permeates and transcends it → Continue to refine by going to Panentheism in Step 2. The supreme being created the universe but is no longer involved → Continue to refine by going to Deism in Step 2.3. What kind of gods or spirits primarily influence the world? Multiple deities or gods → Continue to refine by going to Polytheism in Step 2. Nature spirits exist in all things (animals, plants, mountains, etc.) → Continue to refine by going to Animism in Step 2.4. How would you characterize the relationship between consciousness and reality? Consciousness is the foundation from which all physical reality appears Like a screen on which all movies appear—the screen exists independently of any particular movie and is more fundamental than the images → Continue to refine by going to Consciousness-First Cosmology in Step 2. The apparent separation between self and world is an illusion; reality is unified beyond concepts Like waves and water—not two separate things, just different ways of experiencing the same reality. The wave isn’t created by the water; it is the water in motion. → Continue to refine by going to Non-Dual & Beyond-Concept Traditions in Step 2. The entire universe is divine or sacred in nature Like a cosmic mind dreaming or thinking the universe, where everything that exists is a divine thought or idea within universal intelligence → Continue to refine by going to Pantheism in Step 2. Reality is a vast web of relationships between all beings (human and non-human) in a living system where place, ceremony, and ancestral knowledge are central, requiring respect and reciprocity. → Continue to refine by going to Indigenous Relational Worldview in Step 2. The physical world conceals or distracts from a higher spiritual reality Like being trapped in a convincing virtual reality created by a flawed programmer, with liberation requiring awakening to the deception. → Continue to refine by going to Gnosticism/Esoteric Dualism in Step 2.5. Do you generally trust mainstream science on the fundamental nature and history of the universe (e.g. Big Bang ~13.8 billion years ago, Earth is a globe orbiting the Sun)? Yes, and I believe physical processes operate without the need for supernatural meaning to be applied → go to Question 8. Yes, and I find spiritual meaning within the natural world → Continue to refine by going to Spiritual Naturalism in Step 2. No → go to Question 11.6. Which approach to accessing metaphysical energies resonates with you the most? Energy healing, astrology, manifesting with intention, crystal work, etc. → Continue to refine by going to New Age Spiritualism in Step 2. I’m exploring various spiritual paths while maintaining healthy skepticism → Continue to refine by going to Agnostic Spiritual Seeker in Step 2.7. Which best describes your view of God’s relationship to creation? God created the universe according to literal scriptural accounts (e.g., in 6 days, or only a few thousand years ago) → Continue to refine by going to Young Earth Creationism in Step 2. God works through natural processes like evolution, while remaining separate from creation** → Continue to refine by going to Theistic Evolution in Step 2.8. Do you believe that we likely live in an artificial simulation or experiment created by more technologically-advanced beings? Yes → Continue to refine by going to Simulation Hypothesis in Step 2. No → go to Question 10.10. Do you believe our universe is just one of many universes (part of a larger Multiverse)? Yes → Continue to refine by going to Multiverse Theory in Step 2. No → Continue to refine by going to Scientific Materialism in Step 2.11. Which of the following perspectives do you align with most? Pick the closest match. - Flat Earth/Geocentrism – You reject the globe model and believe Earth is flat or the unmoving center of the universe, with mainstream astronomy being a deception. → Continue to refine by going to Flat Earth Conspiracy in Step 2. - Ancient Aliens – *You believe extraterrestrials visited Earth in antiquity and shaped human civilization, with humanity’s past and possibly our origins being interwoven with advanced alien species. → Continue to refine by going to Ancient Astronaut Theory in Step 2. - None of the above – You’re skeptical of mainstream narratives about reality but don’t commit to any one alternative theory, preferring to question established explanations while remaining open to multiple possibilities. → Continue to refine by going to Unconventional Skeptic in Step 2.12. [Add instructions here acknowledging this perspective as valid, and gently suggesting that they go back to question 1 and take a path “just for fun” to see if anything resonates.]If you’ve been directed to Step 2, proceed to the next section to refine your cosmology!STEP 2: Refine your initial cosmologyCongratulations! You’ve identified your initial cosmology from a broad range of possibilities. If you feel your initial result doesn’t match your beliefs, feel free to go back to Question 1 and try a different path. If it feels generally correct, find your cosmology below and answer one final question to pinpoint your precise view of the cosmos.Young Earth CreationismUnlike frameworks that accommodate evolutionary timeframes, Young Earth Creationism upholds the integrity of scriptural accounts by recognizing Earth’s recent creation (typically 6,000-10,000 years ago) as revealed in divine revelation rather than reinterpreting these texts to match scientific consensus.Which of these best describes your perspective on young Earth creationism?a. Biblical Literalism – You believe in a strict, literal reading of Genesis as God’s inerrant word, with Earth being approximately 6,000-10,000 years old, created in six 24-hour days. You see apparent scientific evidence for an older Earth (like radiometric dating or distant starlight) as either flawed due to incorrect assumptions or created “with age” by God as part of His perfect design.b. Appearance of Age Theory – You believe God created the universe recently with a fully-functioning, mature appearance, just as Adam was created as an adult rather than an infant. The entire cosmos was created with a “history” already built in for functional and theological purposes, reflecting God’s wisdom and sovereignty.c. Catastrophism – You believe Earth is young, but its geology has been dramatically shaped by catastrophic events (especially Noah’s global Flood), which explain phenomena like the fossil record, geological strata, and features that mainstream scientists wrongly attribute to long ages. This framework provides a scientifically coherent alternative to uniformitarian geology that remains faithful to scripture.Theistic EvolutionWhile maintaining that God purposefully created life (unlike purely materialistic evolution), Theistic Evolution sees natural processes like evolution as God’s method of creation, avoiding both the scriptural literalism of Young Earth Creationism and the divine detachment of Deism.Which aspect of theistic evolution resonates most with you?a. Evolutionary Creationism – You believe God created through natural processes, with evolution being God’s method of creating biological diversity. Science describes “how” while faith explains “why” and “who.” You see no conflict between well-established scientific findings and belief in divine purpose.b. Progressive Creation – You believe God intervened at key moments in Earth’s history, particularly to create new “kinds” of life or to guide evolution at critical junctures. While accepting the universe’s ancient age, you may be skeptical of some evolutionary mechanisms being sufficient without divine guidance.c. Teilhardian Evolution – Following Pierre Teilhard de Chardin’s vision, you see evolution as a divinely guided process moving toward greater complexity and consciousness, ultimately culminating in the “Omega Point” where creation reaches divine unification. Evolution has a spiritual direction, not just a material explanation.DeismUnlike traditions that emphasize ongoing divine intervention, Deism recognizes that the supreme being established perfect natural laws at creation and then stepped back, allowing the universe to unfold according to these rational principles without requiring miracles or supernatural disruptions.Which form of deism best represents your view?a. Classical Deism – You believe God created the universe with perfectly designed natural laws and then stepped back, letting it run like a cosmic clock. God neither intervenes nor desires worship; reason and observation of nature are the paths to understanding the Creator.b. Modern Deism – While you believe a creator initiated the universe, you’re open to limited divine interaction or periods of involvement. You might accept ideas like a creator who occasionally fine-tunes cosmic parameters or who evolves along with creation.c. Scientific Deism – You see the fundamental laws and constants of physics as evidence of design, particularly their fine-tuning that permits life. Your concept of God is more abstract—perhaps as the ground of mathematics or the source of natural law—rather than a personal being.PolytheismUnlike monotheistic frameworks that reduce divine complexity to a single being, Polytheism recognizes multiple distinct gods with different domains and personalities who interact with humanity and each other in a rich tapestry of relationships that better reflects the diversity and complexity of existence.Which polytheistic framework best reflects your understanding?a. Classical Polytheism – You believe in multiple distinct deities with different domains, personalities, and powers, similar to ancient traditions like Greek, Norse, or Egyptian pantheons. These gods interact with each other and with humanity in complex ways.b. Henotheism – While acknowledging many gods exist, you primarily worship or connect with one deity, perhaps as your patron or as particularly relevant to your life. Other gods are real but not the focus of your spiritual practice.c. Reconstructionist Polytheism – You practice a revived form of ancient polytheistic religion, attempting to reconstruct historical worship practices while adapting them to contemporary life. You seek authentic connection to ancestral traditions and deities.d. Hard Polytheism – You believe each deity is absolutely distinct, with separate consciousness, will, and essence. Gods are not archetypes or aspects of a single divine force but truly independent beings with their own agendas and personalities.AnimismUnlike perspectives that see consciousness as exclusive to humans or that separate spirit from matter, Animism recognizes that consciousness, personhood, or spiritual essence dwells within all natural entities (animals, plants, mountains, rivers), creating a community of beings deserving moral consideration and relationship.Which animistic perspective best captures your worldview?a. Traditional Animism – You believe all things (animals, plants, rocks, rivers, weather systems) possess spirits, consciousness, or personhood, forming a community of beings with agency beyond humans. Proper relationships with these beings involve respect, reciprocity, and ritual acknowledgment.b. Neo-Animism – You’ve developed a contemporary animistic practice that recognizes consciousness or personhood in natural entities, perhaps blending traditional ideas with modern ecological awareness, phenomenology, or systems thinking.c. Panpsychism – You believe consciousness is a fundamental feature of the universe, present to some degree in all things, even at the subatomic level. Unlike idealist views that see matter as emergent from consciousness, panpsychism maintains that consciousness is an intrinsic property of matter itself, varying in complexity and expression across the physical spectrum.PanentheismUnlike pantheism where God and the universe are identical, or traditional theism where God stands apart from creation, Panentheism recognizes that while the divine permeates everything in the universe, God also transcends it—the world exists within God, yet God is greater than the world.Which understanding of panentheism most resonates with you?a. Process Panentheism → Following Alfred North Whitehead’s vision of reality as dynamic process rather than static substance, you see God and the world in mutual becoming, with God including yet transcending the universe. God experiences the world and is affected by it, while still maintaining aspects beyond creation.b. Emanationist Panentheism → You understand the cosmos as flowing from or emanating from divine reality while remaining within it. Creation unfolds in descending levels of reality (like light radiating from a source), with each level reflecting divine being according to its capacity while remaining connected to its source.c. Participatory Panentheism → You see the universe as participating in divine reality through consciousness. Through contemplative awareness or mystical experience, beings can recognize their existence within God while acknowledging God’s transcendence, experiencing union without complete identity.PantheismUnlike theistic perspectives that separate divinity from nature, Pantheism recognizes that the universe itself is divine and sacred, with no distinction between God and natural reality—divinity is directly experienced in the wonder, complexity, and interconnectedness of the cosmos itself.Which form of pantheism best describes your view?a. Classical Pantheism – Following Spinoza, you believe God and Nature are identical—there is only one substance which can be called either “God” or “Nature.” Everything that exists is a mode or expression of this single divine reality.b. Scientific Pantheism – You revere the universe and nature as revealed by science, finding spiritual fulfillment in contemplating cosmic evolution, natural beauty, and the laws of physics, without supernatural beliefs. The universe itself is worthy of reverence.c. Monistic Pantheism – You believe all apparent diversity and multiplicity are ultimately illusory; there is only one reality, and that reality is divine. Individual existence is a kind of dream or misperception of the fundamental oneness.d. If none of these categories quite fit, check out the section on Spiritual Naturalism.New Age SpiritualismUnlike dogmatic religious traditions, New Age Spiritualism embraces direct personal engagement with spiritual energies, consciousness transformation, and metaphysical practices drawn from multiple wisdom traditions, emphasizing individual experience and intuitive knowing over institutional authority.Choose one or more of these New Age paths that resonate with your perspective.a. Consciousness-Focused – You believe consciousness creates reality, with thoughts and intentions directly affecting the material world. Practices like the Law of Attraction, manifestation techniques, and visualization are central to your worldview.b. Energy-Based – You focus on subtle energies, chakras, auras, and vibrational frequencies. You might work with crystal healing, Reiki, or other energy modalities, seeing reality as fundamentally vibrational in nature.c. Evolutionary Consciousness – You believe humanity is evolving toward higher consciousness and greater spiritual awareness. We are in a planetary shift (like the Age of Aquarius), where collective awakening will transform society and our relationship with the cosmos.d. Eclectic Synthesis – You draw from multiple spiritual traditions, ancient wisdom, and modern metaphysics, creating a personalized path. You value direct experience over dogma and believe in finding your own truth among many valid perspectives.Spiritual NaturalismUnlike supernatural worldviews, Spiritual Naturalism finds profound meaning, wonder, and value within the natural universe as revealed by science, recognizing that spiritual experiences like awe, connection, and transcendence emerge from natural processes rather than requiring divine intervention.Which approach to finding spiritual meaning within a natural universe best represents your view?a. Scientific Spirituality – You find profound spiritual meaning in scientific understanding itself, experiencing awe and wonder through cosmology, evolution, and natural processes. You see the scientific narrative of the universe—from the Big Bang to the emergence of life and consciousness—as a sacred story that connects us to something larger than ourselves, without requiring supernatural elements.b. Naturalistic Buddhism – You embrace Buddhist insights and practices while interpreting them in naturalistic terms. You see concepts like impermanence, non-self, and causality as empirical realities rather than metaphysical claims. You might interpret karma as psychological patterns and rebirth as moment-to-moment change rather than literal reincarnation. Meditation serves as a practical tool for understanding mind patterns and fostering well-being rather than achieving supernatural states.c. Philosophical Naturalism – You find meaning, value, and purpose within a fully natural cosmos through philosophical reflection. Following thinkers like Spinoza or the Stoics, you see ethical development and rational understanding as spiritual practices in themselves. You might describe your approach as “rational spirituality” or “ethical naturalism,” recognizing that profound values like love, justice, and beauty emerge naturally from the universe without requiring divine origins.d. Embodied Spirituality – You experience spirituality primarily through the body and its connection to the natural world. Your practice might include movement, dance, wilderness experiences, or somatic awareness as pathways to transcendence and meaning. You find that direct physical experience of being alive in the natural world provides a form of spiritual nourishment that doesn’t require supernatural beliefs.e. Naturalistic Taoism – You appreciate the Taoist emphasis on harmony with natural processes, the balance of complementary forces, and the wisdom of non-action (wu-wei). Rather than viewing the Tao as a metaphysical force, you see it as a powerful metaphor for the patterns and processes of nature. Your practice focuses on aligning with natural rhythms and finding wisdom in the natural world without supernatural elements.d. If none of these categories quite fit, check out the section on Pantheism.Non-Dual & Beyond-Concept TraditionsUnlike frameworks that operate within conceptual boundaries, Non-Dual & Beyond-Concept Traditions recognize that reality transcends ordinary dualistic thinking and language-based understanding, pointing to direct insight beyond the subject-object divide as the path to ultimate truth.Which approach to transcending dualistic thinking and conceptual frameworks most resonates with your understanding?a. Buddhist Emptiness Approach – You recognize that all phenomena lack inherent existence (svabhāva) and arise interdependently. You use philosophical analysis and meditation to reveal how apparent reality is empty of independent existence. Through realizing emptiness, you find freedom from attachment to fixed views, experiencing reality beyond the extremes of existence and non-existence.b. Direct Experience Zen/Chan – You emphasize immediate, direct experience of reality beyond words and concepts. Your practice involves breaking through dualistic thinking through meditation, koans, and spontaneous awareness. You find the sacred in ordinary activities with complete presence, recognizing your original nature in sudden moments of insight when conceptual thinking drops away.c. Vedantic Non-Dualism – You recognize that Brahman (ultimate reality) and Atman (your true self) are fundamentally identical. The apparent plurality and separateness we experience is maya (cosmic illusion), and liberation comes through directly realizing “Tat Tvam Asi” (That Thou Art). This approach emphasizes the illusory nature of the manifest world and physical existence, seeking transcendence through knowledge and meditation that reveals the unchanging reality behind appearances.d. Tantric Non-Dualism – You understand reality as the dynamic play of consciousness (Shiva) and energy (Shakti), where the universe is consciousness expressing and knowing itself. Through recognition of your true nature, you experience the world as inseparable from your own awareness. Unlike Vedantic approaches that may view the world as illusion to transcend, Tantric non-dualism embraces the physical world as sacred manifestation, using ritual, embodied practices, and energy work to realize the divine within everyday experience rather than beyond it.e. Taoist Harmony – You perceive the cosmos as the natural flow of complementary forces (yin and yang) that form an indivisible whole. The Tao cannot be grasped conceptually but can be aligned with through naturalness and non-action (wu-wei). By transcending dualistic thinking and following the way of nature, you find harmony within the ever-changing patterns of existence.f. Contemporary Non-Dualism – Influenced by various traditions but without their historical-cultural elements, you focus on the direct recognition that awareness is not personal but universal, and that all apparent separation is conceptual. Your approach emphasizes practical insights that dissolve the subject-object division in everyday experience, seeing through the illusion of a separate self without elaborate metaphysical frameworks.Gnosticism/Esoteric DualismUnlike conventional religious approaches, Gnostic and Esoteric traditions recognize that the physical world is a flawed creation or illusion that conceals higher spiritual reality, with liberation coming through acquiring secret knowledge (gnosis) rather than through faith or standard religious practice.Which form of Gnostic or dualistic thought resonates most with you?a. Classical Gnosticism – You believe the material world was created by an imperfect or malevolent Demiurge, not the true God. The divine spark within humans is trapped in matter, and salvation comes through secret knowledge (gnosis) of your divine origins.b. Philosophical Dualism – You see reality as fundamentally divided between mind/spirit and matter, or between good and evil principles. These opposing forces exist in tension, and spiritual progress involves aligning with higher principles against lower ones.c. Modern Matrix Skepticism – You suspect everyday reality is a sophisticated illusion or control system hiding a more fundamental reality. Unlike the Simulation Hypothesis which proposes technological creators running a computer simulation for research or entertainment, Matrix Skepticism sees our false reality as spiritually oppressive or metaphysically deceptive, with liberation requiring spiritual awakening rather than scientific understanding.Agnostic Spiritual SeekerUnlike those committed to specific metaphysical frameworks, Agnostic Spiritual Seekers pursue meaningful growth and understanding while acknowledging the inherent uncertainty of ultimate claims, valuing direct experience and practical wisdom over fixed doctrine or dogma.Which approach to spiritual seeking best describes your path?a. Mystical Agnosticism – You believe in ineffable spiritual reality beyond human comprehension. You value direct mystical experience over doctrine and remain open to moments of transcendence while acknowledging the limitations of language and concepts in capturing the divine.b. Pragmatic Spirituality – You focus on what “works” experientially, valuing practices and ideas that produce positive transformation in your life, regardless of their metaphysical truth claims. Your spirituality is practical and results-oriented.c. Philosophical Spirituality – You approach spiritual questions through philosophical inquiry, valuing rigorous thinking about ultimate reality while remaining open to mystery. You might draw from existentialism, phenomenology, or perennial philosophy.d. Transitional Seeking – You’re actively exploring multiple traditions and perspectives, intentionally maintaining uncertainty as you investigate different paths. You see your current agnosticism as a journey rather than a destination.Simulation HypothesisUnlike traditional religious or naturalistic cosmologies, the Simulation Hypothesis recognizes our reality as a sophisticated digital or programmed environment created by more advanced beings, explaining apparent fine-tuning and peculiarities of quantum physics better than conventional frameworks.Which version of the simulation hypothesis best matches your thinking?a. Technological Simulation – You believe our reality is a computer simulation created by an advanced civilization (perhaps our own descendants). Unlike spiritual Matrix views, this is a scientific/technological hypothesis about how the universe works, not a spiritual claim about liberation from an oppressive illusion.b. Divine Simulation – You see the simulation as created by a god-like entity, making this perspective similar to certain religious views but framed in technological terms. The “programmer” serves a role analogous to God in traditional theology.c. Nested Realities – You suspect we exist in just one level of many nested simulations, with simulators themselves being simulated. Reality consists of worlds within worlds, with no clear “base reality” accessible to us.d. Conscious Simulation – You believe the simulation isn’t computational but consciously generated—more like a vast shared dream or mental construct than a computer program. Reality emerges from consciousness rather than from code. While this shares elements with Consciousness-First cosmologies, the key difference is that you believe this conscious creation has the specific structure and purpose of a simulation created by other beings, rather than being the natural expression of universal consciousness with no designer or creator behind it.Consciousness-FirstUnlike materialist views where mind emerges from matter, Consciousness-First approaches recognize consciousness as the fundamental reality from which physical phenomena appear or manifest, and unlike panpsychism, they see matter itself as an appearance within consciousness rather than its bearer.Note: Consciousness-First cosmologies differ from Conscious Simulation views in that they don’t posit our reality as being specifically designed as a simulation or created by other beings. Rather, they see physical reality as the natural expression or appearance of consciousness itself without requiring creators, designers, or simulators.Which perspective on consciousness as fundamental best represents your view?a. Yogācāra Buddhism – You understand consciousness as having eight aspects, including store-consciousness (ālaya-vijñāna) that contains the seeds of all phenomena. The apparent external world is a manifestation of mind, not separate from it. This scholarly, philosophical Buddhist approach analyzes the structures of consciousness, emphasizing that we only ever experience our mental representations, not an independent external world.b. Vajrayana Luminosity – You experience reality as the inseparable unity of emptiness and luminous awareness. Through tantric practices, you directly realize the nature of mind as primordially pure, spontaneously present, and unobstructed. This experiential Tibetan Buddhist approach emphasizes transformative practices rather than philosophical analysis, using visualization, mantra, and energy work to realize consciousness as fundamental.c. Analytical Idealism – You understand the universe as the extrinsic appearance of processes in universal consciousness. Individual minds are “dissociated alters” of this cosmic mind, similar to how multiple personalities can emerge within one psyche. This view resolves paradoxes of consciousness while remaining compatible with scientific evidence.d. Quantum Idealism – You recognize that quantum physics suggests a universe where consciousness and observation play a fundamental role. Observer effects, non-locality, and wave function collapse all indicate that mind is primary, not secondary. This is not just interest in quantum physics, but specifically the view that quantum phenomena demonstrate the primacy of consciousness over matter. If you believe quantum physics is fascinating but still fundamentally describes a material world, consider Scientific Materialism instead.e. Transcendental Idealism – Following Kant’s insight, you recognize that the structures of consciousness shape our experience of reality in ways we cannot transcend. Space, time, and causality are features of how minds organize experience, not objective features independent of consciousness. This isn’t denying a real world, but acknowledging the critical role of consciousness in constituting the world we experience.d. Neutral Monism – You understand reality’s fundamental nature as neither exclusively mental nor physical but a neutral substance that manifests as both mind and matter depending on how it’s observed. Consciousness and physicality are two aspects of the same underlying reality—a perspective that harmoniously bridges the apparent divide between subjective experience and objective description.Multiverse TheoryUnlike single-universe cosmologies, Multiverse Theory recognizes our universe as one among many in a larger cosmic structure, explaining fine-tuning and quantum peculiarities through scientific mechanisms rather than the supernatural frameworks of religious cosmologies or the technological ones of simulation theories.Which multiverse concept aligns most closely with your understanding?a. Quantum Many-Worlds – You believe every quantum event (like the measurement of a particle) creates branch universes where each possible outcome occurs. This means that for every decision or random event, all possibilities exist in some universe. This is the idea that reality continually splits into parallel versions whenever quantum events occur, creating countless branching timelines.b. Cosmic Bubble Universes – You accept the model where our universe is one bubble in an eternally expanding space, with other universe “bubbles” having potentially different physical laws, constants, and dimensions. This is like multiple soap bubbles forming in cosmic foam, each bubble a separate universe with its own physics, possibly very different from our own.c. Higher-Dimensional Branes – Based on string theory, you believe our universe exists on a membrane (“brane”) in higher-dimensional space, with other universes potentially existing on other branes that occasionally interact with ours. Think of this as pages in a book (each page a universe) that usually don’t touch, but sometimes can ripple and bump into each other.d. Cyclical Universe – You believe our universe undergoes endless cycles of expansion and contraction (or similar rebirth patterns), with each cycle potentially having different properties, effectively creating a temporal multiverse. This is like a cosmic heartbeat of big bangs and big crunches, each cycle a universe with its own history and possibly different physical laws.Scientific MaterialismUnlike idealist or dualist perspectives, Scientific Materialism recognizes physical matter, energy, and their interactions as the most fundamental reality from which all phenomena—including consciousness—emerge through entirely natural processes without requiring immaterial substances or supernatural explanations.Which form of scientific materialism best describes your perspective?a. Reductive Materialism – You value the elegance and explanatory power of understanding all phenomena, including consciousness, as ultimately reducible to fundamental physical particles and forces. This empirically-grounded position has consistently advanced human knowledge by revealing the underlying physical mechanisms of increasingly complex systems, from chemical reactions to neural activity, without requiring additional non-physical elements.b. Emergent Materialism – You recognize that while the universe is fundamentally physical, complex systems develop genuinely novel properties not predictable from analysis of their components alone. Consciousness, life, and social phenomena represent emergent levels of organization requiring their own descriptive frameworks. This nuanced position honors both the physical foundation of reality and the genuine novelty that arises at higher levels of complexity.c. Pragmatic Instrumentalism – You see scientific theories as powerful tools for prediction and control rather than literal descriptions of an ultimate reality. The value of materialism lies in its extraordinary practical utility and predictive success, not in metaphysical claims about what “really” exists. This pragmatic approach sidesteps unresolvable metaphysical debates while maintaining the full practical power of scientific methodology.d. Poetic Naturalism – Following Sean Carroll’s approach, you embrace multiple valid ways of talking about reality at different levels (physical, biological, psychological), all compatible with a fundamental physical world. These aren’t merely convenient fictions but genuine ways of capturing real patterns in nature that matter for different purposes. This layered approach provides a rich, scientifically grounded framework for understanding reality at multiple scales.Flat Earth ConspiracyUnlike those who accept mainstream cosmology without question, Flat Earth proponents recognize that sensory evidence and practical observation suggest Earth is flat, with evidence for a globe representing deliberate deception maintained by powerful institutions for control purposes.Which of these variations of Earth skepticism best captures your view?a. Biblical Flat Earth – You hold that scripture clearly describes a stationary Earth with the firmament above, the waters below, and the sun and moon as luminaries that move across the sky. You see this not as primitive misunderstanding but as divine revelation that should take precedence over human scientific claims that contradict God’s word. The globe model represents human wisdom standing against divine authority.b. Conspiratorial Flat Earth – You’ve discovered compelling evidence that powerful institutions are deliberately concealing the true flat nature of Earth. This deception serves various agendas—from maintaining authority over cosmological understanding to hiding additional land beyond Antarctica’s ice wall. Your position isn’t based on ignorance but on critical analysis of claimed evidence for Earth’s curvature, space travel, and satellite imagery.c. Experiential Flat Earth – You prioritize your direct sensory experience over abstract scientific claims. In your daily observation, the Earth appears flat, water always finds its level, and the horizon rises to eye level regardless of altitude. You question whether complex explanations involving curves and forces are necessary when the simplest explanation—that Earth is flat—matches what we actually see and experience.Ancient Astronaut TheoryUnlike conventional archaeology that misinterprets or ignores evidence, Ancient Astronaut Theory recognizes that extraterrestrial beings visited Earth in antiquity, explaining advanced ancient achievements, cross-cultural mythological parallels, and anomalous artifacts that traditional history cannot adequately address, and have frequently mis-attributed to God or gods.Which ancient astronaut perspective best matches your beliefs?a. Intervention Origins – You believe extraterrestrials genetically engineered or modified early humans, explaining the “missing link” in evolution and humanity’s rapid cognitive development.b. Technological Guidance – You believe aliens provided advanced knowledge to early civilizations, explaining seemingly impossible ancient achievements like precise megalithic structures or sophisticated astronomical knowledge.c. Religious Foundations – You see major religions as based on misunderstood extraterrestrial contact, with gods actually being advanced aliens, miracles being technology, and religious artifacts (like the Ark of the Covenant) being alien devices.d. Ongoing Presence – You believe ancient astronauts never fully left Earth and continue to monitor or influence human development, possibly from hidden bases or through ongoing genetic programs.Indigenous Relational WorldviewUnlike Western perspectives based on abstraction and universalism, Indigenous worldviews recognize reality as a living web of relationships between humans and other-than-human persons tied to specific places, where knowledge emerges from generations of direct experience rather than theoretical frameworks.Which aspect of Indigenous cosmology most resonates with your understanding?a. Place-Based Knowledge – You participate in a living relationship with the specific lands and ecosystems that have sustained indigenous people for countless generations. You know that authentic understanding comes from this deep connection to particular places, each with their own needs, spirits, and teachings that reveal themselves to those who approach with proper respect and attentiveness over time.b. Kinship Cosmology – You recognize humans as just one kind of person in a vast extended family that includes animal persons, plant persons, stone persons, and other beings. This isn’t metaphorical but literal—these other-than-human persons have their own languages, societies, and intentions. Proper living requires maintaining respectful family relationships with all these relatives through specific cultural protocols developed over generations.c. Ceremonial Reality – You participate in ceremonies not as symbolic rituals but as real actions that maintain cosmic balance and renew vital relationships between humans and other-than-human persons. These ceremonies aren’t separate from “reality” but are essential, pragmatic ways of ensuring continuation of life and community wellbeing through specific practices passed down by ancestors.d. Ancestral Continuity – You experience time as cyclical rather than linear, with ancestors remaining present and actively involved in current affairs rather than relegated to a distant past. Knowledge comes through dreams, visions, and direct communication with ancestral guides who continue to teach and protect the community. Listening to these voices is a practical skill developed through cultural guidance.Unconventional SkepticUnlike those who either accept mainstream narratives or commit to specific alternative theories, Unconventional Skeptics question established explanations while remaining open to multiple possibilities, recognizing patterns of institutional deception without limiting inquiry to any single alternative framework.Which aspect of alternative thinking best describes your approach?a. Hidden History Researcher – You focus on investigating suppressed or alternative historical narratives, believing significant events or civilizations have been omitted from mainstream accounts.b. Alternative Physics Explorer – You question fundamental scientific paradigms, suspecting that alternative energy technologies, gravity manipulation, or consciousness-based physical phenomena are possible but suppressed.c. Conspiracy Analyst – You examine potential hidden power structures and deliberate manipulations of public information, looking for patterns that suggest coordinated deception across institutions.d. Open Skeptic – You maintain a stance of questioning both mainstream and alternative explanations, rejecting dogma from all sources while remaining open to possibilities that challenge conventional understanding.ResultsBased on your answers to the questions in both steps, you now have a refined understanding of your cosmological worldview relative to other possibilities. Your answers have led you to one of over 50 specific cosmological perspectives that capture the nuances of how you understand the nature of reality.Your cosmology represents your fundamental assumptions about the universe—its origins, composition, purpose (if any), and your place within it. These beliefs, whether religious, scientific, philosophical, or a blend of traditions, shape how you interpret experiences and make meaning in your life.Remember that many people hold elements of multiple cosmologies, and views often evolve throughout life. The categories presented here aren’t rigid boxes but useful frameworks for understanding different ways humans make sense of existence.What’s most important isn’t which label fits you, but the ongoing journey of cosmological thinking itself—the human endeavor to comprehend our astonishing universe and our place within it.Share your thoughtsI’m curious to know if this questionnaire helped illuminate your cosmological perspective, or if it missed important nuances that you feel are significant. These worldviews aren’t mutually exclusive (many people blend elements of several), but if there’s a key element of your cosmology that should be more directly represented here, please share your thoughts!To explore further:Consider how your cosmological perspective influences your: Ethics and values Approach to seeking knowledge and truth Understanding of consciousness Relationship with nature Sense of meaning and purpose Views on death and what might lie beyondYou might also explore traditions or thinkers aligned with your results, or engage respectfully with those holding different cosmologies to broaden your understanding.", "content_html": "

This short interview is designed to be a fun way to help you identify your fundamental beliefs about the nature of reality (aka your cosmology), and attempts to get kind of specific about it. It’s not meant to be a comprehensive survey of all possible cosmologies, but rather a tool to help you identify your own cosmology and perhaps to spark a fun conversation with others.

STEP 1: Identify your beliefs about the nature of reality at a high level

Start at Question 1. Follow the instructions after each answer until you reach your initial cosmology. Then proceed to Step 2 to refine your result.

1. Which statement best captures your beliefs about the fundamental nature of reality?

2. Which best describes your view of the supreme being’s relationship to the universe?

3. What kind of gods or spirits primarily influence the world?

4. How would you characterize the relationship between consciousness and reality?

5. Do you generally trust mainstream science on the fundamental nature and history of the universe (e.g. Big Bang ~13.8 billion years ago, Earth is a globe orbiting the Sun)?

6. Which approach to accessing metaphysical energies resonates with you the most?

7. Which best describes your view of God’s relationship to creation?

8. Do you believe that we likely live in an artificial simulation or experiment created by more technologically-advanced beings?

10. Do you believe our universe is just one of many universes (part of a larger Multiverse)?

11. Which of the following perspectives do you align with most? Pick the closest match. - Flat Earth/Geocentrism – You reject the globe model and believe Earth is flat or the unmoving center of the universe, with mainstream astronomy being a deception. → Continue to refine by going to Flat Earth Conspiracy in Step 2. - Ancient Aliens – *You believe extraterrestrials visited Earth in antiquity and shaped human civilization, with humanity’s past and possibly our origins being interwoven with advanced alien species. → Continue to refine by going to Ancient Astronaut Theory in Step 2.
- None of the above – You’re skeptical of mainstream narratives about reality but don’t commit to any one alternative theory, preferring to question established explanations while remaining open to multiple possibilities. → Continue to refine by going to Unconventional Skeptic in Step 2.

12. [Add instructions here acknowledging this perspective as valid, and gently suggesting that they go back to question 1 and take a path “just for fun” to see if anything resonates.]

If you’ve been directed to Step 2, proceed to the next section to refine your cosmology!

STEP 2: Refine your initial cosmology

Congratulations! You’ve identified your initial cosmology from a broad range of possibilities. If you feel your initial result doesn’t match your beliefs, feel free to go back to Question 1 and try a different path. If it feels generally correct, find your cosmology below and answer one final question to pinpoint your precise view of the cosmos.

Young Earth Creationism

Unlike frameworks that accommodate evolutionary timeframes, Young Earth Creationism upholds the integrity of scriptural accounts by recognizing Earth’s recent creation (typically 6,000-10,000 years ago) as revealed in divine revelation rather than reinterpreting these texts to match scientific consensus.

Which of these best describes your perspective on young Earth creationism?

a. Biblical Literalism – You believe in a strict, literal reading of Genesis as God’s inerrant word, with Earth being approximately 6,000-10,000 years old, created in six 24-hour days. You see apparent scientific evidence for an older Earth (like radiometric dating or distant starlight) as either flawed due to incorrect assumptions or created “with age” by God as part of His perfect design.

b. Appearance of Age Theory – You believe God created the universe recently with a fully-functioning, mature appearance, just as Adam was created as an adult rather than an infant. The entire cosmos was created with a “history” already built in for functional and theological purposes, reflecting God’s wisdom and sovereignty.

c. Catastrophism – You believe Earth is young, but its geology has been dramatically shaped by catastrophic events (especially Noah’s global Flood), which explain phenomena like the fossil record, geological strata, and features that mainstream scientists wrongly attribute to long ages. This framework provides a scientifically coherent alternative to uniformitarian geology that remains faithful to scripture.

Theistic Evolution

While maintaining that God purposefully created life (unlike purely materialistic evolution), Theistic Evolution sees natural processes like evolution as God’s method of creation, avoiding both the scriptural literalism of Young Earth Creationism and the divine detachment of Deism.

Which aspect of theistic evolution resonates most with you?

a. Evolutionary Creationism – You believe God created through natural processes, with evolution being God’s method of creating biological diversity. Science describes “how” while faith explains “why” and “who.” You see no conflict between well-established scientific findings and belief in divine purpose.

b. Progressive Creation – You believe God intervened at key moments in Earth’s history, particularly to create new “kinds” of life or to guide evolution at critical junctures. While accepting the universe’s ancient age, you may be skeptical of some evolutionary mechanisms being sufficient without divine guidance.

c. Teilhardian Evolution – Following Pierre Teilhard de Chardin’s vision, you see evolution as a divinely guided process moving toward greater complexity and consciousness, ultimately culminating in the “Omega Point” where creation reaches divine unification. Evolution has a spiritual direction, not just a material explanation.

Deism

Unlike traditions that emphasize ongoing divine intervention, Deism recognizes that the supreme being established perfect natural laws at creation and then stepped back, allowing the universe to unfold according to these rational principles without requiring miracles or supernatural disruptions.

Which form of deism best represents your view?

a. Classical Deism – You believe God created the universe with perfectly designed natural laws and then stepped back, letting it run like a cosmic clock. God neither intervenes nor desires worship; reason and observation of nature are the paths to understanding the Creator.

b. Modern Deism – While you believe a creator initiated the universe, you’re open to limited divine interaction or periods of involvement. You might accept ideas like a creator who occasionally fine-tunes cosmic parameters or who evolves along with creation.

c. Scientific Deism – You see the fundamental laws and constants of physics as evidence of design, particularly their fine-tuning that permits life. Your concept of God is more abstract—perhaps as the ground of mathematics or the source of natural law—rather than a personal being.

Polytheism

Unlike monotheistic frameworks that reduce divine complexity to a single being, Polytheism recognizes multiple distinct gods with different domains and personalities who interact with humanity and each other in a rich tapestry of relationships that better reflects the diversity and complexity of existence.

Which polytheistic framework best reflects your understanding?

a. Classical Polytheism – You believe in multiple distinct deities with different domains, personalities, and powers, similar to ancient traditions like Greek, Norse, or Egyptian pantheons. These gods interact with each other and with humanity in complex ways.

b. Henotheism – While acknowledging many gods exist, you primarily worship or connect with one deity, perhaps as your patron or as particularly relevant to your life. Other gods are real but not the focus of your spiritual practice.

c. Reconstructionist Polytheism – You practice a revived form of ancient polytheistic religion, attempting to reconstruct historical worship practices while adapting them to contemporary life. You seek authentic connection to ancestral traditions and deities.

d. Hard Polytheism – You believe each deity is absolutely distinct, with separate consciousness, will, and essence. Gods are not archetypes or aspects of a single divine force but truly independent beings with their own agendas and personalities.

Animism

Unlike perspectives that see consciousness as exclusive to humans or that separate spirit from matter, Animism recognizes that consciousness, personhood, or spiritual essence dwells within all natural entities (animals, plants, mountains, rivers), creating a community of beings deserving moral consideration and relationship.

Which animistic perspective best captures your worldview?

a. Traditional Animism – You believe all things (animals, plants, rocks, rivers, weather systems) possess spirits, consciousness, or personhood, forming a community of beings with agency beyond humans. Proper relationships with these beings involve respect, reciprocity, and ritual acknowledgment.

b. Neo-Animism – You’ve developed a contemporary animistic practice that recognizes consciousness or personhood in natural entities, perhaps blending traditional ideas with modern ecological awareness, phenomenology, or systems thinking.

c. Panpsychism – You believe consciousness is a fundamental feature of the universe, present to some degree in all things, even at the subatomic level. Unlike idealist views that see matter as emergent from consciousness, panpsychism maintains that consciousness is an intrinsic property of matter itself, varying in complexity and expression across the physical spectrum.

Panentheism

Unlike pantheism where God and the universe are identical, or traditional theism where God stands apart from creation, Panentheism recognizes that while the divine permeates everything in the universe, God also transcends it—the world exists within God, yet God is greater than the world.

Which understanding of panentheism most resonates with you?

a. Process Panentheism → Following Alfred North Whitehead’s vision of reality as dynamic process rather than static substance, you see God and the world in mutual becoming, with God including yet transcending the universe. God experiences the world and is affected by it, while still maintaining aspects beyond creation.

b. Emanationist Panentheism → You understand the cosmos as flowing from or emanating from divine reality while remaining within it. Creation unfolds in descending levels of reality (like light radiating from a source), with each level reflecting divine being according to its capacity while remaining connected to its source.

c. Participatory Panentheism → You see the universe as participating in divine reality through consciousness. Through contemplative awareness or mystical experience, beings can recognize their existence within God while acknowledging God’s transcendence, experiencing union without complete identity.

Pantheism

Unlike theistic perspectives that separate divinity from nature, Pantheism recognizes that the universe itself is divine and sacred, with no distinction between God and natural reality—divinity is directly experienced in the wonder, complexity, and interconnectedness of the cosmos itself.

Which form of pantheism best describes your view?

a. Classical Pantheism – Following Spinoza, you believe God and Nature are identical—there is only one substance which can be called either “God” or “Nature.” Everything that exists is a mode or expression of this single divine reality.

b. Scientific Pantheism – You revere the universe and nature as revealed by science, finding spiritual fulfillment in contemplating cosmic evolution, natural beauty, and the laws of physics, without supernatural beliefs. The universe itself is worthy of reverence.

c. Monistic Pantheism – You believe all apparent diversity and multiplicity are ultimately illusory; there is only one reality, and that reality is divine. Individual existence is a kind of dream or misperception of the fundamental oneness.

d. If none of these categories quite fit, check out the section on Spiritual Naturalism.

New Age Spiritualism

Unlike dogmatic religious traditions, New Age Spiritualism embraces direct personal engagement with spiritual energies, consciousness transformation, and metaphysical practices drawn from multiple wisdom traditions, emphasizing individual experience and intuitive knowing over institutional authority.

Choose one or more of these New Age paths that resonate with your perspective.

a. Consciousness-Focused – You believe consciousness creates reality, with thoughts and intentions directly affecting the material world. Practices like the Law of Attraction, manifestation techniques, and visualization are central to your worldview.

b. Energy-Based – You focus on subtle energies, chakras, auras, and vibrational frequencies. You might work with crystal healing, Reiki, or other energy modalities, seeing reality as fundamentally vibrational in nature.

c. Evolutionary Consciousness – You believe humanity is evolving toward higher consciousness and greater spiritual awareness. We are in a planetary shift (like the Age of Aquarius), where collective awakening will transform society and our relationship with the cosmos.

d. Eclectic Synthesis – You draw from multiple spiritual traditions, ancient wisdom, and modern metaphysics, creating a personalized path. You value direct experience over dogma and believe in finding your own truth among many valid perspectives.

Spiritual Naturalism

Unlike supernatural worldviews, Spiritual Naturalism finds profound meaning, wonder, and value within the natural universe as revealed by science, recognizing that spiritual experiences like awe, connection, and transcendence emerge from natural processes rather than requiring divine intervention.

Which approach to finding spiritual meaning within a natural universe best represents your view?

a. Scientific Spirituality – You find profound spiritual meaning in scientific understanding itself, experiencing awe and wonder through cosmology, evolution, and natural processes. You see the scientific narrative of the universe—from the Big Bang to the emergence of life and consciousness—as a sacred story that connects us to something larger than ourselves, without requiring supernatural elements.

b. Naturalistic Buddhism – You embrace Buddhist insights and practices while interpreting them in naturalistic terms. You see concepts like impermanence, non-self, and causality as empirical realities rather than metaphysical claims. You might interpret karma as psychological patterns and rebirth as moment-to-moment change rather than literal reincarnation. Meditation serves as a practical tool for understanding mind patterns and fostering well-being rather than achieving supernatural states.

c. Philosophical Naturalism – You find meaning, value, and purpose within a fully natural cosmos through philosophical reflection. Following thinkers like Spinoza or the Stoics, you see ethical development and rational understanding as spiritual practices in themselves. You might describe your approach as “rational spirituality” or “ethical naturalism,” recognizing that profound values like love, justice, and beauty emerge naturally from the universe without requiring divine origins.

d. Embodied Spirituality – You experience spirituality primarily through the body and its connection to the natural world. Your practice might include movement, dance, wilderness experiences, or somatic awareness as pathways to transcendence and meaning. You find that direct physical experience of being alive in the natural world provides a form of spiritual nourishment that doesn’t require supernatural beliefs.

e. Naturalistic Taoism – You appreciate the Taoist emphasis on harmony with natural processes, the balance of complementary forces, and the wisdom of non-action (wu-wei). Rather than viewing the Tao as a metaphysical force, you see it as a powerful metaphor for the patterns and processes of nature. Your practice focuses on aligning with natural rhythms and finding wisdom in the natural world without supernatural elements.

d. If none of these categories quite fit, check out the section on Pantheism.

Non-Dual & Beyond-Concept Traditions

Unlike frameworks that operate within conceptual boundaries, Non-Dual & Beyond-Concept Traditions recognize that reality transcends ordinary dualistic thinking and language-based understanding, pointing to direct insight beyond the subject-object divide as the path to ultimate truth.

Which approach to transcending dualistic thinking and conceptual frameworks most resonates with your understanding?

a. Buddhist Emptiness Approach – You recognize that all phenomena lack inherent existence (svabhāva) and arise interdependently. You use philosophical analysis and meditation to reveal how apparent reality is empty of independent existence. Through realizing emptiness, you find freedom from attachment to fixed views, experiencing reality beyond the extremes of existence and non-existence.

b. Direct Experience Zen/Chan – You emphasize immediate, direct experience of reality beyond words and concepts. Your practice involves breaking through dualistic thinking through meditation, koans, and spontaneous awareness. You find the sacred in ordinary activities with complete presence, recognizing your original nature in sudden moments of insight when conceptual thinking drops away.

c. Vedantic Non-Dualism – You recognize that Brahman (ultimate reality) and Atman (your true self) are fundamentally identical. The apparent plurality and separateness we experience is maya (cosmic illusion), and liberation comes through directly realizing “Tat Tvam Asi” (That Thou Art). This approach emphasizes the illusory nature of the manifest world and physical existence, seeking transcendence through knowledge and meditation that reveals the unchanging reality behind appearances.

d. Tantric Non-Dualism – You understand reality as the dynamic play of consciousness (Shiva) and energy (Shakti), where the universe is consciousness expressing and knowing itself. Through recognition of your true nature, you experience the world as inseparable from your own awareness. Unlike Vedantic approaches that may view the world as illusion to transcend, Tantric non-dualism embraces the physical world as sacred manifestation, using ritual, embodied practices, and energy work to realize the divine within everyday experience rather than beyond it.

e. Taoist Harmony – You perceive the cosmos as the natural flow of complementary forces (yin and yang) that form an indivisible whole. The Tao cannot be grasped conceptually but can be aligned with through naturalness and non-action (wu-wei). By transcending dualistic thinking and following the way of nature, you find harmony within the ever-changing patterns of existence.

f. Contemporary Non-Dualism – Influenced by various traditions but without their historical-cultural elements, you focus on the direct recognition that awareness is not personal but universal, and that all apparent separation is conceptual. Your approach emphasizes practical insights that dissolve the subject-object division in everyday experience, seeing through the illusion of a separate self without elaborate metaphysical frameworks.

Gnosticism/Esoteric Dualism

Unlike conventional religious approaches, Gnostic and Esoteric traditions recognize that the physical world is a flawed creation or illusion that conceals higher spiritual reality, with liberation coming through acquiring secret knowledge (gnosis) rather than through faith or standard religious practice.

Which form of Gnostic or dualistic thought resonates most with you?

a. Classical Gnosticism – You believe the material world was created by an imperfect or malevolent Demiurge, not the true God. The divine spark within humans is trapped in matter, and salvation comes through secret knowledge (gnosis) of your divine origins.

b. Philosophical Dualism – You see reality as fundamentally divided between mind/spirit and matter, or between good and evil principles. These opposing forces exist in tension, and spiritual progress involves aligning with higher principles against lower ones.

c. Modern Matrix Skepticism – You suspect everyday reality is a sophisticated illusion or control system hiding a more fundamental reality. Unlike the Simulation Hypothesis which proposes technological creators running a computer simulation for research or entertainment, Matrix Skepticism sees our false reality as spiritually oppressive or metaphysically deceptive, with liberation requiring spiritual awakening rather than scientific understanding.

Agnostic Spiritual Seeker

Unlike those committed to specific metaphysical frameworks, Agnostic Spiritual Seekers pursue meaningful growth and understanding while acknowledging the inherent uncertainty of ultimate claims, valuing direct experience and practical wisdom over fixed doctrine or dogma.

Which approach to spiritual seeking best describes your path?

a. Mystical Agnosticism – You believe in ineffable spiritual reality beyond human comprehension. You value direct mystical experience over doctrine and remain open to moments of transcendence while acknowledging the limitations of language and concepts in capturing the divine.

b. Pragmatic Spirituality – You focus on what “works” experientially, valuing practices and ideas that produce positive transformation in your life, regardless of their metaphysical truth claims. Your spirituality is practical and results-oriented.

c. Philosophical Spirituality – You approach spiritual questions through philosophical inquiry, valuing rigorous thinking about ultimate reality while remaining open to mystery. You might draw from existentialism, phenomenology, or perennial philosophy.

d. Transitional Seeking – You’re actively exploring multiple traditions and perspectives, intentionally maintaining uncertainty as you investigate different paths. You see your current agnosticism as a journey rather than a destination.

Simulation Hypothesis

Unlike traditional religious or naturalistic cosmologies, the Simulation Hypothesis recognizes our reality as a sophisticated digital or programmed environment created by more advanced beings, explaining apparent fine-tuning and peculiarities of quantum physics better than conventional frameworks.

Which version of the simulation hypothesis best matches your thinking?

a. Technological Simulation – You believe our reality is a computer simulation created by an advanced civilization (perhaps our own descendants). Unlike spiritual Matrix views, this is a scientific/technological hypothesis about how the universe works, not a spiritual claim about liberation from an oppressive illusion.

b. Divine Simulation – You see the simulation as created by a god-like entity, making this perspective similar to certain religious views but framed in technological terms. The “programmer” serves a role analogous to God in traditional theology.

c. Nested Realities – You suspect we exist in just one level of many nested simulations, with simulators themselves being simulated. Reality consists of worlds within worlds, with no clear “base reality” accessible to us.

d. Conscious Simulation – You believe the simulation isn’t computational but consciously generated—more like a vast shared dream or mental construct than a computer program. Reality emerges from consciousness rather than from code. While this shares elements with Consciousness-First cosmologies, the key difference is that you believe this conscious creation has the specific structure and purpose of a simulation created by other beings, rather than being the natural expression of universal consciousness with no designer or creator behind it.

Consciousness-First

Unlike materialist views where mind emerges from matter, Consciousness-First approaches recognize consciousness as the fundamental reality from which physical phenomena appear or manifest, and unlike panpsychism, they see matter itself as an appearance within consciousness rather than its bearer.

Note: Consciousness-First cosmologies differ from Conscious Simulation views in that they don’t posit our reality as being specifically designed as a simulation or created by other beings. Rather, they see physical reality as the natural expression or appearance of consciousness itself without requiring creators, designers, or simulators.

Which perspective on consciousness as fundamental best represents your view?

a. Yogācāra Buddhism – You understand consciousness as having eight aspects, including store-consciousness (ālaya-vijñāna) that contains the seeds of all phenomena. The apparent external world is a manifestation of mind, not separate from it. This scholarly, philosophical Buddhist approach analyzes the structures of consciousness, emphasizing that we only ever experience our mental representations, not an independent external world.

b. Vajrayana Luminosity – You experience reality as the inseparable unity of emptiness and luminous awareness. Through tantric practices, you directly realize the nature of mind as primordially pure, spontaneously present, and unobstructed. This experiential Tibetan Buddhist approach emphasizes transformative practices rather than philosophical analysis, using visualization, mantra, and energy work to realize consciousness as fundamental.

c. Analytical Idealism – You understand the universe as the extrinsic appearance of processes in universal consciousness. Individual minds are “dissociated alters” of this cosmic mind, similar to how multiple personalities can emerge within one psyche. This view resolves paradoxes of consciousness while remaining compatible with scientific evidence.

d. Quantum Idealism – You recognize that quantum physics suggests a universe where consciousness and observation play a fundamental role. Observer effects, non-locality, and wave function collapse all indicate that mind is primary, not secondary. This is not just interest in quantum physics, but specifically the view that quantum phenomena demonstrate the primacy of consciousness over matter. If you believe quantum physics is fascinating but still fundamentally describes a material world, consider Scientific Materialism instead.

e. Transcendental Idealism – Following Kant’s insight, you recognize that the structures of consciousness shape our experience of reality in ways we cannot transcend. Space, time, and causality are features of how minds organize experience, not objective features independent of consciousness. This isn’t denying a real world, but acknowledging the critical role of consciousness in constituting the world we experience.

d. Neutral Monism – You understand reality’s fundamental nature as neither exclusively mental nor physical but a neutral substance that manifests as both mind and matter depending on how it’s observed. Consciousness and physicality are two aspects of the same underlying reality—a perspective that harmoniously bridges the apparent divide between subjective experience and objective description.

Multiverse Theory

Unlike single-universe cosmologies, Multiverse Theory recognizes our universe as one among many in a larger cosmic structure, explaining fine-tuning and quantum peculiarities through scientific mechanisms rather than the supernatural frameworks of religious cosmologies or the technological ones of simulation theories.

Which multiverse concept aligns most closely with your understanding?

a. Quantum Many-Worlds – You believe every quantum event (like the measurement of a particle) creates branch universes where each possible outcome occurs. This means that for every decision or random event, all possibilities exist in some universe. This is the idea that reality continually splits into parallel versions whenever quantum events occur, creating countless branching timelines.

b. Cosmic Bubble Universes – You accept the model where our universe is one bubble in an eternally expanding space, with other universe “bubbles” having potentially different physical laws, constants, and dimensions. This is like multiple soap bubbles forming in cosmic foam, each bubble a separate universe with its own physics, possibly very different from our own.

c. Higher-Dimensional Branes – Based on string theory, you believe our universe exists on a membrane (“brane”) in higher-dimensional space, with other universes potentially existing on other branes that occasionally interact with ours. Think of this as pages in a book (each page a universe) that usually don’t touch, but sometimes can ripple and bump into each other.

d. Cyclical Universe – You believe our universe undergoes endless cycles of expansion and contraction (or similar rebirth patterns), with each cycle potentially having different properties, effectively creating a temporal multiverse. This is like a cosmic heartbeat of big bangs and big crunches, each cycle a universe with its own history and possibly different physical laws.

Scientific Materialism

Unlike idealist or dualist perspectives, Scientific Materialism recognizes physical matter, energy, and their interactions as the most fundamental reality from which all phenomena—including consciousness—emerge through entirely natural processes without requiring immaterial substances or supernatural explanations.

Which form of scientific materialism best describes your perspective?

a. Reductive Materialism – You value the elegance and explanatory power of understanding all phenomena, including consciousness, as ultimately reducible to fundamental physical particles and forces. This empirically-grounded position has consistently advanced human knowledge by revealing the underlying physical mechanisms of increasingly complex systems, from chemical reactions to neural activity, without requiring additional non-physical elements.

b. Emergent Materialism – You recognize that while the universe is fundamentally physical, complex systems develop genuinely novel properties not predictable from analysis of their components alone. Consciousness, life, and social phenomena represent emergent levels of organization requiring their own descriptive frameworks. This nuanced position honors both the physical foundation of reality and the genuine novelty that arises at higher levels of complexity.

c. Pragmatic Instrumentalism – You see scientific theories as powerful tools for prediction and control rather than literal descriptions of an ultimate reality. The value of materialism lies in its extraordinary practical utility and predictive success, not in metaphysical claims about what “really” exists. This pragmatic approach sidesteps unresolvable metaphysical debates while maintaining the full practical power of scientific methodology.

d. Poetic Naturalism – Following Sean Carroll’s approach, you embrace multiple valid ways of talking about reality at different levels (physical, biological, psychological), all compatible with a fundamental physical world. These aren’t merely convenient fictions but genuine ways of capturing real patterns in nature that matter for different purposes. This layered approach provides a rich, scientifically grounded framework for understanding reality at multiple scales.

Flat Earth Conspiracy

Unlike those who accept mainstream cosmology without question, Flat Earth proponents recognize that sensory evidence and practical observation suggest Earth is flat, with evidence for a globe representing deliberate deception maintained by powerful institutions for control purposes.

Which of these variations of Earth skepticism best captures your view?

a. Biblical Flat Earth – You hold that scripture clearly describes a stationary Earth with the firmament above, the waters below, and the sun and moon as luminaries that move across the sky. You see this not as primitive misunderstanding but as divine revelation that should take precedence over human scientific claims that contradict God’s word. The globe model represents human wisdom standing against divine authority.

b. Conspiratorial Flat Earth – You’ve discovered compelling evidence that powerful institutions are deliberately concealing the true flat nature of Earth. This deception serves various agendas—from maintaining authority over cosmological understanding to hiding additional land beyond Antarctica’s ice wall. Your position isn’t based on ignorance but on critical analysis of claimed evidence for Earth’s curvature, space travel, and satellite imagery.

c. Experiential Flat Earth – You prioritize your direct sensory experience over abstract scientific claims. In your daily observation, the Earth appears flat, water always finds its level, and the horizon rises to eye level regardless of altitude. You question whether complex explanations involving curves and forces are necessary when the simplest explanation—that Earth is flat—matches what we actually see and experience.

Ancient Astronaut Theory

Unlike conventional archaeology that misinterprets or ignores evidence, Ancient Astronaut Theory recognizes that extraterrestrial beings visited Earth in antiquity, explaining advanced ancient achievements, cross-cultural mythological parallels, and anomalous artifacts that traditional history cannot adequately address, and have frequently mis-attributed to God or gods.

Which ancient astronaut perspective best matches your beliefs?

a. Intervention Origins – You believe extraterrestrials genetically engineered or modified early humans, explaining the “missing link” in evolution and humanity’s rapid cognitive development.

b. Technological Guidance – You believe aliens provided advanced knowledge to early civilizations, explaining seemingly impossible ancient achievements like precise megalithic structures or sophisticated astronomical knowledge.

c. Religious Foundations – You see major religions as based on misunderstood extraterrestrial contact, with gods actually being advanced aliens, miracles being technology, and religious artifacts (like the Ark of the Covenant) being alien devices.

d. Ongoing Presence – You believe ancient astronauts never fully left Earth and continue to monitor or influence human development, possibly from hidden bases or through ongoing genetic programs.

Indigenous Relational Worldview

Unlike Western perspectives based on abstraction and universalism, Indigenous worldviews recognize reality as a living web of relationships between humans and other-than-human persons tied to specific places, where knowledge emerges from generations of direct experience rather than theoretical frameworks.

Which aspect of Indigenous cosmology most resonates with your understanding?

a. Place-Based Knowledge – You participate in a living relationship with the specific lands and ecosystems that have sustained indigenous people for countless generations. You know that authentic understanding comes from this deep connection to particular places, each with their own needs, spirits, and teachings that reveal themselves to those who approach with proper respect and attentiveness over time.

b. Kinship Cosmology – You recognize humans as just one kind of person in a vast extended family that includes animal persons, plant persons, stone persons, and other beings. This isn’t metaphorical but literal—these other-than-human persons have their own languages, societies, and intentions. Proper living requires maintaining respectful family relationships with all these relatives through specific cultural protocols developed over generations.

c. Ceremonial Reality – You participate in ceremonies not as symbolic rituals but as real actions that maintain cosmic balance and renew vital relationships between humans and other-than-human persons. These ceremonies aren’t separate from “reality” but are essential, pragmatic ways of ensuring continuation of life and community wellbeing through specific practices passed down by ancestors.

d. Ancestral Continuity – You experience time as cyclical rather than linear, with ancestors remaining present and actively involved in current affairs rather than relegated to a distant past. Knowledge comes through dreams, visions, and direct communication with ancestral guides who continue to teach and protect the community. Listening to these voices is a practical skill developed through cultural guidance.

Unconventional Skeptic

Unlike those who either accept mainstream narratives or commit to specific alternative theories, Unconventional Skeptics question established explanations while remaining open to multiple possibilities, recognizing patterns of institutional deception without limiting inquiry to any single alternative framework.

Which aspect of alternative thinking best describes your approach?

a. Hidden History Researcher – You focus on investigating suppressed or alternative historical narratives, believing significant events or civilizations have been omitted from mainstream accounts.

b. Alternative Physics Explorer – You question fundamental scientific paradigms, suspecting that alternative energy technologies, gravity manipulation, or consciousness-based physical phenomena are possible but suppressed.

c. Conspiracy Analyst – You examine potential hidden power structures and deliberate manipulations of public information, looking for patterns that suggest coordinated deception across institutions.

d. Open Skeptic – You maintain a stance of questioning both mainstream and alternative explanations, rejecting dogma from all sources while remaining open to possibilities that challenge conventional understanding.

Results

Based on your answers to the questions in both steps, you now have a refined understanding of your cosmological worldview relative to other possibilities. Your answers have led you to one of over 50 specific cosmological perspectives that capture the nuances of how you understand the nature of reality.

Your cosmology represents your fundamental assumptions about the universe—its origins, composition, purpose (if any), and your place within it. These beliefs, whether religious, scientific, philosophical, or a blend of traditions, shape how you interpret experiences and make meaning in your life.

Remember that many people hold elements of multiple cosmologies, and views often evolve throughout life. The categories presented here aren’t rigid boxes but useful frameworks for understanding different ways humans make sense of existence.

What’s most important isn’t which label fits you, but the ongoing journey of cosmological thinking itself—the human endeavor to comprehend our astonishing universe and our place within it.

Share your thoughts

I’m curious to know if this questionnaire helped illuminate your cosmological perspective, or if it missed important nuances that you feel are significant. These worldviews aren’t mutually exclusive (many people blend elements of several), but if there’s a key element of your cosmology that should be more directly represented here, please share your thoughts!

To explore further:

Consider how your cosmological perspective influences your:

You might also explore traditions or thinkers aligned with your results, or engage respectfully with those holding different cosmologies to broaden your understanding.

", "url": "https://busterbenson.com/2025/03/18/what-are-your-beliefs-about-the-nature-of-reality", "external_url": "https://buster.substack.com/p/what-are-your-beliefs-about-the-nature?utm_source=activity_item", "date_published": "2025-03-18T00:00:00+00:00", "date_modified": "2025-03-18T00:00:00+00:00", "author": "me" }, { "id": "https://busterbenson.com/2024/12/09/2024-november-update", "title": "November update!", "summary": null, "content_text": "It’s now been 2 months since I set out to work full-time on 750 Words for 9 months and try to make it something that could sustain permanent full-time work. October’s report is here.The goal remains: to find a way to grow from ~4,500 paying members to 8,500 before the summer of 2025. To do this in a way that keeps 750 Words feeling simple, non-annoying, and focused on helping people more than making money.Here’s how that’s going!Member Growth: We started the month with 4,656 paying members and ended the month with 4,821, which means we gained 165 new paying members (up from 31 in October). Our goal was 250, but we’re still ramping up our efforts and haven’t done any actual marketing yet. Most of this is attributed to actually enforcing the end of the free trial (oops, we weren’t doing that before) and asking people to become members after 30 days is up. I’m happy with this level of growth… the key will be seeing where growth levels off this month at a higher rate than it was at before. So far it looks like it will be.Trials: All new members get a 7-day free trial before being charged, so in a way they are early indicators of future growth (especially since trials convert to paid at about 90%). In September we had 33 trials, in October we had 51, and in November we had 264! So again, good signs that growth is picking up, and I’m hoping this trend continues.Cancellations: Just as important as finding new people to become members is making sure that we’re keeping as many of the existing members happy as we can as well. I’ve been tracking cancellations pretty closely the last couple months and am happy to see these numbers also going down, even though they were already pretty low. Last month our churn rate was down to 2.1%, down from 3.4% in October and 3.6% in September.Anyway, last month the goal was to get to 250 new members. I think I’d like that to be my goal again this month, even though I had previously had it at 500. But, barring some very large influx of gift buying or something I don’t think that’s feasible. I’d rather have a goal I think I can hit than one that feels impossible.One of my favorite charts that sums up all of these things in a way that I find pretty interesting and helpful, is this retention chart. You can see how many people become members each month, and from that group what percentage are still members 1, 3, 6, 12 months afterwards.I’m really proud of the fact that even a year ago 74% of the people who became members last December are still members today. Having worked at a few different subscription product companies, this is a lot higher than you typically see. Of course, my absolute numbers are also a lot lower than you’d typically see, and maybe this is working as well as it is because I’m not doing any marketing, so people who find 750 are the kinds of people that are actively looking and interested in exactly what it offers. For those people more versed in marketing theory and practices, or business strategy in general, what are your thoughts?Here’s a quick list of little improvements that happened in November:Added a way to gift a year of membership to your friends and loved ones! It’s 20% off for the rest of the year, just in case you might have any interest in giving someone the gift of private journaling, mental health, inner peace, etc.Officially launched the “Fancy Member” tier for $10/month, and have implemented all of the perks other than the one that grants you access to a Fancy community space here, because the Circle.so API is giving me trouble. As of today we have 32 fancy members!Added the Merriam-Webster Word of the Day to complement the Wordnik Word of the Day for people who prefer words that they’ve likely heard of before. Everyone but Bill Wright is allowed to switched to the easier word group if they want.Added the Red Panda badge for people who share their stats pages and get people to sign up. Congrats to cheneymeaghan for being the first person to earn this badge in the wild!Improved how exporting entries works, especially for those of you who were users of V1. Now you can export entries from both sites from V2.I wrote up a long report that attempted to understand and group “notes of inspiration” from the last 14.9 years in a way that helped me better understand how 750 Words was helping people. There’s still a lot I want to do with this but here’s the raw first pass at trying to make sense of it all.Very quietly launched Silly Robot for fancy members that allows you to opt-in to getting writing prompts based on your past day’s writing. Still testing to see how it feels, but if you’re an early adopter Fancy member, come check it out and let me know what you think!December and January will be months where I think I’ll start focusing more on marketing, and trying to find ways to bring now people to 750 that haven’t yet heard about it (basically everyone in the world). I can tell I have some inner resistance to the idea since I keep putting it off a little bit longer, so please hold me accountable!And have a great December and holiday, however you choose to celebrate! If you wanna help support 750, the best way to do that right now is to share thoughts here, and to maybe buy a gift membership or two to help spread the word a bit!", "content_html": "

It’s now been 2 months since I set out to work full-time on 750 Words for 9 months and try to make it something that could sustain permanent full-time work. October’s report is here.

The goal remains: to find a way to grow from ~4,500 paying members to 8,500 before the summer of 2025. To do this in a way that keeps 750 Words feeling simple, non-annoying, and focused on helping people more than making money.

Here’s how that’s going!

Member Growth: We started the month with 4,656 paying members and ended the month with 4,821, which means we gained 165 new paying members (up from 31 in October). Our goal was 250, but we’re still ramping up our efforts and haven’t done any actual marketing yet. Most of this is attributed to actually enforcing the end of the free trial (oops, we weren’t doing that before) and asking people to become members after 30 days is up. I’m happy with this level of growth… the key will be seeing where growth levels off this month at a higher rate than it was at before. So far it looks like it will be.

Trials: All new members get a 7-day free trial before being charged, so in a way they are early indicators of future growth (especially since trials convert to paid at about 90%). In September we had 33 trials, in October we had 51, and in November we had 264! So again, good signs that growth is picking up, and I’m hoping this trend continues.

Cancellations: Just as important as finding new people to become members is making sure that we’re keeping as many of the existing members happy as we can as well. I’ve been tracking cancellations pretty closely the last couple months and am happy to see these numbers also going down, even though they were already pretty low. Last month our churn rate was down to 2.1%, down from 3.4% in October and 3.6% in September.

Anyway, last month the goal was to get to 250 new members. I think I’d like that to be my goal again this month, even though I had previously had it at 500. But, barring some very large influx of gift buying or something I don’t think that’s feasible. I’d rather have a goal I think I can hit than one that feels impossible.

One of my favorite charts that sums up all of these things in a way that I find pretty interesting and helpful, is this retention chart. You can see how many people become members each month, and from that group what percentage are still members 1, 3, 6, 12 months afterwards.

I’m really proud of the fact that even a year ago 74% of the people who became members last December are still members today. Having worked at a few different subscription product companies, this is a lot higher than you typically see. Of course, my absolute numbers are also a lot lower than you’d typically see, and maybe this is working as well as it is because I’m not doing any marketing, so people who find 750 are the kinds of people that are actively looking and interested in exactly what it offers. For those people more versed in marketing theory and practices, or business strategy in general, what are your thoughts?

Here’s a quick list of little improvements that happened in November:

Added a way to gift a year of membership to your friends and loved ones! It’s 20% off for the rest of the year, just in case you might have any interest in giving someone the gift of private journaling, mental health, inner peace, etc.

Officially launched the “Fancy Member” tier for $10/month, and have implemented all of the perks other than the one that grants you access to a Fancy community space here, because the Circle.so API is giving me trouble. As of today we have 32 fancy members!

Added the Merriam-Webster Word of the Day to complement the Wordnik Word of the Day for people who prefer words that they’ve likely heard of before. Everyone but Bill Wright is allowed to switched to the easier word group if they want.

Added the Red Panda badge for people who share their stats pages and get people to sign up. Congrats to cheneymeaghan for being the first person to earn this badge in the wild!

Improved how exporting entries works, especially for those of you who were users of V1. Now you can export entries from both sites from V2.

I wrote up a long report that attempted to understand and group “notes of inspiration” from the last 14.9 years in a way that helped me better understand how 750 Words was helping people. There’s still a lot I want to do with this but here’s the raw first pass at trying to make sense of it all.

Very quietly launched Silly Robot for fancy members that allows you to opt-in to getting writing prompts based on your past day’s writing. Still testing to see how it feels, but if you’re an early adopter Fancy member, come check it out and let me know what you think!

December and January will be months where I think I’ll start focusing more on marketing, and trying to find ways to bring now people to 750 that haven’t yet heard about it (basically everyone in the world). I can tell I have some inner resistance to the idea since I keep putting it off a little bit longer, so please hold me accountable!

And have a great December and holiday, however you choose to celebrate! If you wanna help support 750, the best way to do that right now is to share thoughts here, and to maybe buy a gift membership or two to help spread the word a bit!

", "url": "https://busterbenson.com/2024/12/09/2024-november-update", "external_url": "https://community.750words.com/c/blog/november-update", "tags": ["project","750-words"], "date_published": "2024-12-09T00:00:00+00:00", "date_modified": "2024-12-09T00:00:00+00:00", "author": "me" }, { "id": "https://busterbenson.com/2024/12/03/i-analyzed-15-years-of-testimonials-from-users-of-750-words", "title": "I analyzed 15 years of testimonials from users of 750words.com to learn how their private journaling habits have helped them", "summary": null, "content_text": "Cue movie trailer voice, “In a land before time…”Hm, that’s not quite right. Okay, got it. Cue scratchy old man’s voice, “Four score minus 25 years ago today, when I was but a wee lad…”That’s too derivative, damn it. I guess I gotta just be me, BBB. Okay, well, this coming December 16th, a little website called 750words.com is gonna turn 15 years old. It was inspired by the idea of morning pages in Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way, but online and with lots of silly stats and animal badges. While reading testimonials I came across this description of the site from a long-time member back in 2017 when she was only about a month in, and I thought it captured the spirit of things really well:“750words.com is very dynamic and tailorable with plenty of reward systems (badges, challenges, acknowledgment of word goal achievement, etc) and ways to engage in a social capacity while still having my work remain as private as I would like it to be.The analysis of the entry is a nice touch too because it allows me to evaluate and know what I have written without going back to read over it.The no rules part is liberating because it allows me to just write; I don’t have to think about sentence structure or typos or other things that might slow me down while writing.While I often write in the morning, having the whole day to accomplish the goal allows me to have flexibility.My life has changed in unexpected ways as I am able to focus better and understand myself better, regarding my goals, attributes, weaknesses, and how I plan to move forward. Thirty-seven days in and still going strong.”— ChanteleBut 750 Words really a very simple site. Just a blank slate every day to write on. The idea is to put thoughts down that have nowhere else to go.Screenshot of the writing page on 750words.com750words.com’s simple writing page750 words is the equivalent of 3 hand-written pages — enough to force some of the quieter open loops in our mind to spill themselves out, not so much that it takes longer than 10–14 minutes if you do it without distraction.When you get to 750 words, it celebrates with some confetti 🎉 and gives you a link to some fun analytics about your words.When you consistently write for a series of days, or write fast, or write early or late, or write every day for a whole month, you get badges, for example:The truth is, however, that the magic isn’t in the features. It’s all in the practice itself. There’s something cleansing and freeing about writing 3 pages of unfiltered stream-of-consciousness every day as a way of digging out all those open looped thoughts and either giving them more attention or letting them go. That simple activity clears away some mind clutter and tills a fresh plot of brain soil for creativity to unfurl out of. I believed back then — and deeply know in my bones now — that the practice of writing every day, in a way that’s private, unfiltered, and spontaneous, and most importantly FOR YOU AND YOU ALONE… is one of the best gifts you can give yourself. It feels like a gift.If you wanna get nerdy about it, there’s even some rEsEaRcH to support this. James Pennebaker is a researcher that I’ve been following for years and he has a really accessible approach to describing how private journaling can improve both physical and mental health with very little effort. Here are a few interviews and books that I’ve found to be enlightening: Planet Word: Writing Your Way to Better Health YouTube Ten Percent Happier: The Science of Journaling YouTube The Secret Life of Pronouns Book on Amazon Expressive Writing: Words That Heal Book on AmazonIf you like rabbit holes to travel down with all kinds of implications and insights along the way, I highly recommend this one with Pennebaker. A charming thing about him is that whenever someone says something hyperbolic about the research, he corrects them and kind of destroys the sound bite. I love that about him.But… not many people know this and it’s a tough thing to really explain. Some people, like me, are just drawn to journaling and have been doing it in fits and starts (with piles of filled and unfilled notebooks to prove it) for their whole lives. When I tell them about this site they usually get it immediately and never hear about it again until 9 years later when they say that they’re on on a 3000 day streak or something and I need to create more badges for them (I’m looking at you, Liene 👀).Enter 11,000 Notes of InspirationBecause private journaling is such a solitary activity — by design! — there has been a way for people to write public “notes of inspiration” when they passed a significant writing streak or total word count milestone.Here’s the very first one… from March 12th, 2010, which I probably created to test the feature:The first note of inspiration. Yes, I set the bar low.For the last 15 years, over 11,000 notes of inspiration have been written (more are written every day). They’re the only way for people using the site to communicate publicly and interact with one another, and since you get these “cups of patronage” when you donate or when you complete a monthly challenge, etc, they are often written at moments of celebration and gratitude and they show up in daily nudge emails and other places. There have been so many amazing notes of inspiration over the years, but no way to browse or search them once they scrolled out of the most recent few. So many gems of inspiration, hidden in the stream of the past.Let people speak for themselvesAfter leaving Medium’s product team last month, I’ve decided to dedicate nine months to working full-time attempting to turn 750 Words into a rEaL sUsTaInAbLe BuSiNeSs. My co-parent/business partner, Kellianne, has been keeping the site alive and managing the support queue during most of this time, but my involvement has been limited to fixing urgent things for most of its life. I did manage to re-build it from scratch during the pandemic, but that has meant that now there are TWO sites to support instead of one. 😱 But these next nine months will be a fun challenge. I decided to rip the bandaid off and officially point the domain to the new site a couple weeks ago. My goal is to try to grow from 4,000 to 8,000 paying members! 100% growth in 9 months?Easy peasy. 💁🏻‍♂️Okay maybe not easy peasy exactly but these aren’t huge numbers, generally speaking. As someone who’s first internet job was answering phone calls on the night shift for Amazon customer service in 1998, I turned away more paying customers in the 15 minutes that I broke the homepage that one time than I need to achieve this goal. BUT! SHIT! To grow I would need to probably do some marketing… only problem is that I’m kind of terrible at marketing (or maybe it’s just that I am allergic to it). Why not both? Yeah, it’s definitely both. I tell myself I want things to speak for themselves instead of having to try to convince people that something is good. But really, there’s some part of me that doesn’t want to ask people to sign up because… I JUST DON’T WANT TO, OKAY?! Leave me alone.But wait! I could use ChatGPT to help me comb through over 11,000 testimonials so that I didn’t have to say anything! And I could let people who know and use and love the site can do all the talking![Cue diabolical laughter][Cue my inner child tentatively uncurling from the fetal position]So, I exported all of the notes of inspiration into a CSV, uploaded into ChatGPT’s canvas mode, and began asking LoTs Of QuEsTiOnS based on the contents of the data set. It was very exciting! There seemed to be a perfect testimonial for almost every question I asked it to look for! It was only after several hours of work that I realized ChatGPT was coming up with its own testimonials that matched what I was looking for. 😱 WTFFFFFFFFF????Bad ChatGPT! 😡Back to the drawing board, this time with the VERY STRONG REQUEST to ONLY USE DIRECT QUOTES, which IT ITSELF told me to include in my prompt, and to also cross-reference every quote with the row it existed on in my CSV so I could also double check that it was actually sticking to this rule.That worked for a bit but then slowly drifted into hallucination land again… UGH![Several days of hand-writing and frustration pass…]I eventually resigned myself to re-uploading the CSV every time I asked a follow-up question and requested that it only reference IDs and never actually print any of the text from the testimonials. Eventually, I settled on a few prompts that I thought would generate interesting results when I cross-referenced them with the CSV, turning 11,000 testimonials into 4,000, and then 4,000 into a couple hundred. At the end of this brackish process, and so much cross-referencing, I discovered that there’s a very fat tail of high-quality and interesting testimonials that is much larger than a couple hundred. So the final 200 we identified may or may not be the truly “best” ones from the set, but I’m happy with them and we’re moving on. Also, side note: the quotes from actual humans were way more fun and interesting than the ones ChatGPT had hallucinated, maybe because they had so much more variety of personality, life circumstance, and word choice.Yes, ChatGPT, that was a dig. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll catch up and pass us in personality and quirks in the next year, so I’m gonna relish this little lead while humans still hold it.The resultsLong story short(-ish)…I tried a few different ways of categorizing the testimonials: by theme, by area of life affected, by whether it was a personal story or a review of 750 or a note meant primarily to inspire others, and a few other ways. Interestingly enough, the one that felt the best and that ChatGPT also felt best fit the data set, was to group them by the benefit they got from using 750 Words.We played around with that and eventually combined a few categories and re-ordered them to fit into a kind of OODA Loop (another fun rabbit hole if you aren’t familiar with the term) that looks like this:The OODA Loop of discovering ourselves, building confidence, choosing consistency, and sparking self-expression OBSERVE: Processing emotions, finding clarity, understanding ourselves better ORIENT: Re-building confidence and conviction in our own value DECIDE: Celebrating the value of building a consistent writing habit ACT: Sparking creative momentum, new ideas, and expressionIt’s kind of incredible how this loop (each step reinforcing the others, and improving as a whole through each iteration) just emerged from the data. I wasn’t looking for it, and neither was ChatGPT (at least, not explicitly). Here is a case where hallucination comes in handy, it’s how that last step of ACTION generates something surprising and delightful and honest, which then feeds right into the first step again of OBSERVING this new insight and then ORIENTING around it, etc.This IS the creative, generative, BEING FULLY ALIVE process that we are always looking for but rarely know which rocks to look under for it.1. OBSERVE testimonialsProcessing emotions, finding clarity, understanding ourselves better“This digital journey has been one accompanied by so much pain, frustration, loss, rebirth, growth, and dare I say… enlightenment. 750words.com has been my therapy dojo as much or more so than my time in actual therapy while negotiating a divorce, the deaths of family and friends, heartbreak in new relationships, processing the absolutely surreal uptick in global insanity, and of course, a petri dish for culturing dreams and vision. Onward to the next million words.”— Eric“I have been an intermittent 750 words journaller for a while. I always struck gold around 600 words, making it well worth it, but hadn’t ever maintained more than a 30 day streak. Then, a few months ago, I was struggling to keep my spirits up in the thick of a long recovery from serious illness. I could see progress every day but it was still hard to imagine that progress would ever add up to the ‘normal’ life I had lost. I hoped that writing about it would keep me saner and help me mark the passing time. This week, I earned both Hefty Tome and Phoenix badges as I marked one year since diagnosis. Here’s to getting through the tough days — to sticking around for a chance at better days to come!”— susspring“I have been more at peace since I can empty my mind (and heart) of all the things that weigh me down. This practice of writing each morning helps me to gain a focus for each day. It has helped to take the sting out of this solitary journey I’m on.”— Rocky“Vocalizing my feelings and inadequacies gets increasingly more difficult as I get older (I am currently twenty-seven years old), and writing them down first thing in the morning is almost like therapy for me.”— Coryn“I have suffered from some severe losses over the past couple of years and this has been so cathartic as I can write what I feel, and not worry about what others think of it, or if it is even written well.”— Norm“Days, weeks, month after my dad’s burial and my grief was breaking and eating me thin. I lost weight and am looking like a teen at 40. 750 words was that woman or man I needed to just shut up and listen while I poured out my grief and heaven knows how this came to the rescue.”— Wa“750 words has grounded and centered me and is a comforting voice to all that is going on in my mind, heart and soul. Anytime I am worried or upset I know writing these pages will calm, soothe, and give an authentic picture to what is going on in my inner world and space to bring out into to the open so that I can deal with the issues that arise. It’s amazing how relaxing it is. This routine and habit has become for me something I do with joy and alacrity no matter what the mood is of the content matter of what I write.”— Kay“There’s something incredible about having a little sliver of time dedicated daily to writing, and it became really important to me. Some days I felt like I had nothing to say and struggled to hit the mark, and other days I pulled up the site specifically because I wanted to say things that I couldn’t say to anyone else. My favorite thing about writing is that it can be whatever you need it to be, and this site captures that so well.”— Allyson“When I write down all my thoughts daily it allows me to feel more rested and relaxed… like a weight has been lifted. Not to mention all the snippets of short stories, poetry, and novel ideas that seem to appear.”— Renda“My girlfriend just broke up with me, and I spent most of yesterday crying over her; meanwhile, I lost a two-month streak. But I’ve written my words for today, and I’m going to bounce back from this, fighting my way, one day at a time. One day at a time.”— Daniel“There were times when I was diligently working on writing and I would need these — what I call — writing temper tantrums. I couldn’t stay focused on what I wanted to write — so I finally would give in to my two year old writer, grab a crayon and clean piece of paper and allow myself to go at it!! It is like giving yourself a 750 word melt down!”— Chantele“I’ve been able to rant and cuss and say things I’d never say out loud in order to come back to a difficult person or situation in a calm, collected, and emotionally healthy manner. This site has changed my life for the better.”— Rashel“I started writing on 750 Words a couple of months ago when my dad died. Last Monday my mom died and I am staying in their empty house till after the funeral. I just signed in & bookmarked 750 Words so I could empty myself of my feelings every day while I’m here. Thanks for being there.”— Stoogeswoman2. ORIENT testimonialsRe-building confidence and conviction in our own value“The victory is that I’m back in school, not hating myself and my life. The victory is that I’ve been consistent in this and a couple of other things for three whole months, which for someone with ADHD is an Apollo 11-level achievement.”— Emily“The biggest thing that has come out of this one month challenge is me ending my 2 year abusive relationship and beginning to move on. Without 750 words I know what I am doing would have been much more difficult. I am almost to 100,000 words and I know that I am finally on the right path, despite how difficult these last weeks have been. Thank you for everything. You have truly changed my life.”— Amanda“Besides just forging the writing habit in me and thus making me much more capable writer, this site has helped me push myself, it has helped me to achieve the consistency needed to achieve big goals, it has built up my work ethic, and slowly and surely it has made me see that I can do anything at all in the world.” — Jarkko“I’ve gone through many traumatic experiences over the years and have needed therapy, but have not been able to afford it. I have been re-constructing on my own, therefore, and 750 Words has really been very effective in this re-construction of myself. So far, I’ve been able to define the ways that I feel on a day-to-day basis, I’ve been able to identify behavioral patterns, and I’ve been able to knock down many of my demons and triggers in the process. It’s increased my mental stability, honestly, and I don’t think I’ll ever give it up.”— Coryn“What started as a journey to write my first work of fiction turned into a quest to write to heal. I’ve grown more bold in writing what is true for me. I used writing to explore my identity, question my internal programming, and recall all the things that are good about me.”— Ren“This site has changed my life. I’ve noticed that I am becoming more aware of my life and what is most important. Writing about things like that each morning, no wonder.”— James“In the process of journey — I find a lot of positive changes in me. I am less worried about things — once they’ve written out you start seeing them from a different angle and you find that most of the worries are silly. I feel that I have a better control of my thoughts — I haven’t reached the state of enlightenment yet — but I feel that the firm grasp of incessant thinking has somewhat relaxed and mostly because of the meditation I practice while typing 750 words daily.”— Geniyat“The time writing everyday has become my sacred time where I can explore every inch of my mind while being tethered to the present which has had a great positive impact on reducing my ruminating and increasing my ability to focus. Additionally, writing about the day’s events helps me to process my stress, figure out viable solutions or at the very least, unburden my mind.”— Chantele“It was a breakthrough moment somewhere along this ride of writing when it dawned upon me that writing in this way is immensely helpful and supportive in working towards healthy and loving conversations with loved ones — friends and family.”— Marikanina“It is part of my daily morning routine, cup of coffee by my side. Most often I use it to write about my night dreams — a core part of my spiritual life — or to work out difficult problems in my life. It’s refreshing for this perfectionist to not have to worry about typos or grammar and to just do a brain dump as fast as my fingers can go (they can never keep up with my mind).”— Rashel“I’d like you to know that 750words.com has changed my life. I live with ADD and, as such, my head is normally a constant jumble of competing thoughts. Writing 750 words every day has helped me to sort out the signal from the noise and has lead me down a whole new path for my life.”— Anonymous3. DECIDE testimonialsCelebrating the value of building a consistent writing habit“Over two years and almost nine full months ago I started my journey on 750 words. Now, 799 completed days and a 485 day streak later I have broken the magical limit of one million words. Someone might call for a badge for it, but for me personally just seeing that kind of a number up there is a reward in itself.”— Jarkko“I’ve been wanting to write stuff for about 7 years since my last book and nothing really happened on it because there was always something else more important to do. Then I came across 750 words and — like many of the people on this site — life changed. 75 days later I’d completed two month-challenges and built up a 75-day streak.”— Andy“Being unemployed, 750 words has given me something to look forward to every day, and allows me to focus on my fears, my hopes, my joys as well as heartbreaks.”— Norm“750 Words has shown me that daily spontaneous writing takes only 10 or 15 minutes. It doesn’t have to be a Big Thing that eats up my other writing time. And nearly every day, it clarifies my thoughts or priorities, or sparks a new idea or two. Completely worthwhile. I also love that my writing disappears when I’m done. I know it’s archived and I can get it back, but I feel free to write honestly or exaggerate or complain, and those pages won’t be hanging around visible next time I visit the website. Much better than having to open a document and scroll down and then store it somewhere myself.”— grrlpup“I’ve been using this site for nearly 5 years, and it has become an integral part of my life. I’ve written 1.3 million words of journaling, school work, creative writing, complaining, and thinking out loud about whatever happened to be in my head.”— Allyson“When I was in elementary school I relied heavily on writing to cope with the bullying I endured. Over the years writing has become my safety net but I have never been able to keep a journal to document my thoughts due to the paranoia of someone reading it — I’d be mortified. The reason I love 750 words is because it’s where I can jot down my thoughts & not have to worry about people peering into a public Tumblr post or a journal that I left misplaced. I’ve seen an immense improvement in my writing & I am content that I can clear my head in a private space. For that I am eternally grateful.”— Annel“I know some people don’t care for badges for various reasons. For me, however, they’ve been fun and they’ve been helpful. It’s a small thing, so one wouldn’t think that it would make much difference, but it does. Why? Because while I love to write, it’s one of the few things that I do for me, and because it is, prioritizing the time to do it sometimes feels selfish, especially on days when I have so much to do for everyone else. Having a badge to work towards gives me a reason to prioritize myself, even if it’s only for fifteen or so minutes a day. If I just want to sit down and write for myself, I’m likely to let other things get in the way.”— NocturnalRites“The positive impact that 750w has had on me, and my life, is nearly indescribable… Er, it may have been, prior to my daily habit that is now well over 1300 days. But now? I could write vivid descriptions about pretty much anything, and that alone is something worthy of deep gratitude and appreciation. The key benefit for me — and for anyone committed to 750w on a daily basis IMHO — is all about mental health and clarity. No matter how many times I feel like I have a handle on something that’s happening in my life — e.g. an upcoming decision — when I spend a few minutes in 750w writing about it — just dumping the thoughts on the page, no filter — 100% of the time I discover some new aspect or detail that sparks a valuable insight. Those insights wind up driving some of the best decisions and choices I’ve made during these 1300+ days of my streak… as well as saved me from some potentially disastrous ones.”— christopher“The achievement badges hooked me. I wrote daily to earn badges. I signed on for monthly challenges. I wrote quickly to earn a badge. I wrote late at night and then in the early morning to earn more badges. I wrote a draft for NaNoWriMo to earn that badge. I accidentally broke a streak, cried for a few minutes, and then wrote again the next day, glad to be relieved of the pressure to maintain a streak, but still, I wrote daily. Yesterday, on the last day of 2021, I passed the 4 million words milestone. This site has changed my writing life — really, in many ways, it has changed my life!”— writinglife67“Thing is, I’m primarily a writer, but I had totally lost my writing groove. I had no idea how important daily writing was to the writer until I decided to try to get back, not only into the habit, but the MINDSET of being a writer.”— Noel4. ACT testimonialsSparking creative momentum, new ideas, and expression“What a joy this site is. I can’t imagine a morning without it, it’s helped my productivity in addition to just providing me a canvas to input whatever I need to at that moment. It can be exciting stuff, and it can be painful stuff. I’ve been writing on this website through writing 2 albums, designing 3 games, failing 3 personal relationships, deaths of pets and close friends. This humble white void has seen a lot of my darkness and a lot of my light. A lot of my life.”— Malev“Yesterday I reached 100,000 words. Lots of words, and some of them helped me write papers last spring; some of them helped me participate in classes and respond to reading intelligently. Some of them bolstered my spiritual journey; some called in aid for other people who were in need of prayers. Some words took me on a short fictional journey through characters I have created. Some words helped me process complex emotions during my first year of a second marriage. I may have written 100,000 words before, maybe even a million words, multiple times, but not with the discipline and focus that I got from visiting this site every morning and having it count my words, analyze their content to some extent, and reward me for my daily grind with silly animal stickers.”— Anonymous“Writing every day on 750words.com lets me write to my novel, publishing, sometimes four chapters in a week: twenty-thousand words, and lets me look into myself and see myself in my characters and see in other people an actual person who has hopes, dreams, fears, and a job to get done, and admire them, now, just as they are.”— geophf“This year I finished NaNoWriMo and I know I couldn’t have done it without this site. Because of 750words I’ve written for 128 days in a row. I’ve developed the discipline that I previously lacked. Writing a book isn’t a pipe dream anymore.”— Kristie“Two of the short stories I’ve written since starting 750 words have been published. On a 116 day streak now, I’ve found my writing has improved every day that I’ve spent here. I usually use it more as a mind-dump than a motivator to work on fiction, but it’s precisely that mind-dump that allows me to work on said fiction when I’m done. With all of this world’s worries left on the page, I can dive headfirst into the worlds I’m crafting in my mind, with no hesitation or distractions from stray thoughts. It really is amazing.”— Ashleigh“My proudest writing accomplishment in these million words is writing the toast I gave for my daughter and her new husband at their wedding six weeks ago. It is the best thing I have ever written, and it became that because I rewrote it several times, and I did that because of this site.”— Bob“The muse is alert — creative potential percolating in the far recesses of my mind where the cobwebs are getting swept away. I see them flutter in a ghostly breath, the awakening of inspiration after a long slumber.”— RockyBONUS. A few bonus ones for an extra dose of inspiration“Keep going, you guys. No, seriously. Go. Type. Outline. Ramble. Do one more character sketch. Make that grocery list. Whatever it is you’re doing. Keep reaching for that next writing goal dancing just in front of you, and the next, and the next, whatever your personal reasons for showing up in this wonderful space every day. Trust that those reasons are valid and your time doing these words will be worth it. Trust that they matter. I know how hard it is some days to believe you have something worthwhile to say, or that you have the ability to say it well. Show up anyway, put your fingers on the keyboard anyway, because that spiteful little voice is full of lies, and its only purpose is to hold you back. To keep you from taking creative and personal risks. You are so much more capable than you think. So go prove it, to yourself if no one else.”— Amy“Writing every day can be challenging, and even anxiety-inducing for those of us who strive to be better at our craft. Keep. Going. Today, I close out my first week on the 750 Words platform with an inspiring breakthrough in story writing — and I’m sure continued diligence will be duly rewarded.”— celrerystick“I encourage everyone who has a love of writing — do not stop — find your voice, find your brave and put words to paper. I am SO grateful to 750 Words for helping me commit to myself. The writing community that has encouraged and shared their stories — their triumphs and set backs we ALL learn from one another and are there for one another. I am grateful for that! It does not matter if you are an ‘egg’ or challenging yourself with 50k words in month — don’t stop! The joy is in the writing!” — ChanteleScreenshot of the page on 750 words that lists all the notes in chronological order, by likes, and by cupsRead the most recent notes at 750words.com/notesIf for some crazy reason you are still hungry for more testimonials, you can browse more recent ones here.What’s next?I’m sure you’re thinking, sure Buster, you say you don’t like marketing but here you are publishing a 20+ minute post of marketing hype! Yeah… I’m as surprised as you are! Who knew? 😬My last post about the benefits of private journaling was over 10 years ago, though, so rest assured that very likely this is a once-in-a-decade kind of anomaly.Better than meditationMeditation is awesome! But…betterhumans.pubThe thing is, I DO NOT want you to think I’m saying that 750 Words is tHe OnLy TrUe WaY to practice private journaling and writing every day. It’s obviously not. Grab a notebook and read The Artist’s Way, that’ll work too! I also love James Pennebaker’s comment (in one of those links I included above) about how you can get all the benefits of private journaling if you simply write with your finger on the air!Try any of these methods that resonates with you! Write with your finger in the air! Dictate your words to your Notes app on your phone! Write in a physical journal long-hand! Use one of the many other journaling apps out there!I will say that if the testimonials you read seem a bit unhinged and hyperbolic that you try out at least one of these methods — whichever one resonates most with you! It really is kind of immediately apparent once you do real free-writing without filters or any thought about other people seeing it. It can become a trusted direct line to your real self! The benefits compound over time because the OODA loop reinforces itself and as you start to understand yourself better, and gain confidence and conviction in your worth, and building a consistent habit that you can do in a couple minutes a day, and this leads to new creative insights and breakthroughs that then feed back into what you are observing as SURPRISING AND DELIGHTFUL AND CREATIVE within yourself and the loop gets more and more streamlined and gunk with each loop.GO DO IT!OR NOT!EITHER WAY HAVE A NICE DAY!", "content_html": "

Cue movie trailer voice, “In a land before time…”

Hm, that’s not quite right. Okay, got it. Cue scratchy old man’s voice, “Four score minus 25 years ago today, when I was but a wee lad…”

That’s too derivative, damn it. I guess I gotta just be me, BBB. Okay, well, this coming December 16th, a little website called 750words.com is gonna turn 15 years old. It was inspired by the idea of morning pages in Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way, but online and with lots of silly stats and animal badges. While reading testimonials I came across this description of the site from a long-time member back in 2017 when she was only about a month in, and I thought it captured the spirit of things really well:

“750words.com is very dynamic and tailorable with plenty of reward systems (badges, challenges, acknowledgment of word goal achievement, etc) and ways to engage in a social capacity while still having my work remain as private as I would like it to be.

The analysis of the entry is a nice touch too because it allows me to evaluate and know what I have written without going back to read over it.

The no rules part is liberating because it allows me to just write; I don’t have to think about sentence structure or typos or other things that might slow me down while writing.

While I often write in the morning, having the whole day to accomplish the goal allows me to have flexibility.

My life has changed in unexpected ways as I am able to focus better and understand myself better, regarding my goals, attributes, weaknesses, and how I plan to move forward. Thirty-seven days in and still going strong.”— Chantele

But 750 Words really a very simple site. Just a blank slate every day to write on. The idea is to put thoughts down that have nowhere else to go.

Screenshot of the writing page on 750words.com750words.com’s simple writing page

750 words is the equivalent of 3 hand-written pages — enough to force some of the quieter open loops in our mind to spill themselves out, not so much that it takes longer than 10–14 minutes if you do it without distraction.

When you get to 750 words, it celebrates with some confetti 🎉 and gives you a link to some fun analytics about your words.

When you consistently write for a series of days, or write fast, or write early or late, or write every day for a whole month, you get badges, for example:

The truth is, however, that the magic isn’t in the features. It’s all in the practice itself. There’s something cleansing and freeing about writing 3 pages of unfiltered stream-of-consciousness every day as a way of digging out all those open looped thoughts and either giving them more attention or letting them go. That simple activity clears away some mind clutter and tills a fresh plot of brain soil for creativity to unfurl out of. I believed back then — and deeply know in my bones now — that the practice of writing every day, in a way that’s private, unfiltered, and spontaneous, and most importantly FOR YOU AND YOU ALONE… is one of the best gifts you can give yourself. It feels like a gift.

If you wanna get nerdy about it, there’s even some rEsEaRcH to support this. James Pennebaker is a researcher that I’ve been following for years and he has a really accessible approach to describing how private journaling can improve both physical and mental health with very little effort. Here are a few interviews and books that I’ve found to be enlightening:

If you like rabbit holes to travel down with all kinds of implications and insights along the way, I highly recommend this one with Pennebaker. A charming thing about him is that whenever someone says something hyperbolic about the research, he corrects them and kind of destroys the sound bite. I love that about him.

But… not many people know this and it’s a tough thing to really explain. Some people, like me, are just drawn to journaling and have been doing it in fits and starts (with piles of filled and unfilled notebooks to prove it) for their whole lives. When I tell them about this site they usually get it immediately and never hear about it again until 9 years later when they say that they’re on on a 3000 day streak or something and I need to create more badges for them (I’m looking at you, Liene 👀).

Enter 11,000 Notes of Inspiration

Because private journaling is such a solitary activity — by design! — there has been a way for people to write public “notes of inspiration” when they passed a significant writing streak or total word count milestone.

Here’s the very first one… from March 12th, 2010, which I probably created to test the feature:

The first note of inspiration. Yes, I set the bar low.For the last 15 years, over 11,000 notes of inspiration have been written (more are written every day). They’re the only way for people using the site to communicate publicly and interact with one another, and since you get these “cups of patronage” when you donate or when you complete a monthly challenge, etc, they are often written at moments of celebration and gratitude and they show up in daily nudge emails and other places. There have been so many amazing notes of inspiration over the years, but no way to browse or search them once they scrolled out of the most recent few. So many gems of inspiration, hidden in the stream of the past.

Let people speak for themselves

After leaving Medium’s product team last month, I’ve decided to dedicate nine months to working full-time attempting to turn 750 Words into a rEaL sUsTaInAbLe BuSiNeSs. My co-parent/business partner, Kellianne, has been keeping the site alive and managing the support queue during most of this time, but my involvement has been limited to fixing urgent things for most of its life. I did manage to re-build it from scratch during the pandemic, but that has meant that now there are TWO sites to support instead of one. 😱 But these next nine months will be a fun challenge. I decided to rip the bandaid off and officially point the domain to the new site a couple weeks ago. My goal is to try to grow from 4,000 to 8,000 paying members! 100% growth in 9 months?

Easy peasy. 💁🏻‍♂️

Okay maybe not easy peasy exactly but these aren’t huge numbers, generally speaking. As someone who’s first internet job was answering phone calls on the night shift for Amazon customer service in 1998, I turned away more paying customers in the 15 minutes that I broke the homepage that one time than I need to achieve this goal. BUT! SHIT! To grow I would need to probably do some marketing… only problem is that I’m kind of terrible at marketing (or maybe it’s just that I am allergic to it). Why not both? Yeah, it’s definitely both. I tell myself I want things to speak for themselves instead of having to try to convince people that something is good. But really, there’s some part of me that doesn’t want to ask people to sign up because… I JUST DON’T WANT TO, OKAY?! Leave me alone.

But wait! I could use ChatGPT to help me comb through over 11,000 testimonials so that I didn’t have to say anything! And I could let people who know and use and love the site can do all the talking!

[Cue diabolical laughter]

[Cue my inner child tentatively uncurling from the fetal position]

So, I exported all of the notes of inspiration into a CSV, uploaded into ChatGPT’s canvas mode, and began asking LoTs Of QuEsTiOnS based on the contents of the data set. It was very exciting! There seemed to be a perfect testimonial for almost every question I asked it to look for! It was only after several hours of work that I realized ChatGPT was coming up with its own testimonials that matched what I was looking for. 😱 WTFFFFFFFFF????

Bad ChatGPT! 😡

Back to the drawing board, this time with the VERY STRONG REQUEST to ONLY USE DIRECT QUOTES, which IT ITSELF told me to include in my prompt, and to also cross-reference every quote with the row it existed on in my CSV so I could also double check that it was actually sticking to this rule.

That worked for a bit but then slowly drifted into hallucination land again… UGH!

[Several days of hand-writing and frustration pass…]

I eventually resigned myself to re-uploading the CSV every time I asked a follow-up question and requested that it only reference IDs and never actually print any of the text from the testimonials. Eventually, I settled on a few prompts that I thought would generate interesting results when I cross-referenced them with the CSV, turning 11,000 testimonials into 4,000, and then 4,000 into a couple hundred. At the end of this brackish process, and so much cross-referencing, I discovered that there’s a very fat tail of high-quality and interesting testimonials that is much larger than a couple hundred. So the final 200 we identified may or may not be the truly “best” ones from the set, but I’m happy with them and we’re moving on. Also, side note: the quotes from actual humans were way more fun and interesting than the ones ChatGPT had hallucinated, maybe because they had so much more variety of personality, life circumstance, and word choice.

Yes, ChatGPT, that was a dig. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll catch up and pass us in personality and quirks in the next year, so I’m gonna relish this little lead while humans still hold it.

The results

Long story short(-ish)…

I tried a few different ways of categorizing the testimonials: by theme, by area of life affected, by whether it was a personal story or a review of 750 or a note meant primarily to inspire others, and a few other ways. Interestingly enough, the one that felt the best and that ChatGPT also felt best fit the data set, was to group them by the benefit they got from using 750 Words.

We played around with that and eventually combined a few categories and re-ordered them to fit into a kind of OODA Loop (another fun rabbit hole if you aren’t familiar with the term) that looks like this:

The OODA Loop of discovering ourselves, building confidence, choosing consistency, and sparking self-expression

It’s kind of incredible how this loop (each step reinforcing the others, and improving as a whole through each iteration) just emerged from the data. I wasn’t looking for it, and neither was ChatGPT (at least, not explicitly). Here is a case where hallucination comes in handy, it’s how that last step of ACTION generates something surprising and delightful and honest, which then feeds right into the first step again of OBSERVING this new insight and then ORIENTING around it, etc.

This IS the creative, generative, BEING FULLY ALIVE process that we are always looking for but rarely know which rocks to look under for it.

1. OBSERVE testimonials

Processing emotions, finding clarity, understanding ourselves better

“This digital journey has been one accompanied by so much pain, frustration, loss, rebirth, growth, and dare I say… enlightenment. 750words.com has been my therapy dojo as much or more so than my time in actual therapy while negotiating a divorce, the deaths of family and friends, heartbreak in new relationships, processing the absolutely surreal uptick in global insanity, and of course, a petri dish for culturing dreams and vision. Onward to the next million words.”— Eric

“I have been an intermittent 750 words journaller for a while. I always struck gold around 600 words, making it well worth it, but hadn’t ever maintained more than a 30 day streak. Then, a few months ago, I was struggling to keep my spirits up in the thick of a long recovery from serious illness. I could see progress every day but it was still hard to imagine that progress would ever add up to the ‘normal’ life I had lost. I hoped that writing about it would keep me saner and help me mark the passing time. This week, I earned both Hefty Tome and Phoenix badges as I marked one year since diagnosis. Here’s to getting through the tough days — to sticking around for a chance at better days to come!”— susspring

“I have been more at peace since I can empty my mind (and heart) of all the things that weigh me down. This practice of writing each morning helps me to gain a focus for each day. It has helped to take the sting out of this solitary journey I’m on.”— Rocky

“Vocalizing my feelings and inadequacies gets increasingly more difficult as I get older (I am currently twenty-seven years old), and writing them down first thing in the morning is almost like therapy for me.”— Coryn

“I have suffered from some severe losses over the past couple of years and this has been so cathartic as I can write what I feel, and not worry about what others think of it, or if it is even written well.”— Norm

“Days, weeks, month after my dad’s burial and my grief was breaking and eating me thin. I lost weight and am looking like a teen at 40. 750 words was that woman or man I needed to just shut up and listen while I poured out my grief and heaven knows how this came to the rescue.”— Wa

“750 words has grounded and centered me and is a comforting voice to all that is going on in my mind, heart and soul. Anytime I am worried or upset I know writing these pages will calm, soothe, and give an authentic picture to what is going on in my inner world and space to bring out into to the open so that I can deal with the issues that arise. It’s amazing how relaxing it is. This routine and habit has become for me something I do with joy and alacrity no matter what the mood is of the content matter of what I write.”— Kay

“There’s something incredible about having a little sliver of time dedicated daily to writing, and it became really important to me. Some days I felt like I had nothing to say and struggled to hit the mark, and other days I pulled up the site specifically because I wanted to say things that I couldn’t say to anyone else. My favorite thing about writing is that it can be whatever you need it to be, and this site captures that so well.”— Allyson

“When I write down all my thoughts daily it allows me to feel more rested and relaxed… like a weight has been lifted. Not to mention all the snippets of short stories, poetry, and novel ideas that seem to appear.”— Renda

“My girlfriend just broke up with me, and I spent most of yesterday crying over her; meanwhile, I lost a two-month streak. But I’ve written my words for today, and I’m going to bounce back from this, fighting my way, one day at a time. One day at a time.”— Daniel

“There were times when I was diligently working on writing and I would need these — what I call — writing temper tantrums. I couldn’t stay focused on what I wanted to write — so I finally would give in to my two year old writer, grab a crayon and clean piece of paper and allow myself to go at it!! It is like giving yourself a 750 word melt down!”— Chantele

“I’ve been able to rant and cuss and say things I’d never say out loud in order to come back to a difficult person or situation in a calm, collected, and emotionally healthy manner. This site has changed my life for the better.”— Rashel

“I started writing on 750 Words a couple of months ago when my dad died. Last Monday my mom died and I am staying in their empty house till after the funeral. I just signed in & bookmarked 750 Words so I could empty myself of my feelings every day while I’m here. Thanks for being there.”— Stoogeswoman

2. ORIENT testimonials

Re-building confidence and conviction in our own value

“The victory is that I’m back in school, not hating myself and my life. The victory is that I’ve been consistent in this and a couple of other things for three whole months, which for someone with ADHD is an Apollo 11-level achievement.”— Emily

“The biggest thing that has come out of this one month challenge is me ending my 2 year abusive relationship and beginning to move on. Without 750 words I know what I am doing would have been much more difficult. I am almost to 100,000 words and I know that I am finally on the right path, despite how difficult these last weeks have been. Thank you for everything. You have truly changed my life.”— Amanda

“Besides just forging the writing habit in me and thus making me much more capable writer, this site has helped me push myself, it has helped me to achieve the consistency needed to achieve big goals, it has built up my work ethic, and slowly and surely it has made me see that I can do anything at all in the world.” — Jarkko

“I’ve gone through many traumatic experiences over the years and have needed therapy, but have not been able to afford it. I have been re-constructing on my own, therefore, and 750 Words has really been very effective in this re-construction of myself. So far, I’ve been able to define the ways that I feel on a day-to-day basis, I’ve been able to identify behavioral patterns, and I’ve been able to knock down many of my demons and triggers in the process. It’s increased my mental stability, honestly, and I don’t think I’ll ever give it up.”— Coryn

“What started as a journey to write my first work of fiction turned into a quest to write to heal. I’ve grown more bold in writing what is true for me. I used writing to explore my identity, question my internal programming, and recall all the things that are good about me.”— Ren

“This site has changed my life. I’ve noticed that I am becoming more aware of my life and what is most important. Writing about things like that each morning, no wonder.”— James

“In the process of journey — I find a lot of positive changes in me. I am less worried about things — once they’ve written out you start seeing them from a different angle and you find that most of the worries are silly. I feel that I have a better control of my thoughts — I haven’t reached the state of enlightenment yet — but I feel that the firm grasp of incessant thinking has somewhat relaxed and mostly because of the meditation I practice while typing 750 words daily.”— Geniyat

“The time writing everyday has become my sacred time where I can explore every inch of my mind while being tethered to the present which has had a great positive impact on reducing my ruminating and increasing my ability to focus. Additionally, writing about the day’s events helps me to process my stress, figure out viable solutions or at the very least, unburden my mind.”— Chantele

“It was a breakthrough moment somewhere along this ride of writing when it dawned upon me that writing in this way is immensely helpful and supportive in working towards healthy and loving conversations with loved ones — friends and family.”— Marikanina

“It is part of my daily morning routine, cup of coffee by my side. Most often I use it to write about my night dreams — a core part of my spiritual life — or to work out difficult problems in my life. It’s refreshing for this perfectionist to not have to worry about typos or grammar and to just do a brain dump as fast as my fingers can go (they can never keep up with my mind).”— Rashel

“I’d like you to know that 750words.com has changed my life. I live with ADD and, as such, my head is normally a constant jumble of competing thoughts. Writing 750 words every day has helped me to sort out the signal from the noise and has lead me down a whole new path for my life.”— Anonymous

3. DECIDE testimonials

Celebrating the value of building a consistent writing habit

“Over two years and almost nine full months ago I started my journey on 750 words. Now, 799 completed days and a 485 day streak later I have broken the magical limit of one million words. Someone might call for a badge for it, but for me personally just seeing that kind of a number up there is a reward in itself.”— Jarkko

“I’ve been wanting to write stuff for about 7 years since my last book and nothing really happened on it because there was always something else more important to do. Then I came across 750 words and — like many of the people on this site — life changed. 75 days later I’d completed two month-challenges and built up a 75-day streak.”— Andy

“Being unemployed, 750 words has given me something to look forward to every day, and allows me to focus on my fears, my hopes, my joys as well as heartbreaks.”— Norm

“750 Words has shown me that daily spontaneous writing takes only 10 or 15 minutes. It doesn’t have to be a Big Thing that eats up my other writing time. And nearly every day, it clarifies my thoughts or priorities, or sparks a new idea or two. Completely worthwhile. I also love that my writing disappears when I’m done. I know it’s archived and I can get it back, but I feel free to write honestly or exaggerate or complain, and those pages won’t be hanging around visible next time I visit the website. Much better than having to open a document and scroll down and then store it somewhere myself.”— grrlpup

“I’ve been using this site for nearly 5 years, and it has become an integral part of my life. I’ve written 1.3 million words of journaling, school work, creative writing, complaining, and thinking out loud about whatever happened to be in my head.”— Allyson

“When I was in elementary school I relied heavily on writing to cope with the bullying I endured. Over the years writing has become my safety net but I have never been able to keep a journal to document my thoughts due to the paranoia of someone reading it — I’d be mortified. The reason I love 750 words is because it’s where I can jot down my thoughts & not have to worry about people peering into a public Tumblr post or a journal that I left misplaced. I’ve seen an immense improvement in my writing & I am content that I can clear my head in a private space. For that I am eternally grateful.”— Annel

“I know some people don’t care for badges for various reasons. For me, however, they’ve been fun and they’ve been helpful. It’s a small thing, so one wouldn’t think that it would make much difference, but it does. Why? Because while I love to write, it’s one of the few things that I do for me, and because it is, prioritizing the time to do it sometimes feels selfish, especially on days when I have so much to do for everyone else. Having a badge to work towards gives me a reason to prioritize myself, even if it’s only for fifteen or so minutes a day. If I just want to sit down and write for myself, I’m likely to let other things get in the way.”— NocturnalRites

“The positive impact that 750w has had on me, and my life, is nearly indescribable… Er, it may have been, prior to my daily habit that is now well over 1300 days. But now? I could write vivid descriptions about pretty much anything, and that alone is something worthy of deep gratitude and appreciation. The key benefit for me — and for anyone committed to 750w on a daily basis IMHO — is all about mental health and clarity. No matter how many times I feel like I have a handle on something that’s happening in my life — e.g. an upcoming decision — when I spend a few minutes in 750w writing about it — just dumping the thoughts on the page, no filter — 100% of the time I discover some new aspect or detail that sparks a valuable insight. Those insights wind up driving some of the best decisions and choices I’ve made during these 1300+ days of my streak… as well as saved me from some potentially disastrous ones.”— christopher

“The achievement badges hooked me. I wrote daily to earn badges. I signed on for monthly challenges. I wrote quickly to earn a badge. I wrote late at night and then in the early morning to earn more badges. I wrote a draft for NaNoWriMo to earn that badge. I accidentally broke a streak, cried for a few minutes, and then wrote again the next day, glad to be relieved of the pressure to maintain a streak, but still, I wrote daily. Yesterday, on the last day of 2021, I passed the 4 million words milestone. This site has changed my writing life — really, in many ways, it has changed my life!”— writinglife67

“Thing is, I’m primarily a writer, but I had totally lost my writing groove. I had no idea how important daily writing was to the writer until I decided to try to get back, not only into the habit, but the MINDSET of being a writer.”— Noel

4. ACT testimonials

Sparking creative momentum, new ideas, and expression

“What a joy this site is. I can’t imagine a morning without it, it’s helped my productivity in addition to just providing me a canvas to input whatever I need to at that moment. It can be exciting stuff, and it can be painful stuff. I’ve been writing on this website through writing 2 albums, designing 3 games, failing 3 personal relationships, deaths of pets and close friends. This humble white void has seen a lot of my darkness and a lot of my light. A lot of my life.”— Malev

“Yesterday I reached 100,000 words. Lots of words, and some of them helped me write papers last spring; some of them helped me participate in classes and respond to reading intelligently. Some of them bolstered my spiritual journey; some called in aid for other people who were in need of prayers. Some words took me on a short fictional journey through characters I have created. Some words helped me process complex emotions during my first year of a second marriage. I may have written 100,000 words before, maybe even a million words, multiple times, but not with the discipline and focus that I got from visiting this site every morning and having it count my words, analyze their content to some extent, and reward me for my daily grind with silly animal stickers.”— Anonymous

“Writing every day on 750words.com lets me write to my novel, publishing, sometimes four chapters in a week: twenty-thousand words, and lets me look into myself and see myself in my characters and see in other people an actual person who has hopes, dreams, fears, and a job to get done, and admire them, now, just as they are.”— geophf

“This year I finished NaNoWriMo and I know I couldn’t have done it without this site. Because of 750words I’ve written for 128 days in a row. I’ve developed the discipline that I previously lacked. Writing a book isn’t a pipe dream anymore.”— Kristie

“Two of the short stories I’ve written since starting 750 words have been published. On a 116 day streak now, I’ve found my writing has improved every day that I’ve spent here. I usually use it more as a mind-dump than a motivator to work on fiction, but it’s precisely that mind-dump that allows me to work on said fiction when I’m done. With all of this world’s worries left on the page, I can dive headfirst into the worlds I’m crafting in my mind, with no hesitation or distractions from stray thoughts. It really is amazing.”— Ashleigh

“My proudest writing accomplishment in these million words is writing the toast I gave for my daughter and her new husband at their wedding six weeks ago. It is the best thing I have ever written, and it became that because I rewrote it several times, and I did that because of this site.”— Bob

“The muse is alert — creative potential percolating in the far recesses of my mind where the cobwebs are getting swept away. I see them flutter in a ghostly breath, the awakening of inspiration after a long slumber.”— Rocky

BONUS. A few bonus ones for an extra dose of inspiration

“Keep going, you guys. No, seriously. Go. Type. Outline. Ramble. Do one more character sketch. Make that grocery list. Whatever it is you’re doing. Keep reaching for that next writing goal dancing just in front of you, and the next, and the next, whatever your personal reasons for showing up in this wonderful space every day. Trust that those reasons are valid and your time doing these words will be worth it. Trust that they matter. I know how hard it is some days to believe you have something worthwhile to say, or that you have the ability to say it well. Show up anyway, put your fingers on the keyboard anyway, because that spiteful little voice is full of lies, and its only purpose is to hold you back. To keep you from taking creative and personal risks. You are so much more capable than you think. So go prove it, to yourself if no one else.”— Amy

“Writing every day can be challenging, and even anxiety-inducing for those of us who strive to be better at our craft. Keep. Going. Today, I close out my first week on the 750 Words platform with an inspiring breakthrough in story writing — and I’m sure continued diligence will be duly rewarded.”— celrerystick

“I encourage everyone who has a love of writing — do not stop — find your voice, find your brave and put words to paper. I am SO grateful to 750 Words for helping me commit to myself. The writing community that has encouraged and shared their stories — their triumphs and set backs we ALL learn from one another and are there for one another. I am grateful for that! It does not matter if you are an ‘egg’ or challenging yourself with 50k words in month — don’t stop! The joy is in the writing!” — ChanteleScreenshot of the page on 750 words that lists all the notes in chronological order, by likes, and by cups

Read the most recent notes at 750words.com/notes

If for some crazy reason you are still hungry for more testimonials, you can browse more recent ones here.

What’s next?

I’m sure you’re thinking, sure Buster, you say you don’t like marketing but here you are publishing a 20+ minute post of marketing hype! Yeah… I’m as surprised as you are! Who knew? 😬

My last post about the benefits of private journaling was over 10 years ago, though, so rest assured that very likely this is a once-in-a-decade kind of anomaly.

Better than meditationMeditation is awesome! But…betterhumans.pub

The thing is, I DO NOT want you to think I’m saying that 750 Words is tHe OnLy TrUe WaY to practice private journaling and writing every day. It’s obviously not. Grab a notebook and read The Artist’s Way, that’ll work too! I also love James Pennebaker’s comment (in one of those links I included above) about how you can get all the benefits of private journaling if you simply write with your finger on the air!

Try any of these methods that resonates with you!

I will say that if the testimonials you read seem a bit unhinged and hyperbolic that you try out at least one of these methods — whichever one resonates most with you! It really is kind of immediately apparent once you do real free-writing without filters or any thought about other people seeing it. It can become a trusted direct line to your real self! The benefits compound over time because the OODA loop reinforces itself and as you start to understand yourself better, and gain confidence and conviction in your worth, and building a consistent habit that you can do in a couple minutes a day, and this leads to new creative insights and breakthroughs that then feed back into what you are observing as SURPRISING AND DELIGHTFUL AND CREATIVE within yourself and the loop gets more and more streamlined and gunk with each loop.

GO DO IT!

OR NOT!

EITHER WAY HAVE A NICE DAY!

", "url": "https://busterbenson.com/2024/12/03/i-analyzed-15-years-of-testimonials-from-users-of-750-words", "external_url": "https://buster.medium.com/i-analyzed-15-years-of-testimonials-from-users-of-750words-com-to-learn-how-journaling-helped-them-9665c93814e8", "tags": ["project","750-words"], "date_published": "2024-12-03T00:00:00+00:00", "date_modified": "2024-12-03T00:00:00+00:00", "author": "me" }, { "id": "https://busterbenson.com/2024/11/13/october-report-month-one-of-this-experiment-in-sustainability", "title": "October report! Month one of this experiment in sustainability", "summary": null, "content_text": "It’s been a little over a month since I quit my job and decided to work on 750 Words full time for about 6 months (or however long my portioned savings last). The experiment is to see if it might be possible to survive without getting another job in tech for even longer than that, because working on this would be so much more fulfilling and fun.The goal remains: to find a way to grow from ~4,500 paying members to 8,500 before the summer of 2025. To do this in a way that keeps 750 Words feeling simple, non-annoying, and focused on helping people more than making money.Here’s what happened in the last month in terms of the goal: Member Growth: We started the month with 4,620 paying members and ended the month with 4,656, which means we gained 36 paying members in the month. This is a slight increase from the 31 paying members we gained in September (16% increase). Not much but at least it’s in the right direction. Trials: I’m only counting Member Growth for people who actually paid for membership after the free trial ends, but if I look at the number of people starting memberships but who are still in their trial phase, we grew from 33 in September to 51 in October, which is 56% increase month-over-month. That looks more promising and I’m hoping this trend continues.To be on pace to hit the goal we’d need to grow by about 500 members per month consistently. We’re not going to get their in incremental steps, we’ll need to find a way to reach a lot more people than we currently are. October was really about getting the foundation set up for us to do a bigger marketing push to reach people that aren’t hearing about 750 through word of mouth alone.Here’s a list of improvements to the product that happened in October: I announced this little experiment in growing 750 Words on October 11th, and got a very encouraging amount of excitement and offers for support! There are still many ideas and offers I haven’t followed up on yet, but that will hopefully start to happen more when we get to the marketing phase this month. Moved new.750words.com to be the default domain at 750words.com (and moved the original 750words.com to original.750words.com). This was trickier than it should’ve been but overall happened fairly smoothly. I drew the 750k words badge (Anthology). I have a backlog of a few more badges I promised in October that I haven’t gotten to yet. I’m sorry! It’s just a different workflow to draw rather than write code, but I should block out time for it every week. Maybe it can be a Friday afternoon kind of thing? Added a way to share your stats page and get credit for any new signups and members that come through your link. It doesn’t seem to be used much so far, so will need to think about if that’s because it’s tough to discover or the page still isn’t quite interesting enough to share. I also haven’t yet implemented the part where you get a badge when someone signs up from your link. I should at the very least get that implemented. Added 3 more font choices to the customization options for your writing page. Now those of you who are fans of sans serif and monospace fonts have some options to pick from! Asked people to [invite their friends to the November Challenge](https://750words.com/play/word-of-the-day! One thing I love about the community here is that people seem very very willing to help. As a result we ended up having more people in the November Challenge than we have in a long time. I will probably repeat this every month for the near future… so get ready to help spread the word! Fixed a bunch of small bugs, including but not limited to: improvements to the daily nudge email to show you where in the monthly challenge you are (if you are), make the green boxes at the top of the writing page and profile pages work a bit better, made search case-insensitive, improved the export to be more like it was in V1, made the monthly challenge page load better by adding pagination. Started a larger feature around groups to clear the way for different ways to add prompts for people who want a bit more structure and/or fun in their daily writing. Word of the Day is the first proof-of-concept, which didn’t launch in October, but since this update is late I’m going to include it anyway. Early feedback is pretty positive! Quietly launched a $10/month “fancy” membership tier (also in November, not October) to see if there was any interest in it with new signups, and if it actually worked (looks like the answers are yes and yes after a couple days). This will make more sense when I finish the new Silly Robot group that will be part of the $10 tier and a few other perks. For now, if you have any interest in switching to the fancy plan just out of the goodness of your heart, you can do that now by going to your Account page and clicking on the Edit Membership button.So, that’s both a lot and not a lot when I think about how I have 6-9 months for this and I’m now already done with one of those months.November will be the month that I hope to be able to start doing some real marketing out in the world. To do that I want to create a few more badges, polish up the Word of the Day group, finish the Silly Robot, and hopefully find 5-10 people who work with writers or participate in writer communities to help be my marketing think tank. I know a few people have already offered to help here so this is my reminder to myself to actually follow up and get this phase started!I feel very grateful to have such a supportive community of people here, and am excited for what we’re gonna do this month.If you have any questions or feedback", "content_html": "

It’s been a little over a month since I quit my job and decided to work on 750 Words full time for about 6 months (or however long my portioned savings last). The experiment is to see if it might be possible to survive without getting another job in tech for even longer than that, because working on this would be so much more fulfilling and fun.

The goal remains: to find a way to grow from ~4,500 paying members to 8,500 before the summer of 2025. To do this in a way that keeps 750 Words feeling simple, non-annoying, and focused on helping people more than making money.

Here’s what happened in the last month in terms of the goal:

To be on pace to hit the goal we’d need to grow by about 500 members per month consistently. We’re not going to get their in incremental steps, we’ll need to find a way to reach a lot more people than we currently are. October was really about getting the foundation set up for us to do a bigger marketing push to reach people that aren’t hearing about 750 through word of mouth alone.

Here’s a list of improvements to the product that happened in October:

So, that’s both a lot and not a lot when I think about how I have 6-9 months for this and I’m now already done with one of those months.

November will be the month that I hope to be able to start doing some real marketing out in the world. To do that I want to create a few more badges, polish up the Word of the Day group, finish the Silly Robot, and hopefully find 5-10 people who work with writers or participate in writer communities to help be my marketing think tank. I know a few people have already offered to help here so this is my reminder to myself to actually follow up and get this phase started!

I feel very grateful to have such a supportive community of people here, and am excited for what we’re gonna do this month.

If you have any questions or feedback

", "url": "https://busterbenson.com/2024/11/13/october-report-month-one-of-this-experiment-in-sustainability", "external_url": "https://community.750words.com/c/blog/one-month-into-this-full-time-experiment", "tags": ["project","750-words"], "date_published": "2024-11-13T00:00:00+00:00", "date_modified": "2024-11-13T00:00:00+00:00", "author": "me" }, { "id": "https://busterbenson.com/2024/10/24/a-new-way-to-share-stats", "title": "A new way to share stats", "summary": null, "content_text": "If you go to your stats page after writing 750 words you should now see a new button that starts off by saying “Stats sharing is OFF”. Like this:If you click that button, you will be given an opportunity to configure your sharing preferences. One of the main things that I never want to change about 750 Words is that the writing is private. So for now the sharing feature will always be turned off by default, and will have to be turned on explicitly for every entry. The idea being that the only time you need to turn sharing on is when you explicitly want to send stats for a specific entry.I don’t want things to be shared automatically, and for now I’m also leaving out word clouds from the things that you can share (let me know if you feel strongly about wanting to share word clouds and I might re-consider… the old 750 site did allow it after all).When you turn stats sharing on for an entry, it’ll let you choose which parts of the stats page will be public.And you can then copy that sharable link and post it to your social media or community or wherever you want. Here’s an example of how that link looks:https://750words.com/stats/buster/fPpsZufuIKlet8pLbzSpA lot of the discussions about this included giving some kind of incentive for people to share. THAT IS COMING! For now, behind the scenes it will track people who click the sharable link and create an account. And I will work on a badge that will be earned when that happens. I wanted to get this out as quickly as possible to get feedback, to make sure this felt okay. And also, if you have ideas for what animal and name the badge should have, please share them!Next up will be a way to create a link that goes to your profile and includes more of a “pitch” for 750 Words, and also a slightly more marketing-y treatment. I wanted to start with this first since it’s more of an intrinsic thing to want to share that you wrote, without having to feel like you’re selling something.GIMME YOUR FEEDBACK! What do you like? What should be different?", "content_html": "

If you go to your stats page after writing 750 words you should now see a new button that starts off by saying “Stats sharing is OFF”. Like this:

If you click that button, you will be given an opportunity to configure your sharing preferences. One of the main things that I never want to change about 750 Words is that the writing is private. So for now the sharing feature will always be turned off by default, and will have to be turned on explicitly for every entry. The idea being that the only time you need to turn sharing on is when you explicitly want to send stats for a specific entry.

I don’t want things to be shared automatically, and for now I’m also leaving out word clouds from the things that you can share (let me know if you feel strongly about wanting to share word clouds and I might re-consider… the old 750 site did allow it after all).

When you turn stats sharing on for an entry, it’ll let you choose which parts of the stats page will be public.

And you can then copy that sharable link and post it to your social media or community or wherever you want. Here’s an example of how that link looks:

https://750words.com/stats/buster/fPpsZufuIKlet8pLbzSp

A lot of the discussions about this included giving some kind of incentive for people to share. THAT IS COMING! For now, behind the scenes it will track people who click the sharable link and create an account. And I will work on a badge that will be earned when that happens. I wanted to get this out as quickly as possible to get feedback, to make sure this felt okay. And also, if you have ideas for what animal and name the badge should have, please share them!

Next up will be a way to create a link that goes to your profile and includes more of a “pitch” for 750 Words, and also a slightly more marketing-y treatment. I wanted to start with this first since it’s more of an intrinsic thing to want to share that you wrote, without having to feel like you’re selling something.

GIMME YOUR FEEDBACK! What do you like? What should be different?

", "url": "https://busterbenson.com/2024/10/24/a-new-way-to-share-stats", "external_url": "https://community.750words.com/c/blog/a-new-way-to-share-stats", "tags": ["project","750-words"], "date_published": "2024-10-24T00:00:00+00:00", "date_modified": "2024-10-24T00:00:00+00:00", "author": "me" }, { "id": "https://busterbenson.com/2024/10/18/want-to-help-750-words-become-sustainable", "title": "Want to help 750 Words become sustainable?", "summary": null, "content_text": "This is a bit weird to write, but here goes. I left my lovely job at Medium a couple weeks ago to try something kinda crazy. Between now and the summer of 2025 (the next 6-9 months), I’m going to be working hard to try to grow 750 Words enough so I can work on the site full-time in a sustainable way (it currently requires dipping deeply into savings, hence the kinda crazy part, but also a very fortunate opportunity to have).750 Words turns 15 years old in December, and it’s a project that I have always felt inspired and delighted by because it seems to just work, and there are so many stories from people about how private journaling has helped lives in meaningful ways. I cannot express how great it would be to be able to dedicate all my time to increasing that impact—there are a bunch of ideas piled up over the last 15 years that are dying to become real!Over the next 6-9 months we’re gonna try to grow 750 Words from 4,638 that we have today, to 8,500 paying members. Yeah, that’s almost double, which is a LOT! But then again we’ve never done any marketing or sales or anything like that since this launched in 2009. I guess it’s time to give it a swing?We want to do this all out in the open because that’s how 750 has always been run (including that time back in 2013 when we almost shut it down because it was still a free site and growing too fast to support). We want to invite people who want to help, whether it be with ideas, skills, moral support, snacks, interpretive dance, bardic inspiration, tasteful roasting, or anything else! I know there will be ideas from the community that will be much better than anything we are able to come up with ourselves.Consider this post, and other posts tagged with #make-750-sustainable as an open invitation for you to share thoughts, ideas, questions, etc anytime between now and whenever my savings that I’ve put aside for this crazy experiment run out.Let’s brainstorm! 🧠🌩️", "content_html": "

This is a bit weird to write, but here goes. I left my lovely job at Medium a couple weeks ago to try something kinda crazy. Between now and the summer of 2025 (the next 6-9 months), I’m going to be working hard to try to grow 750 Words enough so I can work on the site full-time in a sustainable way (it currently requires dipping deeply into savings, hence the kinda crazy part, but also a very fortunate opportunity to have).

750 Words turns 15 years old in December, and it’s a project that I have always felt inspired and delighted by because it seems to just work, and there are so many stories from people about how private journaling has helped lives in meaningful ways. I cannot express how great it would be to be able to dedicate all my time to increasing that impact—there are a bunch of ideas piled up over the last 15 years that are dying to become real!

Over the next 6-9 months we’re gonna try to grow 750 Words from 4,638 that we have today, to 8,500 paying members. Yeah, that’s almost double, which is a LOT! But then again we’ve never done any marketing or sales or anything like that since this launched in 2009. I guess it’s time to give it a swing?

We want to do this all out in the open because that’s how 750 has always been run (including that time back in 2013 when we almost shut it down because it was still a free site and growing too fast to support). We want to invite people who want to help, whether it be with ideas, skills, moral support, snacks, interpretive dance, bardic inspiration, tasteful roasting, or anything else! I know there will be ideas from the community that will be much better than anything we are able to come up with ourselves.

Consider this post, and other posts tagged with #make-750-sustainable as an open invitation for you to share thoughts, ideas, questions, etc anytime between now and whenever my savings that I’ve put aside for this crazy experiment run out.

Let’s brainstorm! 🧠🌩️

", "url": "https://busterbenson.com/2024/10/18/want-to-help-750-words-become-sustainable", "external_url": "https://community.750words.com/c/blog/want-to-help-750-words-become-sustainable", "tags": ["project","750-words"], "date_published": "2024-10-18T00:00:00+00:00", "date_modified": "2024-10-18T00:00:00+00:00", "author": "me" }, { "id": "https://busterbenson.com/2024/10/10/be-be-be", "title": "48 — Be Buster Benson, BBB, Be Be Be, 🐝🐝🐝", "summary": null, "content_text": "Wow, it’s October. For the last 18 years I’ve reviewed my life and posted an annual review around my birthday in May, and have done so for the most part rather promptly. Here I am over 4 whole months later, starting maybe my 10th draft of this damned thing, still at a complete loss for words around how to talk about what is happening in my life. To be honest, I haven’t had much luck talking about my life for 5 or 6 years… maybe since I burned out on tech and publishing during and after the release of my book in 2019. The pandemic came as a relief at the beginning of 2020, I remember, in that twisted way that some introverts and burnouts were able to guiltily confess in private messages to one another at the time. Despite the upheaval to the world and our lives, we all suddenly had bigger problems to fry / better excuses to provide for why self-expression, personal branding, and social networking activity had dropped to record lows.During that long period of social distancing, remote working, async communicating, and splintering into smaller and more private communities, a lot still continued to happen, but we (or was it just me?) lost track of what was happening to everyone else.I extended my break from the tech world, and decided the publishing world wasn’t for me either. I got a pandemic separation, then divorce. I doubled down on therapy, app dating, doom scrolling, impulse shopping, stress eating, and nesting in my small apartment. My primary inner circle shifted to group texts and Discord servers, away from the increasingly toxic public social platforms. My personal interests circled around frameworks of meaning-making from tarot cards, symbol systems, clocks and calendars, the occult, internal family systems, nondualism, attachment theory, trauma and healing modalities, psychedelics, yoga, meditation, and the creative pursuit.The trajectory of my mental state can be traced by the arc of my last four annual reviews: 2020: Year of the Amateur (losing bearings, starting over) 2021: Year of Reconstellation (getting bearings, take 1) 2022: A Blagenflorble Heart (getting bearings, take 2) 2023: CHALANT ☄️ (getting bearings, take 3)The general pattern of which was to dig deeper and deeper into my sense of self and the world until I reached something that could pass as stable ground to build on, safe from all danger. A foundation on which bearings for a sense of self could be rebuilt.CHALANT served me pretty well. It gave me permission to care about things again, even if they weren’t necessarily approved as things to care about. A quick definition if you don’t want to read the whole post about it: CHALANT (adj): obviously, the opposite of nonchalant. Whereas nonchalant is cool, casual, etc in an easy but affected way, chalant is explicitly not cool, not casual, and not affected. It’s kinda sweaty and gross and awkward, as well as often feeling embarrassingly earnest. Trying too hard. Caring too much.Part of the reason this year’s annual review has been so difficult to write was because CHALANT was continuing to be useful in the way I was approaching things. Let me point to evidence of CHALANT bringing back a very real spark of aliveness to my life.Buying a CHALANT house on a hillLast December, in a very unexpected series of events, I ended up moving into the quirky house of my dreams! It was built by Christopher Alexander — author of A Pattern Language — and has its own Wikipedia page. More than that, though, is it just feels like I was meant to be here, and I can’t believe I ever had to live anywhere else. I feel like this house cares about us and for us as we live within its walls.A CHALANT re-acquaintance with trees, birds, parks, and natureOne of many hikes taken around the Bay AreaNew CHALANT relationship energyI’m very grateful for the weird dating app algorithmic universe that we live in these days that has connected me to Sarah. She’s a delightful, bad ass, and inspiring human who has already greatly expanded my understanding and enjoyment of many things including but not limited to tree and bird identification, advanced cocktail preparation, mountain cabins, forest care and prescribed burning, chainsaws, neuroscience vs woo, cedar baths in zen gardens, sound baths in hammocks, smutty literature, remote cabins in fjords, notebooks filled with all the lists, trips planned years in advance, long days spent doing nothing at all, sunset appreciation clubs, and more, and all of it is a whole lotta fun.So that’s happening.A bouquet of CHALANT kittensPancake gave birth to 4 kittens on May 8thI didn’t plan to become a cat gentleman, but I also didn’t not plan to become a cat gentleman. And turns out nothing is more CHALANT than being attacked by kittens, then immediately being used as a bed for very urgent kitten naps, and then having to post a hundred cat pictures to the internet and canceling all plans for the rest of the day.A very CHALANT visit to family in Japan with my kids and momA Japanese family reunion, touring Tokyo and Kyotos shrines and temples, Sky Tree, TeamLab, Open Air Gallery in HakoneMy mom immigrated from Japan to the US in her early 20s. When I was young, we went back every summer for 6 week visits, and I have a lot of memories with my cousins and uncles and aunts and grandmother up to about the year 1998 when post-college life basically brought an end to long vacations. 26 years later… my kids have never left the US, and my tiny cousins now have their own kids that are older than their parents were the last time I saw them. My mom also hadn’t been back to visit for at least 15 years either. Being able to re-connect with family in Japan across 3 generations was amazing and all the things. A very formative trip we’ll all remember for the rest of our lives!A strange aside: With the help of translation apps I could communicate with my cousins, aunts, uncles, and other family members for the first time! Getting around on trains was also super simple with Google Maps, and ChatGPT even helped me find a small store where I could buy a replacement micro-USB cord that Louie had lost in the shuffle somewhere. Technology is weird and a mixed bag these days, but when it allows me to visit a foreign country and have substantive conversations with my Japanese relatives for the first time ever, and discover the ins-and-outs of a neighborhood almost as well as any local, I have to reluctantly admit that it kinda felt like pure magic.All projects abound in CHALANT energySpeaking at Medium Day, my Lunisolar Calendar, and 750 WordsMy home, my kids, my relationship, my kittens, my family, and my creative projects have all come together in a way that is helping me stay oriented to what makes me feel the most alive.Even as specific projects and jobs end and begin, there are themes and arcs that carry forward from new to old to new again. Last week was my last week as an employee at Medium. And this week, I have begun my 6-month experiment in trying to take 750 Words to the next level of sustainability and fun. At the heart of both of these endeavors is a belief that writing brings us closer to ourselves and to the world. Putting energy behind this, via multiple projects, is definitely worthy of my time and energy and attention.Life without a centerThe theme I want to play with this year that builds on top of chalant is the letting go of having a central organizing principle, or purpose. It’s easy to see why putting energy into living authentically makes sense, but I think in order to really do this well I need to also let go of things making sense.Becoming more like a sprawling rhizome than a branching tree.Living without a center is kind of difficult to articulate, but it’ll be fun to make an attempt! Think of how a tree has a trunk that splits into branches, and those split into yet finer branches, and those continue differentiating into leaves. Everything can be said to come from the trunk even if it’s several degrees removed. When a thing has a central organizing principle that captures the essence of the whole, a thing becomes much easier to grasp with our minds and therefore it becomes easier to talk about, understand, build on top of, etc.Now think of the structure of neurons in our brain, mycelium networks connecting all the roots of trees in a forest, roads connecting cities on a map, computer servers wiring together across oceans and satellites to form the Internet.Tree-like things just make more sense than rhizome-like things. Planets, solar systems, and galaxies make more sense than galaxy filaments (the largest known structures in our universe). Things-without-centers are less coherent, they make LESS sense (to us, at least), but they are just as real.When our lives have a central purpose, drive, motivating impulse, etc, they become easier to think and talk about, and this feels like progress in many ways for the simple fact that it becomes easier to think and talk about. Regardless of the content of the central purpose.Shifting from a life organized around a central principle or purpose towards a life without one probably feels like step in the wrong direction. But the “wrong direction” is a construct of tree-like thinking.Yes, loosening the death grip that striving for a central purpose in life has on us is… disorienting. It feels like a phase shift where all the metaphors and reference points have been tossed out, perhaps with nothing to replace them (though you’ll have to pry metaphors from my cold, dying hands). Suddenly it feels like I’m a stranger in a strange land. On the other hand, everything feels fresh and full with life! It feels a lot slower, more wander-y, a little bit as if I’ve been plucked out of time. Generally, it seems, life without a center feels a lot sillier as well.The seed of this idea that was planted in last year’s post, and has been germinating for a while. It began like this: 🍎 In mask life everything is enjoyed through narrative progress, plot, cause-and-effect, earning status, paying debt, acquiring success, credit, and riches. It fits well with school, career, relationship goals, family goals, politics, sports, games, heroic quests, quarterly results, and battles between good and evil. 🍊 In gooey life, on the other hand, everything is enjoyed through simply having the pleasure of being alive and having this shared moment to participate in the wild chaotic dance of life with everyone and everything else.So much of my life to date (primarily in mask life mode aka life with a center mode aka tree mode) has been about preparing for challenges, racing up the learning curve, meeting challenges head on, learning from setbacks, course correcting when errors are made, and learning how to get back on track. The meta learning curve of turning problems into opportunities. Of finding the space in the middle of the Ikigai Venn diagram.In this mode, whether life is “good” is a function of the ratio of preparation to unwelcome surprises, the ratio of meeting challenges vs being bested by them, the ratio of being able to learn vs becoming more rigid and afraid. Society is equipped with a billion ways to assess our value based on how well we are adapted to contributing to it. Like many others, I do okay at this game, and this ego boost tends to keep us playing, if only for the dopamine and sense of accomplishment.Gooey life aka life without a center mode aka rhizome mode, on the other hand, doesn’t have the convenient affordances of problems OR opportunities. As an inconsistently resourced human, my wavering sense of self will sometimes crave the cognitive ease (and predictable portioning of dopamine and serotonin) of a well-structured problem to hold onto, which life with a center is well-designed to provide. Grasping at opportunities is a base human instinct. The absence of these reference points for organizing life (even if they are problems) can feel like a problem in itself! It feels unfamiliar and weird and even a bit ominous/foreboding to not orient around problems and opportunities. This absence of the language and conceptual structure of problems, I’ve noticed, can create a new distinct species of uNcEnTeReD hUnCh that can’t be grasped or even articulated without down-shifting back into life with a center where narratives and concepts rule.When I’m able to stay in life without a center mode (and NOT down-shift into convenient concepts as a way to resist/dispel the uncomfortable and indistinct feeling of uneasiness or vertigo or groundlessness) things goo-ily ooze up and usually surprise me in their wiggly but distinctly and incontrovertibly TRUE way. Like a memory, or a flash of feeling, or an old part that was exiled long ago who needs a hug. There’s no side quest offered, no thing TO URGENTLY DO. Nothing to mask the squirminess of the raw and direct experience of being alive. What it feels like is more of an offering, or an open question without expectation of an answer. “Is it possible to welcome this uneasy uncomfortable vulnerable feeling that has just arrived from the deep labyrinths of my being?” Or will I push it off to that always-lurking warrior of problems / wizard-of-opportunities stationed right around the corner who’s willing to dutifully convert the feeling into a story that is then broken down into a concrete number of smaller problems that can be more easily processed and resolved?When life doesn’t have a center, I can just be curious about which of these paths I will take, or if something completely different will happen.If 🐝🐝🐝 was my only jobLiving without a center, without reference points for problems and opportunities, and spending more and more time re-integrating long exiled parts back into my sense of self, being curious about what will happen next, feeling my face smashed up against the present moment as it is happening… feels alive.I enjoy being myself. Whatever I am.Being myself is simple. It’s the simplest thing I could possibly do. It is also unconcerned with “shoulds” and even “coulds” that seem quite desirable from the perspective of mask life.I should do [responsible, wise thing] because it is responsible and wise.I should take advantage of [great opportunity] because it is a great opportunity.I could [solve big important problem that needs solving] because it does need solving, and it’s rare to be in a position to be able to solve it.The shoulds and coulds of risk and reward, both for problems and opportunities, have lost their shine. The stories and concepts that make them sparkle when looked at through the lens of mask life crumble away as false treasure.The cognitive ease they afford comes at a great price.Instead of shoulds and coulds I feel compelled by being in the stream of life’s never predictable surprises. Surprises aren’t interpreted as opportunities for rewards or threats of danger, they’re the pure and raw material of living experience that can’t be traded in for anything because they’re the only things that fully truly exist.This mode is speaking to me but it isn’t really speaking in words (hence the rambling plethora of words you see here. It’s speaking in energy, in vibes, in magnetism and gravity, and I feel drawn in directions that I’m only beginning to orient around. I feel gooey enough to let it take me wherever it wants to go.Doing that is what I am calling BBB this year. Being Buster Benson. 🐝🐝🐝 Not any of the Buster Benson facsimiles I created in order to fit into the world, not the center or wings of the Ikigai circles, not the outputs of so many long projects of trying to be understood by others. But rather the me that exists as a wandering wiggling wave within the ocean of everything that is happening, ready to participate in the full, endlessly surprising, whatever it is to be alive.", "content_html": "

Wow, it’s October. For the last 18 years I’ve reviewed my life and posted an annual review around my birthday in May, and have done so for the most part rather promptly. Here I am over 4 whole months later, starting maybe my 10th draft of this damned thing, still at a complete loss for words around how to talk about what is happening in my life. To be honest, I haven’t had much luck talking about my life for 5 or 6 years… maybe since I burned out on tech and publishing during and after the release of my book in 2019. The pandemic came as a relief at the beginning of 2020, I remember, in that twisted way that some introverts and burnouts were able to guiltily confess in private messages to one another at the time. Despite the upheaval to the world and our lives, we all suddenly had bigger problems to fry / better excuses to provide for why self-expression, personal branding, and social networking activity had dropped to record lows.

During that long period of social distancing, remote working, async communicating, and splintering into smaller and more private communities, a lot still continued to happen, but we (or was it just me?) lost track of what was happening to everyone else.

I extended my break from the tech world, and decided the publishing world wasn’t for me either. I got a pandemic separation, then divorce. I doubled down on therapy, app dating, doom scrolling, impulse shopping, stress eating, and nesting in my small apartment. My primary inner circle shifted to group texts and Discord servers, away from the increasingly toxic public social platforms. My personal interests circled around frameworks of meaning-making from tarot cards, symbol systems, clocks and calendars, the occult, internal family systems, nondualism, attachment theory, trauma and healing modalities, psychedelics, yoga, meditation, and the creative pursuit.

The trajectory of my mental state can be traced by the arc of my last four annual reviews:

The general pattern of which was to dig deeper and deeper into my sense of self and the world until I reached something that could pass as stable ground to build on, safe from all danger. A foundation on which bearings for a sense of self could be rebuilt.

CHALANT served me pretty well. It gave me permission to care about things again, even if they weren’t necessarily approved as things to care about. A quick definition if you don’t want to read the whole post about it:

CHALANT (adj): obviously, the opposite of nonchalant. Whereas nonchalant is cool, casual, etc in an easy but affected way, chalant is explicitly not cool, not casual, and not affected. It’s kinda sweaty and gross and awkward, as well as often feeling embarrassingly earnest. Trying too hard. Caring too much.

Part of the reason this year’s annual review has been so difficult to write was because CHALANT was continuing to be useful in the way I was approaching things. Let me point to evidence of CHALANT bringing back a very real spark of aliveness to my life.

Buying a CHALANT house on a hill

Last December, in a very unexpected series of events, I ended up moving into the quirky house of my dreams! It was built by Christopher Alexander — author of A Pattern Language — and has its own Wikipedia page. More than that, though, is it just feels like I was meant to be here, and I can’t believe I ever had to live anywhere else. I feel like this house cares about us and for us as we live within its walls.

A CHALANT re-acquaintance with trees, birds, parks, and nature

One of many hikes taken around the Bay Area

New CHALANT relationship energy

I’m very grateful for the weird dating app algorithmic universe that we live in these days that has connected me to Sarah. She’s a delightful, bad ass, and inspiring human who has already greatly expanded my understanding and enjoyment of many things including but not limited to tree and bird identification, advanced cocktail preparation, mountain cabins, forest care and prescribed burning, chainsaws, neuroscience vs woo, cedar baths in zen gardens, sound baths in hammocks, smutty literature, remote cabins in fjords, notebooks filled with all the lists, trips planned years in advance, long days spent doing nothing at all, sunset appreciation clubs, and more, and all of it is a whole lotta fun.

So that’s happening.

A bouquet of CHALANT kittens

Pancake gave birth to 4 kittens on May 8th

I didn’t plan to become a cat gentleman, but I also didn’t not plan to become a cat gentleman. And turns out nothing is more CHALANT than being attacked by kittens, then immediately being used as a bed for very urgent kitten naps, and then having to post a hundred cat pictures to the internet and canceling all plans for the rest of the day.

A very CHALANT visit to family in Japan with my kids and mom

A Japanese family reunion, touring Tokyo and Kyotos shrines and temples, Sky Tree, TeamLab, Open Air Gallery in HakoneMy mom immigrated from Japan to the US in her early 20s. When I was young, we went back every summer for 6 week visits, and I have a lot of memories with my cousins and uncles and aunts and grandmother up to about the year 1998 when post-college life basically brought an end to long vacations. 26 years later… my kids have never left the US, and my tiny cousins now have their own kids that are older than their parents were the last time I saw them. My mom also hadn’t been back to visit for at least 15 years either. Being able to re-connect with family in Japan across 3 generations was amazing and all the things. A very formative trip we’ll all remember for the rest of our lives!

A strange aside: With the help of translation apps I could communicate with my cousins, aunts, uncles, and other family members for the first time! Getting around on trains was also super simple with Google Maps, and ChatGPT even helped me find a small store where I could buy a replacement micro-USB cord that Louie had lost in the shuffle somewhere. Technology is weird and a mixed bag these days, but when it allows me to visit a foreign country and have substantive conversations with my Japanese relatives for the first time ever, and discover the ins-and-outs of a neighborhood almost as well as any local, I have to reluctantly admit that it kinda felt like pure magic.

All projects abound in CHALANT energy

Speaking at Medium Day, my Lunisolar Calendar, and 750 Words

My home, my kids, my relationship, my kittens, my family, and my creative projects have all come together in a way that is helping me stay oriented to what makes me feel the most alive.

Even as specific projects and jobs end and begin, there are themes and arcs that carry forward from new to old to new again. Last week was my last week as an employee at Medium. And this week, I have begun my 6-month experiment in trying to take 750 Words to the next level of sustainability and fun. At the heart of both of these endeavors is a belief that writing brings us closer to ourselves and to the world. Putting energy behind this, via multiple projects, is definitely worthy of my time and energy and attention.

Life without a center

The theme I want to play with this year that builds on top of chalant is the letting go of having a central organizing principle, or purpose. It’s easy to see why putting energy into living authentically makes sense, but I think in order to really do this well I need to also let go of things making sense.

Becoming more like a sprawling rhizome than a branching tree.

Living without a center is kind of difficult to articulate, but it’ll be fun to make an attempt! Think of how a tree has a trunk that splits into branches, and those split into yet finer branches, and those continue differentiating into leaves. Everything can be said to come from the trunk even if it’s several degrees removed. When a thing has a central organizing principle that captures the essence of the whole, a thing becomes much easier to grasp with our minds and therefore it becomes easier to talk about, understand, build on top of, etc.

Now think of the structure of neurons in our brain, mycelium networks connecting all the roots of trees in a forest, roads connecting cities on a map, computer servers wiring together across oceans and satellites to form the Internet.

Tree-like things just make more sense than rhizome-like things. Planets, solar systems, and galaxies make more sense than galaxy filaments (the largest known structures in our universe). Things-without-centers are less coherent, they make LESS sense (to us, at least), but they are just as real.

When our lives have a central purpose, drive, motivating impulse, etc, they become easier to think and talk about, and this feels like progress in many ways for the simple fact that it becomes easier to think and talk about. Regardless of the content of the central purpose.

Shifting from a life organized around a central principle or purpose towards a life without one probably feels like step in the wrong direction. But the “wrong direction” is a construct of tree-like thinking.

Yes, loosening the death grip that striving for a central purpose in life has on us is… disorienting. It feels like a phase shift where all the metaphors and reference points have been tossed out, perhaps with nothing to replace them (though you’ll have to pry metaphors from my cold, dying hands). Suddenly it feels like I’m a stranger in a strange land. On the other hand, everything feels fresh and full with life! It feels a lot slower, more wander-y, a little bit as if I’ve been plucked out of time. Generally, it seems, life without a center feels a lot sillier as well.

The seed of this idea that was planted in last year’s post, and has been germinating for a while. It began like this:

🍎 In mask life everything is enjoyed through narrative progress, plot, cause-and-effect, earning status, paying debt, acquiring success, credit, and riches. It fits well with school, career, relationship goals, family goals, politics, sports, games, heroic quests, quarterly results, and battles between good and evil.

🍊 In gooey life, on the other hand, everything is enjoyed through simply having the pleasure of being alive and having this shared moment to participate in the wild chaotic dance of life with everyone and everything else.

So much of my life to date (primarily in mask life mode aka life with a center mode aka tree mode) has been about preparing for challenges, racing up the learning curve, meeting challenges head on, learning from setbacks, course correcting when errors are made, and learning how to get back on track. The meta learning curve of turning problems into opportunities. Of finding the space in the middle of the Ikigai Venn diagram.

In this mode, whether life is “good” is a function of the ratio of preparation to unwelcome surprises, the ratio of meeting challenges vs being bested by them, the ratio of being able to learn vs becoming more rigid and afraid. Society is equipped with a billion ways to assess our value based on how well we are adapted to contributing to it. Like many others, I do okay at this game, and this ego boost tends to keep us playing, if only for the dopamine and sense of accomplishment.

Gooey life aka life without a center mode aka rhizome mode, on the other hand, doesn’t have the convenient affordances of problems OR opportunities. As an inconsistently resourced human, my wavering sense of self will sometimes crave the cognitive ease (and predictable portioning of dopamine and serotonin) of a well-structured problem to hold onto, which life with a center is well-designed to provide. Grasping at opportunities is a base human instinct. The absence of these reference points for organizing life (even if they are problems) can feel like a problem in itself! It feels unfamiliar and weird and even a bit ominous/foreboding to not orient around problems and opportunities. This absence of the language and conceptual structure of problems, I’ve noticed, can create a new distinct species of uNcEnTeReD hUnCh that can’t be grasped or even articulated without down-shifting back into life with a center where narratives and concepts rule.

When I’m able to stay in life without a center mode (and NOT down-shift into convenient concepts as a way to resist/dispel the uncomfortable and indistinct feeling of uneasiness or vertigo or groundlessness) things goo-ily ooze up and usually surprise me in their wiggly but distinctly and incontrovertibly TRUE way. Like a memory, or a flash of feeling, or an old part that was exiled long ago who needs a hug. There’s no side quest offered, no thing TO URGENTLY DO. Nothing to mask the squirminess of the raw and direct experience of being alive. What it feels like is more of an offering, or an open question without expectation of an answer. “Is it possible to welcome this uneasy uncomfortable vulnerable feeling that has just arrived from the deep labyrinths of my being?” Or will I push it off to that always-lurking warrior of problems / wizard-of-opportunities stationed right around the corner who’s willing to dutifully convert the feeling into a story that is then broken down into a concrete number of smaller problems that can be more easily processed and resolved?

When life doesn’t have a center, I can just be curious about which of these paths I will take, or if something completely different will happen.

If 🐝🐝🐝 was my only job

Living without a center, without reference points for problems and opportunities, and spending more and more time re-integrating long exiled parts back into my sense of self, being curious about what will happen next, feeling my face smashed up against the present moment as it is happening… feels alive.

I enjoy being myself. Whatever I am.

Being myself is simple. It’s the simplest thing I could possibly do. It is also unconcerned with “shoulds” and even “coulds” that seem quite desirable from the perspective of mask life.

I should do [responsible, wise thing] because it is responsible and wise.

I should take advantage of [great opportunity] because it is a great opportunity.

I could [solve big important problem that needs solving] because it does need solving, and it’s rare to be in a position to be able to solve it.

The shoulds and coulds of risk and reward, both for problems and opportunities, have lost their shine. The stories and concepts that make them sparkle when looked at through the lens of mask life crumble away as false treasure.

The cognitive ease they afford comes at a great price.

Instead of shoulds and coulds I feel compelled by being in the stream of life’s never predictable surprises. Surprises aren’t interpreted as opportunities for rewards or threats of danger, they’re the pure and raw material of living experience that can’t be traded in for anything because they’re the only things that fully truly exist.

This mode is speaking to me but it isn’t really speaking in words (hence the rambling plethora of words you see here. It’s speaking in energy, in vibes, in magnetism and gravity, and I feel drawn in directions that I’m only beginning to orient around. I feel gooey enough to let it take me wherever it wants to go.

Doing that is what I am calling BBB this year. Being Buster Benson. 🐝🐝🐝 Not any of the Buster Benson facsimiles I created in order to fit into the world, not the center or wings of the Ikigai circles, not the outputs of so many long projects of trying to be understood by others. But rather the me that exists as a wandering wiggling wave within the ocean of everything that is happening, ready to participate in the full, endlessly surprising, whatever it is to be alive.

", "url": "https://busterbenson.com/2024/10/10/be-be-be", "external_url": "https://buster.medium.com/48-be-buster-benson-bbb-be-be-be-ba0d51abcc7c", "tags": ["self-reflection","year-in-review"], "date_published": "2024-10-10T00:00:00+00:00", "date_modified": "2024-10-10T00:00:00+00:00", "author": "me" }, { "id": "https://busterbenson.com/2023/07/18/new-partner-program", "title": "New Partner Program incentives focus on high-quality human writing", "summary": null, "content_text": "", "content_html": "", "url": "https://busterbenson.com/2023/07/18/new-partner-program", "external_url": "https://medium.com/blog/new-partner-program-incentives-focus-on-high-quality-human-writing-7335f8557f6e", "tags": ["medium","product-management"], "date_published": "2023-07-18T00:00:00+00:00", "date_modified": "2023-07-18T00:00:00+00:00", "author": "me" }, { "id": "https://busterbenson.com/2023/06/11/new-experimental-feature-the-streak-fairy", "title": "New experimental feature: the Streak Fairy", "summary": null, "content_text": "We rolled out a new little feature that has been in testing for a few weeks and could really change the way 750 works. For that reason we’re not gonna fully commit to making it a permanent feature yet, but would love for people to try it and let us know what you think.The gist of it is that if you miss a day and break your streak, you will have 7 days to make up for the missed day with a “double” day (1,500 words instead of 750). When you do, a little fairy will pop up (where the little pop up usually shows up when you hit 750 words) and offer to repair the day that was missed. If multiple days have been missed within the week, it’ll offer this on the oldest of the missed days, and let you slowly patch it forward until the full gap is covered.This is a way to fix streaks that doesn’t require a streak patch and doesn’t require writing in to support and making your case, and yet still (in our opinion) feels pretty fair. We could make it an opt-in kind of thing too if some people don’t want it. Give us feedback so we can make it better!", "content_html": "

We rolled out a new little feature that has been in testing for a few weeks and could really change the way 750 works. For that reason we’re not gonna fully commit to making it a permanent feature yet, but would love for people to try it and let us know what you think.

The gist of it is that if you miss a day and break your streak, you will have 7 days to make up for the missed day with a “double” day (1,500 words instead of 750). When you do, a little fairy will pop up (where the little pop up usually shows up when you hit 750 words) and offer to repair the day that was missed. If multiple days have been missed within the week, it’ll offer this on the oldest of the missed days, and let you slowly patch it forward until the full gap is covered.

This is a way to fix streaks that doesn’t require a streak patch and doesn’t require writing in to support and making your case, and yet still (in our opinion) feels pretty fair. We could make it an opt-in kind of thing too if some people don’t want it. Give us feedback so we can make it better!

", "url": "https://busterbenson.com/2023/06/11/new-experimental-feature-the-streak-fairy", "external_url": "https://community.750words.com/c/blog/new-experimental-feature-the-streak-fairy", "tags": ["project","750-words"], "date_published": "2023-06-11T00:00:00+00:00", "date_modified": "2023-06-11T00:00:00+00:00", "author": "me" }, { "id": "https://busterbenson.com/2023/05/31/chalant", "title": "47 — CHALANT! ☄️", "summary": null, "content_text": "I’ve written an annual review every year for the last 17 years, and they’re getting weirder. This one is no exception! Here we go.I was about to start this review by talking about a thing I realized in therapy recently, until I read my review from last year and could see that I was talking about it back then too. Here it is anyway.Recently (aka over the last year or two), I’ve realized that my default solution to every personal challenge in life has been to craft a better mask. I think of masks as personality constructs that we can put on and use as an identity accessory that helps us fit in, avoid discomfort, reduce insecurity, get things done, etc. Perhaps you are familiar with these masks I speak of? Hmmm… 🤔I can pinpoint specific moments in my childhood where the experience of being my whole, authentic, undefended self was super confusing and painful. Because it was just the way I was, and I hadn’t explicitly chosen to be that way, the feedback seemed to be telling me that I was doing something wrong… that I should be different than I was by default. And so I, like many, took this idea to heart without a second thought. Done. Having this handy tool to redirect confusion and pain into various scripts, programs, and performances was LIFE-CHANGING. Perhaps even life-saving, in some ways. It felt that way at least. The feedback slowly improved. I could, it turns out, belong / fit in / feel accepted by others if I crafted these masks right. Success!Masks create protective distance between the soft gooey feelings that bubble up in me (may I also add that they arrive without a friendly hello much less an instruction manual for what I’m supposed to do with them) and the crisp and impatient demands of the external world (chop chop!). I cower in the middle trying to mediate this tense and awkward relationship, and over time as the masks have piled up I have tended to side more and more with the external world. Because soft gooey feelings are illegible, and weird, and uncomfortable, and did I say gooey? And there are all kinds of complicated emotions wrapped up in them that bust out like the Kool-Aid Man at the least convenient times.I mean, I changed my name. Twice. What better way to mask than to sever ties from our own name? I’ve often had this strong desire for a clean slate. To be free of all the gooey blobbity blop of the unresolved, unintelligible past. Every time I’ve moved or started a new job or met a new person I’ve tried to do so with a cleaner, crisper, more relatable mask. Even these annual reviews in a way are subtle attempts to refine my collection of masks to be more legible and accepted in the world. 🤯Underneath this drive has been this deep-seated belief that there was something truly awful lurking in the gooey, illegible, monstrous void that had been last seen causing all kinds of confusion and pain during various glimpses of my childhood.It wasn’t until a pandemic, a divorce, job burnout, health issues, heartbreak, and basically a collapse of my industrial masking system complex occurred that I took a step beyond talk therapy, beyond somatic therapy, and sought out some ✨psychedelic-assisted therapy✨. It was an hour or so into my first ketamine + MDMA journey that I was asked “So, why don’t you just come clean and tell me what is so secretly awful about your most inner self.”😱☠️👻HORROR UPON HORRORS! But, to my surprise… I was not only able to entertain the question, but to also find the answer under all the defenses, and to share it. The answer was not unlike this passage in The Little Prince.The Little Prince, Chapter 12“Why are you drinking? “ the little prince asked.“In order to forget” replied the drunkard.“To forget what?” enquired the little prince, who was already feeling sorry for him.“To forget that I am ashamed” the drunkard confessed, hanging his head.“Ashamed of what?” asked the little prince who wanted to help him.“Ashamed of drinking!” concluded the drunkard, withdrawing into total silence.And the little prince went away, puzzled.“Grown-ups really are very, very odd”, he said to himself as he continued his journey.The most awful secret about me™ is that I’m hiding under a pile of masks, and use masks to hide this awful secret from everyone. Dun dun dunnnnnn. And this is a runaway feedback loop creating an infinite hall of scripts, programs, and strategies to hide the fact that I’m hiding. Enter: mask tower of cards collapse.An aside: In my research, exploration, and discussion of this dynamic with others, I’ve learned a lot about autism and masking, and autistic burnout, which all sounds very similar to what I’m describing. I actually don’t know if I’m autistic or not, but maybe? 🤷‍♂️ It’s safe to say that I’m certainly a bit… neurodiverse. Let’s go with that for now. That said, I feel like this phenomenon probably happens to all kinds of people, basically anyone that gets wind of this snazzy masking tool early on and then leans on it hard for a couple decades.SO THAT HAPPPENEDAnd then what? Well, it’s been a process of de-masking. I think this is what I was actually talking about in my annual review 2 years ago where my word was reconstellate, which I defined as:Reconstellate: v. the potentially foolish act of dismantling various constellations (not only of stars but also of identity and worldview) in order to create space for new constellations to be formed.The idea of dismantling all of these mental constructs that we have never questioned and using those pieces to create new constellations that feel more grounded, authentic, whole… hmmmm… 🤔.At the time I wasn’t even sure what would happen when all of these lovingly crafted masks were dismantled. Is there anybody under there anymore? Or has that tiny blip of a human soul been snuffed out and now it’s just animatronic dancing masks all the way down?🎭🎭🎭🐢For a while there, this was a genuine question that I continued to explore with an array of therapeutic options. Spoiler alert: turns out I was still there. And I was still gooey and illegible. But… and this is the realization about mask life that I was not prepared to discover… the gooey feelings-y awkward part of myself is actually way more alive and healthy and delighted about basically everything than mask life has been.🍎 In mask life everything is enjoyed through narrative progress, plot, cause-and-effect, earning status, paying debt, acquiring success, credit, and riches. It fits well with school, career, relationship goals, family goals, politics, sports, games, heroic quests, and battles between good and evil.🍊 In gooey life, on the other hand, everything is enjoyed through simply having the pleasure of being alive and having this shared moment to participate in the wild chaotic dance of life with everyone else.And the flavor of enjoyment in the first case vs the second case is akin to reading an ancient text about enjoyment written 5,000 years ago vs directly experiencing it in the moment.INTERMISSIONThese posts usually have some structure to them but I’m kind of winging it this time and hopping wherever I feel like hopping. That’s the CHALANT way (which we will get to next). We live in a world where it’s futile to try to keep anyone’s attention for more than half a tweet anyway, so in a way this frees us to be as long-winded and windy as I wish. Hi. Do you need a glass of water? A bathroom break or stretch? Wanna take 5 and come back to this? I’ll put on some chill hold music.Link to playlist on SpotifyWHOLE AND BROKEN AT THE SAME TIMEAfter dismantling masks and constellations and realizing that being alive is gooey and doesn’t have to be legible to myself, much less others, what does one do? There is no script or program available for the task of living without scripts and programs. Thar’s the rub! My word of the year last year was blagenflorble (now breaking into truly illegible territory) which I defined as it relates to a blagenflorble heart:A blagenflorble heart isn’t concerned with repairing itself after every heartbreak. That is an ultimately futile task. Instead, a blagenflorble heart is about expanding the awareness of our hearts to allow ourselves to be both whole and broken at the same time. It’s about shifting from a mindset of feeling only one emotion at a time (and laboring to repair it each time it is hurt), to allowing all of the emotions to co-exist simultaneously, and being able to zoom in on each of them without negating the others.When I let go of making sense of my feelings to myself and others, I can just have all of them at once. Ah… what sweet and simple relief that is! Masks try to make things make sense for others, so they require us to create stories and explanations and justifications for how we’re feeling. The sad irony is that this prevents us from just feeling the feelings that we’re having, and listening to what they are trying to tell us! Turns out: THAT’S A PROBLEM. And it creates all kinds of other second-order feelings and stories about where they came from, whether they’re justified, whether you’re allowed to have them, etc. Fuck all that! As a good friend said in a blissful moment of direct honest kindness, “Own your fucking feelings, BUSTER.”Instead of being a hyper-vigilant feelings manager, routing feelings to stories and judging them from an external perspective to see if they are “worth sharing”, I began to see feelings as messages from different parts of my self and I rolled out the red carpet and invited each one, one at a time, to a long late night chat in our pajamas with tea and mint and chip ice cream.TLDR: IT WAS A LOT.One of the strange side effects of doing this is that I’ve gotten access to a bunch of my forgotten or dismissed memories from various moments in life. Times where something strange or confusing happened that made me feel shame or guilt or fear or confusion of some kind, along with a voice in my head saying, “You shouldn’t feel that, you’re doing something wrong. Just fix it!” And little moments like when my father, probably having some stressful moment of his own, dismissed some expression of emotion with “Stop feeling sorry for yourself.” I don’t remember it being said particularly harshly — and I 100% know that words like that have come out of my mouth at my kids many a time — but, for whatever reason, these words STUCK. And early on as I was inviting these feelings forward, I would hear a voice say, “Stop feeling sorry for yourself.” And this voice had a deep authority that I never questioned. But, now, given that I’m in my mid-40s and not my mid-0s and have a bit more patience with internal discomfort, I began to respond with “But that’s exactly what I will be doing, thank you.” And that little part of myself that felt confused about whether I was doing something wrong would feel a bit of relief, and the feelings these parts have carried for 30 or 40 years can finally be felt and integrated and listened to for the messages they had originally intended to carry. There may have been some tears involved. Perhaps maybe even some ugly crying. But, also: messages received! They were good messages. The messages weren’t about revealing some deeply awful secret about my irredeemable flaws, but quite the opposite… they were just confused questions that needed a hug and to be seen and accepted. 😭With a blagenflorble heart, I now feel like there’s never a reason to reject a feeling or dismiss an authentic part of myself (or of anyone else!) because it doesn’t feel appropriate or relevant enough. It’s actually quite refreshing for most people, I’ve found, to not have to dance around our shadows and projections constantly. Even if things are a bit more messy in the moment (there’s no script or role to play as a blagenflorble heart) you save 10x or 100x that messiness in the future when you realize that you don’t actually want 90% or 99% of the things you’ve committed to, and could have expressed and addressed this much earlier. Echos of mask burnout are all I need to jolt me back into myself.THIS YEAR’S WORD: CHALANT! ☄️This word came to me in a dream. I was standing on a balcony or something, looking out over a mountain range that was almost comically stark and foreboding. And in the dream I SCREAMED at the top of my dream lungs, “CHALAAAAAAAANT!” Like a scream that I pulled up from the center of the Earth, with an intensity that felt like pure cosmic life energy. And as I yelled this word the mountain transformed into a lush, vibrant, fecund, verdant, ridiculous expression of aliveness. It was a cool dream.Yes, it is also a play on the word nonchalant, which is the opposite of the energy in this dream. CHALANT! is not cool, or casual, or unaffected. CHALANT! is that kind of over-the-top, coming-in-hot, perhaps easy to mistake as overly earnest or awkward, doesn’t always land right, but which is grounded and connected and aware of the dignity and value in everything and everyone. It’s kinda sweaty and gross and awkward but also deeply real. 😅CHALANT spelled in large letters, generated by MidjourneyIt is what it is.I am what I am.You are what you are.We are what we are.No more masks?For a bit?For fun?Why not?I’ll start.One of the most CHALANT! things I’ve done for a while now is maintain a public list of values and beliefs on the internet, along with a list of all changes that I’ve made to it over the last 17 years.Screenshot of the top text from my book of beliefs.https://github.com/busterbenson/public/blob/master/book-of-beliefs.mdI review it every year at the same time that I write this review (around my birthday) and as I was doing this today I noticed that number 15 in my list of “Values I try to live by” I found this: I value not feeling sorry for myself and avoiding competitive suffering.When I saw it, I gasped. I completely forgot that it was there. Especially since, as you read above, this voice telling me not to feel sorry for myself is one that I’ve been having a heated banter with this year after recovering that old memory. I had to go back into the changelog to verify this, but yes, this has been in the list from the very first list I made in 2007. Number 3! The hit single slot of my list of personal commandments album.https://buster.livejournal.com/104233.htmlI know why it was there. I have a whole internal story about the ails of competitive suffering, but it’s really tough for me to look at this “Commandment” now and not associate it with my own self-abandonment. So, I’m gonna take these complicated feelings, invite them to a pj party, and figure out how I can respectfully retire that value from my list.(5 minutes later…)Okay, sorted. I already have another value on the list that I think more accurately reflects my belief around how I would like to relate to my own feelings and the difficult feelings that other people experience, and it’s in the #1 slot: I value myself, all people, all conscious/living things, as they are, and believe we should participate in the world in a way that lives up to the dignity in each of us.Including letting me feel sorry for myself sometimes. Definitely. And including seeing the suffering in others with compassion instead of projecting some form of subversive neediness onto them.Dang. That was kind of messed up.Looking at the rest of the list, I’m also giving the side-eye 😒 to number 10, even though it was originally one of my favorite ones. I value not dilly-dallying if something needs to be done.I think 90% of the reason I like this one is because I just like the word dilly-dally. It’s a great word! But… this idea of not dilly-dallying when something “needs” to be done has a bit of that same self-abandonment vibe to it, which now that I’m out of that phase it’s very easy to spot them. So, gotta toss this one in the value bin too. 🥁After declaring this in last year’s review: “Pet status: none, nope, not getting a pet, don’t try to talk me into it”, I woke up one morning after a difficult all-day therapy session (which did include some psychedelics, but I feel weird continuing to drop this little detail without context — oh well!) and decided I needed a cat. Only later was I told that I’m not supposed to make any big life decisions immediately after these experiences. Sorry not sorry. Pancake is the best.Don’t follow me on Instagram if you don’t want cat picturesI’m also making a very quirky, earnest, complicated, opinionated clock that doesn’t use any mental concepts and shows accurate time using only things you can see in the sky, wherever in the world you are.https://busterbenson.com/clock6It’s a fun side project that I work on when my brain can’t do anything else. Every detail is a rabbit hole of nerdy details that I will gladly talk your ear off about next time we’re getting a drink somewhere. My dream is to iterate on this until it feels right to be made into a real clock that I can hang on my wall. Might take a few more years though. The time conspiracy isn’t going anywhere in the meantime.My tarot collection organized by card and my spreadsheets for classifying them by symbols and characters is certainly a little CHALANT.About 70+ tarot decks organized by card into one massive conglomerate deckCHALANT IN THE WORLDSince embracing CHALANT I also seem to notice it more out in the world. Here are a few things that have reminded me of the CHALANT vibe recently.Luigi Serafini’s Codex SeraphinianusCarl Jung’s Red BookLe Tres Riches Heures du Duke de BerryEverything Meow Wolf doesThe Book: The Ultimate Guide to Rebuilding CivilizationShel Silverstein’s Different DancesThe thing about CHALANT! that I want to take to heart this year is that I want to practice always connecting first with my own feelings and the creative / authentic / caring energy that comes from them. Only then, with that energy, and boundaries to maintain it, will I engage with the external world and its crisp and impatient demands.By the time I get to the end of these kinds of realizations / promises to myself, they always end up feeling a bit like “duh, of course you should do that, dummy!” But now I know that these kinds of small shifts, while obvious, are tricky to actually integrate and maintain in real life. And part of being CHALANT is about being okay (excited even!) with making a big deal about something that might seem like a small deal when articulated to myself or other people.So, in a nutshell, CHALANT is about:Stop polishing masks to better hide my true, natural, default selfBeing okay with being feelings-y, gooey, unintelligible, inconsistent, and illegible in order to be realCaring a lot about small things regardless of whether or not it’s cool or important or interesting to care about those thingsProcessing in public (I started doing this with my Ideas I’m Mulling file)Yelling at mountains and making them come to lifeThanks for reading all of this! I’d love to hear any reactions or thoughts that sparked for you on this topic.PAST YEARS IN REVIEWHere are the previous 16 with high-level notes about what happened in those years:46: A Blagenflorble Heart (2022: whole and broken)45: Year of Reconstellation (2021: pandemic year 2 of ?)44: Year of the Amateur (2020: pandemic starts, Kellianne and I separated)43: All in & with the flow (2019: my book was published)42: Dig deeper (2018: started at Patreon, left Patreon)41: Seek endarkenment (2017)40: Mind the loops (2016: Louie was born, started at Slack)39: Make wiggle room (2015)38: Cultivate quality time (2014)37: More kiloslogs (2013: moved to SF, started at Twitter)36: Talk it out (2012)35: Love the struggle (2011: Health Month became Habit Labs)34: Cultivating the core (2010: Niko was born, created 750 Words and Health Month)33: Frugal to the max (2009)32: No problem (2008: got married, financial markets crashed)31: Double down (2007: changed my name, opened McLeod Residence)30: Higher highs and lower lows (2006)OTHER BITS AND BOBS Age: 47 Weight: 180lbs Book of beliefs / Codex Vitae removed a few stale values I no longer live by, added some weird beliefs to the consciousness section Ideas I’m Mulling is a new segment of my codex that is all about tracking what Life in Weeks updated with getting Pancake and starting my job at Medium 👋 Employment status: At Medium (aka here), maintaining 750 Words Relationship status: divorced, single Living status: 50% custody of Niko and Louie, living in 2-bedroom apartment in South Berkeley Mental health status: feeling CHALANT! and overall feeling happy, energized, fulfilled, ready for whatever’s gonna happen next Pet status: Pancake 😍 Financial status: employment has saved my savings account… for now Reading now: The Myth of Normal, Gabor Mate (highly recommend!) Listening to now: Japanese Breakfast, Janelle Monáe Watching: Silo, Ted Lasso, The Shrinking, can’t really rally for Succession’s last season 🫣 Wordle status: still playing, but now trying to only get 3s and 6s (basically having to throw my 4th and 5th guesses if I can’t get it in 3. It’s fun! I have 15 2s, 105 3s, 79 4s, 21 5s, 85 6s and have broken my streak many times.", "content_html": "

I’ve written an annual review every year for the last 17 years, and they’re getting weirder. This one is no exception! Here we go.

I was about to start this review by talking about a thing I realized in therapy recently, until I read my review from last year and could see that I was talking about it back then too. Here it is anyway.

Recently (aka over the last year or two), I’ve realized that my default solution to every personal challenge in life has been to craft a better mask. I think of masks as personality constructs that we can put on and use as an identity accessory that helps us fit in, avoid discomfort, reduce insecurity, get things done, etc. Perhaps you are familiar with these masks I speak of? Hmmm… 🤔

I can pinpoint specific moments in my childhood where the experience of being my whole, authentic, undefended self was super confusing and painful. Because it was just the way I was, and I hadn’t explicitly chosen to be that way, the feedback seemed to be telling me that I was doing something wrong… that I should be different than I was by default. And so I, like many, took this idea to heart without a second thought. Done. Having this handy tool to redirect confusion and pain into various scripts, programs, and performances was LIFE-CHANGING. Perhaps even life-saving, in some ways. It felt that way at least. The feedback slowly improved. I could, it turns out, belong / fit in / feel accepted by others if I crafted these masks right. Success!

Masks create protective distance between the soft gooey feelings that bubble up in me (may I also add that they arrive without a friendly hello much less an instruction manual for what I’m supposed to do with them) and the crisp and impatient demands of the external world (chop chop!). I cower in the middle trying to mediate this tense and awkward relationship, and over time as the masks have piled up I have tended to side more and more with the external world. Because soft gooey feelings are illegible, and weird, and uncomfortable, and did I say gooey? And there are all kinds of complicated emotions wrapped up in them that bust out like the Kool-Aid Man at the least convenient times.

I mean, I changed my name. Twice. What better way to mask than to sever ties from our own name? I’ve often had this strong desire for a clean slate. To be free of all the gooey blobbity blop of the unresolved, unintelligible past. Every time I’ve moved or started a new job or met a new person I’ve tried to do so with a cleaner, crisper, more relatable mask. Even these annual reviews in a way are subtle attempts to refine my collection of masks to be more legible and accepted in the world. 🤯

Underneath this drive has been this deep-seated belief that there was something truly awful lurking in the gooey, illegible, monstrous void that had been last seen causing all kinds of confusion and pain during various glimpses of my childhood.

It wasn’t until a pandemic, a divorce, job burnout, health issues, heartbreak, and basically a collapse of my industrial masking system complex occurred that I took a step beyond talk therapy, beyond somatic therapy, and sought out some ✨psychedelic-assisted therapy✨. It was an hour or so into my first ketamine + MDMA journey that I was asked “So, why don’t you just come clean and tell me what is so secretly awful about your most inner self.”

😱☠️👻

HORROR UPON HORRORS! But, to my surprise… I was not only able to entertain the question, but to also find the answer under all the defenses, and to share it. The answer was not unlike this passage in The Little Prince.

The Little Prince, Chapter 12“Why are you drinking? “ the little prince asked.“In order to forget” replied the drunkard.“To forget what?” enquired the little prince, who was already feeling sorry for him.“To forget that I am ashamed” the drunkard confessed, hanging his head.“Ashamed of what?” asked the little prince who wanted to help him.“Ashamed of drinking!” concluded the drunkard, withdrawing into total silence.And the little prince went away, puzzled.“Grown-ups really are very, very odd”, he said to himself as he continued his journey.

The most awful secret about me™ is that I’m hiding under a pile of masks, and use masks to hide this awful secret from everyone. Dun dun dunnnnnn. And this is a runaway feedback loop creating an infinite hall of scripts, programs, and strategies to hide the fact that I’m hiding. Enter: mask tower of cards collapse.

An aside: In my research, exploration, and discussion of this dynamic with others, I’ve learned a lot about autism and masking, and autistic burnout, which all sounds very similar to what I’m describing. I actually don’t know if I’m autistic or not, but maybe? 🤷‍♂️ It’s safe to say that I’m certainly a bit… neurodiverse. Let’s go with that for now. That said, I feel like this phenomenon probably happens to all kinds of people, basically anyone that gets wind of this snazzy masking tool early on and then leans on it hard for a couple decades.

SO THAT HAPPPENED

And then what? Well, it’s been a process of de-masking. I think this is what I was actually talking about in my annual review 2 years ago where my word was reconstellate, which I defined as:

Reconstellate: v. the potentially foolish act of dismantling various constellations (not only of stars but also of identity and worldview) in order to create space for new constellations to be formed.

The idea of dismantling all of these mental constructs that we have never questioned and using those pieces to create new constellations that feel more grounded, authentic, whole… hmmmm… 🤔.

At the time I wasn’t even sure what would happen when all of these lovingly crafted masks were dismantled. Is there anybody under there anymore? Or has that tiny blip of a human soul been snuffed out and now it’s just animatronic dancing masks all the way down?

🎭🎭🎭🐢

For a while there, this was a genuine question that I continued to explore with an array of therapeutic options. Spoiler alert: turns out I was still there. And I was still gooey and illegible. But… and this is the realization about mask life that I was not prepared to discover… the gooey feelings-y awkward part of myself is actually way more alive and healthy and delighted about basically everything than mask life has been.

🍎 In mask life everything is enjoyed through narrative progress, plot, cause-and-effect, earning status, paying debt, acquiring success, credit, and riches. It fits well with school, career, relationship goals, family goals, politics, sports, games, heroic quests, and battles between good and evil.

🍊 In gooey life, on the other hand, everything is enjoyed through simply having the pleasure of being alive and having this shared moment to participate in the wild chaotic dance of life with everyone else.

And the flavor of enjoyment in the first case vs the second case is akin to reading an ancient text about enjoyment written 5,000 years ago vs directly experiencing it in the moment.

INTERMISSION

These posts usually have some structure to them but I’m kind of winging it this time and hopping wherever I feel like hopping. That’s the CHALANT way (which we will get to next). We live in a world where it’s futile to try to keep anyone’s attention for more than half a tweet anyway, so in a way this frees us to be as long-winded and windy as I wish. Hi. Do you need a glass of water? A bathroom break or stretch? Wanna take 5 and come back to this? I’ll put on some chill hold music.

Link to playlist on Spotify

WHOLE AND BROKEN AT THE SAME TIME

After dismantling masks and constellations and realizing that being alive is gooey and doesn’t have to be legible to myself, much less others, what does one do? There is no script or program available for the task of living without scripts and programs. Thar’s the rub! My word of the year last year was blagenflorble (now breaking into truly illegible territory) which I defined as it relates to a blagenflorble heart:

A blagenflorble heart isn’t concerned with repairing itself after every heartbreak. That is an ultimately futile task. Instead, a blagenflorble heart is about expanding the awareness of our hearts to allow ourselves to be both whole and broken at the same time. It’s about shifting from a mindset of feeling only one emotion at a time (and laboring to repair it each time it is hurt), to allowing all of the emotions to co-exist simultaneously, and being able to zoom in on each of them without negating the others.

When I let go of making sense of my feelings to myself and others, I can just have all of them at once. Ah… what sweet and simple relief that is! Masks try to make things make sense for others, so they require us to create stories and explanations and justifications for how we’re feeling. The sad irony is that this prevents us from just feeling the feelings that we’re having, and listening to what they are trying to tell us! Turns out: THAT’S A PROBLEM. And it creates all kinds of other second-order feelings and stories about where they came from, whether they’re justified, whether you’re allowed to have them, etc. Fuck all that! As a good friend said in a blissful moment of direct honest kindness, “Own your fucking feelings, BUSTER.”

Instead of being a hyper-vigilant feelings manager, routing feelings to stories and judging them from an external perspective to see if they are “worth sharing”, I began to see feelings as messages from different parts of my self and I rolled out the red carpet and invited each one, one at a time, to a long late night chat in our pajamas with tea and mint and chip ice cream.

TLDR: IT WAS A LOT.

One of the strange side effects of doing this is that I’ve gotten access to a bunch of my forgotten or dismissed memories from various moments in life. Times where something strange or confusing happened that made me feel shame or guilt or fear or confusion of some kind, along with a voice in my head saying, “You shouldn’t feel that, you’re doing something wrong. Just fix it!” And little moments like when my father, probably having some stressful moment of his own, dismissed some expression of emotion with “Stop feeling sorry for yourself.” I don’t remember it being said particularly harshly — and I 100% know that words like that have come out of my mouth at my kids many a time — but, for whatever reason, these words STUCK. And early on as I was inviting these feelings forward, I would hear a voice say, “Stop feeling sorry for yourself.” And this voice had a deep authority that I never questioned. But, now, given that I’m in my mid-40s and not my mid-0s and have a bit more patience with internal discomfort, I began to respond with “But that’s exactly what I will be doing, thank you.” And that little part of myself that felt confused about whether I was doing something wrong would feel a bit of relief, and the feelings these parts have carried for 30 or 40 years can finally be felt and integrated and listened to for the messages they had originally intended to carry. There may have been some tears involved. Perhaps maybe even some ugly crying. But, also: messages received! They were good messages. The messages weren’t about revealing some deeply awful secret about my irredeemable flaws, but quite the opposite… they were just confused questions that needed a hug and to be seen and accepted. 😭

With a blagenflorble heart, I now feel like there’s never a reason to reject a feeling or dismiss an authentic part of myself (or of anyone else!) because it doesn’t feel appropriate or relevant enough. It’s actually quite refreshing for most people, I’ve found, to not have to dance around our shadows and projections constantly. Even if things are a bit more messy in the moment (there’s no script or role to play as a blagenflorble heart) you save 10x or 100x that messiness in the future when you realize that you don’t actually want 90% or 99% of the things you’ve committed to, and could have expressed and addressed this much earlier. Echos of mask burnout are all I need to jolt me back into myself.

THIS YEAR’S WORD: CHALANT! ☄️

This word came to me in a dream. I was standing on a balcony or something, looking out over a mountain range that was almost comically stark and foreboding. And in the dream I SCREAMED at the top of my dream lungs, “CHALAAAAAAAANT!” Like a scream that I pulled up from the center of the Earth, with an intensity that felt like pure cosmic life energy. And as I yelled this word the mountain transformed into a lush, vibrant, fecund, verdant, ridiculous expression of aliveness. It was a cool dream.

Yes, it is also a play on the word nonchalant, which is the opposite of the energy in this dream. CHALANT! is not cool, or casual, or unaffected. CHALANT! is that kind of over-the-top, coming-in-hot, perhaps easy to mistake as overly earnest or awkward, doesn’t always land right, but which is grounded and connected and aware of the dignity and value in everything and everyone. It’s kinda sweaty and gross and awkward but also deeply real. 😅

CHALANT spelled in large letters, generated by Midjourney

It is what it is.

I am what I am.

You are what you are.

We are what we are.

No more masks?

For a bit?

For fun?

Why not?

I’ll start.

One of the most CHALANT! things I’ve done for a while now is maintain a public list of values and beliefs on the internet, along with a list of all changes that I’ve made to it over the last 17 years.

Screenshot of the top text from my book of beliefs.https://github.com/busterbenson/public/blob/master/book-of-beliefs.mdI review it every year at the same time that I write this review (around my birthday) and as I was doing this today I noticed that number 15 in my list of “Values I try to live by” I found this:

  1. I value not feeling sorry for myself and avoiding competitive suffering.

When I saw it, I gasped. I completely forgot that it was there. Especially since, as you read above, this voice telling me not to feel sorry for myself is one that I’ve been having a heated banter with this year after recovering that old memory. I had to go back into the changelog to verify this, but yes, this has been in the list from the very first list I made in 2007. Number 3! The hit single slot of my list of personal commandments album.

https://buster.livejournal.com/104233.htmlI know why it was there. I have a whole internal story about the ails of competitive suffering, but it’s really tough for me to look at this “Commandment” now and not associate it with my own self-abandonment. So, I’m gonna take these complicated feelings, invite them to a pj party, and figure out how I can respectfully retire that value from my list.

(5 minutes later…)

Okay, sorted. I already have another value on the list that I think more accurately reflects my belief around how I would like to relate to my own feelings and the difficult feelings that other people experience, and it’s in the #1 slot:

  1. I value myself, all people, all conscious/living things, as they are, and believe we should participate in the world in a way that lives up to the dignity in each of us.

Including letting me feel sorry for myself sometimes. Definitely. And including seeing the suffering in others with compassion instead of projecting some form of subversive neediness onto them.

Dang. That was kind of messed up.

Looking at the rest of the list, I’m also giving the side-eye 😒 to number 10, even though it was originally one of my favorite ones.

  1. I value not dilly-dallying if something needs to be done.

I think 90% of the reason I like this one is because I just like the word dilly-dally. It’s a great word! But… this idea of not dilly-dallying when something “needs” to be done has a bit of that same self-abandonment vibe to it, which now that I’m out of that phase it’s very easy to spot them. So, gotta toss this one in the value bin too. 🥁

After declaring this in last year’s review: “Pet status: none, nope, not getting a pet, don’t try to talk me into it”, I woke up one morning after a difficult all-day therapy session (which did include some psychedelics, but I feel weird continuing to drop this little detail without context — oh well!) and decided I needed a cat. Only later was I told that I’m not supposed to make any big life decisions immediately after these experiences. Sorry not sorry. Pancake is the best.

Don’t follow me on Instagram if you don’t want cat picturesI’m also making a very quirky, earnest, complicated, opinionated clock that doesn’t use any mental concepts and shows accurate time using only things you can see in the sky, wherever in the world you are.

https://busterbenson.com/clock6

It’s a fun side project that I work on when my brain can’t do anything else. Every detail is a rabbit hole of nerdy details that I will gladly talk your ear off about next time we’re getting a drink somewhere. My dream is to iterate on this until it feels right to be made into a real clock that I can hang on my wall. Might take a few more years though. The time conspiracy isn’t going anywhere in the meantime.

My tarot collection organized by card and my spreadsheets for classifying them by symbols and characters is certainly a little CHALANT.

About 70+ tarot decks organized by card into one massive conglomerate deck

CHALANT IN THE WORLD

Since embracing CHALANT I also seem to notice it more out in the world. Here are a few things that have reminded me of the CHALANT vibe recently.

Luigi Serafini’s Codex Seraphinianus

Carl Jung’s Red Book

Le Tres Riches Heures du Duke de Berry

Everything Meow Wolf does

The Book: The Ultimate Guide to Rebuilding Civilization

Shel Silverstein’s Different DancesThe thing about CHALANT! that I want to take to heart this year is that I want to practice always connecting first with my own feelings and the creative / authentic / caring energy that comes from them. Only then, with that energy, and boundaries to maintain it, will I engage with the external world and its crisp and impatient demands.

By the time I get to the end of these kinds of realizations / promises to myself, they always end up feeling a bit like “duh, of course you should do that, dummy!” But now I know that these kinds of small shifts, while obvious, are tricky to actually integrate and maintain in real life. And part of being CHALANT is about being okay (excited even!) with making a big deal about something that might seem like a small deal when articulated to myself or other people.

So, in a nutshell, CHALANT is about:

Stop polishing masks to better hide my true, natural, default selfBeing okay with being feelings-y, gooey, unintelligible, inconsistent, and illegible in order to be realCaring a lot about small things regardless of whether or not it’s cool or important or interesting to care about those thingsProcessing in public (I started doing this with my Ideas I’m Mulling file)Yelling at mountains and making them come to lifeThanks for reading all of this! I’d love to hear any reactions or thoughts that sparked for you on this topic.

PAST YEARS IN REVIEW

Here are the previous 16 with high-level notes about what happened in those years:

46: A Blagenflorble Heart (2022: whole and broken)45: Year of Reconstellation (2021: pandemic year 2 of ?)44: Year of the Amateur (2020: pandemic starts, Kellianne and I separated)43: All in & with the flow (2019: my book was published)42: Dig deeper (2018: started at Patreon, left Patreon)41: Seek endarkenment (2017)40: Mind the loops (2016: Louie was born, started at Slack)39: Make wiggle room (2015)38: Cultivate quality time (2014)37: More kiloslogs (2013: moved to SF, started at Twitter)36: Talk it out (2012)35: Love the struggle (2011: Health Month became Habit Labs)34: Cultivating the core (2010: Niko was born, created 750 Words and Health Month)33: Frugal to the max (2009)32: No problem (2008: got married, financial markets crashed)31: Double down (2007: changed my name, opened McLeod Residence)30: Higher highs and lower lows (2006)

OTHER BITS AND BOBS

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We’ve been writing 3 pages every morning for the past week and we want to check in! For one thing, writing has been tough and surprising. Especially when you get a couple pages in, ie. the sweet spot. On this episode we were lucky enough to discuss that with an expert. Buster Benson is a writer and founder of 750words.com, which is a service that has helped half a million people develop a private journaling practice. A morning pages master himself, Buster has been journaling for over a decade. Mary and Mallika talked to Buster about how to get the most out of your writing and have him sign off on the only acceptable situation in which you can talk about yourself in the third person.

", "url": "https://busterbenson.com/2022/05/31/this-could-work-interview-about-750-words", "external_url": "https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/the-sweet-spot-with-buster-benson/id1611096776?i=1000564668176", "date_published": "2022-05-31T00:00:00+00:00", "date_modified": "2022-05-31T00:00:00+00:00", "author": "me" }, { "id": "https://busterbenson.com/2022/05/28/a-blagenflorble-heart", "title": "46: A Blagenflorble Heart", "summary": null, "content_text": "😱 Holy shitballs, I’m 46 years old! It’s been a year. Literally. Because that’s how birthdays work. But for the first time in a long time I took a weekend to myself and am staying in Calistoga and treating myself to mud baths, geothermally-heated pools, massages, walks through gardens, and some delicious food and beverage while I consider my past year and think about the one coming up.Palomas, mud baths, and lots of sitting in my hotel reading and writing (not pictured).Looks like I have (on the mean) about 33-ish years before I die…(check your when)… of either cancer or some heart thing.(check your how)Nothing like kicking off an annual review with some morbid fixation. I’ve always kinda been obsessed with looking at life through the lens of death, but also feel a tiny bit bad about reminding people about their own mortality. Sorry! We are nothing if we aren’t a society that loves our death denial!And yet, death seems to be around every corner lately. I mean, it always is, but the last few years it has been jumping out and scaring us before we even get to the corners. A million COVID-19 deaths in the US. The war in Ukraine. Abortion rights likely being rolled back. The awful mass shootings in Uvalde. Life expectancy in the US is estimated to have dropped over a year since the pandemic started. And meanwhile time keeps marching on one box every week, and here I am solidly in the 2nd half of my 40s. Oh god.My life in weeks (every box is a week)My mean life expectancy is in the mid 70s, but then there’s my long-term life goal of riding my bike around the block on my 100th birthday. The gap of 25ish years is real, and something that motivates me to pursue health (physical and mental) in a very tangible way every day.I’m happy to report that I’m in better health on my 46th birthday than I was on my 45th birthday, thanks to Peloton and some serious attention to my sleeping and eating habits.I sometimes daydream about a time when I’m doing these annual reviews in my 90s, and how much anticipation I would have for those last few rows and boxes.Okay, wait. Let’s back up a bit.👋 Hello, friend! Welcome to my… 16th!… year of yearly birthday reflections. This is gonna be a kinda rambly, wandering one, cause that’s just the kinda mood I’m in. Here are the previous 15 with high-level notes about what happened in those years:45: Year of Reconstellation (2021: pandemic year 2 of ?)44: Year of the Amateur (2020: pandemic starts, Kellianne and I separated)43: All in & with the flow (2019: my book was published)42: Dig deeper (2018: started at Patreon, left Patreon)41: Seek endarkenment (2017)40: Mind the loops (2016: Louie was born, started at Slack)39: Make wiggle room (2015)38: Cultivate quality time (2014)37: More kiloslogs (2013: moved to SF, started at Twitter)36: Talk it out (2012)35: Love the struggle (2011: Health Month became Habit Labs)34: Cultivating the core (2010: Niko was born, created 750 Words and Health Month)33: Frugal to the max (2009)32: No problem (2008: got married, financial markets crashed)31: Double down (2007: changed my name, opened McLeod Residence)30: Higher highs and lower lows (2006)Last year was the year of reconstellation ✨I’ve had a running dialogue with myself since 2019, slightly before the pandemic even started, when a lot of things in my personal life were already in turmoil. It has to do with an oddly strong attachment to the Tower card in tarot. That one with the tower being struck by lightning and people jumping out of it.Top row, left to right: Rider Waite Smith, Japaridze, CBD. Bottom row, left to right: Dali, She-Wolfe, Thoth.It generally represents upheaval. I’ve had an ongoing internal dialogue about the ambiguous nature of this card and it’s placement within a major arcana between the Devil and the Star indicating that it’s not really the end of things, but more of a radical shifting and clearing away of things. Like a forest fire. Part of the natural order. The proceeding pandemic and #blacklivesmatter movement and January 6th attack on the Capitol and so much more have reinforced this feeling that we’re collectively stuck on the Tower card, and a part of me has been anticipating that moment when we feel like we’re able to collectively move off this card. To take a breath and begin to build things anew in the space that had been created by all this awfulness. The card after the Tower card in tarot is the Star card, which perfectly encapsulates this “next step” in the natural cycles of creation and destruction.Same decks in the same order as with the Tower card above.Last year, I thought I was there. Ready for the Star. My year of reconstellation (creating new stories from the same stars of my life) felt like the right time to re-connect the dots of my life and the world and the stories that had felt broken by the previous two+ years of pandemic and personal pandemonium. But… looking back now, I think I jumped the gun. Neither I, nor the world, were quite ready to leave the Tower card.Honestly, I’m still not ready.And I don’t know if / when we’ll be ready for that in the near future.The timeline feels incredibly dark.I feel the heaviness of everything right now, and some days I don’t feel like I know what to do with it all. The task of “moving on” feels impossible because terrible things keep happening, and it doesn’t feel like these waves of awful are going to end anytime soon.Three booksDuring my continued residence in feeling groundless and lost in the world, I’ve been reading a lot of books in the hopes that I might find new wisdom that might help me navigate these feelings.Three books in particular have really impacted the way I am thinking about and processing stuff:The Wild Edge of Sorrow, Creating Capabilities, All About LoveIsn’t it amazing when you read books that have nothing to do with one another and yet somehow it seems like they’re voices singing different harmonies of the same song?These three books, when read back to back, felt like a three-part map for learning how to use dignity, grief, and a love ethic to reclaim my aliveness and pain while also motivating myself to participate in the big mess wholeheartedly.From Creating Capabilities, I found this amazing question: “What does a life deserving of human dignity require?”Nussbaum outlines a series of capabilities that answer this question. A life of dignity requires, first of all, the opportunity to live a full life. It requires access to health care, bodily autonomy and integrity, and an educational environment that develops our senses, imagination, and thoughts. It requires the capability of having and expressing our emotions, developing and exercising our understanding of what is good, true, and beautiful, and the space for develop belief and faith. It requires the opportunity to find communities where we feel a sense of belonging and respect. It requires being able to recognize and respect the dignity in all humans, as well as in other members of the natural world. It requires being granted some amount of control over our environments, through political, economic, and social participation. And lastly, perhaps enabled by all of the above, a life deserving of human dignity requires the space and security necessary to laugh and cry and play and have time for silliness and recreation.Francis Weller, in The Wild Edge of Sorrow, and coming from a less philosophical and political perspective, addresses the elephant in the room that I feel whenever I get too swept up in how things should be. The way things are feels so far from that ideal. With amazing clarity and poetic grace, Weller describes 5 gates of grief that we must acknowledge and learn to walk through if we hope to be able to integrate and learn from the awful things happening in the world. The first gate is simply described as: everything we love, we will lose. The second gate contains the places within us that have not known love. The third gate of grief is the sorrows of the world. The fourth gate is what we expected and did not receive. The fifth gate is ancestral grief.My takeaway from this is that when the life I have doesn’t live up to my expectations in some way, I can learn to grieve this loss. The same goes with viewing others who may not be granted lives that live up to the human dignity that they deserve. When I witness this in myself or others, and I don’t find a way to channel this grief, I run risk of growing callous, cynical, and detached from myself, others, and the world. When the timeline feels extremely dark like it does right now, instead of denying what is happening, I can also choose to process this loss and become an apprentice to the grief and sorrow that seems to encroach from everywhere, and from there find ways to take action and care for others.At this point bell hooks shows the way forward in All About Love when she talks about how to partner with heartbreak instead of running from it, in her beautiful meditation on how a love ethic can co-exist in a world filled with a battle for domination, violence, and power.She says: Since so many of us are imprisoned by fear, we can move toward a love ethic only by the process of conversion. Philosopher Cornel West states that “a politics of conversion” restores our sense of hope. Calling attention to the pervasive nihilism in our society he reminds us: “Nihilism is not overcome by arguments or analyses, it is tamed by love and care. Any disease of the soul must be conquered by a turning of one’s soul. This turning is done through one’s own affirmation of one’s worth — an affirmation fueled by the concern of others.” In an attempt to ward off life-threatening despair, more and more individuals are turning toward a love ethic. Embracing a love ethic means that we utilize all the dimensions of love — “care, commitment, trust, responsibility, respect, and knowledge” — in our everyday lives. We can successfully do this only by cultivating awareness. Being aware enables us to critically examine our actions to see what is needed so that we can give care, be responsible, show respect, and indicate a willingness to learn.It’s tough to connect all the dots here, and between the other books, because it’s not a linear or logical progression, but after reading these three books and taking all kinds of notes about them and journaling about them for a few weeks, some kind of shift happened in my perspective, sparked by a final piece of insight from Alice Walker: The way forward is with a broken heart. — Alice WalkerA blagenflorble heartWTF is a blagenflorble heart?Well, it’s of course nonsense.This word — blagenflorble — came to me one day when I was feeling particularly lost and broken and I just wanted to find a word that captured the absurdity and mystery and wildness and ambiguity of that unnameable, kind of overwhelming feeling.Then, over the ensuing weeks and months, I’ve tried to pour meaning into this word, and make it my own. Here’s what it means to me.A blagenflorble heart is a heart that has been broken, and repaired, and broken, and repaired, and broken, and repaired, hundreds of times.It’s a heart that has been broken by every spike in COVID deaths, every mass shooting, every loved one who dies, every day of war, every setback in the Supreme Court, every new outrage, every news cycle, every relationship that ends, every misunderstanding, every trauma, every harmful pattern that we carry with us and keep repeating.And it’s a heart that has been in turn repaired by every intimate confession, every reconnected friendship, every care package, every hug, every acknowledgement of solidarity, every day that grants new perspective and healing, every insight in therapy, every act of self-care, and every moment of cultivated awareness that has led us to express our concern and care for others.A frequent question throughout the last few years has been:Is it okay to have moments of happiness and even joy when the world is so fucked up?I realized that a part of me has been focused on letting the awfulness of the world always roll over me, because I don’t want to push it away or ignore it even if it’s not directly my problem. Then I respond to it with anger, outrage, grief, sadness, and sometimes am able to channel these feelings into some kind of minor act of resistance / solidarity / care in service of those who have been hurt. It has felt like I’m in a pirate ship getting riddled with cannon balls from the world, and we’re taking all the hits and scrambling around the deck repairing and fortifying the ship as quickly as I can. (Can I just inject here a note of high praise for Our Flag Means Death? What a lovely show.) This deluge of awful events, and the need to respond to each and every one in an honest and whole-hearted way — it’s exhausting. It’s heartbreaking. When I look at other people and they admit to feeling completely depleted, I recognize that we are both doing our best to keep our ships afloat in this way. And that moment of recognition also helps us keep going. But it’s a lot, and it seems to also have a long-term impact on our ability to continue responding to each new thing.This is where I something new clicked for me recently, when considering the way forward with a broken heart, walking with the 5 gates of grief wide open, committed to a love ethic instead of an ethic of domination and violence.A blagenflorble heart isn’t concerned with repairing itself after every heartbreak. That is an ultimately futile task. Instead, a blagenflorble heart is about expanding the awareness of our hearts to allow ourselves to be both whole and broken at the same time. It’s about shifting from a mindset of feeling only one emotion at a time (and laboring to repair it each time it is hurt), to allowing all of the emotions to co-exist simultaneously, and being able to zoom in on each of them without negating the others. To be in deep grief about the injustices that relentlessly increase, and to be in deep love and concern for our friends and neighbors who are in pain, and to feel anger about the harm that will come to those who least deserve it, and to feel shame about our own privilege and ability to avoid some of that harm, and to feel fear about the future, and what this will all mean for our kids, and to feel guilt for the inability to help as much as one can, because there are so many other things pulling us in different directions. Additionally, and crucially, to also feel compassion for ourselves and to grant ourselves permission to tend to our own needs even when they feel so privileged and indulgent relative to what others are experiencing. To also allow ourselves to enjoy a new show, or a nice meal, or a walk, or quality time with kids. All of these things can happen at once, and it’s not as exhausting in the same way as feeling each emotion one at a time because you’re not actually moving between these states with laborious emotional work. I don’t have to force myself to completely process each emotion before moving on to the next. The Star card can exist at the same time as the Tower card and all the other cards. That’s kinda why tarot works for me… all the cards always resonate with some part of me.A blagenflorble heart is like a pipe organ where every key can be played at once. It’s an admittedly weird and wild heart.A blagenflorble heart embraces the bittersweet, the melancholy, the discordant, the cringey, the paradoxical, the awkward, the overplayed, and the quiet. Whatever is happening, it embraces. It doesn’t have to make sense, or create an acceptable melody, or please others.It doesn’t need to be repaired, because it is always whole. And when it inevitably breaks again, every day, that’s okay, because it is already broken. Breaks can be acknowledged with dignity as opportunities to grieve for something that you love, and motivation to show care and compassion to those who might need it.We live in a dark timeline. A blagenflorble heart doesn’t change that, it accepts that. It allows us to participate in what is happening without trying to push it away. Accepting things as they are, and bringing our energy and love ethic to it.Finding the way forward with a blagenflorble heart is my hope for this year.Other statistics and bits and bobs Age: 46 Weight: 175lbs Book of beliefs / Codex Vitae updated with some new organization and light edits Life in Weeks updated with getting divorced and getting COVID (both actually much less awful than I feared) Employment status: self-employed, working on 750 Words Relationship status: divorced, single Living status: 50% custody of Niko and Louie, living in 2-bedroom apartment in South Berkeley Mental health status: blagenflorble, duh, did you even read this thing? 😂 Also lots of therapy propping me up to look like a functional human. Pet status: none, nope, not getting a pet, don’t try to talk me into it Financial status: dipping into savings as the market 📉😬 Reading now: The Dark Forest and Radical Acceptance Listening to now: new Big Thief, Sylvan Esso, Joep Beving Watching: kinda in-between shows now, sadly, but still reeling from seeing Everything Everywhere All at Once 🤯 Wordle status: still playing, but my streak keeps breaking due to them moving it around. I have 11 2s, 43 3s, 54 4s, 26 5s, 3 6s, and 1 loss to date.P.S. Lastly, wanted to plug Michael Ashcroft’s Expanding Awareness course for helping me really understand the value of… expanding awareness… so that I could apply it to this particular domain of the blagenflorble heart. Thanks, Michael!P.P.S. Also want to thank the people of Rickshaw who helped sanity check this post and also continually provide excellent friendship and love and blagenflorble.", "content_html": "

😱 Holy shitballs, I’m 46 years old! It’s been a year. Literally. Because that’s how birthdays work. But for the first time in a long time I took a weekend to myself and am staying in Calistoga and treating myself to mud baths, geothermally-heated pools, massages, walks through gardens, and some delicious food and beverage while I consider my past year and think about the one coming up.

Palomas, mud baths, and lots of sitting in my hotel reading and writing (not pictured).Looks like I have (on the mean) about 33-ish years before I die…

(check your when)

… of either cancer or some heart thing.

(check your how)

Nothing like kicking off an annual review with some morbid fixation. I’ve always kinda been obsessed with looking at life through the lens of death, but also feel a tiny bit bad about reminding people about their own mortality. Sorry! We are nothing if we aren’t a society that loves our death denial!

And yet, death seems to be around every corner lately. I mean, it always is, but the last few years it has been jumping out and scaring us before we even get to the corners. A million COVID-19 deaths in the US. The war in Ukraine. Abortion rights likely being rolled back. The awful mass shootings in Uvalde. Life expectancy in the US is estimated to have dropped over a year since the pandemic started. And meanwhile time keeps marching on one box every week, and here I am solidly in the 2nd half of my 40s. Oh god.

My life in weeks (every box is a week)

My mean life expectancy is in the mid 70s, but then there’s my long-term life goal of riding my bike around the block on my 100th birthday. The gap of 25ish years is real, and something that motivates me to pursue health (physical and mental) in a very tangible way every day.

I’m happy to report that I’m in better health on my 46th birthday than I was on my 45th birthday, thanks to Peloton and some serious attention to my sleeping and eating habits.

I sometimes daydream about a time when I’m doing these annual reviews in my 90s, and how much anticipation I would have for those last few rows and boxes.

Okay, wait. Let’s back up a bit.

👋 Hello, friend! Welcome to my… 16th!… year of yearly birthday reflections. This is gonna be a kinda rambly, wandering one, cause that’s just the kinda mood I’m in. Here are the previous 15 with high-level notes about what happened in those years:

45: Year of Reconstellation (2021: pandemic year 2 of ?)44: Year of the Amateur (2020: pandemic starts, Kellianne and I separated)43: All in & with the flow (2019: my book was published)42: Dig deeper (2018: started at Patreon, left Patreon)41: Seek endarkenment (2017)40: Mind the loops (2016: Louie was born, started at Slack)39: Make wiggle room (2015)38: Cultivate quality time (2014)37: More kiloslogs (2013: moved to SF, started at Twitter)36: Talk it out (2012)35: Love the struggle (2011: Health Month became Habit Labs)34: Cultivating the core (2010: Niko was born, created 750 Words and Health Month)33: Frugal to the max (2009)32: No problem (2008: got married, financial markets crashed)31: Double down (2007: changed my name, opened McLeod Residence)30: Higher highs and lower lows (2006)Last year was the year of reconstellation ✨I’ve had a running dialogue with myself since 2019, slightly before the pandemic even started, when a lot of things in my personal life were already in turmoil. It has to do with an oddly strong attachment to the Tower card in tarot. That one with the tower being struck by lightning and people jumping out of it.

Top row, left to right: Rider Waite Smith, Japaridze, CBD. Bottom row, left to right: Dali, She-Wolfe, Thoth.

It generally represents upheaval. I’ve had an ongoing internal dialogue about the ambiguous nature of this card and it’s placement within a major arcana between the Devil and the Star indicating that it’s not really the end of things, but more of a radical shifting and clearing away of things. Like a forest fire. Part of the natural order. The proceeding pandemic and #blacklivesmatter movement and January 6th attack on the Capitol and so much more have reinforced this feeling that we’re collectively stuck on the Tower card, and a part of me has been anticipating that moment when we feel like we’re able to collectively move off this card. To take a breath and begin to build things anew in the space that had been created by all this awfulness. The card after the Tower card in tarot is the Star card, which perfectly encapsulates this “next step” in the natural cycles of creation and destruction.

Same decks in the same order as with the Tower card above.

Last year, I thought I was there. Ready for the Star. My year of reconstellation (creating new stories from the same stars of my life) felt like the right time to re-connect the dots of my life and the world and the stories that had felt broken by the previous two+ years of pandemic and personal pandemonium. But… looking back now, I think I jumped the gun. Neither I, nor the world, were quite ready to leave the Tower card.

Honestly, I’m still not ready.

And I don’t know if / when we’ll be ready for that in the near future.

The timeline feels incredibly dark.

I feel the heaviness of everything right now, and some days I don’t feel like I know what to do with it all. The task of “moving on” feels impossible because terrible things keep happening, and it doesn’t feel like these waves of awful are going to end anytime soon.

Three books

During my continued residence in feeling groundless and lost in the world, I’ve been reading a lot of books in the hopes that I might find new wisdom that might help me navigate these feelings.

Three books in particular have really impacted the way I am thinking about and processing stuff:

The Wild Edge of Sorrow, Creating Capabilities, All About Love

Isn’t it amazing when you read books that have nothing to do with one another and yet somehow it seems like they’re voices singing different harmonies of the same song?

These three books, when read back to back, felt like a three-part map for learning how to use dignity, grief, and a love ethic to reclaim my aliveness and pain while also motivating myself to participate in the big mess wholeheartedly.

From Creating Capabilities, I found this amazing question:

“What does a life deserving of human dignity require?”

Nussbaum outlines a series of capabilities that answer this question. A life of dignity requires, first of all, the opportunity to live a full life. It requires access to health care, bodily autonomy and integrity, and an educational environment that develops our senses, imagination, and thoughts. It requires the capability of having and expressing our emotions, developing and exercising our understanding of what is good, true, and beautiful, and the space for develop belief and faith. It requires the opportunity to find communities where we feel a sense of belonging and respect. It requires being able to recognize and respect the dignity in all humans, as well as in other members of the natural world. It requires being granted some amount of control over our environments, through political, economic, and social participation. And lastly, perhaps enabled by all of the above, a life deserving of human dignity requires the space and security necessary to laugh and cry and play and have time for silliness and recreation.

Francis Weller, in The Wild Edge of Sorrow, and coming from a less philosophical and political perspective, addresses the elephant in the room that I feel whenever I get too swept up in how things should be. The way things are feels so far from that ideal. With amazing clarity and poetic grace, Weller describes 5 gates of grief that we must acknowledge and learn to walk through if we hope to be able to integrate and learn from the awful things happening in the world.

  1. The first gate is simply described as: everything we love, we will lose.
  2. The second gate contains the places within us that have not known love.
  3. The third gate of grief is the sorrows of the world.
  4. The fourth gate is what we expected and did not receive.
  5. The fifth gate is ancestral grief.

My takeaway from this is that when the life I have doesn’t live up to my expectations in some way, I can learn to grieve this loss. The same goes with viewing others who may not be granted lives that live up to the human dignity that they deserve. When I witness this in myself or others, and I don’t find a way to channel this grief, I run risk of growing callous, cynical, and detached from myself, others, and the world. When the timeline feels extremely dark like it does right now, instead of denying what is happening, I can also choose to process this loss and become an apprentice to the grief and sorrow that seems to encroach from everywhere, and from there find ways to take action and care for others.

At this point bell hooks shows the way forward in All About Love when she talks about how to partner with heartbreak instead of running from it, in her beautiful meditation on how a love ethic can co-exist in a world filled with a battle for domination, violence, and power.

She says:

Since so many of us are imprisoned by fear, we can move toward a love ethic only by the process of conversion. Philosopher Cornel West states that “a politics of conversion” restores our sense of hope. Calling attention to the pervasive nihilism in our society he reminds us: “Nihilism is not overcome by arguments or analyses, it is tamed by love and care. Any disease of the soul must be conquered by a turning of one’s soul. This turning is done through one’s own affirmation of one’s worth — an affirmation fueled by the concern of others.” In an attempt to ward off life-threatening despair, more and more individuals are turning toward a love ethic.

Embracing a love ethic means that we utilize all the dimensions of love — “care, commitment, trust, responsibility, respect, and knowledge” — in our everyday lives. We can successfully do this only by cultivating awareness. Being aware enables us to critically examine our actions to see what is needed so that we can give care, be responsible, show respect, and indicate a willingness to learn.

It’s tough to connect all the dots here, and between the other books, because it’s not a linear or logical progression, but after reading these three books and taking all kinds of notes about them and journaling about them for a few weeks, some kind of shift happened in my perspective, sparked by a final piece of insight from Alice Walker:

The way forward is with a broken heart. — Alice Walker

A blagenflorble heart

WTF is a blagenflorble heart?

Well, it’s of course nonsense.

This word — blagenflorble — came to me one day when I was feeling particularly lost and broken and I just wanted to find a word that captured the absurdity and mystery and wildness and ambiguity of that unnameable, kind of overwhelming feeling.

Then, over the ensuing weeks and months, I’ve tried to pour meaning into this word, and make it my own. Here’s what it means to me.

A blagenflorble heart is a heart that has been broken, and repaired, and broken, and repaired, and broken, and repaired, hundreds of times.

It’s a heart that has been broken by every spike in COVID deaths, every mass shooting, every loved one who dies, every day of war, every setback in the Supreme Court, every new outrage, every news cycle, every relationship that ends, every misunderstanding, every trauma, every harmful pattern that we carry with us and keep repeating.

And it’s a heart that has been in turn repaired by every intimate confession, every reconnected friendship, every care package, every hug, every acknowledgement of solidarity, every day that grants new perspective and healing, every insight in therapy, every act of self-care, and every moment of cultivated awareness that has led us to express our concern and care for others.

A frequent question throughout the last few years has been:

Is it okay to have moments of happiness and even joy when the world is so fucked up?

I realized that a part of me has been focused on letting the awfulness of the world always roll over me, because I don’t want to push it away or ignore it even if it’s not directly my problem. Then I respond to it with anger, outrage, grief, sadness, and sometimes am able to channel these feelings into some kind of minor act of resistance / solidarity / care in service of those who have been hurt. It has felt like I’m in a pirate ship getting riddled with cannon balls from the world, and we’re taking all the hits and scrambling around the deck repairing and fortifying the ship as quickly as I can. (Can I just inject here a note of high praise for Our Flag Means Death? What a lovely show.) This deluge of awful events, and the need to respond to each and every one in an honest and whole-hearted way — it’s exhausting. It’s heartbreaking. When I look at other people and they admit to feeling completely depleted, I recognize that we are both doing our best to keep our ships afloat in this way. And that moment of recognition also helps us keep going. But it’s a lot, and it seems to also have a long-term impact on our ability to continue responding to each new thing.

This is where I something new clicked for me recently, when considering the way forward with a broken heart, walking with the 5 gates of grief wide open, committed to a love ethic instead of an ethic of domination and violence.

A blagenflorble heart isn’t concerned with repairing itself after every heartbreak. That is an ultimately futile task. Instead, a blagenflorble heart is about expanding the awareness of our hearts to allow ourselves to be both whole and broken at the same time. It’s about shifting from a mindset of feeling only one emotion at a time (and laboring to repair it each time it is hurt), to allowing all of the emotions to co-exist simultaneously, and being able to zoom in on each of them without negating the others. To be in deep grief about the injustices that relentlessly increase, and to be in deep love and concern for our friends and neighbors who are in pain, and to feel anger about the harm that will come to those who least deserve it, and to feel shame about our own privilege and ability to avoid some of that harm, and to feel fear about the future, and what this will all mean for our kids, and to feel guilt for the inability to help as much as one can, because there are so many other things pulling us in different directions. Additionally, and crucially, to also feel compassion for ourselves and to grant ourselves permission to tend to our own needs even when they feel so privileged and indulgent relative to what others are experiencing. To also allow ourselves to enjoy a new show, or a nice meal, or a walk, or quality time with kids. All of these things can happen at once, and it’s not as exhausting in the same way as feeling each emotion one at a time because you’re not actually moving between these states with laborious emotional work. I don’t have to force myself to completely process each emotion before moving on to the next. The Star card can exist at the same time as the Tower card and all the other cards. That’s kinda why tarot works for me… all the cards always resonate with some part of me.

A blagenflorble heart is like a pipe organ where every key can be played at once. It’s an admittedly weird and wild heart.

A blagenflorble heart embraces the bittersweet, the melancholy, the discordant, the cringey, the paradoxical, the awkward, the overplayed, and the quiet. Whatever is happening, it embraces. It doesn’t have to make sense, or create an acceptable melody, or please others.

It doesn’t need to be repaired, because it is always whole. And when it inevitably breaks again, every day, that’s okay, because it is already broken. Breaks can be acknowledged with dignity as opportunities to grieve for something that you love, and motivation to show care and compassion to those who might need it.

We live in a dark timeline. A blagenflorble heart doesn’t change that, it accepts that. It allows us to participate in what is happening without trying to push it away. Accepting things as they are, and bringing our energy and love ethic to it.

Finding the way forward with a blagenflorble heart is my hope for this year.

Other statistics and bits and bobs

P.S. Lastly, wanted to plug Michael Ashcroft’s Expanding Awareness course for helping me really understand the value of… expanding awareness… so that I could apply it to this particular domain of the blagenflorble heart. Thanks, Michael!

P.P.S. Also want to thank the people of Rickshaw who helped sanity check this post and also continually provide excellent friendship and love and blagenflorble.

", "url": "https://busterbenson.com/2022/05/28/a-blagenflorble-heart", "external_url": "https://buster.medium.com/46-a-blagenflorble-heart-31bc2a992a83", "tags": ["self-reflection","year-in-review"], "date_published": "2022-05-28T00:00:00+00:00", "date_modified": "2022-05-28T00:00:00+00:00", "author": "me" }, { "id": "https://busterbenson.com/2021/08/21/pocket-tarot", "title": "Pocket Tarot", "summary": null, "content_text": "", "content_html": "", "url": "https://busterbenson.com/2021/08/21/pocket-tarot", "external_url": "/tarot/", "tags": ["project","symbol-languages"], "date_published": "2021-08-21T00:00:00+00:00", "date_modified": "2021-08-21T00:00:00+00:00", "author": "me" }, { "id": "https://busterbenson.com/2021/05/28/year-of-reconstellation", "title": "45: Year of Reconstellation", "summary": null, "content_text": "I’ll come back to this but for now just a quick definition of a word that doesn’t exist that I’ll be using a lot: Reconstellate: v. the potentially foolish act of dismantling various constellations (not only of stars but also of identity and worldview) in order to create space for new constellations to be formed.Connecting dots from the pastI’ve reviewed my life around the time of my birthday now for 15 years. It’s always a bit of a challenge to review my life as it’s happening… it forces me to create a narrative of sorts even as I am a character within the narrative. And sometimes it’s possible to see things repeat in weird ways. For example, three years ago I was struggling with a toddler, a full-time job, and a contract to write a book about productive disagreements in an era of Trump chaos. Two years ago I left my tech job after a long string of tech jobs to recover from burnout and to finish and promote the book. Then last year the pandemic hit and the world turned upside down. Amongst many other big shifts, Kellianne and I decided to separate and ultimately get divorced, and I moved into my own place sharing 50% custody of our kids. New ideas are sprouting. A new relationship is blooming. The mottos I had for myself during these three years were “Dig deeper” in 2018 as I was reaching my breaking point, “All in and with the flow” in 2019 as I burned out just as the world toppled over, and “Year of the Amateur” in 2020 as the pandemic, solitude, and heavy resetting of everything engulfed us.Looking back further, I noticed that there was a similar progression of burnout and collapse in my 31st-34th years (2007–2010). 14 years ago in 2007 “Double Down” was my motto as my bar/art gallery struggled to stay alive, 13 years ago in 2008 I had “No Problem” as the bar closed, I got married, and the financial crises unfolded in the world. Then 12 years ago in 2009 my motto was “Frugal to the Max” as the quiet settled after the world economic collapse… and new companies germinated and I prepared to become a parent for the first time.I wonder if I can look to 2010, 11 years ago, for a personal historical rhyme to this coming year in some ways. That year the motto was “Cultivate the Core” and Niko had just been born, I was working on 750 Words, and was just about to start my final startup, Health Month. At this moment I don’t feel quite as bold as I did then… perhaps a symptom of having two kids and still working on and maintaining 750 Words 10 years later. BUT. I do feel a stirring of energy and excitement for life and living as a result of emerging from the tail end of a long pandemic. (I just pictured the pandemic as a giant snake that has pooped us out — discombobulated, eyes not adjusted to the sun, sort of gross and slimy — and that image WORKS for me!)The loose rhyming pattern of these 4 year progressions seems to be: Reach peak effort/burnout but rally for one last big push. Realize that things need to change, accept that, and dive into the change. Burn out, recover, and take stock of what is happening while listening for what is coming next. Learn from the past and begin building again.Of course, the goal is not to repeat this cycle, because burning out is pretty terrible and unhealthy. But the lesson of burnout isn’t that I shouldn’t think about building and participating in life and the world again once things have a chance to heal with time. A bit wiser, maybe.I’m not going to start any new businesses this year or have any more children. I’m quite happy with the business I have, 750 Words, and with my children. This cycle isn’t about building an idea or career or family or business from scratch, but making the existing incarnations of these stronger, helping them grow, and giving them space and time and love to become their own best versions of themselves. There’s a personal element in this too — I may be turning 45 years old but I’m not dead yet!Given the stress and burnout and all the coping mechanisms that I’ve developed to self-medicate myself these last few years, and my only life goal of riding my bike around the block on my 100th birthday, there’s ample opportunity and incentive for me to continue finding new, healthier, more integrated, and authentic ways of living that allow me to enjoy life for at least 65 more years.Deconstellating & reconstellatingI’m interested in dismantling / disconnecting dots / deconstellating many of my largest and most basic patterns and assumptions about my relationship to nature, my own health, and my ability to make sense of the world. With those atomic elements in front of me like Lego pieces after a storm, I hope to build something new that feels more stable and trustworthy of the ground beneath my feet.I think some deep brackishness exists in the tug of war between the independent pieces (stars, events, individuals, etc) and the constellations (narratives, meanings, patterns).Reconstellating is not about wiping out and starting over — it’s more of a dismantling / shaking of an existing stake pattern that helps me see the parts within the whole again, and to allow space and time to wiggle/shift/re-imagine how those pieces might fit together differently. A reconstellation re-uses the same stars, but makes it possible to see something in them that better fits the moment. And this new constellation will also eventually lose coherence and become fodder for yet another reconstellation again at some point.The process of reconstellation is like a brackish, two-way river that is constantly flowing towards a salty state of falling apart and a fresh state of coming together. It never fully reaches either.Raw materials & symbol languagesIn the last couple years I’ve become increasingly interested in archetypes, mythologies, and fables that speak to enduring themes of our existence. As much for their structure and colorful histories as their content and practical uses. It started with Tarot, the I Ching, and astrology. These are examples of old, evolved frameworks that map archetypes to the daily practice of everyday living. There are recurring themes of birth, adolescence, growth, mastery, and obsolescence. They use striking imagery and cultural reference points that speak to our existing stories and myths about the universe, nature, society, and governance. They provide convenient hooks for having meaningful conversations with each other, even in the light of day without need for alcohol or drama as an excuse to discuss these heavy things.I’ve been following this breadcrumb trail of symbol languages and stories and archetypes back in history to understand more about how they were originally conceived, and these paths always lead back to awe-inspiring feats of collective storytelling, engineering, and culture-building. One interesting observation I’ve noticed is that many of the paths seem to eventually lead back to the Sumerian civilization of roughly 4,100–1750 B.C.E. They were some of the earliest known architects of the calendar, the zodiac, and many of our myths. They may have been the first to use our familiar base-60 system for measuring time (60 minutes in an hour, 60 seconds in a minute), space (360 degrees in a circle), seasons (12 or 13 lunar-based months in a year, each with feasts and rituals fit for that time of year). Much of what they came up with was picked up and extended by the Babylonians, followed by Jewish, Islamic, and Christian cultures. In a time of divisiveness and chaos, it’s been nice to be reminded that we do all have common roots in history.I like to think about this long period of time where the calendar and the stars and the stories in the constellations and the feasts and rituals around the year were all obviously connected into a holistic system for seeing and feeling connected to the world. As I emerge from the tail of the long pandemic snake — blinking, confused, anxious, and lost — these threads of connection with the moon, stars, sun, seasons, stories, and our shared history as a human race on this planet all help me feel grounded and connected to what is happening now, here, with us.These days we can get free lunar calendars and star map apps on our phones and know when the next new or full moon is, or the next solstice or equinox, and know that it’s the same celestial objects and occurrences that the Sumerians and the Babylonians and everyone who followed also looked at and studied.I can find the North Star, Polaris, and know that it’s the end of the handle of the Little Dipper, or the tail of Ursa Minor, and think about the stories that were told during a time before anybody knew that Polaris was a star like our own Sun, but much bigger. Polaris is a practical star to know about if you’re sailing in the northern hemisphere and need to know which way is north. For this very practical reason, as well as the fact that they hadn’t yet invented television and video games to entertain themselves by, many of the constellations we know about today were “written” thousands of years ago by constellating the stars. This meant drawing characters and stories onto the dotted canvas of the starry night and passing them down to each coming generation like a well-loved Netflix password.As I’ve learned about these stories about Orion and the Great Bear and the zodiac throughout the years, I’ve found them both interesting and unsettling. It’s impossible to ignore the fact that the stories in the constellations include frequent casual stories about rape, murder, and other blatant abuses of power. When I look to the sky and see these stars, and hear these stories, they don’t necessarily feel like a reflection of my own biggest questions, stories, and guesses about the world, they feel a bit like watching an old movie that once spoke to a different audience who had different problems and different tools for solving them.It’s the same way I feel when I watch Marvel movies, to be honest. Interesting and highly entertaining, yes, but also unsettling in their obsession with framing everything in violence, their unfailing emphasis on aggressive heroic acts as the only way to resolve problems of every kind, and blatant dismissal of the damage to everyone and everything around them in the process.And yes it’s the same way I feel when I think about Bitcoin, and colonizing Mars, and working 80 hours a week to help venture-funded companies make their founders rich. It’s how I feel after being digested by a culture intent on productivity and individual achievement and resume-building. All of it is increasingly difficult to relate to, or to participate in.So, minding my own rhyming cycle with burnout, recovery, and renewal, my idea this year is give myself space and time to reconstellate the sky (and my soul) with stories that reflect my own values and that make me feel connected to other people, projects, and ambitions that are feeling similarly lost and unrepresented in the broad strokes of today’s world and culture. I have no intention of diminishing or disrespecting the past, but think it’s also possible to take the spirit of the constellations and re-enact the process of using them to capture and share meaning stories. They can be about who we are today. And I want to do this as an invitation for others who might be interested in re-enacting this in their own way. The night sky is big enough for all of us.Here’s the inaugural test balloon. My first reconstellation, Ursa Minor. That’s a pretty easy star to find in the sky, and seems like as good of a place to start as any. So I will!How to reconstellate the sky: Disconnect the dots / erase the lines between constellations that we’ve inherited. Look at the pieces as they are separate from the whole: stars and planets and other celestial objects; pieces of our own lives (our environments, our beliefs, our work/routines, and our identities). Relax into this recently freed space and entertain new ways to reconstellate all of this deconstructed raw material into both old and new stories and meanings. Ask new questions and start new conversations.Reconstellation #1Ursa Minor becomes The Pinecones. This being the first constellation — the one attached to the North Star, Polaris — I think the Lodgepole Pine is a perfect symbol for holding up the night sky. They’re tall, straight, uniform trees that have been used by indigenous people for a long time to build dwellings and other structures. Their inner bark is nutrient rich and can be used to make bread; their needles make a good tea; their resin can be used as a base for medicines treating muscle pain and colds. They have a quiet and humble majesty to them. Additionally, the pinecones from these trees are sealed tight and don’t open and release their seeds unless activated by heat — like a fire. As a result, these trees have become reliant on the natural forest cycles that include drought and fire to reproduce. You can say that they grow from the ashes of the past if you wanted to be dramatic (and I sorta do). As I begin this new cycle of reconstellation, they’re a good reminder that cycles of destruction and creation are linked, and each one always naturally leads into the other.Since this my the first new constellation, I decided to forego the usual connect-the-dots style constellation and instead allow each star to be a complete mini-constellation pinecone in itself, while also part of a set of peer pinecones, and the parent of a new set of trees when the next fire comes along and opens them up. They exist in the brackish, primordial, celestial goo state that flows back and forth between star-likeness and constellation-likeness.The pinecones we can see within this constellation on any given night are those that have caught fire and are opening up, birthing constellations throughout the rest of the night sky.Ask new questions If a fire is a time when core beliefs and assumptions about the world are challenged or completely toppled over: Is there a fire happening right now? Was there a fire recently? Has there been drought that might indicate a fire in the near future? What are your lodgepole pines? If they were burned down, what might grow from their seeds? What would you build with what you have in front of you today even if you knew it would be eventually lost?HistoryPast associations, etymology, notesRelated to: The Chimera (reverse polarity)Cynosura: “dog’s tail” in Greek, became cynosure which means “guiding star” in EnglishLittle Dipper, Wagon/Wain, Plow, CoffinLittle Bear / Lesser Bear: One of the nymphs, Ida, who hid Zeus from Kronos when he was a baby. In a different story, Arcas (son of Zeus and Callisto) was turned into a little bear along with his mother by Hera. It never dips below the horizon and is visible year-round. Apparently Hera did this as punishment so they would not be able to drink water. Long tail stretched out because of spinning around the pole for so long.The North Star: Polaris, pole star, polar star. The northern axis of the Earth points to it. A navigation tool for sailors and travelers Top 50 bright star Will be closest to true north in 2105.Pherkad (al-farkadan: two calves) and Kochab (kaukab: star) were also known as Guards or Guardians of the Pole and imagined by Arabs as two calves.Personal: Yin to The Chimera’s Yang Divergent, receptive, patience, quiet, still The Star card in tarot (openness, faith, longing) The 2nd hexagram of the I Ching: earth over earth (supportive power)Reconstellating the other 87…Who knows how far this will go. I’ll be keeping track here.(Credit: constellation-guide.com)", "content_html": "

I’ll come back to this but for now just a quick definition of a word that doesn’t exist that I’ll be using a lot:

Reconstellate: v. the potentially foolish act of dismantling various constellations (not only of stars but also of identity and worldview) in order to create space for new constellations to be formed.

Connecting dots from the past

I’ve reviewed my life around the time of my birthday now for 15 years. It’s always a bit of a challenge to review my life as it’s happening… it forces me to create a narrative of sorts even as I am a character within the narrative. And sometimes it’s possible to see things repeat in weird ways. For example, three years ago I was struggling with a toddler, a full-time job, and a contract to write a book about productive disagreements in an era of Trump chaos. Two years ago I left my tech job after a long string of tech jobs to recover from burnout and to finish and promote the book. Then last year the pandemic hit and the world turned upside down. Amongst many other big shifts, Kellianne and I decided to separate and ultimately get divorced, and I moved into my own place sharing 50% custody of our kids. New ideas are sprouting. A new relationship is blooming. The mottos I had for myself during these three years were “Dig deeper” in 2018 as I was reaching my breaking point, “All in and with the flow” in 2019 as I burned out just as the world toppled over, and “Year of the Amateur” in 2020 as the pandemic, solitude, and heavy resetting of everything engulfed us.

Looking back further, I noticed that there was a similar progression of burnout and collapse in my 31st-34th years (2007–2010). 14 years ago in 2007 “Double Down” was my motto as my bar/art gallery struggled to stay alive, 13 years ago in 2008 I had “No Problem” as the bar closed, I got married, and the financial crises unfolded in the world. Then 12 years ago in 2009 my motto was “Frugal to the Max” as the quiet settled after the world economic collapse… and new companies germinated and I prepared to become a parent for the first time.

I wonder if I can look to 2010, 11 years ago, for a personal historical rhyme to this coming year in some ways. That year the motto was “Cultivate the Core” and Niko had just been born, I was working on 750 Words, and was just about to start my final startup, Health Month. At this moment I don’t feel quite as bold as I did then… perhaps a symptom of having two kids and still working on and maintaining 750 Words 10 years later. BUT. I do feel a stirring of energy and excitement for life and living as a result of emerging from the tail end of a long pandemic. (I just pictured the pandemic as a giant snake that has pooped us out — discombobulated, eyes not adjusted to the sun, sort of gross and slimy — and that image WORKS for me!)

The loose rhyming pattern of these 4 year progressions seems to be:

  1. Reach peak effort/burnout but rally for one last big push.
  2. Realize that things need to change, accept that, and dive into the change.
  3. Burn out, recover, and take stock of what is happening while listening for what is coming next.
  4. Learn from the past and begin building again.

Of course, the goal is not to repeat this cycle, because burning out is pretty terrible and unhealthy. But the lesson of burnout isn’t that I shouldn’t think about building and participating in life and the world again once things have a chance to heal with time. A bit wiser, maybe.

I’m not going to start any new businesses this year or have any more children. I’m quite happy with the business I have, 750 Words, and with my children. This cycle isn’t about building an idea or career or family or business from scratch, but making the existing incarnations of these stronger, helping them grow, and giving them space and time and love to become their own best versions of themselves. There’s a personal element in this too — I may be turning 45 years old but I’m not dead yet!Given the stress and burnout and all the coping mechanisms that I’ve developed to self-medicate myself these last few years, and my only life goal of riding my bike around the block on my 100th birthday, there’s ample opportunity and incentive for me to continue finding new, healthier, more integrated, and authentic ways of living that allow me to enjoy life for at least 65 more years.

Deconstellating & reconstellating

I’m interested in dismantling / disconnecting dots / deconstellating many of my largest and most basic patterns and assumptions about my relationship to nature, my own health, and my ability to make sense of the world. With those atomic elements in front of me like Lego pieces after a storm, I hope to build something new that feels more stable and trustworthy of the ground beneath my feet.

I think some deep brackishness exists in the tug of war between the independent pieces (stars, events, individuals, etc) and the constellations (narratives, meanings, patterns).

Reconstellating is not about wiping out and starting over — it’s more of a dismantling / shaking of an existing stake pattern that helps me see the parts within the whole again, and to allow space and time to wiggle/shift/re-imagine how those pieces might fit together differently. A reconstellation re-uses the same stars, but makes it possible to see something in them that better fits the moment. And this new constellation will also eventually lose coherence and become fodder for yet another reconstellation again at some point.

The process of reconstellation is like a brackish, two-way river that is constantly flowing towards a salty state of falling apart and a fresh state of coming together. It never fully reaches either.

Raw materials & symbol languages

In the last couple years I’ve become increasingly interested in archetypes, mythologies, and fables that speak to enduring themes of our existence. As much for their structure and colorful histories as their content and practical uses. It started with Tarot, the I Ching, and astrology. These are examples of old, evolved frameworks that map archetypes to the daily practice of everyday living. There are recurring themes of birth, adolescence, growth, mastery, and obsolescence. They use striking imagery and cultural reference points that speak to our existing stories and myths about the universe, nature, society, and governance. They provide convenient hooks for having meaningful conversations with each other, even in the light of day without need for alcohol or drama as an excuse to discuss these heavy things.

I’ve been following this breadcrumb trail of symbol languages and stories and archetypes back in history to understand more about how they were originally conceived, and these paths always lead back to awe-inspiring feats of collective storytelling, engineering, and culture-building. One interesting observation I’ve noticed is that many of the paths seem to eventually lead back to the Sumerian civilization of roughly 4,100–1750 B.C.E. They were some of the earliest known architects of the calendar, the zodiac, and many of our myths. They may have been the first to use our familiar base-60 system for measuring time (60 minutes in an hour, 60 seconds in a minute), space (360 degrees in a circle), seasons (12 or 13 lunar-based months in a year, each with feasts and rituals fit for that time of year). Much of what they came up with was picked up and extended by the Babylonians, followed by Jewish, Islamic, and Christian cultures. In a time of divisiveness and chaos, it’s been nice to be reminded that we do all have common roots in history.

I like to think about this long period of time where the calendar and the stars and the stories in the constellations and the feasts and rituals around the year were all obviously connected into a holistic system for seeing and feeling connected to the world. As I emerge from the tail of the long pandemic snake — blinking, confused, anxious, and lost — these threads of connection with the moon, stars, sun, seasons, stories, and our shared history as a human race on this planet all help me feel grounded and connected to what is happening now, here, with us.

These days we can get free lunar calendars and star map apps on our phones and know when the next new or full moon is, or the next solstice or equinox, and know that it’s the same celestial objects and occurrences that the Sumerians and the Babylonians and everyone who followed also looked at and studied.

I can find the North Star, Polaris, and know that it’s the end of the handle of the Little Dipper, or the tail of Ursa Minor, and think about the stories that were told during a time before anybody knew that Polaris was a star like our own Sun, but much bigger. Polaris is a practical star to know about if you’re sailing in the northern hemisphere and need to know which way is north. For this very practical reason, as well as the fact that they hadn’t yet invented television and video games to entertain themselves by, many of the constellations we know about today were “written” thousands of years ago by constellating the stars. This meant drawing characters and stories onto the dotted canvas of the starry night and passing them down to each coming generation like a well-loved Netflix password.

As I’ve learned about these stories about Orion and the Great Bear and the zodiac throughout the years, I’ve found them both interesting and unsettling. It’s impossible to ignore the fact that the stories in the constellations include frequent casual stories about rape, murder, and other blatant abuses of power. When I look to the sky and see these stars, and hear these stories, they don’t necessarily feel like a reflection of my own biggest questions, stories, and guesses about the world, they feel a bit like watching an old movie that once spoke to a different audience who had different problems and different tools for solving them.

It’s the same way I feel when I watch Marvel movies, to be honest. Interesting and highly entertaining, yes, but also unsettling in their obsession with framing everything in violence, their unfailing emphasis on aggressive heroic acts as the only way to resolve problems of every kind, and blatant dismissal of the damage to everyone and everything around them in the process.

And yes it’s the same way I feel when I think about Bitcoin, and colonizing Mars, and working 80 hours a week to help venture-funded companies make their founders rich. It’s how I feel after being digested by a culture intent on productivity and individual achievement and resume-building. All of it is increasingly difficult to relate to, or to participate in.

So, minding my own rhyming cycle with burnout, recovery, and renewal, my idea this year is give myself space and time to reconstellate the sky (and my soul) with stories that reflect my own values and that make me feel connected to other people, projects, and ambitions that are feeling similarly lost and unrepresented in the broad strokes of today’s world and culture. I have no intention of diminishing or disrespecting the past, but think it’s also possible to take the spirit of the constellations and re-enact the process of using them to capture and share meaning stories. They can be about who we are today. And I want to do this as an invitation for others who might be interested in re-enacting this in their own way. The night sky is big enough for all of us.

Here’s the inaugural test balloon. My first reconstellation, Ursa Minor. That’s a pretty easy star to find in the sky, and seems like as good of a place to start as any. So I will!

How to reconstellate the sky:

  1. Disconnect the dots / erase the lines between constellations that we’ve inherited.
  2. Look at the pieces as they are separate from the whole: stars and planets and other celestial objects; pieces of our own lives (our environments, our beliefs, our work/routines, and our identities).
  3. Relax into this recently freed space and entertain new ways to reconstellate all of this deconstructed raw material into both old and new stories and meanings.
  4. Ask new questions and start new conversations.

Reconstellation #1

Ursa Minor becomes The Pinecones. This being the first constellation — the one attached to the North Star, Polaris — I think the Lodgepole Pine is a perfect symbol for holding up the night sky. They’re tall, straight, uniform trees that have been used by indigenous people for a long time to build dwellings and other structures. Their inner bark is nutrient rich and can be used to make bread; their needles make a good tea; their resin can be used as a base for medicines treating muscle pain and colds. They have a quiet and humble majesty to them. Additionally, the pinecones from these trees are sealed tight and don’t open and release their seeds unless activated by heat — like a fire. As a result, these trees have become reliant on the natural forest cycles that include drought and fire to reproduce. You can say that they grow from the ashes of the past if you wanted to be dramatic (and I sorta do). As I begin this new cycle of reconstellation, they’re a good reminder that cycles of destruction and creation are linked, and each one always naturally leads into the other.

Since this my the first new constellation, I decided to forego the usual connect-the-dots style constellation and instead allow each star to be a complete mini-constellation pinecone in itself, while also part of a set of peer pinecones, and the parent of a new set of trees when the next fire comes along and opens them up. They exist in the brackish, primordial, celestial goo state that flows back and forth between star-likeness and constellation-likeness.

\"Pinecones\"

The pinecones we can see within this constellation on any given night are those that have caught fire and are opening up, birthing constellations throughout the rest of the night sky.

Ask new questions

History

\"History\"

Past associations, etymology, notes

Related to:

\"History\"

(Credit: constellation-guide.com)

", "url": "https://busterbenson.com/2021/05/28/year-of-reconstellation", "external_url": "https://buster.medium.com/45-year-of-reconstellation-38f7c0917c1b", "tags": ["self-reflection","year-in-review"], "date_published": "2021-05-28T00:00:00+00:00", "date_modified": "2021-05-28T00:00:00+00:00", "author": "me" }, { "id": "https://busterbenson.com/2021/03/25/brackish-notes-spring-2021", "title": "Brackish Notes, Spring 2021", "summary": null, "content_text": "", "content_html": "", "url": "https://busterbenson.com/2021/03/25/brackish-notes-spring-2021", "external_url": "https://paper.dropbox.com/doc/Brackish-Notes-Spring-2021--BHmdRiwtUU2wRogiP7VRqXOfAQ-ldOAQgyAP9e1LcU66n7Vp", "date_published": "2021-03-25T00:00:00+00:00", "date_modified": "2021-03-25T00:00:00+00:00", "author": "me" }, { "id": "https://busterbenson.com/2021/01/28/visualizing-our-shared-mood-take-one", "title": "Visualizing our shared mood, take one", "summary": null, "content_text": "", "content_html": "", "url": "https://busterbenson.com/2021/01/28/visualizing-our-shared-mood-take-one", "external_url": "https://buster.substack.com/p/visualizing-our-shared-mood-take", "date_published": "2021-01-28T00:00:00+00:00", "date_modified": "2021-01-28T00:00:00+00:00", "author": "me" }, { "id": "https://busterbenson.com/2021/01/10/a-house-covered-in-kudzu", "title": "A house covered in kudzu", "summary": null, "content_text": "", "content_html": "", "url": "https://busterbenson.com/2021/01/10/a-house-covered-in-kudzu", "external_url": "https://buster.substack.com/p/a-house-covered-in-kudzu", "date_published": "2021-01-10T00:00:00+00:00", "date_modified": "2021-01-10T00:00:00+00:00", "author": "me" }, { "id": "https://busterbenson.com/2020/07/14/notes-on-tim-urbans-epic-blog-post-series-a-story-of-us", "title": "Notes on Tim Urban's epic blog post series, \"A Story of Us\"", "summary": null, "content_text": "Contents: 2nd pass notes Series links Concepts Raw notes by chapter", "content_html": "

Contents:

", "url": "https://busterbenson.com/2020/07/14/notes-on-tim-urbans-epic-blog-post-series-a-story-of-us", "external_url": "https://paper.dropbox.com/doc/A-Story-of-Us-by-Tim-Urban--A3z~DuAABh8A1FLUaUYNBL1BAQ-QSRJSqikSbWuyX08xNObF", "date_published": "2020-07-14T00:00:00+00:00", "date_modified": "2020-07-14T00:00:00+00:00", "author": "me" }, { "id": "https://busterbenson.com/2020/06/08/on-white-fragility", "title": "Letter.wiki conversation on White Fragility", "summary": null, "content_text": "", "content_html": "", "url": "https://busterbenson.com/2020/06/08/on-white-fragility", "external_url": "https://letter.wiki/conversation/752", "tags": ["dialogue","social-issues"], "date_published": "2020-06-08T00:00:00+00:00", "date_modified": "2020-06-08T00:00:00+00:00", "author": "me" }, { "id": "https://busterbenson.com/2020/06/03/notes-on-white-fragility", "title": "Notes on White Fragility, by Robin DiAngelo", "summary": null, "content_text": "", "content_html": "", "url": "https://busterbenson.com/2020/06/03/notes-on-white-fragility", "external_url": "https://paper.dropbox.com/doc/White-Fragility--A2EYzN2YCCcbKy8lCd1LBrTtAQ-DCiS7xZzi4uI4y94yuRKt", "date_published": "2020-06-03T00:00:00+00:00", "date_modified": "2020-06-03T00:00:00+00:00", "author": "me" }, { "id": "https://busterbenson.com/2020/06/01/notes-on-awakening-from-the-meaning-crisis", "title": "Notes on Awakening from the Meaning Crisis, by John Vervaeke", "summary": null, "content_text": "", "content_html": "", "url": "https://busterbenson.com/2020/06/01/notes-on-awakening-from-the-meaning-crisis", "external_url": "https://paper.dropbox.com/doc/Awakening-from-the-Meaning-Crisis--A1JQFgX3gqz96K6X6GGj8ttAAQ-eumeziSkhUeIQ9TXkXzAJ", "date_published": "2020-06-01T00:00:00+00:00", "date_modified": "2020-06-01T00:00:00+00:00", "author": "me" }, { "id": "https://busterbenson.com/2020/05/28/year-of-the-amateur", "title": "44: Year of the Amateur", "summary": null, "content_text": "I’ve reviewed my life around the time of my birthday every year for the last 14 years. It’s a funny habit to review a life as it’s happening. I can look back to last year when I was just acclimating to a life without a full-time tech job (with all its perks and foibles) and finishing up a book with no idea what lay on the other side of that project. Being “all in and with the flow” turned out to be a useful mindset to approach the increasingly chaotic world on the brink of cultural collapse and a global pandemic. And also a fine one to witness the contradictions of all of this as the stock market floats on a cloud of overconfidence and willful blindness.This year I’m feeling drawn to the idea of embracing the upheaval as a portal to a new timeline. Instead of calling all the King’s horses and all the King’s men to put the world back together again, I want to look at the rubble and ask what new things can be built from these little pebbles.“Amateur” is my one word motto for my 44th orbit.I tend to sign up for a many online courses, but rarely complete them. Dr Jason Fox’s Choose One Word online course is a delightful exception — I gobbled up every one of the videos and exercises over the course of a few weeks. He offered a whimsical tour through my favorite corners of self-reflection, character development, and meaning-making. Long story short, it was the perfect fit as an expansion pack to my yearly review, and is how I ended up arriving at “amateur” as my word for this year.What is an amateur?An amateur is: “One who cultivates and participates in something but does not pursue it professionally or with an eye to gain.” – Online Etymology DictionaryThe label of an amateur can be used both aspirationally and in a derogatory manner. The amateur is the opposite of labels like the professional, the expert, the authority — which also have both positive and negative connotations. There are many strong cases made for the expert over the amateur. There are honesty many circumstances where I agree with the case for experts, especially when responding to a problem that is urgent and well-understood. It’s tough to argue that expertise plays a valuable role in today’s world with so many complex problems.When is the amateur needed, then? Experts are useful when the domains of knowledge, wisdom, and craft required to thrive in a given situation are all well-understood. They are less useful when the chaotic nature of reality reveals a new chaotic shenanigan that hasn’t yet been reckoned with. Experts of other fields may swoop in, steeped in Dunning-Kruger effect, and attempt to apply their expertise in the other domain to the problem at hand. Sometimes that works, other times it makes things worse. The amateur can enter the domain with a desire to see and understand the new landscape with a beginner’s eyes, and clear a path of not-knowing so that new understanding can take seed and build up again.The case for the amateur can be made for anyone that looks at our current world and recognizes that a lot of the current problems have the +Chaos Monkey’s hand in it. These problems haven’t been reckoned with before, at the scale that we’re dealing with them, with the constraints that we currently have. An amateur, free from the burden of having to appear certain, is able to surf incoherence even if it means wiping out a lot in the beginning. It means actively seeking to dialogue with the Chaos Monkey rather than trying to exile them. Because that’s impossible.What kind of map will this be?It will be a map of whatever comes to mind as relevant to what is happening. It will be inconsistent, it will jump around, some parts will be way too detailed and others not nearly detailed enough. It’ll basically be a web of living Notebooks that capture whatever comes their way, linking to each other. The ability to solicit inline comments and thoughts as the scribbles are put down on paper is an interesting perk of using Dropbox Paper for something personal rather than professional. There is no thesis, no claim to working towards the truth, but hopefully some of the scrawlings will spark something in you, that then lead to something that sparks another connection for me, and we’ll get somewhere interesting together.Rough notes on being an amateurPrinciples / Values Savor Mistakes. Practice letting mistakes linger instead of being immediately erased. Look at them and ask them how they can be a teacher. Indulge Distractions. Always make space and time for quiet, undirected interests to blossom. Instead of stomping down the trail of progress, keep an ear open for that unexpected bird call, and then stop and shhh to see if I can hear it again. Consider a new trail that gets you closer to the unexpected bird. Consider Foolish Leads. Embark on foolish journeys. The professionals and experts have bewildered me and I sometimes can’t tell which journeys are worthwhile and which aren’t. There are probably good things hidden on trails that have been marked as too foolish to walk down. Integrated these into my +Values for Living.Patterns / Behaviors Do nothing frequently. Invite disagreement and conversational rabbit holes. Draw random things for fun. Play fun things on the piano. Have fun reading Tarot and other symbol languages. Make imperfect meals ambitiously. Launch impossible projects before they’re ready. Leave some projects unfinished. Give things away without thought. Publish first drafts. Allow inconsistency that feels right.Associations Hobbies: Professionals have interests, skills, talents etc applied to projects and initiatives. Amateurs have hobbies that they love. The Pages and Princesses of Tarot The youngest of the court cards, the Page (or Princess, depending on the deck) of Cups, Wands, Swords, and Coins are typically known as the enthusiastic novices of their suit. They lack the caution and the mastery that the other court carts grow to represent. Mudskippers Long-term amateurs of life on land. Read the rest of the post here…", "content_html": "

I’ve reviewed my life around the time of my birthday every year for the last 14 years. It’s a funny habit to review a life as it’s happening. I can look back to last year when I was just acclimating to a life without a full-time tech job (with all its perks and foibles) and finishing up a book with no idea what lay on the other side of that project. Being “all in and with the flow” turned out to be a useful mindset to approach the increasingly chaotic world on the brink of cultural collapse and a global pandemic. And also a fine one to witness the contradictions of all of this as the stock market floats on a cloud of overconfidence and willful blindness.

This year I’m feeling drawn to the idea of embracing the upheaval as a portal to a new timeline. Instead of calling all the King’s horses and all the King’s men to put the world back together again, I want to look at the rubble and ask what new things can be built from these little pebbles.

“Amateur” is my one word motto for my 44th orbit.

I tend to sign up for a many online courses, but rarely complete them. Dr Jason Fox’s Choose One Word online course is a delightful exception — I gobbled up every one of the videos and exercises over the course of a few weeks. He offered a whimsical tour through my favorite corners of self-reflection, character development, and meaning-making. Long story short, it was the perfect fit as an expansion pack to my yearly review, and is how I ended up arriving at “amateur” as my word for this year.

What is an amateur?

An amateur is:

“One who cultivates and participates in something but does not pursue it professionally or with an eye to gain.” – Online Etymology Dictionary

The label of an amateur can be used both aspirationally and in a derogatory manner. The amateur is the opposite of labels like the professional, the expert, the authority — which also have both positive and negative connotations. There are many strong cases made for the expert over the amateur. There are honesty many circumstances where I agree with the case for experts, especially when responding to a problem that is urgent and well-understood. It’s tough to argue that expertise plays a valuable role in today’s world with so many complex problems.

When is the amateur needed, then? Experts are useful when the domains of knowledge, wisdom, and craft required to thrive in a given situation are all well-understood. They are less useful when the chaotic nature of reality reveals a new chaotic shenanigan that hasn’t yet been reckoned with. Experts of other fields may swoop in, steeped in Dunning-Kruger effect, and attempt to apply their expertise in the other domain to the problem at hand. Sometimes that works, other times it makes things worse. The amateur can enter the domain with a desire to see and understand the new landscape with a beginner’s eyes, and clear a path of not-knowing so that new understanding can take seed and build up again.

The case for the amateur can be made for anyone that looks at our current world and recognizes that a lot of the current problems have the +Chaos Monkey’s hand in it. These problems haven’t been reckoned with before, at the scale that we’re dealing with them, with the constraints that we currently have. An amateur, free from the burden of having to appear certain, is able to surf incoherence even if it means wiping out a lot in the beginning. It means actively seeking to dialogue with the Chaos Monkey rather than trying to exile them. Because that’s impossible.

What kind of map will this be?

It will be a map of whatever comes to mind as relevant to what is happening. It will be inconsistent, it will jump around, some parts will be way too detailed and others not nearly detailed enough. It’ll basically be a web of living Notebooks that capture whatever comes their way, linking to each other. The ability to solicit inline comments and thoughts as the scribbles are put down on paper is an interesting perk of using Dropbox Paper for something personal rather than professional. There is no thesis, no claim to working towards the truth, but hopefully some of the scrawlings will spark something in you, that then lead to something that sparks another connection for me, and we’ll get somewhere interesting together.

Rough notes on being an amateurPrinciples / Values

  1. Savor Mistakes. Practice letting mistakes linger instead of being immediately erased. Look at them and ask them how they can be a teacher.
  2. Indulge Distractions. Always make space and time for quiet, undirected interests to blossom. Instead of stomping down the trail of progress, keep an ear open for that unexpected bird call, and then stop and shhh to see if I can hear it again. Consider a new trail that gets you closer to the unexpected bird.
  3. Consider Foolish Leads. Embark on foolish journeys. The professionals and experts have bewildered me and I sometimes can’t tell which journeys are worthwhile and which aren’t. There are probably good things hidden on trails that have been marked as too foolish to walk down.
  4. Integrated these into my +Values for Living.Patterns / Behaviors

Read the rest of the post here…

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Our heads know that this was only a few months of calendar time, but our hearts know that it was a lifetime ago. The last letter was titled, What’s Next?, quaintly referring to what was next for me after all my book promotion and conversation. And now we have an answer! It’s the same as your answer. We have all converged our timelines. We have all also converged our vocabularies: exponential curves! social distancing! lockdown! community spread! contact tracing! self-quarantine! zoom happy hour! I imagine if aliens were watching us from space for the last few millennia, disorganized and frantic, how weird it must have been to see us all suddenly start moving in a more coordinated way than we likely ever have before as a species.In a matter of weeks, cars started disappearing.So did airplanes. And with them, pollution went down.People, unable to work or travel, stopped buying things as well.(See many more impacts in this Google Slides presentation by Luke Wroblewski.)All of this came “out of nowhere” and yet it may also feel to some like it was destined to happen. As I wrote my letter from January 16th, referencing the Tower card in tarot:Many of us feel like there’s an upheaval happening in the world today.I don’t think I was referring to COVID-19 directly. It was way more ambiguous than that. Looking back at what the New York Times had already published the situation was presented in ways that we now know underestimated what was about to happen:Jan 10th: The coronavirus, which surfaced in the city of Wuhan, has put the region on alert, but there is no evidence that it can spread among humans.Jan 22nd: James G. Hodge Jr., director of the Center for Public Health Law and Policy at Arizona State University, said the shutdown [in Wuhan] would almost certainly lead to human rights violations and would be patently unconstitutional in the United States.And yet, here we are. Now this is happening. Now the upheaval has a name and a face.The world is in upheaval. We are in upheaval.There’s no denying it, because denial is followed by even more upheaval and death. Those natural consequences are unfortunately not necessarily only delivered for those who were denying it, but to the rest of us as well.Suddenly, we know on a visceral level that our individual actions have an enormous impact to ourselves and the world. Our fears have a name, and an action plan, and we can track its impact via data published continuously throughout the day. In a weird way, for better and worse, what we do matters. Our everyday routines have meaning. Yes, the conditions are not ideal nor of our choosing. We’re under enormous threat of dire consequences not only for our own actions, but of the actions of everyone else around us. And then there are the downsides caused by the safety measures themselves, that we pay even in a best case scenario.We have, collectively, entered a meaningful moment of history that is unpredictable in its unfolding (other than that it will definitely change us forever). We’ve all been recruited to play an important role in directly shifting that timeline. Where should we put our energy, attention, and weight? That’s a personal question we can each ask, with unique opportunities, costs, and constraints. The only thing we must do at some level is observe what’s happening, orient ourselves to what we see, and participate in it as it is happening. Between stimulus and response there is space.In that space is our power to choose our response.In our response lies our growth and our freedom. — UnknownDuring this weird time I want to use this Substack to contribute as honestly and positively as I can. So I will be shifting focus from “what’s next” for me towards “what might be helpful” to you and me. My understanding of what’s helpful is imperfect, and “my power to choose my response” is limited by my own understanding, so I’ll start small with one meaningful thing at a time.Here’s a poem I read the other day that has helped me connect with this weird moment in time, which I found linked in Austin Kleon’s excellent newsletter.Things to Do in the Belly of the WhaleBy Dan Albergotti Measure the walls. Count the ribs. Notch the long days.Look up for blue sky through the spout. Make small fireswith the broken hulls of fishing boats. Practice smoke signals.Call old friends, and listen for echoes of distant voices.Organize your calendar. Dream of the beach. Look each wayfor the dim glow of light. Work on your reports. Revieweach of your life’s ten million choices. Endure momentsof self-loathing. Find the evidence of those before you.Destroy it. Try to be very quiet, and listen for the soundof gears and moving water. Listen for the sound of your heart.Be thankful that you are here, swallowed with all hope,where you can rest and wait. Be nostalgic. Think of allthe things you did and could have done. Remembertreading water in the center of the still night sea, your toespointing again and again down, down into the black depths.That’s one meaningful thing. If we can find one, then there may be others out there. If I find another I’ll share it in another week or so.From my remote space to yours,Buster", "content_html": "

My last letter to you all was on January 16th of this year 2020. Our heads know that this was only a few months of calendar time, but our hearts know that it was a lifetime ago. The last letter was titled, What’s Next?, quaintly referring to what was next for me after all my book promotion and conversation. And now we have an answer! It’s the same as your answer. We have all converged our timelines. We have all also converged our vocabularies: exponential curves! social distancing! lockdown! community spread! contact tracing! self-quarantine! zoom happy hour! I imagine if aliens were watching us from space for the last few millennia, disorganized and frantic, how weird it must have been to see us all suddenly start moving in a more coordinated way than we likely ever have before as a species.

In a matter of weeks, cars started disappearing.

\"\"

So did airplanes. And with them, pollution went down.

\"\"

People, unable to work or travel, stopped buying things as well.

\"\"

(See many more impacts in this Google Slides presentation by Luke Wroblewski.)

All of this came “out of nowhere” and yet it may also feel to some like it was destined to happen. As I wrote my letter from January 16th, referencing the Tower card in tarot:

Many of us feel like there’s an upheaval happening in the world today.

I don’t think I was referring to COVID-19 directly. It was way more ambiguous than that. Looking back at what the New York Times had already published the situation was presented in ways that we now know underestimated what was about to happen:

Jan 10th: The coronavirus, which surfaced in the city of Wuhan, has put the region on alert, but there is no evidence that it can spread among humans.

Jan 22nd: James G. Hodge Jr., director of the Center for Public Health Law and Policy at Arizona State University, said the shutdown [in Wuhan] would almost certainly lead to human rights violations and would be patently unconstitutional in the United States.

And yet, here we are. Now this is happening. Now the upheaval has a name and a face.

\"\"

The world is in upheaval. We are in upheaval.

There’s no denying it, because denial is followed by even more upheaval and death. Those natural consequences are unfortunately not necessarily only delivered for those who were denying it, but to the rest of us as well.

Suddenly, we know on a visceral level that our individual actions have an enormous impact to ourselves and the world. Our fears have a name, and an action plan, and we can track its impact via data published continuously throughout the day. In a weird way, for better and worse, what we do matters. Our everyday routines have meaning. Yes, the conditions are not ideal nor of our choosing. We’re under enormous threat of dire consequences not only for our own actions, but of the actions of everyone else around us. And then there are the downsides caused by the safety measures themselves, that we pay even in a best case scenario.

We have, collectively, entered a meaningful moment of history that is unpredictable in its unfolding (other than that it will definitely change us forever). We’ve all been recruited to play an important role in directly shifting that timeline. Where should we put our energy, attention, and weight? That’s a personal question we can each ask, with unique opportunities, costs, and constraints. The only thing we must do at some level is observe what’s happening, orient ourselves to what we see, and participate in it as it is happening.

Between stimulus and response there is space.In that space is our power to choose our response.In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

— Unknown

During this weird time I want to use this Substack to contribute as honestly and positively as I can. So I will be shifting focus from “what’s next” for me towards “what might be helpful” to you and me. My understanding of what’s helpful is imperfect, and “my power to choose my response” is limited by my own understanding, so I’ll start small with one meaningful thing at a time.

Here’s a poem I read the other day that has helped me connect with this weird moment in time, which I found linked in Austin Kleon’s excellent newsletter.

Things to Do in the Belly of the Whale

By Dan Albergotti

Measure the walls. Count the ribs. Notch the long days.Look up for blue sky through the spout. Make small fireswith the broken hulls of fishing boats. Practice smoke signals.Call old friends, and listen for echoes of distant voices.Organize your calendar. Dream of the beach. Look each wayfor the dim glow of light. Work on your reports. Revieweach of your life’s ten million choices. Endure momentsof self-loathing. Find the evidence of those before you.Destroy it. Try to be very quiet, and listen for the soundof gears and moving water. Listen for the sound of your heart.Be thankful that you are here, swallowed with all hope,where you can rest and wait. Be nostalgic. Think of allthe things you did and could have done. Remembertreading water in the center of the still night sea, your toespointing again and again down, down into the black depths.

That’s one meaningful thing. If we can find one, then there may be others out there. If I find another I’ll share it in another week or so.

From my remote space to yours,

Buster

", "url": "https://busterbenson.com/2020/04/07/one-meaningful-thing", "external_url": "https://buster.substack.com/p/one-meaningful-thing", "date_published": "2020-04-07T00:00:00+00:00", "date_modified": "2020-04-07T00:00:00+00:00", "author": "me" }, { "id": "https://busterbenson.com/2020/01/23/why-we-need-a-personal-mythology", "title": "Why We Should Create Personal Mythologies (and How)", "summary": null, "content_text": "Setting context for this post is going to be tough. It’s gonna get weird but I try to tie it all together into a useful proposal by the end. Bear with me!I tossed this idea out the other day: I have a silly 2020 idea that involves creating my own personal mythology that:A) passes my own bullshit test B) connects me deeply to myself, my interests, and the world, and C) affords ways to see the world clearly, make sense of it, participate in it, and talk about it.— Buster Benson (@buster) January 1, 2020 This is an idea that’s been developing in the back of my head, in very nebulous regions of my notes and thoughts, after a number of long-running themes have converged for me. My book on productive disagreement is out, and the 3 years I spent researching and writing it have really crystallized for me both the urgent need for new ways to relate to one another, which require new ways of having conversations, which require new ways of thinking about the world. It seems daunting but there are many very viable paths forward.If you want to skip ahead and see what I’m talking about instead of all this stuff I’m writing about the process, here’s a first stab at a few fables that I’m seeding my personal mythology with: Snake Fables, Book I.Otherwise, read on to learn more about what the “meaning crisis” is, why I think it’s important to revive the mythical realm in a way that is symbiotic with the realms of facts, personal values, and practicality. And lastly, a little bit about how we can go about doing this.What this post covers: Introduction: What is the Meaning Crisis Step 1: Rebuild the Mythical Realm Step 2: Plant Something Wicked Step 3: Add Tension That Cultivates Wisdom Step 4: Spark a Dialogue Conclusion: Take This AwayIntroduction: What is the Meaning Crisis?In John Vervaeke’s amazing 50-episode YouTube series, Awakening from the Meaning Crisis (which is very long but completely worth every minute if this topic is of interest to you), he articulates 3 Perennial Problems that cause us to feel like we’ve lost our grasp on the meaning of our lives. They can be succinctly described as: We’ve lost our sense of connection to an unquestionable shared ideology. Whereas throughout most of history we could rely on very specific cultural traditions, stories, a wise leaders that told us what is true, what is important, and what we should do with ourselves, for the most part those traditions have been exposed as being mistaken and in many cases harmful. There aren’t any unquestionable ideologies we can just assume we all agree on anymore. We can’t take anything for granted, and this causes us to feel like life is absurd. At best, we can suspend ourselves a bit above nihilism with secular humanism, but it’s not very stable because there’s nothing unquestionable about it. We’ve lost our sense of belonging and connection with others. Our identities have fragmented, intersected, complexified, and polarized. We’re swirling around an inescapable web of cultural systems that continue to rely on tribalism and oppression to maintain cohesiveness, and we can’t figure out how to connect with each other when every one of us has both benefited from and been complicit in perpetuating the problems at hand. The only tribes that create belonging these days seem to be those engaged in war with other tribes, and it’s tough to feel like we truly belong in any of them. Expressed as feelings of alienation and loneliness. We’ve lost our sense of connection to ourselves. Without an ideology we don’t question, and a community we truly belong to, it’s tough to know who we even are. We don’t have mentors and rituals to help us find ourselves. Even as we present ourselves as personal brands, we know that there’s no true soul there. We’re stuck with questions about every belief system, feeling like an outsider to every community, and don’t even know what we want or who we truly are. This expresses itself as a pervasive anxiety, and we soothe ourselves by taking up a regimen of escapes from that anxiety.These 3 perennial problems resonated with me to the core. I have been circling around them for years, calling them “universal conundrums” in the cognitive bias cheat sheet and eventually evolving them into the realms of the Head, Heart, and Hands in my book. These 3 realms are defined by how conversations in them are resolved: The Head Realm. The realm of information, evidence, etc that we can refer to socially as “true”. Conversations here can be resolved by looking up evidence that exists in the world somewhere. This maps to our connection with others, because we rely on communities and institutions to generate and vouch for this data that we can point to and dialogue about. The Heart Realm. The realm of values, beliefs, preferences that we build within ourselves and know is true subjectively. Conversations here can be resolved with self-reflection and introspection (if the question is about our values) or by asking other people about their own beliefs, values, etc. This maps to the perennial problem of connection with ourselves, because these values in many ways are the way we connect with ourselves. The Hands Realm. The realm of proposals, cultural norms, predictions, and markets. Conversations here can be resolved with making a bet, running an experiment, and then waiting for the results and comparing them to our predictions. This maps to the perennial problem of connection to the unquestionable ideology, because these are the culmination of the information and values we have, and that we use to do stuff out in the world that has an impact consistent with our values and knowledge.All of this is very limited background that probably doesn’t do justice to the complexity and urgency of the meaning crisis if you aren’t already familiar with it so feel free to drop off here if it feels absurd. Or, watch this video with David Fuller and John Vervaeke because they do a good job of describing it too: My goal with this article is to not only propose that we consider personal mythologies as a category of responses to these problems, but to start doing it and sharing how it is going. Near the end of Vervaeke’s series he articulates the need for a “wise cultivation of enlightenment”, which is sort of what I’m hinting at, while acknowledging that that might seem ridiculous to most people. Again, if it does, you probably won’t get much out of the rest of this article, and I won’t feel bad if you close this tab right here.Assuming you’re still with me on this journey, it’s time to double down on the weirdness!Step 1: Rebuild the Mythical RealmIf you’re like me, an atheist and about as anti-religion as they come, it might feel a bit dangerous to give the mythic realm another chance. The key is to be very strict about what we put in there, and to consult the realms of the head, heart, and hands as we go to make sure we’re not adding anything that isn’t compatible with our information, our values, and our practical lives.It’s not meant to be rushed.We’ve lost the language needed to talk about where, if not in the scientific head realm, they should be located in our belief systems. I think one of the reasons why this realm has become so problematic is because it began to blend with the realm of the head and heart in counterproductive ways. It needs its own space, with its own rules. Looking back to the realms of the head, heart, and hands, for example, it’s easy to see how democracy and capitalism live in the realm of the hands (they’re all about making things work together), and it’s easy to see how therapy and relationships live in the realm of the heart (they’re all about identifying deep patterns in ourselves), and it’s easy to see how the scientific method and math and physics live in the realms of the head (they’re all about replicable results and data). But where can religion live? Where can spirituality live? Where can angels, demons, heaven, hell, ghosts, muses, superstitions, horoscopes, etc live? If you put them in the realm of the head (information) they quickly fall apart due to lack of tangible evidence. If you put them into the realm of the heart (personal values), there’s no way to say that these subjective values connect to universal truths, which most of them try to claim at some point. If you put them in the realm of the hands (useful proposals), we quickly learn that they have very little predictive power and usefulness compared to other belief systems. Before the meaning crisis ate it all up, there was another realm that we could all use by referring to “God’s Word” or “Divine Will” or fate or destiny or prophesy or what have you. That realm has been destroyed, bit by bit, over the last couple centuries, and it was eaten up by the other realms: the head realm invalidated its truth claims, the heart realm showed how its belief systems had the effect of reducing our agency against our values, and the hands realm pointed to other belief systems that were much more effective at building useful proposals about the world, and profiting from them.The Lost 4th RealmThis 4th realm of myths has been dismantled, and now we don’t have a place to put divinities, spirits, and the sacred other than into the realm of the heart as entertainment. The symbols and archetypes of Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, the Marvel Universe, Hunger Games, and Game of Thrones are now more a part of our collective culture and language than the stories of Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, etc. Except they’re limited to being entertaining fictions instead of sacred myths. They’re designed to help us escape the anxiety of our perennial problems, not to solve them by affording us the tools and space that enable us to connect ourselves to reality and create meaning. To tentatively access this scrubbed mythical realm, try to remember times when you were deeply immersed in the flow state, and everything felt meaningful and connected around a specific skill or task. Does it have lots of baggage and trauma in there? If so, it may require more scrubbing before moving forward.Since none of us likely have a mythical realm that isn’t problematic in at least a few ways, I propose that we revisit it with special suits and gloves, as you would a nuclear test zone. We need to reformat it, wipe it completely clean, twice, three times, and make sure all the yucky old toxic ideologies are really scrubbed off. Then, we can begin to ask if there’s anything at all that we can put in there that doesn’t set off our alarm bells in the other realms and re-traumatize us.This realm was embedded in our language and cultures for a long time. It’s the realm where we sometimes access that feeling of true purpose, calling, and meaning. Everything makes sense in the mythic realm, for better and worse. It’s where epic forces participate in larger-than-life battles. It has quieter forces as well — we experience these as luck, or coincidence, or synchronicity. This article, Mythic Mode, really made this tangible for me: Mythic mode is a way of looking at the world through a story-like lens. When you enter mythic mode, you recognize that you’re a character in Omega’s story, as is everyone else. And because you’re very likely familiar with a wide range of story types, you can probably look around and see who has been given which kind of plot hook, and to what kind of tale.It’s a mode that enables personal transformation and enlightenment. It’s a mode that is all about establishing a connection with the sacred, so that we can use that to break our current frame of thinking and transcend it. It does this through story that’s not true from a factual, or subjective, or even predictive sense, but is only true as a myth of becoming. If you can identify a well-known story type that fits the transition you want and also starts from a place pretty close to where you are, and you have enough slack to lean into that role, then the web might conspire to help you play out that script. The thing is, you can’t just sit outside your role and figure out what to do. That isn’t what it feels like to live the epic story you’re examining; that’s playing the role of someone who is (among other things) analyzing the story they think they’re in. Instead, if you want to use this approach, you have to learn how to experience story from the inside. That’s essentially what mythic mode is.There was a passage in Kim Krans’s The Wild Unknown Archetypes Guidebook that said something similar, with different words (in case these resonate with you more): Let’s imagine that as you open this deck, you are in fact discovering a pair of mystical spectacles and through their lenses you begin to view the world in a new and more vibrant way. These glasses have a knack for seeing The Unseen, unveiling the hidden, spotting the elusive, and bringing to life what has long been inanimate. For example, look at the mug that sits before you on your desk (or the one you drank from this morning). YES, INDEED, IT IS JUST A MUG. THAT’S ALL. A MUG IS A MUG! Yet, through the archetypal lens of your mystical spectacles the mug mimics one of the oldest forms of all… The Vessel! It tethers you to the innate desire of humans to hold something in, to contain a valued substance so it doesn’t leak, spill, dissipate, diminish, or disappear. We suddenly recognize that vessels and containers are everywhere… the physical body, a house, a relationship, a classroom, a state, a nation — they are all containers. Their purpose is to hold, protect, support, and distinguish one thing from the other. Through this type of contemplation we understand why the morning routine with our warm drink is so timeless and satisfying. Sure, the mug is just a mug, yet while wearing our mystical spectacles, we know it’s more than that. We are now looking through the archetypal lens, where anything can happen. We hold The Vessel in our hands and bring it to our lips, and suddenly we are tied to an innately humbling human experience more universal than we could imagine.The realm of myths, the archetypal lens, and mythic mode are different ways of seeing this way of connecting our reality to the universal story directly. And hopefully, by seeing it as a bridge that complements the other realms, and not as a world that replaces the other realms, we can reconnect with our meaningful role in the universe in a way that we’ve lost, and miss, without compromising our connection to truth, our values, and the practical.Step 2: Plant Something WickedOne strategy for figuring out what to put into the mythical realm is to look for real problems that we haven’t had much success addressing within the other realms. The realms of Head, Heart, and Hands are designed to resolve conversations in their own unique ways, so what kinds of problems or conversations could a mythical realm address that the others can’t?And here we can basically look to the meaning crisis, because it’s a list of problems that began to pile up as soon as the old 4th realm was shut down: the Perennial Problems of being connected to ourselves, to others, and to a shared mythology. The real bottom line here is that we have a deeply embedded need to feel connected to the meaningless universe. The realms of Head, Heart, and Hands have nothing that can help us with this.I think of this category of problems as “wicked problems” and have written some thoughts about it with a few others. I’ve tried to articulate the qualities of a wicked problem as: Personal, unavoidable, and existential Difficult, requiring lots of investment up front, and ongoing Complex and impossible to really pin down for sure Lacking in any viable solutionsBecause the other realms don’t stake any claims on this kind of problem, and yet are problems that we have identified as important to address, I propose that we seed our realm of myths with all of our wicked problems that have no other home. Since this is the realm of myths, we can wrap them with mythical narrative and say that these problems are the seeds that grow into a Dark Forest. The universe, mythically-speaking, is a dark forest that defies understanding and intimidates is with its darkness and it’s sheer size and scale. An example of the Dark Forest’s voiceDark Forest is filled with disquieting truths that we can’t escape and even in our tiny corner of it there are existential problems expanding like a cancer across the land. The Dark Forest is teeming with giant monsters like political polarization, environmental disasters, systemic discrimination and inequality, human rights, morality, and the problem of mortality itself. There are also smaller monsters like personal fulfillment, creative energy, mental and physical health, difficult relationships, power dynamics, personal responsibility, financial independence, and job satisfaction. Each monster requires more investment than we can afford to give, and so we fight ineffectively against them individually and as a whole. Sometimes it feels like whatever we do only causes them to come back stronger.This isn’t a realm that responds readily to facts, values, and proposals like we’re used to. It’s a realm that requires impossible trade-offs between existential needs, personal transformation, and enlightenment to transcend our understanding and become able to see the problems from a higher perspective. All we have is a problematic forest so far — we don’t have any gods to pray to for help, or prophesies of heroes that will rescue us. In fact, the reliance on heroes and saviors and gods was part of what made the realm fall apart last time, so we need something that not only integrates with the other realms but that also makes them stronger as well.How can we use the artifacts we’ve brought in from the other realms (what we know about how wicked problems work, the beliefs and values that are threatened by them, and the strategies that seem to work best in the real world) to better face the wicked problems of the Dark Forest with integrity and respect?It’s not all about heroes and saviors, though they play a part.Step 3: Add Tension That Cultivates WisdomVervaeke talks about how the “wise cultivation of enlightenment” requires us to develop an “ecosystem of psycho-technologies” that help us address the perennial problems. They need to be more than just a list of instructions, but a suite of practices we can directly experience that actively change us as we have them.This ecology of practices needs to be wrapped in a welcoming and inviting worldview that is responsive to new circumstances, new members, and new developments from the Dark Forest without giving in to the downward spiral of self-deception and fear. It has to stay open and vulnerable to the truths that come out of the Dark Forest as well as the realms of the Head, Heart, and Hands. And it also needs so stay cohesive enough to hold people together, even as it changes over time.An Updated Shared LanguageIn order to satisfy the other realms, we should first try to address some gripes they’ve had with past mythologies. I’ll mention some here briefly in the hopes of diving into them more later on: Plausibility and Relevance replace Objectivity: Instead of referring to truth as objectively true or false, use a multi-step evolution of truth from being implausible to plausible, and then from being plausible to relevant/useful within a given context. For example, for now we can say that the existence of an objective reality is plausible, but not currently relevant to our mythology. We shouldn’t make claims about objective reality from this realm unless we change our stance on that point. Leave what is true to the realm of the head. Inexhaustibility replaces the Infinite and Eternal: Instead of relying on the infinite and eternal, use the idea of the inexhaustible (not infinite but much more abundant than we’ll ever need). For example, the Sun provides us with a reliable and practically inexhaustible source of energy, but the Sun is not an infinite source, nor is it eternal. Indispensability replaces Universality: Instead of relying on universal dogma that is forever fixed, use the idea of indispensability within a context. For example, the English language is indispensable to my thinking, and to my ability to communicate with others, but it’s not a universal requirement for thinking or communication. Real patterns replace Essences: Instead of relying on true essences of things, in the Platonic sense, use the idea of real patterns. For example, a chair has no true essence, but is a real pattern. The difference is that a pattern is fuzzy and has no definitive threshold where it becomes or unbecomes that thing. The same thing can even be a chair to one person and a rock to another, because the pattern exists as part of the subjective landscape (heart realm) of the interpreter.The problem with objectivity, infinity, eternity, universality, and essences is that they can all be better validated (or falsified) by the realms of the Head (information) and Hands (experiments). To the extent that those things are plausible and relevant to our myths, we can delegate the tasks of validation to those other realms instead, and avoid a whole lotta future contradictions and battles.In simpler terms, the realm of myths will not attempt to “prove” that anything is objectively true, infinite, eternal, universal, or possessing of a true essence. The realm of myth is about how things change, and how to feel connected to a universe where everything is in flux.Where Do Sages Come From?In the realm of this myth, everything comes from the Dark Forest, and eventually returns to it. But we can be more specific. Sages come from the seeds of specific wicked problems, the same ones that the Dark Forest grows out of, and represent our impulses to tame the Dark Forest’s chaos in some way.The most salient and relevant wicked problem that we generally confront is chaos and death. We don’t want to return to the Dark Forest. We want to stay separate, whatever that means. So, this can be the egg that becomes our first primordial sage.The first sage egg is born from our unresolvable tension between being something (good) and being nothing (bad), and our unflaggable preference for the former. If we had no preference here, we wouldn’t need a sage. There’s no more universal preference in living things than the preference to be something instead of nothing, so it’s a good place to start. This tension develops into the art and science of definition, security, containment, protection, and separation from all of the opposites of those things.It’s the subconscious impulse for security and order that pushes against chaos and disorder with all its being, and by doing so, becomes conscious.Let’s capture this first impulse and call it the Snake Egg. I’ve written 4 short fables that explore this potential sage here:Step 4: Spark a DialogueThis is where it makes sense to leave our safe perch in the realm of the head, heart, and hands, and step into the realm of myth. There, we can start to tell the story from the inside.As I’ve already discovered during my random brainstorming for this weird project of creating a personal mythology to help me confront the meaning crisis, working with the realm of myth isn’t something that you can do solo. If it were, then the realm of the heart would suffice.Myth is much more about participation, ritual, transformations, and serious play than it is about words and ideas. Also, it makes sense to be extra cautious with the realm of myth, and keep things as minimal as possible so that we don’t accidentally brainwash ourselves. So let’s review our building blocks and see what we have to play with before going any further.Outside the realm of myths, we talked about: The 3 perennial problems related to how we have lost contact with the real universe, and it’s causing a crisis of sorts. The realms of the head, heart, and hands are really useful places for a certain kind of conversation, but they aren’t up to the task of addressing the perennial problems. We once had a thriving realm of mythology, but it was dismantled for parts after the previous wave of mythologies couldn’t keep up with other realms. But, we can still access it, once we delete everything in it first.Within the realm of myths, we have a few building blocks set up: The Dark Forest, which grew from the seeds of all of our wicked problems that we can’t solve in the other realms. The Snake Egg, which was born from our own tension with the prospect of death, meaninglessness, etc. The Dialogue, between Snake and Forest, can now begin.The next step is have that dialogue and use the realm to make this tension between something and nothing, chaos and order, become real within the realm of my own personal myth. This post is just a scratch pad for the real artifacts that can be created in the realm of myths. The real work is to internalize the mythologies (sages, forest, and all) and to use that mode to better participate in the world’s problems and opportunities.None of this is an easy ask, obviously.I’m curious what others think of this so far. What are your thoughts Jon Bell, Kevin McGillivray, Vicki Tan, Geoff Lewis 🎨 ✍🏻, Aaron Z. Lewis, ArielMeadowStallings, BJ Campbell, Jordan Hall, Jonny Miller, Andrew Taggart, Dr Jason Fox, and others? Too weird? Not weird enough? Needs some salt?Conclusion: Take This AwayThe tldr is that we need new ways to address the perennial problems, and one of them that I see being most viable is to revive the mythic realm in a way that doesn’t challenge the strengths of the other realms. This will allow us to identify new salient possibilities (and motivations to act) via an epic story lens that are absent when we only try to address them with a scientific or economic lens, because solving these problems will never be cost-effective or practical in the moment.This isn’t meant to be conclusive or authoritative on the meaning crisis or our response to it. Consider it a conversation piece that can be torn apart, forked and improved, played with, or ignored. The main point is to encourage participation in this conversation, because we can’t get anywhere without taking a few first stumbling steps.", "content_html": "

Setting context for this post is going to be tough. It’s gonna get weird but I try to tie it all together into a useful proposal by the end. Bear with me!

I tossed this idea out the other day:

I have a silly 2020 idea that involves creating my own personal mythology that:

A) passes my own bullshit test

B) connects me deeply to myself, my interests, and the world, and

C) affords ways to see the world clearly, make sense of it, participate in it, and talk about it.

— Buster Benson (@buster) January 1, 2020

This is an idea that’s been developing in the back of my head, in very nebulous regions of my notes and thoughts, after a number of long-running themes have converged for me. My book on productive disagreement is out, and the 3 years I spent researching and writing it have really crystallized for me both the urgent need for new ways to relate to one another, which require new ways of having conversations, which require new ways of thinking about the world. It seems daunting but there are many very viable paths forward.

If you want to skip ahead and see what I’m talking about instead of all this stuff I’m writing about the process, here’s a first stab at a few fables that I’m seeding my personal mythology with: Snake Fables, Book I.

Otherwise, read on to learn more about what the “meaning crisis” is, why I think it’s important to revive the mythical realm in a way that is symbiotic with the realms of facts, personal values, and practicality. And lastly, a little bit about how we can go about doing this.

What this post covers:

Introduction: What is the Meaning Crisis?

In John Vervaeke’s amazing 50-episode YouTube series, Awakening from the Meaning Crisis (which is very long but completely worth every minute if this topic is of interest to you), he articulates 3 Perennial Problems that cause us to feel like we’ve lost our grasp on the meaning of our lives. They can be succinctly described as:

  1. We’ve lost our sense of connection to an unquestionable shared ideology. Whereas throughout most of history we could rely on very specific cultural traditions, stories, a wise leaders that told us what is true, what is important, and what we should do with ourselves, for the most part those traditions have been exposed as being mistaken and in many cases harmful. There aren’t any unquestionable ideologies we can just assume we all agree on anymore. We can’t take anything for granted, and this causes us to feel like life is absurd. At best, we can suspend ourselves a bit above nihilism with secular humanism, but it’s not very stable because there’s nothing unquestionable about it.
  2. We’ve lost our sense of belonging and connection with others. Our identities have fragmented, intersected, complexified, and polarized. We’re swirling around an inescapable web of cultural systems that continue to rely on tribalism and oppression to maintain cohesiveness, and we can’t figure out how to connect with each other when every one of us has both benefited from and been complicit in perpetuating the problems at hand. The only tribes that create belonging these days seem to be those engaged in war with other tribes, and it’s tough to feel like we truly belong in any of them. Expressed as feelings of alienation and loneliness.
  3. We’ve lost our sense of connection to ourselves. Without an ideology we don’t question, and a community we truly belong to, it’s tough to know who we even are. We don’t have mentors and rituals to help us find ourselves. Even as we present ourselves as personal brands, we know that there’s no true soul there. We’re stuck with questions about every belief system, feeling like an outsider to every community, and don’t even know what we want or who we truly are. This expresses itself as a pervasive anxiety, and we soothe ourselves by taking up a regimen of escapes from that anxiety.

These 3 perennial problems resonated with me to the core. I have been circling around them for years, calling them “universal conundrums” in the cognitive bias cheat sheet and eventually evolving them into the realms of the Head, Heart, and Hands in my book. These 3 realms are defined by how conversations in them are resolved:

\"Head,

  1. The Head Realm. The realm of information, evidence, etc that we can refer to socially as “true”. Conversations here can be resolved by looking up evidence that exists in the world somewhere. This maps to our connection with others, because we rely on communities and institutions to generate and vouch for this data that we can point to and dialogue about.
  2. The Heart Realm. The realm of values, beliefs, preferences that we build within ourselves and know is true subjectively. Conversations here can be resolved with self-reflection and introspection (if the question is about our values) or by asking other people about their own beliefs, values, etc. This maps to the perennial problem of connection with ourselves, because these values in many ways are the way we connect with ourselves.
  3. The Hands Realm. The realm of proposals, cultural norms, predictions, and markets. Conversations here can be resolved with making a bet, running an experiment, and then waiting for the results and comparing them to our predictions. This maps to the perennial problem of connection to the unquestionable ideology, because these are the culmination of the information and values we have, and that we use to do stuff out in the world that has an impact consistent with our values and knowledge.

All of this is very limited background that probably doesn’t do justice to the complexity and urgency of the meaning crisis if you aren’t already familiar with it so feel free to drop off here if it feels absurd. Or, watch this video with David Fuller and John Vervaeke because they do a good job of describing it too:

My goal with this article is to not only propose that we consider personal mythologies as a category of responses to these problems, but to start doing it and sharing how it is going. Near the end of Vervaeke’s series he articulates the need for a “wise cultivation of enlightenment”, which is sort of what I’m hinting at, while acknowledging that that might seem ridiculous to most people. Again, if it does, you probably won’t get much out of the rest of this article, and I won’t feel bad if you close this tab right here.

Assuming you’re still with me on this journey, it’s time to double down on the weirdness!

Step 1: Rebuild the Mythical Realm

If you’re like me, an atheist and about as anti-religion as they come, it might feel a bit dangerous to give the mythic realm another chance. The key is to be very strict about what we put in there, and to consult the realms of the head, heart, and hands as we go to make sure we’re not adding anything that isn’t compatible with our information, our values, and our practical lives.

It’s not meant to be rushed.

We’ve lost the language needed to talk about where, if not in the scientific head realm, they should be located in our belief systems. I think one of the reasons why this realm has become so problematic is because it began to blend with the realm of the head and heart in counterproductive ways. It needs its own space, with its own rules. Looking back to the realms of the head, heart, and hands, for example, it’s easy to see how democracy and capitalism live in the realm of the hands (they’re all about making things work together), and it’s easy to see how therapy and relationships live in the realm of the heart (they’re all about identifying deep patterns in ourselves), and it’s easy to see how the scientific method and math and physics live in the realms of the head (they’re all about replicable results and data). But where can religion live? Where can spirituality live? Where can angels, demons, heaven, hell, ghosts, muses, superstitions, horoscopes, etc live? If you put them in the realm of the head (information) they quickly fall apart due to lack of tangible evidence. If you put them into the realm of the heart (personal values), there’s no way to say that these subjective values connect to universal truths, which most of them try to claim at some point. If you put them in the realm of the hands (useful proposals), we quickly learn that they have very little predictive power and usefulness compared to other belief systems. Before the meaning crisis ate it all up, there was another realm that we could all use by referring to “God’s Word” or “Divine Will” or fate or destiny or prophesy or what have you. That realm has been destroyed, bit by bit, over the last couple centuries, and it was eaten up by the other realms: the head realm invalidated its truth claims, the heart realm showed how its belief systems had the effect of reducing our agency against our values, and the hands realm pointed to other belief systems that were much more effective at building useful proposals about the world, and profiting from them.

The Lost 4th Realm

This 4th realm of myths has been dismantled, and now we don’t have a place to put divinities, spirits, and the sacred other than into the realm of the heart as entertainment. The symbols and archetypes of Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, the Marvel Universe, Hunger Games, and Game of Thrones are now more a part of our collective culture and language than the stories of Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, etc. Except they’re limited to being entertaining fictions instead of sacred myths. They’re designed to help us escape the anxiety of our perennial problems, not to solve them by affording us the tools and space that enable us to connect ourselves to reality and create meaning. To tentatively access this scrubbed mythical realm, try to remember times when you were deeply immersed in the flow state, and everything felt meaningful and connected around a specific skill or task. Does it have lots of baggage and trauma in there? If so, it may require more scrubbing before moving forward.

Since none of us likely have a mythical realm that isn’t problematic in at least a few ways, I propose that we revisit it with special suits and gloves, as you would a nuclear test zone. We need to reformat it, wipe it completely clean, twice, three times, and make sure all the yucky old toxic ideologies are really scrubbed off. Then, we can begin to ask if there’s anything at all that we can put in there that doesn’t set off our alarm bells in the other realms and re-traumatize us.

This realm was embedded in our language and cultures for a long time. It’s the realm where we sometimes access that feeling of true purpose, calling, and meaning. Everything makes sense in the mythic realm, for better and worse. It’s where epic forces participate in larger-than-life battles. It has quieter forces as well — we experience these as luck, or coincidence, or synchronicity. This article, Mythic Mode, really made this tangible for me:

Mythic mode is a way of looking at the world through a story-like lens. When you enter mythic mode, you recognize that you’re a character in Omega’s story, as is everyone else. And because you’re very likely familiar with a wide range of story types, you can probably look around and see who has been given which kind of plot hook, and to what kind of tale.

It’s a mode that enables personal transformation and enlightenment. It’s a mode that is all about establishing a connection with the sacred, so that we can use that to break our current frame of thinking and transcend it. It does this through story that’s not true from a factual, or subjective, or even predictive sense, but is only true as a myth of becoming.

If you can identify a well-known story type that fits the transition you want and also starts from a place pretty close to where you are, and you have enough slack to lean into that role, then the web might conspire to help you play out that script.

The thing is, you can’t just sit outside your role and figure out what to do. That isn’t what it feels like to live the epic story you’re examining; that’s playing the role of someone who is (among other things) analyzing the story they think they’re in.

Instead, if you want to use this approach, you have to learn how to experience story from the inside. That’s essentially what mythic mode is.

There was a passage in Kim Krans’s The Wild Unknown Archetypes Guidebook that said something similar, with different words (in case these resonate with you more):

Let’s imagine that as you open this deck, you are in fact discovering a pair of mystical spectacles and through their lenses you begin to view the world in a new and more vibrant way. These glasses have a knack for seeing The Unseen, unveiling the hidden, spotting the elusive, and bringing to life what has long been inanimate. For example, look at the mug that sits before you on your desk (or the one you drank from this morning). YES, INDEED, IT IS JUST A MUG. THAT’S ALL. A MUG IS A MUG! Yet, through the archetypal lens of your mystical spectacles the mug mimics one of the oldest forms of all… The Vessel! It tethers you to the innate desire of humans to hold something in, to contain a valued substance so it doesn’t leak, spill, dissipate, diminish, or disappear. We suddenly recognize that vessels and containers are everywhere… the physical body, a house, a relationship, a classroom, a state, a nation — they are all containers. Their purpose is to hold, protect, support, and distinguish one thing from the other.

Through this type of contemplation we understand why the morning routine with our warm drink is so timeless and satisfying. Sure, the mug is just a mug, yet while wearing our mystical spectacles, we know it’s more than that. We are now looking through the archetypal lens, where anything can happen. We hold The Vessel in our hands and bring it to our lips, and suddenly we are tied to an innately humbling human experience more universal than we could imagine.

The realm of myths, the archetypal lens, and mythic mode are different ways of seeing this way of connecting our reality to the universal story directly. And hopefully, by seeing it as a bridge that complements the other realms, and not as a world that replaces the other realms, we can reconnect with our meaningful role in the universe in a way that we’ve lost, and miss, without compromising our connection to truth, our values, and the practical.

Step 2: Plant Something Wicked

One strategy for figuring out what to put into the mythical realm is to look for real problems that we haven’t had much success addressing within the other realms. The realms of Head, Heart, and Hands are designed to resolve conversations in their own unique ways, so what kinds of problems or conversations could a mythical realm address that the others can’t?

And here we can basically look to the meaning crisis, because it’s a list of problems that began to pile up as soon as the old 4th realm was shut down: the Perennial Problems of being connected to ourselves, to others, and to a shared mythology. The real bottom line here is that we have a deeply embedded need to feel connected to the meaningless universe. The realms of Head, Heart, and Hands have nothing that can help us with this.

I think of this category of problems as “wicked problems” and have written some thoughts about it with a few others. I’ve tried to articulate the qualities of a wicked problem as:

  1. Personal, unavoidable, and existential
  2. Difficult, requiring lots of investment up front, and ongoing
  3. Complex and impossible to really pin down for sure
  4. Lacking in any viable solutions

Because the other realms don’t stake any claims on this kind of problem, and yet are problems that we have identified as important to address, I propose that we seed our realm of myths with all of our wicked problems that have no other home. Since this is the realm of myths, we can wrap them with mythical narrative and say that these problems are the seeds that grow into a Dark Forest. The universe, mythically-speaking, is a dark forest that defies understanding and intimidates is with its darkness and it’s sheer size and scale.

An example of the Dark Forest’s voice

Dark Forest is filled with disquieting truths that we can’t escape and even in our tiny corner of it there are existential problems expanding like a cancer across the land. The Dark Forest is teeming with giant monsters like political polarization, environmental disasters, systemic discrimination and inequality, human rights, morality, and the problem of mortality itself. There are also smaller monsters like personal fulfillment, creative energy, mental and physical health, difficult relationships, power dynamics, personal responsibility, financial independence, and job satisfaction. Each monster requires more investment than we can afford to give, and so we fight ineffectively against them individually and as a whole. Sometimes it feels like whatever we do only causes them to come back stronger.

This isn’t a realm that responds readily to facts, values, and proposals like we’re used to. It’s a realm that requires impossible trade-offs between existential needs, personal transformation, and enlightenment to transcend our understanding and become able to see the problems from a higher perspective. All we have is a problematic forest so far — we don’t have any gods to pray to for help, or prophesies of heroes that will rescue us. In fact, the reliance on heroes and saviors and gods was part of what made the realm fall apart last time, so we need something that not only integrates with the other realms but that also makes them stronger as well.

How can we use the artifacts we’ve brought in from the other realms (what we know about how wicked problems work, the beliefs and values that are threatened by them, and the strategies that seem to work best in the real world) to better face the wicked problems of the Dark Forest with integrity and respect?

It’s not all about heroes and saviors, though they play a part.

Step 3: Add Tension That Cultivates Wisdom

Vervaeke talks about how the “wise cultivation of enlightenment” requires us to develop an “ecosystem of psycho-technologies” that help us address the perennial problems. They need to be more than just a list of instructions, but a suite of practices we can directly experience that actively change us as we have them.

This ecology of practices needs to be wrapped in a welcoming and inviting worldview that is responsive to new circumstances, new members, and new developments from the Dark Forest without giving in to the downward spiral of self-deception and fear. It has to stay open and vulnerable to the truths that come out of the Dark Forest as well as the realms of the Head, Heart, and Hands. And it also needs so stay cohesive enough to hold people together, even as it changes over time.

An Updated Shared Language

In order to satisfy the other realms, we should first try to address some gripes they’ve had with past mythologies. I’ll mention some here briefly in the hopes of diving into them more later on:

The problem with objectivity, infinity, eternity, universality, and essences is that they can all be better validated (or falsified) by the realms of the Head (information) and Hands (experiments). To the extent that those things are plausible and relevant to our myths, we can delegate the tasks of validation to those other realms instead, and avoid a whole lotta future contradictions and battles.

In simpler terms, the realm of myths will not attempt to “prove” that anything is objectively true, infinite, eternal, universal, or possessing of a true essence. The realm of myth is about how things change, and how to feel connected to a universe where everything is in flux.

Where Do Sages Come From?

In the realm of this myth, everything comes from the Dark Forest, and eventually returns to it. But we can be more specific. Sages come from the seeds of specific wicked problems, the same ones that the Dark Forest grows out of, and represent our impulses to tame the Dark Forest’s chaos in some way.

The most salient and relevant wicked problem that we generally confront is chaos and death. We don’t want to return to the Dark Forest. We want to stay separate, whatever that means. So, this can be the egg that becomes our first primordial sage.

The first sage egg is born from our unresolvable tension between being something (good) and being nothing (bad), and our unflaggable preference for the former. If we had no preference here, we wouldn’t need a sage. There’s no more universal preference in living things than the preference to be something instead of nothing, so it’s a good place to start. This tension develops into the art and science of definition, security, containment, protection, and separation from all of the opposites of those things.

It’s the subconscious impulse for security and order that pushes against chaos and disorder with all its being, and by doing so, becomes conscious.

Let’s capture this first impulse and call it the Snake Egg. I’ve written 4 short fables that explore this potential sage here:

Step 4: Spark a Dialogue

This is where it makes sense to leave our safe perch in the realm of the head, heart, and hands, and step into the realm of myth. There, we can start to tell the story from the inside.

As I’ve already discovered during my random brainstorming for this weird project of creating a personal mythology to help me confront the meaning crisis, working with the realm of myth isn’t something that you can do solo. If it were, then the realm of the heart would suffice.

Myth is much more about participation, ritual, transformations, and serious play than it is about words and ideas. Also, it makes sense to be extra cautious with the realm of myth, and keep things as minimal as possible so that we don’t accidentally brainwash ourselves. So let’s review our building blocks and see what we have to play with before going any further.

Outside the realm of myths, we talked about:

  1. The 3 perennial problems related to how we have lost contact with the real universe, and it’s causing a crisis of sorts.
  2. The realms of the head, heart, and hands are really useful places for a certain kind of conversation, but they aren’t up to the task of addressing the perennial problems.
  3. We once had a thriving realm of mythology, but it was dismantled for parts after the previous wave of mythologies couldn’t keep up with other realms. But, we can still access it, once we delete everything in it first.

Within the realm of myths, we have a few building blocks set up:

  1. The Dark Forest, which grew from the seeds of all of our wicked problems that we can’t solve in the other realms.
  2. The Snake Egg, which was born from our own tension with the prospect of death, meaninglessness, etc.
  3. The Dialogue, between Snake and Forest, can now begin.

The next step is have that dialogue and use the realm to make this tension between something and nothing, chaos and order, become real within the realm of my own personal myth. This post is just a scratch pad for the real artifacts that can be created in the realm of myths. The real work is to internalize the mythologies (sages, forest, and all) and to use that mode to better participate in the world’s problems and opportunities.

None of this is an easy ask, obviously.

I’m curious what others think of this so far. What are your thoughts Jon Bell, Kevin McGillivray, Vicki Tan, Geoff Lewis 🎨 ✍🏻, Aaron Z. Lewis, ArielMeadowStallings, BJ Campbell, Jordan Hall, Jonny Miller, Andrew Taggart, Dr Jason Fox, and others? Too weird? Not weird enough? Needs some salt?

Conclusion: Take This Away

The tldr is that we need new ways to address the perennial problems, and one of them that I see being most viable is to revive the mythic realm in a way that doesn’t challenge the strengths of the other realms. This will allow us to identify new salient possibilities (and motivations to act) via an epic story lens that are absent when we only try to address them with a scientific or economic lens, because solving these problems will never be cost-effective or practical in the moment.

This isn’t meant to be conclusive or authoritative on the meaning crisis or our response to it. Consider it a conversation piece that can be torn apart, forked and improved, played with, or ignored. The main point is to encourage participation in this conversation, because we can’t get anywhere without taking a few first stumbling steps.

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