We have a FREE WEEK this week here at Four Foxes-One Hound. For this week, I’m stepping back in time, to share something that I wrote about four and a half years ago.
My life circumstances have changed since then. My better half didn’t survive the battle with cancer. So those days of 3-4 doctor’s visits a week are over. But over the past two months, I’ve jumped into my own health complications, discovering I have cataracts and there are some complications slowing down the process for surgical resolution. I’m not in Texas anymore, I’m now living in Arizona with my oldest son and grandson.
But yet, even though these details have changed, the main issue here – the life balance part of the real life/writing equation – remains the same.
The daily minutiae have evolved into something else. But the main take away is still valid. The flogger I mention at the end, that I stuck away inside a drawer, to avoid beating myself up with, is still packed away – never unpacked from the move. Where it belongs. Out of sight. And I urge you that if you have one you tend to use on yourself now and then – toss that sucker in the trash!
Real Life vs Writing
August 1, 2021
Unfortunately, as writers, we all have to deal with the issues that ‘Real Life’ delivers. Which is why I’m writing this essay ten days later than I’d planned. We don’t pen our words in a bubble that surrounds us as a buffer between our imaginary worlds and the real world that we live in.
Darn!
Real Life issues vary from author to author. And they differ as we progress on this journey called life. What I’m dealing with now differs from what I had five years ago, ten years ago, or twenty years ago.
At this moment I’m trying to juggle my writing in between chauffeuring my better half back and forth to chemotherapy, radiation, appointments for lab work, MRI’s, CT Scans and the other miscellaneous ‘stuff’ that comes with a cancer diagnosis. I also have a job, fortunately part time, which allows me the flexibility to juggle my work commitments around a medical schedule. And cats – many of them – which takes up about 2 hours a day in ‘cat duty’. There’s a yard, a half-acre full of lawn, trees, and huge flowerbeds. And perched in the middle of all the days are the odd assortment of tasks – laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. (When I do those, which isn’t as often nowadays.)
In contrast to what’s on my plate, I don’t have little ones anymore. Or teenagers. Or dogs. Or a full-time job. No family nearby. And many of you are still dealing with these things. Or more.
So, yes, ‘real-life’ sometimes wedges its way into my best laid writing plans. Despite what I plan out for the week or the month, I often find that I’m crossing off fewer tasks than I’d like. Most of them push their way into the next month, and the next month, and soon, books that I’d planned for one year are pushed out so far that two or three years pass by and I haven’t touched them.
Letting this happen, letting ‘real-life’ invade my writing schedule is taunted as being something to avoid at all costs. Don’t let it happen. Get up an hour earlier. Go to bed an hour later. Let things slide. Writing must be the reigning master.
But of course, we know that’s not going to happen either.
As in most everything in life – balance is the key. Just as we sometimes have to consciously work to maintain balance between a job and family, we need to have balance in our writing life too.
Now, if I’d push forward and make sure that writing is held as the highest priority in my life, I might have moved forward in my career faster than I’ve been able to. I might even be a New York Times bestseller by now. I might have accolades and awards to show off for my hard work and dedication. (And maybe not.)
But…balance.
Yes, we need to hold our writing life in the highest regard. But not at the expense of some of the other parts of our life that are just as important. Like family. Friends. Enjoyment. Self-Care.
Balance.
And self-care. We also don’t need to beat ourselves up over something we haven’t accomplished, so something we’re lagging behind in.
For instance, my writing goals for last week were:
- Write 3 chapters in my current WIP, The POW’s Legacy.
- Write 2 essays for A Year in the Life (this book), because I’m a week behind and need to catch up.
- Write 2 Chicken Soup for the Soul essays.
- Write 1 short story for my Short Story of the Month Club that I need to send out in 2 weeks, approximately 4-6,000 words.
What I accomplished was:
- One chapter in my WIP
- 1 essay written (when I finish this)
- 2 Chicken Soup drafts written (one on the computer, one still by hand on a yellow legal pad, written as I sat in a doctor’s office waiting)
- Short story started, but only at 1,500 words so far.
What I achieved was far less than I’d planned. Far less than I really needed to write. But at least I got some words down. I did make some progress.
But if you’re anything like me, even though you might make progress, or if you don’t move forward at all, you probably spend too much time flogging yourself and beating yourself up. Which isn’t good for our souls, our bodies, our health, or our emotions.
I have a friend who is an encourager. Unfortunately, we live far apart. I’m in Texas and she’s in New York. So, most of our communication is via email, occasionally on Facebook. After a free, open day that I’d planned to get a lot of writing done, or after a weekend relatively free of commitments, I’ll email and report on what I’d gotten done over the period. Or, more often, I’d be reporting what I didn’t get done. As I chastise myself and berate myself for not crossing every item off my list.
Cindy is always so great at reminding me to be proud of what I did accomplish. She always writes and holds me up from afar, gently prompting me to be kind to myself.
So, with all this said, I’m not going to write to you as one author to another and force the mantra on you to WRITE-WRITE-WRITE. I’m going to share what I think is most important and use the phrase – BALANCE. Yes, write. Especially if you find that you’re squandering several hours on Facebook, or making TikTok videos, or not making good use of the time you could apply to writing.
But, if you’re not getting done what you need to because your time and energy is more urgently needed in family activities, or keeping a marriage together, or being there for a loved one, or taking time for yourself so that you remain healthy, optimistic, and energetic, then I’m going to support you in that.
Balance.
Some of this. Some of that. If we can keep a balance between writing and Real Life, without falling off of the seesaw, then pat yourself on the back for what you’ve done. Put the flogger away in a drawer. The world is too busy berating us for too many things, we don’t need to join them.
Patricia Kiyono
Jeff Salter
Tonette Joyce
trishafaye
Four Foxes, One Hound 
Oh, Trisha, you have no idea how I needed to read this RIGHT NOW. I made myself sit down while waiting to go to Louisville with my sister to wrap up some legal matters from my brother, trying to squeeze in SOMETHING to do with my writing side.
I used to stay up late to get writing in. I used to get up early to get writing in.
I wrote on my lunch breaks at work.
I took on a challenge and did wonderfully…once, I thought that maybe I just needed someone/something to push me, but no, my life has been beyond most people’s comprehension. I have been called lazy, been told I am no longer a writer, been told to put out or shut up, been told to “just do it”. I do when I can, which, between all the family dealings and my own health, has not been much.
Few understand. They write when there are little kids, (so did I); they write when they are ill, (so have I); they let housework go, (I’ve done that, or rather,NOT done that); but when you can’t, you can’t no matter how burning the desire, no matter how the stories come to mind, and demand attention. They get attention, but generally only in my head. Notes are made, scenes come together, but, life.
I have not given up, even when others are dismissive, because, lucky them, they have no comprehension. Despite their own experiences, which I do not dismiss, apparently, they have not been overwhelmed with just about everything that can hit the fan hitting at once…and the housework that never stops.
Thank you.
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I’m so glad that these words found you, Tonette, at a time you needed to see them.
That’s all we can do – is do what we can!
Hang in there – and keep writing…. WHEN YOU CAN. And when you can’t …. then it’s all good too.
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Very sorry for what you went through those few years ago.
Yes… balance is extremely important — and sometimes our writing goals do suffer.
That said, the sample week you featured contains a LOT of creative effort — of which I hope you were gratified and proud.
It sounds like your new situations are positive — new state with son and grandson.
Hopefully it’s also conducive to your writing.
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You are a great writer, Trisha! Never, ever forget that!
~ Cindy
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Thank you, thank you, thank you my sweet sister-friend!!
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In August of 2021 I was going through the endless doctor appointments for my hubby, too. Not much writing got done – and not much of anything else, either, including sleep. As you say, we have to have balance. We both made it through that time and now I can sit and write more – in between visits to my mom and the grandkids’ activities. Life is ever-changing, and we do what we can.
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You are so right, Patricia – we do what we can!
You totally understand how this period of time was. I’m glad you’re through that difficult period.
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🫶🏻 Great read, and I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, cancer sucks and it’s a bitch how it rearranges lives. Thank you for sharing your story!
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Thanks, Lindsay! I appreciate your thoughts – yes, cancer sucks big time!
Thanks for reading and commenting.
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thank you for sharing. i’m so inspired to write. i hate that cancer affected your loved ones.
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Thanks, Melissa – and thanks for your thoughts on the loss from cancer. I’m glad this inspired you. YES! WRITE!!!!
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Thanks for sharing. I am so sorry for your loss. Your words have definately inspired me to get those drafts to publish!
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Thank you for your kind words.
I’m glad this inspired you.
YES!!! GET THOSE DRAFTS READY!
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My sympathy for your loss. This is a powerful narrative you’ve shared, and I admire you greatly for your strength. My wife has arthritis so bad that she’s confined to a wheelchair. It’s a sad situation, but nothing that’s going to take her before her time. Probably one of many factors that have had me blocked for a decade. I need some of your balance. I can set aside an hour in the morning, but what do I do when nothing comes? I probably stopped being a writer back in the 20-teens, but I will never acknowledge that it’s over. Thank you for the pep-talk. You’ve faced a far harder fate than has been facing me, and you seem to be managing it well. You’re an inspiration; whether it will lead to anything is up to me, but I’m not going quietly!
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Thank you for your kind words, Jack. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with your own ‘life’s trials’ with your wife’s own health problems.
I hope you don’t go quietly. I hope some nugget drops into your heart and stirs up the writing muse.
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Life changes, circumstances change, but the truth about balance remains the same. Your story is a beautiful reminder that writing is part of life, not something that should replace it. Wishing you strength with your health journey.
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Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate you stopping by to read.
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This is such a valuable reminder that balance matters. Your honesty about real-life demands and writing pressures is refreshing, and the “put the flogger away” metaphor is perfect. Even small progress counts self-care and patience are just as important as productivity.
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I never cease to be in awe of others, inspired by how they cope with life’s curve balls. I journalled a few years ago when caring for my husband. Just me and my words at the time. I scribbled words with a stylus on my Notes pages as I sat bedside. I jotted notes with a pen on bits of paper to hand. I texted, emailed so on. The will to write – or is the habit of writing? continues. I’ve returned to blogging. I’m enjoying the creativity of writing. Thank you for sharing.
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Thank you, Jenny. I’m glad that you were able to write while sitting by your husband’s bedside and caring for him. That is such a welcome outlet when we’re going through times like that!
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Goals are great as long as they do not became a burden for us to hold. Those albatrosses on our shoulders. I was impressed with your goal list considering your circumstances at that time and the amount you did achieve.
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Thank you for reading and for your thoughts and feedback on this.
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Pingback: Real Life vs Writing – mind artist
Questo articolo trasmette un messaggio molto umano e reale. Mi è piaciuto perché fa capire che nella vita non sempre si riesce a fare tutto quello che si vorrebbe, e che questo non deve diventare un motivo per sentirsi in colpa. Il tema centrale, secondo me, è l’equilibrio: tra scrittura, vita quotidiana, famiglia, salute e cura di sé. Mi ha colpito soprattutto l’idea di ‘mettere via la frusta’, cioè smettere di punirsi quando non si riesce a essere perfetti. È un testo che incoraggia ad essere più gentili con sé stessi. Bellissimo.
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The flogger still packed away in a drawer, that detail says a lot.Some things we carry through life changes and new addresses, and some things we’re better off leaving in a box somewhere.
And honestly the pressure to WRITE-WRITE-WRITE at all costs has always felt off to me. Life is the thing writing is supposed to come from. Hard to fill the well if you’re too busy flagellating yourself next to it.
Thanks for the reminder to be a little kinder about the gap between the list and what actually got done.
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Thanks for your feedback on this.
I really like your comment about how it’s hard to fill the well if you’re too busy flagellating yourself next to it.
A perfect statement!!
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Many thanks, I appreciate your sharing, moreover that I have to confess I carry myself that sticky feeling of procrastination. Chaperts after chapters, weeks after weeks, writing’ projects are piling up ; while frustration is winning yards. But reading you and expressing this: is lighting up a new candle inside me, which makes me again.
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Keep at it!! I hope this encourages you to keep going with the writing!
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🙏
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Great reminder balance between life and writing is key, and progress matters more than perfection
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Thanks for your feedback.
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