The game is on again
Smash, hide, get up…repeat
Does the mallet ever get tired?
Does the mole ever win?
Keep trying mole, keep trying
Autonomy…so frail
precious
freedom
choice
making decisions
something everyone should have
Suffocation is without it
It’s not something you lose, it gets taken away
You’re not even aware it was there until it is gone
Autonomy…we know it only too late
On the radio today I heard the Barry Manilow song “Looks like we’ve made it.” That is exactly how I feel. Looks like I’ve made it! I am finally free from the chains of my depression. The clouds have lifted. I have climbed out of the well and am in the full sun. Today was a GREAT day. First great day in a long time. I have been on the go from the minute I woke up, and the day is not yet over.
I went to a church meeting, followed by breakfast with a friend I had not spent time with in a while. Then home to take the dog for a 1 mile walk, then off to the boardwalk to take myself for a beautiful sunny 3 mile stroll. How GREAT it felt to be energetic, alive, happy and outside in the fresh air. After that it was home for lunch followed by my nail appointment where I selected a light pink color for spring. Right when I got home my husband and I took Saylor to the dog park. Luckily Anya was there, a dog with energy like Saylor that likes to run, so they ran and ran together until they were exhausted! I just love to see her run and be so happy. That is good exercise for her. Sometimes we get to the park and the dogs that are there are friendly but not runners, they just amble around, so she doesn’t get exercise, just good sniffs. I was tempted to ask Anya’s mom for her number so we could coordinate visits to the park, but I asked her when she usually comes to the park so that will do for now.
Next up is dinner out with my sister-in-law and her husband. It will be nice to catch up with them plus I love it when I don’t have to cook. So far I have not needed a nap nor have I had any lows today. Yes, today is a good day. Looks like I’ve made it!
Until next time…
I went to a concert last night. We saw Brit Floyd, a Pink Floyd cover band. I love Pink Floyd. Some of their songs are so good just to relax to. They take me away to another place.
The best song of the night was Comfortably Numb. The band was amazing and the song had lines that just resonated with me after how I have been feeling recently. At that moment during the song I was bursting with the thought that this was my favorite song, at least in my life right now.
To quote a few lines or part of lines from the song that struck me:
“Is there anybody in there?”
“I hear you are feeling down”
“Can you show me where it hurts?”
“…you are receeding”
“Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying”.
“I can’t explain, you would not understand. This is not how I am”.
“I have become comfortably numb”
This will be a good song for me to turn to in my bad times, because it fits.
Until next time…
Imagine a well, with a ladder 20 steps down
I was on the 6th step from the bottom, stuck there
No sunlight to be seen, no air to breathe
Just waiting to go up, hanging in the dark cold space
Then slowly I climbed up, one step at a time
I have reached the 18th step, I see the light, feel the air
There is relief, I know the end of the bottom is near
I have had support, so much support
There is love in my life, I am blessed
Love lifts us up when God says it is time
I am almost free and out of this well
I can wait now, for I know I will get out
Those last two steps will come soon
I just need to hold on and keep looking up
Towards the top
Until next time…
I am still sad. Waiting for my new meds to kick in. It takes time and waiting is hard. The dreary weather doesn’t help, though today the sun has appeared once again, albeit the temperature is in the 30’s.
I read the bible each morning. I am determined to succeed in reading the bible in a year and finishing this year. I have tried the last two years and not finished. I am really enjoying it this year. Anyway, this morning a few verses stuck out for me and I felt God was speaking to me. I want to share them here with you, in case you suffer from depression too.
Psalm 31:9-10. “Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and my body also. For my life is spent with sorrow, and my ears with sighing; my strength fails with iniquity, and my bones waste away.” These lines spoke to me, resonated with me – except for the iniquity part. I am not depressed due to any iniquity. This is a Psalm of David and he felt just like I do.
Then there were encouraging lines in Psalm 31:22,24 and Psalm 32:10 as follows:
“But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy when I cried to you for help.”
“Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!”
“…but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord.”
These lines give me hope. I have faith in God and will keep praying and hoping and waiting for the sun to shine and for the clouds to lift from over my head. I just have to hang in there, and it will happen. You can wait with me too, and perhaps your clouds will lift as well.
Until next time…
Hello readers. This daily prompt caught my attention. Immediately I thought of the monkey. I have this vague recollection of my mom affectionately calling me a little monkey. I was always energetic and on the go. As for where I am at in my life right now, monkey fits because it is a very social animal. It is said that social bonds are essential for the monkey’s mental and physical health and that social isolation causes significant distress. That is where I am at right now, isolated and in distress.
I used to be more afraid of being social, some may find that hard to believe. I had a hard time being social, as I preferred to be alone or just one-on-one. I have grown to be better at socializing. Right now though after this long and very cold winter I have come to realize how much I need people. I am lonely and feel very isolated almost like during Covid. I haven’t seen my friends much, or gone outside much because of the cold. People interactions have been so limited. This past weekend we went away with friends of ours and it was so heart filling to be with them. I realized how much I needed people. I love people. Being alone too much is not good for me. Some of that is good, time alone, but not a plethora of it. I suffer from depression and this time alone has hit me hard. I need my troop, as a group of monkeys is called. I have so many wonderful friends that make up my troop.
Monkeys also care well for each other. I feel that I care well for others. You often see monkeys grooming each other and holding onto one another. I feel I am a good caregiver, especially to my kids. I look out for them and defend them if needed and am always there for them as best as I can. I also look to help others when I can. Doing for others makes me happy.
Lastly, monkeys swing from limb to limb with lots of energy. That is me when I am feeling good. I am normally a happy-go-lucky kind of gal that goes with the flow and enjoys life with vigor. I hope to one day get back with my troop and be like a monkey once again.
It’s been a few years since I have posted here. I have missed it actually. Glad to be back. Though not glad for what has brought me back. When I am down I think of blogging. I sometimes do my best writing when I am not at my best self. Right now I feel like I am chasing happy, as the title says. I just can’t find it. It eludes me. I am empty. Void. There is nothing there. All I want to do is sleep, which is pretty much all I do during the day. I do the basics of what is necessary, as best as I can. I get up late, eat breakfast, go to sleep on the couch, walk the dog, watch tv, sleep some more, maybe do an errand if I feel up to it.
I turn on the charm when my husband comes home. He has no clue. I hide it well. No one understands. Not unless you also suffer from depression. It’s not worth telling anyone. I just pretend. Depressed people are good at that. When someone says they are tired a lot, they may be depressed, just saying.
I use a light box. It helps a little, I think. I try to exercise, sporadically. When I do exercise I feel so good about it. But to get myself on that elliptical or to the pool is a huge feat. It is much easier to sleep on the couch. I called my doctor. We are changing my meds. I hope it will help, though it will take a few weeks if it will. I will just have to continue to not feel well for a while and hang in there and pretend and hope for the best.
Why am I writing this? Maybe someone in my shoes will see it and be comforted that they are not alone. Maybe it is just cathartic for me to get it out. Maybe it will serve as a record for me to look back at in the future when I finally do feel better and to remember where I once was. For now I will keep chasing my happy – buying that starbucks, listening to my music with headphones, eating chocolate, binge watching 9-1-1, napping – doing anything I can think of that might make me feel better. At least I am not drinking. I used to do that. Not anymore. Don’t need that, and don’t even want that.
Well, I hope this finds YOU happy. Until next time…
Mmmm…..that full body aroma first thing this morning. What a greeting. A great way to start each day; with a steaming hot cup of my Nespresso coffee. Thank you coffee, for the wonderful wake up each day. For the pleasant welcome each morning when I get to the kitchen. There you await me. The milk, ready to be steamed, the pods, ready to be placed into my Nespresso machine, the one spoonful of sugar ready for scooping. All systems in place, ready, set….go. Beautiful, delightful, tasty, wake-me-up, start-me-up, coffee. You help me drag my body out of bed, and get my feet onto the floor. I stumble out of those warm covers knowing what lies ahead. Thank you coffee.
Until next time…
Photo by BVictorson
Random Daily Thoughts 
